Jokes Thread

I thought that this was funny...:lol:

For a couple years, I have been trying to figure out why I'm so tired. I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of the United States is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

Those two are you and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
 
Rules of Grammar?

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
 
:lol: This one is kind of dumb.

There are 3 brothers who go on adventures together.
Once, they were in these scary woods looking for an abandoned castle that was supposedly buried in the brush.
Instead, they come upon a strange looking house, and they decide to go inside. When they get inside, they find 3 doors.
One door says "He who enters shall die a fiery death"
the second door says, "He who enters shall die a watery death"
and the third door says, "He who enters shall die a strange death"
the three brothers look at each other confused, and one of them finally says, "what the heck, I've got nothing to lose." and proceeds to go through door #1. When he opens the door, he finds the room filled with silver treasures. He grabs his bag and fills it up with all the treasure he can fit in it. The second brother sees this and decides to go into door #2. When he opens the door, he finds that room filled with gold treasures, and then proceeds to fill up his bag with whatever fits. The third brother decides to go in through door #3. This room is filled with nothing but diamonds, and he fills his bag with millions and millions of dollars worth of diamonds.
After this adventure, the brothers depart and go their separate ways.
Ten years later, they reunite for another expedition. They meet on a volcano to explore the caves around it. While exploring, the first brother falls into the pit of the volcano, to die a fiery death. The second brother's rope snaps, and he falls into the ocean, to die a watery death. The third brother reaches the top of the volcano, where he sees something flying at him, and he can't figure out what it is. It keeps coming closer and closer, and finally he sees that it is a giant coffin. He goes into his bags to find something to throw to stop it. He grabs everything he can find; his compass, his map, his food, everything! The coffin finally gets right up close to him, and he sees the last thing he had in his bag - a bottle of Robitussin cough syrup - and throws it.
The coffin stops and falls off the volcano, and the brother makes it down to the bottom to tell people of this event.
What's the moral of the story?



Robitussin stops the coffin. (coughin'.)
 
Check your child's homework.

checkhomework.jpg


(Here's the reply that the teacher received the following day from the parent).

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in. Sincerely, Mrs. Smith
 
I found the following at: http://www.freewebs.com/csic/lightbulb.htm

How many CSIs does it take to change a light bulb?

During the summer reruns of 2006, the members of Elyse's board tried to find out. The responses:


