JAY LENO

Jay Jan. 5~

Today the new Congress was sworn in, it was the 112th--they all out their hands on the bible & swore to uphold the Constitution of the U.S of America. It's an oathe kindo of like a NYE resoloution, they try it out for a couple of weeks and then say "screw it" and go back to the old ways:eek:

John Boehner is the new peaker of the house his new slogan is 4 More Tears" :rommie: boo-hoo-hoo. And the passing of the gavel from Nancy Pelosi to him is supposed to be non violent but you could sense the tension between them. It showed an altered video where she was saying goodbye and he wacked her over the head with the gavel:wtf:

Al-Qaeda says women don't have what it takes to be terrorists, 2 words for them Gloria Allred:rommie:

A man in Ny. Y. tried to commit suicide by jumping from the 9th floor of his apt. bldg .but landed on a row of garbage bags, which saved him. No what he was p-off about.. lack of city services:lol:

More monologue but way to sexual and not appropriate for here:(
 
Jay on January 7~

MONOLOGUE~

Such great news, 24-yr. old Crystal is engaged to 84 yr. old Hugh Hefner:eek:.. or as she calls it "panning for gold". She told ET that she doesn't even notice the age difference:rolleyes:.. and that they enjoying taking long walks together to the bathroom:lol:.. she apparently also can't tell the difference between a grape and a raisin. You know what he likes in bed?..guard rails:rommie:

Obama said they added 103,000 jobs recently, most of them went to a "Homeless radio announcer" It is nice to see a 53-yr. old homeless man w/ a golden voice from Ohio get scads of job offers. One as an announcer for the "Cleveland Caveliers", the other good news today, he got adopted by Angelina Jolie:guffaw: They're calling this the greatest story about a down-and outer since Mickey O'Rouke got nominated for an Oscar:bolian:

Yesterday Congress read the consititution. Ya' know it would have been nice if they read it before they got their jobs:rolleyes:
 
Jay from Friday, Jan. 17~

MONOLOGUE~

Snow, snow snow everywhere, so much even home schooling is closing~

So cole in Minnesota Brett Favre's sister had to use her Meth pipe to keep warm. She was arrested in a meth lab, so would that make her a Meth-odist?:rolleyes: It was found in a Condo, they must have the most lax HO ever. Some don't even allow dogs, so how does lone get a meth lab in there? This is her 3rd arrest, she said she was retiring, only to keep comng back :rommie:

A segment called "funny but not that funny". the player Danny Woodhead and the coach called him Danny Woodcock, and all the sports guys were cracking up and rolling on the floor:confused:

Scientists are saying that coffee can cause hallucinations in some people. That's not a far stretch. Remember the 1st time you went to a Starbucks and saw their prices you hallucinated like $5.50 for one cup:wtf:

Ted Williams, the man with the golden voice.. He went from being homeless to instant fame, then to rehab. What's next? "Dancing With The Stars":guffaw:

Guest was Michael Douglas, he's beat his cancer and the tumor is gone, he looks great and what a charming guy~
weehee.gif
 
Jay, Friday, Jan.21st~

MONOLOGUE

The big news from the Chinese summit, is that we can keep the Panda's for 5 more years. That's the trade agreement, they get to keep our jobs and we get to keep the Panda's. Do this, give us back the jobs, will give you back the Panda's and then spray paint a couple of Grizzly bears:rommie:

While in Washington Pres. Hu met with Congress, it was very festive,, the lead of Red China meeting a orange John Boehner. The he flew to Chicago and met with some Chicago Cubs fans. Apparently he wanted to meet with some Americans who've suffered more human rights violations like they have:confused:

Republicans are trying to repeal Obamacare, that's what they call it. Don't confuse that with what they want. "You get sick & we really don't care":(

The FBI has rounded up some mobsters in New York, New Jersey and Rhode Island, so there will be no trash pick-ups in N.Y, N.J, or R.I.. Some are still on the lamb and hiding out. A place you'll never find them is at an "Olive Garden":lol:

Pres. Obama says he's going to the Super Bowl if the Chicago Bears make it. He would be the 1st president to attend the Super Bowl. There are well over 100,00 people there. The Secret Service said they could protect him, it's not like a Raiders game, and he'd be OK. They've offered a deal to people. For $200.000, you can stand outside & watch the game, kinda of like the Dallas Cowboys:confused:
 
*Massachusetts native Jay Leno is Harvard University's Hasty Pudding Man of the Year. Hasty Pudding Theatricals is the nation's oldest undergraduate drama troupe. It says "The Tonight Show" host was selected because he has entertained "millions of people over his long and accomplished career in comedy". Leno follows in the footsteps of his "Tonight Show" mentor Johnny Carson. He won the Hasty Pudding award in 1977.Leno is to receive his pudding pot at a roast on Feb. 4~

