JAY LENO

Jay, Nov. 19~

MONOLOGUE

We are learning more & more about these arport regulations. You can refuse a TSA scanner if you don't like the way their acting. For instance, if a screener is walking towards you and he pops a Viagra, not good, you can ask for another person. If you refuse a pat down, they call the police & they arrest you! What's the first thing they do? pat you down:wtf:so you can't win~

One of the scanned people ended up on the internet--it was Brett Farve.. what are the odds?:rolleyes:

For the first time SEARS will be open on Thanksgiving, well thank god for that. How many times have you sat down to dinner on Tksg. and said "If only I had a 64-piece craftsman set, now I can":lol:

Pres. Obama had tough decisions this week, who does he pardon the turkey or Charle Rangel.. who was found guilty on 11 charges> Their saying he underminded the trust in Congress..really, who has any trust in Congress?

Tomorrow is Joe Biden's B-day, Pres. Obama got him a gag gift.. actually it was a gag:lol:

All 18 Chilean miners are visiting L.A., they went from one hell-hole to another:eek:
 
Jay from Nov. 24~

MONOLOGUE~

Guess you know by now that Bristol Palin came in 3rd on "DWTS" although all the Tea Partieres and the whole state of Alaska called in, to which Christine O'Donnell said "tell me about it" Sarah Palin was not happy and said "if she's president none of those judges will ever make it to the Supreme Court":rolleyes:

This year the TSA will handle more packages then the post office:wtf:

It showed one scanner sitting in his office nude, drinking beer, checking out the body images [fake] but funny~:lol:

The "Charlie Brown Christmas" just aired, but the one you really want to see is the HBO special "A Charlie Sheen Xmas Special":rolleyes:

The woman Capri said after she went back to Charlie's room to get paid for having sex that "she's not a prostitute", if she does get any money she needs to buy a dictionary, it'll show her picture next to the word "prostitute". she also said she was embarrassed when the police arrived and she was only in her underwear. Jay: "There's nothing more embarrassing them to see a porn star in their underwear":guffaw:
 
Jay from Nov. 29~

MONOLOGUE

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgving;) How many of you had annoying relatives over? How many of you went to visit you relatives? That means you were the annoying relatives:lol:

A guy in Palm Beach, FL. was arrested at a Walmart with a 45 calbber handgun, a hand grenade, and two knifes. The residents of Palm Beach, were stunned 'We have a Walmart here"?:wtf:

Monday the biggest online shopping day, followed by "I can't believe I bought all that crap" on Tuesday, and cancelling you order on Wednesday:lol:

THe Wiki-leaks, 1,000 classified documents were leaked. This could be detrimental to us. Usually when something is leaked that is embarrassing or revealing, it's Joe Biden that said it:lol:

The security level is at high alert again, and that's just at the gym Obama works out. He got hit in the mouth, playing basketball, and had 12 stiches on his bottom lip. Bet that's the last time he plays basketball with Sarah Palin:eek:

She said recently that "we must stand with our allies North Korea, then later corrected herself by saying "Geometry was never one of my best subjects":lol:

The weather is so cold, that at O'Hare Airport in Chicago, the TSA employees had to shove their hands down their own pants:wtf:

The Government is saying "that if you notice anything unusual please report it" How about a guy groping our crotches and taking pictures, isn't that unusual?:rommie:

And people were shocked at this story. Willie Nelson was busted for pot, who could have seen that coming?:lol: So, he'll post bail get out, tell a doctor he's depressed get a prescription for medical marijuana, and he's back in business:evil:

Bill Cosby was the guest, he sat in with the band and he's still so funny. We saw him in Vegas a few years back and cracked up. He also came in the store Macy's where I worked. I saw him and went OMG, he looked at me a goes "Calm down dear" with his sly grin, and just kept walking:eek: I go "hey girls Bill Cosby just walked by & they go "he comes in here all the time" He had on checkered bermudas, and a Hawaiian shirt, white sox and tennies, nothing matched:eek: And just went up the escalator. I never forgot that~
 