None - CSIs are not afraid of the dark.
None - the CSIs use MagLites.
None - they just use the Alternate Light Source.
None - the scene must be left intact.
None - Sara prefers darkness and gloom.
None - if a light goes out, they just ask Billy to smile.
None - they'd rather keep Ecklie in the dark.
None - Ecklie can just stand by a window and let the moonlight reflect off his head.
None - Warrick can generate his own light and heat.
None - if Grissom wears his blue & white Hawaiian shirt, there's no need to change the bulb... the shirt lights up the room.
None - Hodges changes the light bulbs; he "nose" when they are ready to burn out just by the smell.
None - the light bulb wasn't burned out; Horatio just forgot to take off his sunglasses when he walked inside.
None - the detectives (Brass & Sophia) change them, but they are never quite sure which one of them did it.
None - if the light bulb goes out, they just build a new set.
None - someone in the crew will change it before the next take, because who cares about continuity of plot, anyway?
None - they never change the light bulbs at CSI headquarters; they prefer to keep the writers in the dark.
One - Cath will screw anything.
One - Catherine's a take-charge kind of woman; but she'll need her cell phone to tell Lindsay she can't go to the movies tonight, there's a light bulb that's dying and Lindsay needs to be more understanding.
One - Grissom, but he makes Sara climb the ladder.
One - Grissom; he needs light to start reading "Moby Dick."
One - Just Grissom, because he has the true power to relinquish power, even electrical power.
One - Grissom; he has to identify the dead bugs in the socket.
One - Grissom; but first he quotes Shakespeare: "Out, out, brief candle..."
One - Grissom, because he subscribes to the Light Bulb Changers of America newsletter.
One - Grissom, but it'll take awhile because he's a lapsed Catholic and must stand in the dark wondering "What did I do wrong?" before changing it.
One - Horatio just holds the bulb in the socket and waits while the whole world revolves around him.
One - Greg volunteers because it's hard to read girlie magazines with a flashlight in one hand.
One - Sophia will change it, but she'll talk to herself the entire time.
One - as long as it isn't Nick; he's been afraid of light bulbs since "Grave Danger."
One - Archie, the AV man.
One - Mac, but he'll have to remove his shirt first.
One - David; he has to establish the time of expiration.
One - Warrick, because he's always prepared and carries extra bulbs in the trunk.
One - Sara, but it takes her 12 steps to do it.
One - Sara; she'll pick up a fresh bulb when she goes to the store to buy more cough drops.
One - Brass; he was demoted to custodian after his failed hostage negotiation this season.
Just one - but if he/she changes anything, the case may be thrown out.
Two - one mysterious hand to replace the light bulb, and a camera man to slowly pan around to reveal the CSI's face.
Two - one to change the bulb, and Horatio to grieve for the dead bulb.
Two - Grissom and Sara; one to start the process and the other to pull away at the last minute.
Two - Warrick and Catherine, because they always wanted to screw together.
Two - Warrick to fix the problem and Tina to give him permission to stay late at work and change the light bulb.
Two - Hodges to wonder if changing the lightbulb will finally impress Grissom and the Pyschologist that comes in on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Three - one in Las Vegas, one in New York, and one in Miami.
Three - Grissom to ask Nick to replace it, Nick to do the job, and Sara to corner Grissom in a limo to ask why she was passed over for the task.
Three - Nick, Warrick & Catherine; Nick to do the work, Warrick to stand there without appearing in the scene and Cath to boss them both around.
Three - Nick and Warrick to take odds on who gets burned first, and Grissom to tell them it isn't their job to change light bulbs, get back to work.
Three - someone to change it, Greg to argue that it's from his private stash of Hawaiian light bulbs, and Grissom to tell him that it's a community light bulb since he stored it in the community storage closet.
Four - one person to change the light bulb, then Jorja to describe the light bulb as a "tiny ray of sunshine"; Billy to insist that the light bulb never burned out and has really been on for years but no one's noticed; and Marg to "watch the light unfold and try to keep it a secret."
Five - one to change the bulb, one to take photos, one to dust for prints, one to bag the evidence, and one to take the dead bulb back to Doc Robbins.
Six - Grissom to initiate the change, Catherine to take him to task about it, Sara to complain about it, Warrick to smooth it over, Greg to get the work done and Nick to tell him, "Good Job Greggo." It takes a team to raise a #1 Television Show.
All of them - they're a true team.
Twenty - two CSIs to get locked in the supply closet & 18 fans to document and interpret it in fanfiction.
One million - one CSI to change the bulb and 999,999 fans to analyze the implications of the new light bulb to the current cast dynamic.
No one really knows - Some people see it one way, others see it in a completely different way. It's a matter of interpretation. Some think the light bulbs on CSI should never change, while others are eager for change. Some think that the light bulb isn't the problem, but rather that it's the power source that is damaged. They used to have electricians on the CSI set, but they were all transferred to CSI Miami because that setting requires much brighter light. William Petersen has been unhappy about that, but Les Moonves assured him that CSI would still have enough wattage. Some people wish they would forget light bulbs and use candles because they want to see some romance on CSI. And some people think it doesn't matter at all; it's just a TV show.
 
this one always makes me laugh:guffaw:


Little Mary was never good in Sunday School,
so she decided to sleep through class, but 1
day the teacher asked her a question "Mary
who created the universe?" Mary never moved
from her deep sleep, so johnny a little boy
who sits behind her in class took his pen
and poked her with it and Mary jumed up and
yelled "God almighty" and the techer told
her it was correct. A little while later
the teacher asked her another question
"Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again
Mary never answered so Johnny poked her
with his pen again and Mary jumps up and
yells "Sweet Jesus!!" the teacher told her
it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.
The teacher asked her a 3rd question,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they
had their 23rd child?" So 1 last time Johnny
pokes Mary with his pen 1 last time, but
this time Mary jumps up and yells
"If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more
time I'm gonna break it in half!!"
 
:guffaw: These are great! I really like the one with the drawing, the CSI lightbulb thing and then the Sunday School thing. :lol:

I have some popsicles that have "jokes" on the sticks. And the one I ate the other day had this joke on the stick (its stupid to me, but anyway):

Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles?
Answer: Because they're too hard to iron.
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
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Kimbo08 said:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Click to expand...

I have that one printed out from something someone gave my grandma. The ending is different on my version. It says that "bob's funeral is scheduled for Friday". :lol:

===
Here are some more from what grandma gave me:

A man and a woman had been married for more that 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman has a shoebox in the tope of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so move that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all the years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh, that?" She replied, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

====

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning him.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened," Clyde started, "I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted," Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident that you were fine?"

"Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what would YOU say?"

==
This one's my favorite:

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just aroun the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," siad the boy, "you wont' believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "beat it kid, can't you see its hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "one of you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whipsered, "boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they hear, "one for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say that the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
 
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Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who
can remember doing the "Limbo as if it were yesterday."

They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba --- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
 
Heard these two from Pete the other week on a live chat lol

what do you call an ant thats in pain?

antagonised

&

what do you call a group of ants living in an apartment block

tenants
 
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