News Services~
 
Jay, January 28th~

MONOLOGUE~

Well President Obama started his speech by telling everyone he's Oprah's half-brother:lol: Ya' know what that means, we're out of debt.. woo-hoo~

Today I saw another homeless guy with a great voice, Keith Olberman. MSNBC let him go & a clause in his contract says he can't work on TV for 6 months. He could go on CNN & nobody would even notice:eek: They say he was too controversial, arrogant & self righteous. To bad he was a liberal, he would have been great on FOX NEWS:rolleyes:

So much snow yesterday, Charlie Sheen dropped a bag of cocaine & couldn't find it. [more cheap shot jokes about him] not posting them:(

The Clevland Caviliers are not doing to well, they lost 18 games in a row. It was so bad they charged Lebron James with leaving the scene of a crime:vulcan:

Mexican drug-lords have been catapulting bales of hay with cocaine inside over fences into the U.S. This would be a great idea if it were the bronze age.:lol: what's up with that? Is this Wylie Cayote techcnology BOING-BOING. The only reason they got caught is Willie Nelson and Snoop-Dog showed up with catcher mitts:wtf:

A silver back gorilla from the Cleveland Zoo can walk up right & he was just signed on as a new cast member of "Jersey Shores":guffaw:

Guest was Justine Bieber. His hair is a bit different, parted over to the side. He's a cute kid, and nice very sure of himself. He talked about the Grammys and CSI it showed him with brusies from the show. He said he liked acting and Jay said he'd watched "Shock Waves", & mentioned the last scene where he was smirking and a little evil doer. Said it would be aired on 2-14. Jay and him had some funny banter together:bolian:
 
Jay from Jan. 31st~

PART OF HIS MONOLOGUE~

Record cold temps. all across the nation. It was so cold in No. Calif., "Taco Bell" was selling Reindeer meat:klingon:So cold on the set of 'Skins" that 2 of the teens were wearing clothes. The coldest place in town, what ever basketball hoop the Lakers were shooting at:wtf: It was so cold that Charlie Sheen's thankful for the burning and itching:( [more sleazy jokes about him]

Wednesday is ground hog day..can't imagine how "Taco Bell" is going to celebrate that..ewww:(

The Vegas odds have the Packers slightly favored over the Steelers, yeah we'll see on that one:confused:

And in Egypt, I haven't seen this many protesters since the people heard that Brendan Frasier was going to do another "Mummy" movie:lol:
 
Jay from Feb. 4~

I love this story, they need 10,000 more strippers for the Super Bowl weekend, so ladies your country needs you, and we might have to bring back the draft. Strip clubs in Dallas announced this "and said there is a stripper shortage" When Bill Clinton was president there was a stripper surplus, and we didn't have to go through this:evil:

A cooking channel has a recipe snack for this Sunday. It's chicken wings marinated in cola then covered in chocolate sauce. So when the Super Bowl game goes into sudden death, you can too:eek:

73% of Super Bowl viewers say they'll be tweeting during the SB. I believe these people are called The Chicago Cubs and the New York Jets:eek:

Not a good week for Egyptian president Mubarak, now some are demanding to see his birth certificate. They claim he was born in New Jersey:lol:
 
Jay, Feb. 8~

MONOLOGUE

How about that Super Bowl, and congratulations to the Packers:bolian:

Before the game Janet Napolitano the security secretary said, if you see something suspicious at the Super Bowl, let sombody know, and immediately after Christina Aguilera sang the National Athem some 50 millions people called. Well one thing, you can't accuse her of is lip-syncing:rolleyes: Alot of people didn't notice at first how she flubbed it up, [then it showed a bogus video], of the players crying and Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn:rolleyes:

It also showed what President Obama snacked on during the game[ he loves football] wow he had in the room Buffalo Wings, Pizza, Cheeseburgers, Pretzles, Bratwurst, Kielbasa, Potato salad, twice baked potatoes, and ice cream So much for MIchelle's fight against obesity:lol:

You know where Osama bin Laden watche the game, in his "Man Cave":klingon:

And President Mubarak says if he steps down it would case chaos in his country..well we'd hate to see that happen:rommie: He said he'd leave when the Cleveland Caveliers win, so he'll be there for a very long time:lol:
 
Jay, Feb.11~

MONOLOGUE~

Keith Olberman will soon be on Al Gore's Current TV channel. I don't want to say it has a small audience, but he opens with "Good evening Al":lol:

Researchers have come to the conclusion that kids who eat junk food have lower IQ's, so if your kids are eating at McDonalds, there's a good chance that they'll grow up and work at McDonalds:eek:

News on Pres: Mubarak said he wouldn't leave Egypt until he was dead! The people said "DEAL". He's now staying at a beach resort, I think it's called "Sandles". Guess he figured it would be better than staying at his palace getting stoned:wtf: His salary was $850 a month & he managed to acquire $70-80 BILLION, that's a good 401K:lol: The people are so happy, their dancing at the pyramids, [showed a bogus video of mummies dancing]:lol: What really made Mubarak mad is that he was forced to resign, wile the coach of the Cleveland Calivers still has his job:lol:

