JAY LENO

Jay 9-2~

Monologue~

Obama announced "The Road To Iraqi Freedom". We've given them a Western Style Life. Well great.. Their economy sucks, their gov. is corrupt and the country is broke.. "welcome aboard"~

Before his speech he called Bush, I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect:lol:

The economy is so bad even Kim Kardashian is losing her a..:wtf:

So bad, that Brett Lavre had to get a job at Walmart as a store greeter:lol:

So bad, the safest place to out your money-Nigerian e-mail scams:(

One secret revealed, now we know how Paris Hilton stays so thin, I'm not saying she does alot of cocaine, but she's changing her name to "Bogota Hilton":rolleyes:

There's now a company that can turn you loved one's ashes into a vinyl record, like your grandparents. Don't we already have that? It's called "The Rolling Stones" Hey:klingon:

New research say heavey drinkers live longer that light drinkers. That's good news for David Hasselhoff, he should live till he's 1,000:rommie:
 
Jay on 9-3~

Monologue~

President Obama is trying to bring peace to the Middle East in two different segments.. which are denial and delusion:(

Hillary actually opened up the peace talks saying "Anyone with conflict can learn to live together" I think she & Bill have proved that:rolleyes:

It showed Obama and Benjamin [can't spell his last name] of Israel sliding down a slide on a park slide:lol:

Jan Brewer the governor of Arizona during her press conference was so stumped at one point she stopped cold and looked down for 13 seconds. When asked about it later she said "at that point I wouldn't of even knew my name" So in Arizona if someone doesn't know their name their deported, so outta of here:eek:

The Taliban said they lost 1/2 of their drug trade, that's just been since Paris HIlton got arrested. She got banned from the Wynn And the Encore Hotel/Casino.. now she'll have to stay at the sleazy Hilton:shifty:

That's when you know you've crossed the line, when places in Vegas don't let you in. So gamblers, prostitutes, whore's and drunks are welcome, but not Paris Hilton~

Economy is so bad Paris Hilton not doing cocaine in Vegas but sniffing glue in Laughlin:cool:

An awkard situation in Chilie, where one of the trapped miners wife and mistress both showed up..my advice .stay in the mine:alienblush:

Bristol Palin was the guest.. no thank's~
 
Jay Sept. 7~

Monologue~

Hope you all had a nice Labor Day weekend..as you all know the banks were closed and today a few of them opened:confused:

10,000car wash employees want to be unionized due to poor working conditions.. #1 demand..everyone leave more money in the ash tray:lol:

A study in Britain said older men prefer younger girls, and young women prefer older rich guys. They determined this after spending 30 seconds in L.A.:eek:

Dodger ownere and wifes divorce is now really getting ugly husband: "you can have them"..wife: "I don't want them you can have them":rolleyes:

Reggie Bush will be stripped lof his Heisman Trophy it's a "code of ethics" But O.J. gets to keep his" go figure:(

Jan Brewer on a Q & A conference drew a blank looked down and couldn't come up with any answers..so she's qualified to run for Gov. of Alaska:lol:

The economy is so bad that Paris Hilton actually had gun in her purse~:vulcan:

So bad that PLayboy just did the girls at the 99 cent store:eek:

Archelogists in Mexico are wondering why the Mayans abruptly left their cities.. They heard there were jobs at Walmart in L.A.:rolleyes:

Their trying to get Marijuana and Hashish in the bars in Vegas.. boy that'll stop the card counting, uh.. what's that # again?:lol:
 
Jay Sept. 10~

Monologue~

Happy Rosh Hashanah, or in Hebrew "NO traffic tomorrow in L.A".:wtf:

Research shows that making over $75,000 does not make you happy.. to which Obama said to the Rebublicans.. "SEE"..:devil:

Obama was in Cleveland and saying that everything was OK, so their Brown's fans in that town, and they'll believe anything:confused:

There was an awkward moment-the speech ended at noon, but 9.6 % didn't have jobs to go back to:(

The economy is so bad, I saw a possum playing dead, just to collect the insurance money:lol:

The Jet Blue pilot who was big news a few week's ago, for sliding with two beers down a chute, will have to undergo an psychiatric evaluation. If he's found sane he might go to jail, if found insane, he can go to work for Southwest Airlines:eek:

BP is now blaming the oil spill on Reggie Bush, this guy can get a break:(

Chelsea Handler was the guest.. no thank's:(
 
Jay..Sept. 13~

I'm in Ralphs supermarket on Sunday and saw Lady Gaga in the meat dept. she was looking for something to wear to the VMA awards:rolleyes: My question? what's the point of this, wearing meat, what's the message here?:confused:

It then showed a fake video of dogs ripping off the meat she was wearing:klingon:

Obama says the economy is improving & "you can take that to the bank", if you can find one that's open:lol:

Some Democrats owe millions of $$$ in back taxes, and when asked "Can you avoid them", the said "YES WE CAN":wtf:

