OscarMayerLemur
Police Officer
Ahhh! ROFLMAO
The National Sarcaasm Society
Like we need YOUR support.
The National Sarcaasm Society
Like we need YOUR support.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
SandleDL
CSI Level One
HAHAHA!!!! :lol: That's hilarious, everything! Love the police quotes, and the "questions" are awesome, never thought of that! Thanks for the gas cartoons, I'll save them, it's sad but true. (And gas is even cheaper in the US than it is in Germany...) Those jokes just made my day! (That is, I'll get the new Harry Potter today - that will make my day even better!
)
)
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Noah In 2007
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
ericloca
Lab Technician
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
I luv this one !
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
I luv this one !
OscarMayerLemur
Police Officer
Pregnancy Jokes
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Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
I'm going to post one more...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
I'm going to post one more...
OscarMayerLemur
Police Officer
Pubic Hair Fun
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun Things To Do With Pubic Hair...
Dye
Floss
Make a wig
Place near fire
Braid, feather, cornrows, sprinkle glitter on, or anything of that general nature
Bake into delicious muffins (note: try it on your friends, it gets pretty funny)
Make a birds nest
Throw at a friend and yell, "Spiders!"
Make a sweater
Make some mittens
Make some socks
Make another sweater
Place as a topping in a friends sandwich
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun Things To Do With Pubic Hair...
Dye
Floss
Make a wig
Place near fire
Braid, feather, cornrows, sprinkle glitter on, or anything of that general nature
Bake into delicious muffins (note: try it on your friends, it gets pretty funny)
Make a birds nest
Throw at a friend and yell, "Spiders!"
Make a sweater
Make some mittens
Make some socks
Make another sweater
Place as a topping in a friends sandwich
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
* Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
* Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
* Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
* Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
* Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
* Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
* Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
* Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
* Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
* Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
* Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
* Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
* Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
* Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
* Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
* Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
* Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
* Fox's Law
As soon as you enjoy one of that network's series, they will cancel it.
* MacTavish's Law
Murphy is an optimist.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
* Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
* Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
* Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
* Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
* Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
* Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
* Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
* Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
* Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
* Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
* Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
* Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
* Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
* Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
* Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
* Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
* Fox's Law
As soon as you enjoy one of that network's series, they will cancel it.
* MacTavish's Law
Murphy is an optimist.
that_girl1
Coroner
Those law's are soo true especially the Wilson's Law.
OscarMayerLemur
Police Officer
I love the Law of Mechanical Repair
CSIMiamiGurl1988
Witness
ROTFLOL
OMGosh!! Those Jokes are so Funny!!!
OMGosh!! Those Jokes are so Funny!!!
Lizn8rFoxy
Lab Technician
isnt that the truth!!
SpeedsDaughter
CSI Level One
Fox's law... true indeed.
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.
(wait for it. It's worth it)...
After Tweety is caught, scroll down...
This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot...
HEY, DON'T BLAME ME...YOU KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.
(wait for it. It's worth it)...
After Tweety is caught, scroll down...
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot...
HEY, DON'T BLAME ME...YOU KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.
