Jokes Thread


Head of the Graveyard Shift
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an Autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband says, 'Oh my God! What
should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says.
"Just get the hell out."

uber wisdom
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Advice For Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

14. Sadly, all men are created equal.

:lol: Oh boy! Those are hysterical! I don't know if anyone else finds this funny, but my sister Ellie asked me what BLT stands for one day...

Ellie: Jenna, what does BLT stand for?
Me: Think about it. B for bacon, L for lettuce and T is for...
Ellie: Cheese!

I fell out of my chair laughing when it happened...
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, <font color="yellow">Cathy</font>?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is <font color="yellow">Susan</font>.

*climbing back onto chair* My sisters' names are Cathy and Susan!
omg they are too funni!!! i know heaps but most are raqcism or offending so i wont say them, lol. but i have a few thats arent.

a blonde walks into a library and asks for 2kg of sausages, the librarian looks at her strange and says, excuse me miss, this is a library, so the blonde responds by whispering, sorry can i have 2kg of sausages :D

hahahahaha im a blonde, lol.

how does michael jackson pick his nose?
out of a catalogue :lol:
I have some more...

One night 4 MBA students were boozing till late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean was a just person so he said that they can have the retest after 3 days.

They said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the dean.

The dean said that this was a special condition test.

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

(see below)


Q.1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME __________ ( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. WHICH TIRE GOT BUSTED __________ (98 MARKS ).

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
a robber went into the bank and said 'put the money in the bag or your Geography!'

the manager said 'don't you mean history?'

'don't change the subject!'

Well unless you don't know what a chav is, I found these hilarious :lol:

1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

4. What do you call a fat chav in a box? Heavy

5. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.

6. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

7. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.

8. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.

9. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

10. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"

11. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.

12. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police

13. What do you call a Chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

14. What do you say to a Chav with a job? Can I have a big Mac please

15. What do you say to a Chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand

16. What do u call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A

17. Why is 3 Chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4

18. What do you call a 30 year old Chavette? Granny.

19. What do you call 100 Chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

20. How many Chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the Chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash

22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.

24. Two Chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society


Also sorry to those who love Queen :p

Bohemian Chavsody

Is this a real chav?
Is she a wannabe?
Caught in a chavslide,
No escape from the burberry.
Open your eyes,
Look down the road and see.
She's just a dumb chav, she needs no sympathy,
Because she's sleazy come, sleazy go.
Skirt too short,
Top cut low.
Anyway she blows him,
Doesn't really matter to her.
To her...

Mama, just killed a chav,
Smashed his head against a door,
And he ain't 'got beef' no more.
Mama, chavhood just begun,
And now I've gone and thrown it all away (haha!).
Mama ooh ooh ooh,
Going on a chav hunt,
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on,
As if nothing really matters.

Woohoo, the time has come,
Time to kill this chav,
But first, he must say this;
"'Ang on, everybody!
I gotta go."
He's got to 'go' behind a bush or tree.
Mama ooh ooh ooh,
I hate all the chavs,
I REALLY wish they'd never been born at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a chav,
Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you get a new vocab!
Cheap cider, White Lightning
Very very chavvy to me,
Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo, Figaro,
"But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me!"
He's just a dumb chav from a dumb family!
Kill him now, he's a monstrosity!
Sleazy come, sleazy go, "Will you let me go?"
Bullshit! No, we will not let you go! "Let me go!"
Bullshit! We will not let you go! "Let me go!"
Bullshit! We will not let you go! "Let me go!"
Will not let you go
"Let me go!"
Will not let you go
"Let me go!"
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
"Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go!"
Oh yes we have an special ASBO put aside for you, for you, for you...

So you think you can throw things and spit on my street?
So you think you can wear burberry and get away with it?
Oh chavette
Can't do this to me chavette
You just gotta get out,
You just gotta get right outta here!

Style really matters,
This, chavs cannot see.
Burberry's really ugly,
Really ugly can't you see?

Any way she blows him
This is about the only joke I can share. The rest, well like DaWacko said.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To get away from Col. Sanders. :lol:

And what the hell is a chav? :confused:
a guy walks into a bar with a small guy in his hand playing the piano. he sits down and the guy next to him asks "where did you get that?" the guy says "there is a genie outside granting everyone a free wish" so the guy goes outside and says "genie i want a million bucks" instead of giving him a million bucks he gave him a million ducks. he goes back into the bar and says to the guy with the miniature pianist in his hand, "that genie stinks. i asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks." the guy next to him said "do you think i asked for a 12 inch pianist"

haha its bad but the first time i heard it i laughed so hard. :lol:
And what the hell is a chav? :confused:

Erm... it's hard to describe. They tend to be the people who wear tracksuits or really short skirts & really large hoop earings. They also think they are really "hard" & swear at everyone (well at least they do near me - I was told that in other places they are called NEDs - non-educated-delinquent :lol: - when I heard that I wouldn't stop laughing :lol:)