Economy so bad, that crack dealers are now taking 2nd jobs selling Amway:rommie:

So bad that dirty phone calls from Mel Gibson are now costing $4.99 per minute:(

Airlines now have invented a more slim seat a combination of a seat and a saddle. So you won't feel bad when they serve you lunch in a 'feedbag':lol:

They no have a product called "Wine Wipes", so after drinkng wine you teeth will stay white..how much wine are you drinking?, and they should call them "wino wipes"~

A doctor in N.Y. says he can erase unpleasant memories.. well finally some good news for Dodger fans:lol:

He claims they need spiritual guidance, how about a pitcher from the Dominican:confused:

Bill Maher was the guest so opinionated and so controversial, that I'm not going to post most of his comments as not to offend anyone. He did talk about getting his star on Hollywood Walk Of Fame, and one funny comment, was how "people now-a-days believe anything they read on the internet as long as it doesn't have a LOL at the end:guffaw:
 
Jay from Sept. 17~

MONOLOGUE

Halloween is coming up next month, but with the economy s bad, alot of parents are just using duct tape and putting it around the childs ankle and they'll be going as Lindsay Lohan:rolleyes:

She's just out of rehab, and she tested positive for Paris Hilton's gum:evil: My comments "She just isn't getting this, but with 11 days in jail and two weeks in rehab., that's not nearly enough time to clean up her act":alienblush:

A new report out saying that Asian students have the highest SAT scores.. the lowest, American students attending school in Asia:lol:

Michell Obama wants kids to eat more healthy by using more fruits and veggies in their diets. Even putting them in liquor stores. Let me tell ya', if your kids are hanging out at liquor stores, obesity is the least of your worries:scream:

The ecomony is so bad that Oprah is sending her audiences to Reno:wtf:

So bad today I saw a guy at a .99 cent store haggling:lol:

So bad now Lady Gaga, is now wearing leftovers:rolleyes:

France has now outlawed the Burka, lets hope that someday we'll outlaw the Snuggie:guffaw:

Theres a guy in Missouri that's trying to get all older airplanes and zeppelins together.. "this would be great news if it was 1907".. don't quite get this l:lol:
 
Jay Sept. 20~

MONOLOGUE

al-Qaida wants some top officials in Pakistan to step down, so it looks like they've got a Tea Party too~

In England when the Pope met the Queen, they both at the same time said to each other "nice hat":lol:

Whe he was in Scotland, they made him a meal that consisted of a sheeps heart, lungs and liver simmered in the sheeps stomach.. doesn't that sound like a meal you'd make for SATAN:evil: EWWWWW:(

Cocaine sells are down in the U.S., of course they are, Courtney Love is broke Paris Hilton is on probation and Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail:(

According to the U.S. Census Bureau the recsssion ended in June of 2009, and just because your broke and out of a job..it's all in your head:lol:
 
Jay 9-21~

MONOLOGUE

Paris Hilton made a plea deal in Vegas, if she breaks this, she might really be in trouble. So, a rich, famous celebrity may have to spend a weekend behind bars. She still doesn't get t..After it was over she said to the judge "does this mean I get my cocaine back":rolleyes:

And Lindsay Lohan on the "30 days" what does that mean, is it like Verizon minutes?

President Ahmad nut job from Iran said "The future belongs to Iran" He didn't elaborate, because he had a stonning he had to get too:(

A guy in Chicago was arrested for a possible terrorist threat at Wrigley Field in Chicago. The Cub manager was furious said "You want to do that once the play-offs start, the place will be empty, but don't do it now":lol:

A guy in Kentucky killed his wife, because he said he'd had to much caffeine. Don't most poeple want to kill someone before they've had their coffee?:shifty:

After 30 years on "SNL" announcer Don Pardo is retiring, his replacement Larry King:lol:

Casey Affleck and Sheryl Crow were the guests, didn't make it up to see them
 
Jay, 9-24~

MONOLOGUE

Latest good news, Tokyo 1 Paris 0, the denied her from entering their country..bad news, she's coming back here:eek:

They detained her for 6 hours asking about her cocaine arrest. That's 5 hours longer then they detained here where she actually had the cocaine.. Las Vegas~

Ah its fall, I miss the leaves turning orange and red, the birds flying south, the baseball playoffs.. you don't see that here, when the leaves turn red and orange, their on fire:lol:

Amahad-nut job of Iran says "Captalisim if failing" He must have his $$$ in a 401K too!