Jay Dec. 2~

MONOLOGUE~

Well Cleveland to trounched by Miami 118-90. Did everyone see whn Lebron walked in? The first time they were booing before the game, then after~

In a related sports story the U.S. will not get the World Cup in 2018 or 2020 & Chicago won't be going to the series in 2011-2012-2013 etc.:(

President Obama made a suprise visit to Afhanistan not one knew except the Wiki-leaks guy The president isn't allowed to give gifts, so he showed the military the lastes photos from the scanner body pics:eek:

Doesn't Wiki-leaks sound like a guy from Hawaii with bathroom problems?:lol:
 
Jay Dec. 6~

MONOLOGUE~

So it's rainy and windy and preety damn cold, but the weather in Buffalo, N.Y. is worse. So much snow that people were stuck in thier cars for up to 12 hrs. You know what they call people in Buffalo who can't move? A running back:confused:

The Dallas Cowboys beat the Colts this weekend 38-35. The Cowboys had a great quarterback throwing passes. Payton Manning:lol:

I love this time of year, Christmas lots springing up everywhere. it's so different here in L.A. I past a Xmas tree here, that had a needle exchange program:eek:

Also now it's not cool to call Santa's litle helpers "elves" but "undocumented little people":lol:

If you want a different type of gift, a man in Florida is auctioning off a pair of Queen Elizabeth's underwear.. you know where they were found"? On stage after a Justin Bieber concert:guffaw:

Weird, the country of Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for former VP Dick Cheney for "some improper financial dealings" This is serious.. You know that guy that's always e-mailing you for money? That was Dick Cheney all this time:lol:

During a printing process at the U.S. Treasury, they made a mistake on one million $100 dollar bills..they have to burn them..same idea as the last stimulus package:eek:

They busted mass murderer Charles Manson for hiding a cell phone under his mattress in his jail cell...what carrier does he have anyway?..I can't even get ahold of my grandma on the 405 freeway:lol: And who's accepting calls from him anyway? "Honey it's for you it's Charlie..again".. "SHHH, tell him I'm not here":wtf:
 
Jay from Dec. 10~

MONOLOGUE~

President Obama and the first family lit the national Christmas tree, a 40ft. Colorado Spruce. Already grumbling Republicans are saying "they don't believe it's from Colorado, and want to see proof":rolleyes:

According to a new poll, people say "their life was better 2 years ago", to which Pres. Obama said "tell me about it":(

On smoking the Surgeon General said that smoking just one cigarette can damage you DNA" & this is even more scary, he also said that you can get permanent brain damage by watching one episode of "Jersey Shores":guffaw:

Charles swab asked what would you do if you suddenly got $25,000 bucks? 62% said invested it, 29% said save it, and 9%, which was Charlie Sheen said "hookers":rolleyes:

The Gov. of Kentucky has approved a "Noah's Ark Theme Park" it will feature Ark animals and dinosaurs, and will create jobs. "I don't know what kind of jobs these will be, but think you can rule out Science teacher":lol:

Walmart is now considering wine from a vending machine. If the wine bottle gets stuck, a "wine steward" comes out and kicks the machine. It will feature domestic wine, unlike their employees:alienblush:

Also 7-11 Will have their own wine called "Cherry Wood Cellar", it does sound better than "Slurpee Hooch":guffaw:
 
Jay, Dec. 13~

MONOLOGUE~

I flew to Mississippi over the weekend, but a TSA agent at LAX was very creepy..after he gave me the pat down he winked, and gave the the thumbs up..very creepy:wtf:

Cold weather is all over.. in some places the snow was up to 5ft., and that was just at the Metro Dome in Minnesota. All that white powder pouring in, it looked like someone ripped opened Paris Hilton's purse:rolleyes:

