Jokes Thread

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



this is just... =))))))))))))))))))))))) i am stil laughing =))))))))))))))))))))))))))) someone resuscitate me please!!!!!
 
Detective_Burn said:

lostladyknight said: (...) My alltime favorite joke ever.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Get it the flies are inside the bulb, screwing? I knew you'd laugh!
Click to expand...

That´s so hillarious. :lol: :lol:
lostladyknight, you have more lameness??
Click to expand...

HaHa Man I love that joke... oh... and yeah I have another joke, not quite as lame, but I still like it because it makes me laugh.


Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question
Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take are home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me, the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her, the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you, the people. We'll call the maid, the working class and your baby brother, the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking was totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning......

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of crap.
 
You Might Be a ScannerHead if.....

...there's a car accident outside your house, and instead of rushing outside to offer assistance, you rush into the radio room to hear it being dispatched on the scanner.

...you know what fire station is being dispatched by listening to the pager tones.

...you start reading plates by the police phonetics.

...you quickly translate a vanity plate read in phonetics.

...you have a 'favorite' dispatcher.

...you curse the newspaper for not printing anything about what you heard last night.

...you know at least 15 vehicle/penal code sections.

...you yell at TV shows that use scanners in place of 2-way radios. (hello' Starskey & Hutch'?)

...you promise to sell your old scanner when you upgrade, do you find a convenient use for it SOMEWHERE?

...you can rattle off at least 10 local PD/Fire freqs by memory.

...you put off everything on Saturday night to see "COPS".

...you have twin spotlights on your car.

...you know exactly when you are leaving one 'beat' and entering another.

...you ever forgot to answer your telephone because you thought it's the scanner picking up on another phone call.

...you answer the scanner when the officer/fire/medic crew asks for the numeric on their call.

...you run out of room on your belt to carry your handhelds at the hamfest.

...you frequently chat with the little old ladies at the beauty shop to try to confirm gossip you hear from people's cordless phones.

...you've got more antennas on your car than the Command Post Van.

...Officers ask you to program their new trunk tracker.

...you have more than one scanner at home to hear multiple calls at the same time.
 
What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

The taste

This is my microbiology teacher's favorite joke ever! :lol:
 
lostladyknight said:
Detective_Burn said:

lostladyknight said: (...) My alltime favorite joke ever.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Get it the flies are inside the bulb, screwing? I knew you'd laugh!
Click to expand...

That´s so hillarious. :lol: :lol:
lostladyknight, you have more lameness??
Click to expand...

HaHa Man I love that joke... oh... and yeah I have another joke, not quite as lame, but I still like it because it makes me laugh.


Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question
Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take are home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me, the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her, the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you, the people. We'll call the maid, the working class and your baby brother, the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking was totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning......

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of crap.
Click to expand...

LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Now that is hilarious

Really old one and lame one here

What do you get when your cross a puppy and a computer?

A megabyte. :lol:
 
The Least Popular Street Names

Drinkand Dr.

Place de Parole

Curdsand Way

You-Shouldn'ta-Done-That-Thing-To-The-Mob-Boss Alley

Pythagorean Circle

Hershey Highway

Angry Disenfranchised Loners with NRA Memberships Blvd.

TurnOffTheDamnedCellPhoneAnd Dr.

Jerk Circle

Lost Kitty Mews

Vicious Circle

West 943,185th Street

Psycho Path

Peoples Ct.

Diminished Sex Dr.

Nofriggin Way
 
Just a few Easter Jokes:lol:

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.


Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
 
The Signs That You're Not a Very Good Cook

Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.

Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.

Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a half-life.

When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.

The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.

First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."

You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.

The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.

The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.

Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.
 
Here are some Chuck Norris facts:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
 
Just before the annual football clash of Marshall University Thundering Herd (Huntington, WV) and West Virginia University Mountaineers (Morgantown, WV) last weekend, the Charleston Daily Mail newspaper ran these jokes:

Wanna hear a WVU joke?

What's the only good thing to come out of Morgantown? 1-79. (Alternate answer: Rich Rodriguez [former WVU coach that left for Michigan])

What's the difference between a West Virginia University player and a monkey? One is hairy, stupid and smells... and the other one is a monkey.

If three Mountaineers are in a car, who is driving? A police officer.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented at WVU? If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Wanna hear a Marshall joke?

What are the three longest years of a Marshall football player's life? His freshman year.

Did you know that Coach Snyder is only dressing 23 Marshall players for the game? He figured the rest could dress themselves.

What do you say to a Marshall grad with a job? "I'll have a Big Mac, fries, and a Coke, please."

How many Marshall football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he gets three credits for it.

Top Five Courses at Marshall:
5. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
4. Hand-Shadow Workshop
3. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
2.The College Classroom: A Simulation
1. The ABC's: An Extended Version
 
This is off the indians.com blog, the writer is telling of a joke that the recently fired bullpen coach told him.

An old man is walking through the desert. He's exhausted and dehydrated. He's dying for some water.

He comes upon a tent. Outside is a stern-looking man, standing with his arms crossed.

"Water!" the old man gasps. "Do you have water?"
The man shakes his head. "No," he says, "we don't have water here. We just sell ties here. But I tell you what... My brother, he has a tent two miles to the west. He has a restaurant there. Go to him. He has tap water, spring water, moutain water. He'll get you all the water you want."

The old man heads west.

Hours later, he returns. By this point, he's crawling. He is near death. He is completely exhausted.
"What happened?" the man at the tent says. "Did you get the water?"
"No," the old man replies. "They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have a tie."
 
Laterst news from Tokyo...

Tokyo: 23 Oct 2008:

In the last seven days serious problems have emerged in Japan's banking sector leaving many in serious trouble just when they thought they were recovering from Japan's own financial crisis of the past 10 years.

It was reported today that the Origami bank has folded. The Sumo bank has also gone belly up. The Bonsai bank has just announced it will be trimming many branches. Yesterday it was the Karaoke bank in trouble and up for sale, it is believed it will go for a song. Also shares in the Kamikaze bank were suspended after they suddenly nose-dived. There are also reports that the Janome bank is trying to stitch up a mutual deal with Shibori bank.

In late news it has been reported that the Samurai bank is soldiering on after serious cutbacks and that the Ninja bank took a few hits but remains in the black. 500 staff at the Karate bank got the chop and investigators report there is something fishy at the Sushi bank where staff are feared to be getting a raw deal.
 
My brother just sent me this..

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come
up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that sh** after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.
 
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