Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
Kit4na
CSI Level Two
Okay. There's an old lady in the hospital and she told one of the nurses she's still a virgin. That nurse tells the other nurses and they all decide to hire a gilo for the old lady. So the gilo shows up, does his work and the next day the nurses ask the old lady how it went.
Old lady: It was his first time too!
Nurses: Uh?!
Old lady: It was still wrapped in plastic..
Old lady: It was his first time too!
Nurses: Uh?!
Old lady: It was still wrapped in plastic..
patluver144
Police Officer
wait I don't get it? blonde moment
here is one
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
here is one
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
MOTHERS FROM HISTORY
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding
your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
GIL GRISSOM'S MOTHER: "If you don't get rid of those awful bugs, I will call the exterminator."
HORATIO CAINE'S MOTHER: "It's night time. Take those sunglasses off immediately."
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding
your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
GIL GRISSOM'S MOTHER: "If you don't get rid of those awful bugs, I will call the exterminator."
HORATIO CAINE'S MOTHER: "It's night time. Take those sunglasses off immediately."
Cat
Head of the Swing Shift
Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
Lizn8rFoxy
Lab Technician
the question one really made me laugh...for a while 
:lol:
:lol:Questions Part 2
Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Do fish get thirsty?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?
Where is Old Zealand?
Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Do fish get thirsty?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?
Where is Old Zealand?
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake, and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake, and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."
Lizn8rFoxy
Lab Technician
lmao!! :lol:
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
* Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
* Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
* Rottweiler: Make me.
* Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
* Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
* Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
* Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
* Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
* Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
* Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
* Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
* Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
* Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
* German Shepherd: All right, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
and (of course) .. the Cat's perspective,
* Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
* Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
* Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
* Rottweiler: Make me.
* Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
* Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
* Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
* Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
* Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
* Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
* Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
* Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
* Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
* Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
* German Shepherd: All right, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
and (of course) .. the Cat's perspective,
* Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?