Jokes Thread

This thread has some pretty funny jokes! me and a few friends have been browsing it and laughing for about an hour now! :lol:
Don’t Owe You Anything

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: he had outstanding warrants.
(i think i heard that one on tv, might have even been on a CSI: show, but i thought it was funny, so...)
New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven, and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.
They built an Indian reservation on a casino.
The Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.
Donald Trump fired himself.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
Instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.
I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"
Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.
I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"
Rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
My ATM gave me an IOU!
The highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.
I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.
I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.
Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
I saw a polygamist with only one wife.
I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
My sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.
Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He's turning it into a bank!
The White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon-- all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.
Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.
I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

My niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.
Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
People are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.
Michael Phelps has to share a bong.
A certain celebutante changed her name to "Paris Holiday Inn."
Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.
7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
Tthey renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
Angelina had to adopt a highway.
A man sat down on a seat with his guitar and began to play it.
A short while later, that same man was playing his guitar on another seat.
After that, he moved to yet another seat and played his guitar.He was spotted by another man who asked "What are you doing?"
The man responded "I'm playing musical chairs."
With great sadness,... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he lived to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart and his French cousin the Michelin Man.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

P.S.: If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.