Don't know who was tripping the most the Jets coach or Miley Cyrus. She was on YouTube, smoking on a bong full of she says "Salvia", a natural herb, but it wasn't her, it was her alter-ego Hannah Bongtanna:evil:

Former Pres. Clinton stepped in to help Pres. Obama with his plans. He looked right at home, the only place he doesn't feel right at home is at home:lol:

A woman in Manhattan who owns a greeting card store is now doing pole dancing to draw in more customers. If you buy 10 cards, she'll lick them for you. Boy has prison changed Martha Stewart, she never would have done this before:lol:
 
Jay Dec. 16~

MONOLOGUE

Last night I had a Christmas experience. I was visited by "The Ghost Of Christmas Future" it took me 20 years into the future, and the Clippers still suck:lol:

It's so cold back East the Wiki-leaks guys are burning secret documents just to keep warm:rolleyes:

It was so cold in Iran the Pres. called hell and asked for an early check-in:lol:

Al-Qaeda said their planning a Xmas attack , excuse me you can't call it Christmas now you have to call then "Holiday" attacks~:scream:

A mailman in Wisconsin wanted to cheer up a woman on his route, so he dropped off her package naked. She called the police and he was arrested. Apparently she expected a larger package:rolleyes:

And all charges were dropped against Justin Bieber for his "alleged" punch on a fan. No one wanted to come forward to say they'd been beaten up by Justin Bieber:lol:

Michael Vick says he's ready to own a dog again, & Bill Clinton wants to run a "Hooters", ain't gonna happen:devil:
 
Jay Dec. 17~

MONOLOGUE

Happy TGIF to all which means "the ground is freezing":eek:

I was so cold that Dick Cheney was able to take a spare heart out of his ice chest and put it on the back lawn~:rolleyes:

So cold that John Boehner's tears were frozen icecicles~

Many Xmas parties, although most people couldn't attend because they were in India~

The TSA agents at LAX have formed a choir, is that what passengers really need? A guy with his hands down your pants singing "Do You Feel What I Feel" :eek:

Just one week from tonight all the kids in L.A. will be waiting for an old man bearing gifts..their real father:lol:

On New Years Eve in Times Square N.Y they'll be celebrating the reunion of the "Backstreet Boys" and "New Kids On The Block" what is this 1988?:guffaw:

How Christmas has changed. 2,000 years ago if one saw a bright light in the sky, they followed it, now we just shoot it down:scream:

Am I wrong or what isn't Bush getting more done now than when he was president? what's up with that? Pres. Obama met with 60 tribes of the American-Indians. I don't want to say the country is in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them or make it one big Casino:rommie: The tribes have a new name for Obama called "Dances With Republicans":(

Keith Richard of the Rolling Stones and Patti Hansen/model just celebrated 27 years of marriage, who thought it would last that long?..but who thought Richards would last this long?:eek:
 
Jay, Dec. 20~

MONOLOGUE

Rain, rain, rain.. we've go so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves:eek:

5 inches of water in Beverly Hills, but to be fair, 2 inches of it was imported from France~

Busy week in D.C. Congress and the president repealed the "Don't ask, don't tell" and the pres. signed a big tax cut extension. So, if your a gay soldier & rich, this is the best day of your life:lol:

I found it interesting that Russia is allowing tourists to visit Chernobyl. It was the 1st meltdown after the Giants:( They gave up 28 points in 27 minutes, even the Clippers don't do that":lol:

President Obama read his new childrens book to a group of 2nd graders.. it did not go well. 59% disapproved & 87% thought the story was headed in the wrong direction:rolleyes:

Now research shows that 6 out of 10 parents for punishment take away their childrens computers and access to the internet. But, 9/10 kids refuse to help parents when they have PC problems "Call India dad":lol:

