Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
OscarMayerLemur
Police Officer
lol, that was good Dynamo. I like the equivilent of the average house plant and good afternoon Jessica Simpson.
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
The Signs That Your Pet Is Addicted to the Internet
* Your "cookies" folder is almost empty, but there are countless files in "treats."
* There are a lot more tongue marks on the monitor than the ones *you've* left.
* The desktop wallpaper is now a close-up of Paris Hilton. Specifically, her right leg.
* Run the can opener; nothing. Say, "Badger! Badger! Badger!"; Mittens runs to you like a cheetah on crack.
* Well, *somebody* has been using your computer to visit MySpays.com.
* The computer's motherboard just whelped a litter.
* The cat dies of Corrupted Blood Plague.
* Rover refuses to catch anything but AOL installation CDs.
* No matter how often you update your Netflix queue, they always send you another batch of Lassie episodes.
* The canary will only fly in wi-fi enabled airspace.
* "Hello, Mr. Fluffy. I am writing to you in the confidential strictness to ask you assistance in gratefully retrieving my families estate in Nigeria."
* Your female iguana's eyes are always bloodshot and your browser history shows thousands of visits to GEICO.
* Your goldfish IMs you to change the damn tank filter.
* He keeps looking in the mirror and squawking "L33ty Bird!" "L33ty Bird!"
* Your "cookies" folder is almost empty, but there are countless files in "treats."
* There are a lot more tongue marks on the monitor than the ones *you've* left.
* The desktop wallpaper is now a close-up of Paris Hilton. Specifically, her right leg.
* Run the can opener; nothing. Say, "Badger! Badger! Badger!"; Mittens runs to you like a cheetah on crack.
* Well, *somebody* has been using your computer to visit MySpays.com.
* The computer's motherboard just whelped a litter.
* The cat dies of Corrupted Blood Plague.
* Rover refuses to catch anything but AOL installation CDs.
* No matter how often you update your Netflix queue, they always send you another batch of Lassie episodes.
* The canary will only fly in wi-fi enabled airspace.
* "Hello, Mr. Fluffy. I am writing to you in the confidential strictness to ask you assistance in gratefully retrieving my families estate in Nigeria."
* Your female iguana's eyes are always bloodshot and your browser history shows thousands of visits to GEICO.
* Your goldfish IMs you to change the damn tank filter.
* He keeps looking in the mirror and squawking "L33ty Bird!" "L33ty Bird!"
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so, mate... the steaks are too high!"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so, mate... the steaks are too high!"
PintSizeGenius
Lab Technician
A priest and his friend were playing golf. The priest's friend misses a 3 foot putt. He's angry and says, "Dammmit! Missed the bugger!" The priest is shocked and says, "If you say that one more time, a bolt of lightening will strike you, as punishment for your sin." At the next hole, the friend misses a 2 foot putt, and says "Dammit, missed the bugger!" A bolt of lightening strikes and hits the vicar. The heavens open, and god says, "Dammit, missed the bugger!" :lol: Hope you found this funny. Sorry if this offends anyone, or if you have heard it before.
PSG xxx
PSG xxx
ericloca
Lab Technician
Some funny questions
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
lostladyknight
Pathologist
My alltime favorite joke ever.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Get it the flies are inside the bulb, screwing? I knew you'd laugh!
midnight17
Witness
thats a good one lostlady - once the explanation has been read!
lostladyknight
Pathologist
Lol yeah I know. It took me like fifteen minutes to get it when my teacher told it to me in high school. Gotta love lame jokes that make you laugh, once you get them.
Bu, Chu and Fu are three men from China who decide to go to America. But before they do, they make plans to change their names so they will be able to get into America.
Bu changed his name to Buck, and he was allowed to enter.
Chu changed his name to Chuck and he was also allowed to enter.
Fu was sent back to China.
Bu changed his name to Buck, and he was allowed to enter.
Chu changed his name to Chuck and he was also allowed to enter.
Fu was sent back to China.
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
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90% off Printing Press Cartridges! Works on all Gutenberg Models!
Earn up to 10 pence per fortnight knitting stockings at home!
You'll be mutinous if you don't check out these hot Tahitian babes on Bountycam!
Slice off the pounds with the Antoinette Cake Diet!
Ogg, Please Read: Name-Brand Berries for Your Cave Paintings!
Pleafe purchafe thefe golf ballf.
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Can't start smoking? We can help!
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Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
"Aflac" Street Scam Alert
Watch out for this scam! Police say that the gang usually comprises four members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three youths, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets or handbag for any valuables being carried.
This photo, taken from CCTV, shows the brazen street gang in operation: Scam picture
Police have dubbed the technique the "Aflac Scam".
From JumboJoke.com
Watch out for this scam! Police say that the gang usually comprises four members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three youths, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets or handbag for any valuables being carried.
This photo, taken from CCTV, shows the brazen street gang in operation: Scam picture
Police have dubbed the technique the "Aflac Scam".
From JumboJoke.com
Detective_Burn
Coroner
Gosh - one of my favies. :lol:
magicmunchies
Lab Technician
A panda walks into a restaurant, orders a sandwich and eats it before pulling out a gun and shoot's the waiter. The manager comes in and says "You've killed my waiter and you haven't paid for your sandwich,"
The panda replied, "I'm a panda, work it out."
Later that day the manager looks up panda in the dictionary
"a white-and-black, bearlike mammal, lives in the bambo forests of asia, Eat's Shot's and leaves,"
Well I found that funny!
There was also a teacher in england who said to his class of 16 year olds
"EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH, SOME IDIOT SPEAKS!"
The panda replied, "I'm a panda, work it out."
Later that day the manager looks up panda in the dictionary
"a white-and-black, bearlike mammal, lives in the bambo forests of asia, Eat's Shot's and leaves,"
Well I found that funny!
There was also a teacher in england who said to his class of 16 year olds
"EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH, SOME IDIOT SPEAKS!"