The economy is so bad Justin Bieber had to get a paper route:lol:

So bad I saw the Paparazzi in front of an Olive Garden:eek:

So bad a woman in Beverly Hills had a fake Gucci bag and real breasts:rolleyes:
 
Jay, 9-28~

MONOLOGUE

How many of you are here just for the AC? [it's 113 in L.A..horrible] and many power outages:klingon:we're having a late heat-wave~:mad:

People are sweating just like Obama, checking his approval ratings:(

So hot, I saw a woman in Beverly Hills almost drinking tap water:lol:

So hot, ever trailers w/ meth labs were bursting into flames:rolleyes:

In L.A. right now the police are looking for the "nude intruder". He bursts into homes and hides under their beds.. creepy and dangerous~

Obama called on security to track down radicals. They go "Hey the Tea Party" is your problem and on them 58% now think Joe Biden is a Muslim:rolleyes:

Now it's surmised that the Capt. of the Titanic crashed because it made a turn to far to the left, in which Obama said "Tell me about it":scream:

Cows who watch TV produce more milk, not to be confused with people who watch to much TV and turn into cows:wtf:
 
Jay 9-28~

MONOLOGUE

Wow, 113 again, it's so hot the Republicans are complaining about global warming~

So hot I was sweating like Michael Bolton on "DWTS":wtf:

Obama hit the road this week and said "The education system has to be reformed" students need to learn appropriately. Apparently someone forgot to tell the Asian students":confused:

A bit testy on the campaign trail Joe Biden told Democrats to "stop whinning and just buck up" we think that's what he said, but with Joe Biden your never sure of what he said:lol:

If you having a garage sale, and you sell anything from China with lead in it, you could be fined $15 miilion:eek: Who's having a garage sale that has $15 mill.?:rolleyes:

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab..again.. what is this her 23rd time? The good news is she'll be out for October-fest:guffaw:
 
Jay, Oct. 1~

MONOLOGUE

So, it's been one of the hottest week's in L.A. history.. so hot, that today Obama went into someones backyard just to use the "Slip 'n' Slide":lol:

So hot that at Hometown Buffet, the roast beef was wearing a sweat band:rolleyes:

So hot I had my doctor said before an exam for a extra $50 he'd put his hands in the freezer before the exam~

Scientists have found a new planet, that is so Earth like that even Michael Bolton would be just as bad of a dancer there:(

Obama is trying to get people riled up, and so is Biden,, it showed him talking to a bunch of Pug-dogs and even the dogs ran away:lol:

Obama said "Now is not the time to quit", and the next day Rahm Emanuel quit:( Emanuel cried when he left, and so did Obama, cause' he had to stay:wtf:

Some other inappropriate political rhetoric~
 
Jay, October 4~

MONOLOGUE

The state dept. has issued a travel warning & told Rick Sanchez not to go to Israel. he called Jon Stewart a "bigot" and said "Jews control the media". I was aired on his own Satellite show, if he had of said it on CNN, nobody would have heard it:confused:

Were now in the deepest recession since the "20's. When it started Lindsay Lohan was actually known for her acting":lol:

On the economy, the Pet food industry is doing great! you know why? that's all people can afford to eat right now:(

Economy is so bad my CD rolled over and died:rommie:

So bad L & O show is now called I.O.U.:lol:

So bad Gloria Allred almost took a real case for the money:confused:

So bad, Meg Whitman had to clean her own house~

The new Secretary of State [chosen by Pres. Obama] Pete Rouse is known around the White House as "let Pete fix it" the 2nd most used saying is "tell Joe Biden I'm not here":eek:
 
Jay Oct. 8~

MONOLOGUE

Christine O'Donnell is dressing up like a Senator for alloween, apparently ths is her only chance:lol:

300,000 illegal immigrants were rounded up & sent back to Mexico. It was on Friday, so they can have a lovely weekend with family before they return:rolleyes:

Lou Dobbs who's against illegal immigrants was found that they worked for him, so now he's qualified to run for governor of California. he said its not true, so we've got a "Mexican stand-off":wtf:

A man in Wisconsin robbed a liquor store wearing an Obama mask. He said it was justified, cause' the store made over $250,000:shifty:

The economy is so bad that Lady Gaga is wearing a dress made out of Hamburger Helper:rolleyes:

So bad the Dali Lama said "screw Tibet, just send me the check":confused:

So bad my urologist doesn't have a pot to pee in:eek:

So bad I saw Paris Hilton trying to snort a 5-hour Sport drink~
 
Jay October 11~

MONOLOGUE

So today is Columbus Day, the perfect Amercan holiday. An Italian who borrowed money from Spain, who found the new land who was taken over by the English and what became the country for all the Spanish speaking people in the world:lol:

Halloween is coming up and alot of people are going as Brett Lavre take off your jersey and run around in your underpants:rolleyes:

A woman in N.Y. threw a drink on Kim Kardashian because her husband was starring at her, OH yeah, what better way then to throw a drink all over her blouse:confused:

The up-coming elections, you've got a whore and a witch you get what you deserve:eek:

Christine O'Donnell in one ad said about her opponet "I didn't go to Yale like you did" UH, I think that's pretty apparent, we get it:alienblush:

95,000 jobs were lost in Sept. and that's just people leaving the White House:wtf:

Pakistan just stated that "they've got no terrorists" well we can sure trust a country who says that who's been hiding Osama bin Laden for 9 years"
 
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