Larry King was Jay's guest, strange to see him on the other end of the spectur, being interviewed. He got a standing ovation:bolian: He' just plain cool. Jay asked him how he's doing? he answered "It's tough, I feel mixed emotions, like when your mother-in-law goes over a cliff in your new cadallic", [just kidding he said] but he'll be doing other projects "He said he's proud of all the guests he's had on. Jay goes, "you've had on people that nobody else came even get" He's got 5 kids with ages ranging from 55 down to 10. 4 boys and one daughter, Jay cracked up at that:lol: He told a couple of funny stories and he's sharp as a tack:thumbsup:
 
Jay, Dec. 21~

MONOLOGUE~

Welcome to Los Angeles, America's largest water park:wtf:I've never seen this much rain, for so long. On Saturday their were 260 traffic accidents..most were people texting, while hydro-planning. It was so wet I had to use my Sham-u to dry out my Snuggie. So much rain the "Little Mermaid" was hiding out in Charlie Sheen's bathroom:confused:

And other parts of the country were freezing! In Minneapolis a dog's tongue froze while licking his junk~

So cold in D.C. Obama got in bed with the Republicans just to keep warm:rolleyes:

Then there's the great story about the 3 wisemen who went to the manager to see the baby Jesus. The 2nd and 3rd wisemen were kinda of embarassed, after the 1st one gave a box of gold. On the Frankensence and Murh. It didn't seem to have the same impact as the gold:lol:

And congratulations for the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" repeal bill passing. I saw a few Marines in front of theaters on Broadway trying to recruit people:lol:

Pres. Obama met with 60 Native American tribes & said he'd help tackle the biggest challenge facing them.. "card counting":guffaw:

Gret story a 89-yr.old woman got her college degree. Crazy pre-imposed photo of her later w/ a bunch of cute guys at a kegger party, pounding beer:beer:

Now at some German airports they're going to have clowns entertaining passengers, great,:rolleyes: now after some guy puts his hands down your pants, a clown comes up a squirts you in the face with seltzer water.:wtf: Yeah the Germans are renown for their comedy:lol:
 
Jay, December 23~

MONOLOGUE~

What a difference a little sunshine makes. I've never seen so much rain. I saw a hooker on Hollywood Blvd. that had water up to her Adam's apple:eek:

For the 1st time there was something in the L.A. river besides gangland graffti. So much rain, the only thing shallow in Hollywood..the people:rommie:

Now mudslides, their more unstable than Gary Busey:confused:

If you see something climbing down your chimney on Xmas eve, it's not necessarily Santa, it could be Lindsay Lohan trying to sneak back into rehab:rolleyes:

President Obama wrapped up business in D.C., then flew to Hawaii to spend the holidays with his family! When Sarah Palin heard this she was furious, saying "once again he's leaving the U.S. to go to another country":vulcan:

Soem grocery stores are now putting "electronic tags" on the turkeys, to cut down on theft. "How fat are we getting, that people will think that no one will notice them w/ a turkey underneath their clothing":lol:

The Olive Garden is offering a free trip to Italy in a recent drawing. OH, that's great, now people can find out just how bad the food is at "Olvie Garden":(

7-11, now offering their own brand of wine. Let me tell you if your buying wine at 7-11, you've already had to much to drink.. just buy their coffee:lol:
 
After a week of repeats Jay's back, Jan.4th~

MONOLOGUE~

What a way to start the new year. Floods in Australia, earthquakes in Chile, the Lakers in L.A:confused: just awful & our rainstorms OMG, it's so bad that on the way to work I saw a guy on the freeway with both hands on the steering wheel. You never see that here. So wet, the Chia Pet I threw away is now blocking my driveway:lol:

Economy still bad, on the way to work all the Xmas tree lots were out of business:rolleyes:

Did you all see the ball drop on NYE? that makes it official Justin Bieber has entered puberty:alienblush:

N.Y. so much snow that garbage is pilling up and even New Jersey is complaining about the smell:lol:

Al-Qaeda is threatening to poison our food supply, I think Hostess already beat them to that:eek:

Many water supplies are toxic now but were safe here in L.A., no ones drank tap water since 1974:lol:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top