Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
The Top Democrat Election '08 Bumper Stickers
Sure, we'll mop up the mess.
Our turn! C'mon! Our turn!
Edwards/Obama/Clinton: the Middle-Aged Mod Squad!
We couldn't POSSIBLY do any worse!
Them: underage pages. Us: adult interns. Who's perverse?
Klaatu Barack Obama: He comes in peace.
Stop the inanity!
Not your father's moron candidate.
Presidential-scandal-free for nearly 7 years.
Don't look here -- the joke is in the White House.
It's NUKE-lee-ur, dumbass!
Do you want Howard Dean to yell at you again?
Stop global warring.
This time, nothing can go worng!
Elect the cast of "Survivor: D.C."
The Top Republican Election '08 Bumper Stickers
Who do you want on your side in a fight, Bono or Nugent?
We're NOT gay!
GOP: Gets your whites whiter.
Stay the curse!
Join the GOP! There's plenty of room in the closet.
We have a VERY wide stance.
Vote for us or we'll shoot you in the face.
One more time? LOL!
Vote Cheney for Supreme Overlord.
It's Dem or U.S.
Knockers on Mt. Rushmore? I don't THINK so!
I'd rather be waterboarding.
The *new* GOP: Now 97% less smug!
Every time you vote Democrat, Jesus cries.
Glory, glory-hole-allujah!
Sure, we'll mop up the mess.
Our turn! C'mon! Our turn!
Edwards/Obama/Clinton: the Middle-Aged Mod Squad!
We couldn't POSSIBLY do any worse!
Them: underage pages. Us: adult interns. Who's perverse?
Klaatu Barack Obama: He comes in peace.
Stop the inanity!
Not your father's moron candidate.
Presidential-scandal-free for nearly 7 years.
Don't look here -- the joke is in the White House.
It's NUKE-lee-ur, dumbass!
Do you want Howard Dean to yell at you again?
Stop global warring.
This time, nothing can go worng!
Elect the cast of "Survivor: D.C."
The Top Republican Election '08 Bumper Stickers
Who do you want on your side in a fight, Bono or Nugent?
We're NOT gay!
GOP: Gets your whites whiter.
Stay the curse!
Join the GOP! There's plenty of room in the closet.
We have a VERY wide stance.
Vote for us or we'll shoot you in the face.
One more time? LOL!
Vote Cheney for Supreme Overlord.
It's Dem or U.S.
Knockers on Mt. Rushmore? I don't THINK so!
I'd rather be waterboarding.
The *new* GOP: Now 97% less smug!
Every time you vote Democrat, Jesus cries.
Glory, glory-hole-allujah!
assumenothing
Rookie
These are ones I heard two of the guys at band say the other day (really corny, but I found them amusing):
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to other and says:
"How do we drive this thing?!"
Guy walks into bar. Dies three days later of a head concussion.
Very, very corny.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to other and says:
"How do we drive this thing?!"
Guy walks into bar. Dies three days later of a head concussion.
Very, very corny.
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep incessant surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.
25. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.
26. Don't use no double negatives.
27. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating, than, say, commas, at least when there are too many of them, or when they should be, say, semicolons.
28. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish
29. Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you really should be doing is using commas and semicolons and even periods to break the sentence up into more digestible chunks.
30. To have been using excessively complex verb constructions, is to have been bopping the literary baloney.
31. A friend I spoken with recently told me he been forgetting his helper verbs.
Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep incessant surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.
25. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.
26. Don't use no double negatives.
27. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating, than, say, commas, at least when there are too many of them, or when they should be, say, semicolons.
28. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish
29. Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you really should be doing is using commas and semicolons and even periods to break the sentence up into more digestible chunks.
30. To have been using excessively complex verb constructions, is to have been bopping the literary baloney.
31. A friend I spoken with recently told me he been forgetting his helper verbs.
Detective_Burn
Coroner
Doctor: You have only 5 to live
Man: 5 what? Years - month?
Doctor: 5... 4... 3... 2...
:devil:
Man: 5 what? Years - month?
Doctor: 5... 4... 3... 2...
:devil:
magicmunchies
Lab Technician
Ask your self this:
If a quiz is quizzical then what's a test?
and then theres this one:
Some brunettes challenged some blondes to a ice fishing competion. After 15 minutes it was very clear that the brunettes were going to win so the blondes sent one of the team over to see why the brunettes were going so well, 5 minutes later the spy returned,
"Quick we need to make a hole in the ice!"
Oh I love these blonde jokes
If a quiz is quizzical then what's a test?
and then theres this one:
Some brunettes challenged some blondes to a ice fishing competion. After 15 minutes it was very clear that the brunettes were going to win so the blondes sent one of the team over to see why the brunettes were going so well, 5 minutes later the spy returned,
"Quick we need to make a hole in the ice!"
Oh I love these blonde jokes
Detective_Burn
Coroner
That´s so hillarious. :lol: :lol:
lostladyknight, you have more lameness??
fastfoodjunkie
Rookie
A man calls his boss saying "I won't be coming into work today, I feel ill."
His boss replies by saying "You know, whenever I feel ill, I go home to my wife and ask her for sex and I always feel better after we're done. You should try it."
The man agrees to try his boss' idea and calls back two hours later.
"That was a great idea, I feel a lot better now. Say, this is a nice place you've got here..."
Mistranslated Signs
Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Athens Hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.
Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Moscow hotel room door: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Roman laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Thailand, an ad for donkey rides: asked Would you like to ride on your own ass?.
Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
It's strange. When you talk to God, it's called prayer but when God talks back it's called paraniod schizophrenia.
These just make me giggle so much!
His boss replies by saying "You know, whenever I feel ill, I go home to my wife and ask her for sex and I always feel better after we're done. You should try it."
The man agrees to try his boss' idea and calls back two hours later.
"That was a great idea, I feel a lot better now. Say, this is a nice place you've got here..."
Mistranslated Signs
Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Athens Hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.
Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Moscow hotel room door: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Roman laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Thailand, an ad for donkey rides: asked Would you like to ride on your own ass?.
Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
It's strange. When you talk to God, it's called prayer but when God talks back it's called paraniod schizophrenia.
These just make me giggle so much!
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Where to live in retirement?
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where....
You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You've worn out a car horn.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where...
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Wherever you go, there's no place like home.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where....
You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You've worn out a car horn.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where...
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Wherever you go, there's no place like home.
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
MacsLovlyAngl
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Ha, I've got a good one, I found on the web :lol:
Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part I)
"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering."
"Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"
"Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the chaps from riding up."
"Barkeep! Three more Slippery Nipples for my posse."
"Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."
"In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart -- civil litigation!"
"Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"
"Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."
"You had me at 'Howdy.'"
"Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was Amandip Gupta."
"That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."
"I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same shirt I'm a-wearin'!"
"They call me... Moesha."
"Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"
"Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"
"reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."
"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering."
"Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"
"Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the chaps from riding up."
"Barkeep! Three more Slippery Nipples for my posse."
"Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."
"In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart -- civil litigation!"
"Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"
"Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."
"You had me at 'Howdy.'"
"Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was Amandip Gupta."
"That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."
"I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same shirt I'm a-wearin'!"
"They call me... Moesha."
"Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"
"Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"
"reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."