The "Kings Speech" looks like a fav. for Oscar night, it's so popular that their going to make a sequel where Geoffery Rush teaches Christina Aguliera how to sing the National Athem, should be a big hit:thumbsup:

Before Lindsay Lohan got charged with jewelry theft, she was thinking about opening a jewelry store. Hey if Charlie Sheen can do rehab out of his home, then she can open a jewelry store:rommie:
 
Jay Feb.15~

MONOLOGUE~

How many of you watched the GRAMMY'S? Did you all see Ricky Martin? was he wearing Justin Bieber's pants?:lol: how tight were they anyway:confused: Ce-Lo with the huge sunglasses and all those feathers. he looked like an angry bird:lol:

Some sleazy Charlie Sheen and Lindsay jokes ho-hum, yawn-yawn:rolleyes:

Did you all have a nice Valentines day? My wife and I like to give each other those little tiny hearts with cute messages in them like "Your so hot", "your so cute". In my day those were like text messages:rommie:

Today Pres. Obama delivered hs new budget and he's very aware [then it showed a bogus video of him inside an egg waving with the budget in hand]:rolleyes:

According to the Wall Street Journal Facebook wants to buy Twitter, for $10 billion. If all goes according to plans they will combine the two, and make it the biggest waste of time this world has ever seen:guffaw:
 
Jay from Friday, Feb. 18~

MONOLOGUE~

Did you all see the big dog show? Not Westminister, the Lakers game. They lost to the Cleveland Cavliers, 124-99 how could this happen? Did you see Kobe Bryant after the game? he sounded like he was auditioning for "The Kings Speech" "I..I..I..dunno know what happened":eek:

Today was the 40th anniversary of the war on drugs. In Mexico there was a moment of silence, followed by hours of laughter:guffaw:

Monday is Pres. Day, lots of sales, things are less expensive, but everytime we get a new pres. everything ends up more expensive:(

In the Middle East Muslims are getting in fist fights with their former supporters. You know what's happening? The Shites are hitting the fan:lol:

Protestors everywhere, 1st Egypt, then Bahrain, then Tunisia & Lybia and now Madison, Wisconsin:wtf:

Pres. Obama had dinner in San Francisco with the CEO's from Apple, Facebook, Twitter and their waiter the CEO from My Space:rolleyes:

On a Delta airplance a woman went beserk and stripped down naked. The passengers tried to cover her with a blanket but nobody had the $7 dollars:eek:

Paris Hilton announced she is releasing her 2nd album, she still hasn't apologized for her 1st album:confused:

Dd you all see the last scene on CSI last night? In a shocking ending Justin Bieber was shot down, but the good news is that before he died he filled out a "hair doner" card:lol:
 
Jay from Feb.25~

MONOLOGUE~

WOW, the audience applause, you sound like Dick Cheney when oil prices hit $100 a barrel:wtf: Do you believe how high gas prices are getting? In Beverly Hills gas stations are now selling it by the gram. Parts of L.A. gas is $4.51 per gallon. Today I saw 20 people in a Chevy, all legal immigrants:lol: In Vegas, it's so high, guys are hiring hookers just to siphon:rolleyes: Over night gas prices went up over 6-1/2 cents, and on CBS programming went down on "Two And A Half Men", more cheesy CS jokes and Lindsay Lohan ones yawn-yawn:(

In Lybia, Moamar Gadhafi's ramblings that "he's fine and ready to go back to work" He's now the Charlie Sheen of Lybia:lol:

Sen. Harry Reid of Nevada is calling for the end of prostitution there, [good luck on that] Yet another Democrat against domestic drilling:eek:

A pizza delivery woman in Nashville, TN. is being called a hero. A customer who everyday for 3 years called in to order a pizza. When she hadn't heard from her for 3 days, she was concerned, and went over to her house. She found her lying on the floor, probably from eating pizza everyday for 3 years:guffaw:
 
Jay, March 1st~

MONOLOGUE

If I seem a little out of it tonight, it's cause I was partying with Christina Aguilera, and we got seperated.. well these celebrities, we love them but she was arrested last night for public intoxication. I don't want to say she was out of it, but when she was arrested, she demanded to be let go, so she could go back to work on "Two And A Half Men":lol:

So today I turn on the TV and nothing but CSI on every channel, not the crime show, but CHARLIE SHEEN INSANITY I've watched all the exclusive interviews, is there anybody he hasn't talked too?:rolleyes: more cheap shot jokes about him.. moving on~

Anne Hathaway and Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars had on somwhere near a half of million borrowed jewerly, and when Lindsay Lohan heard this heard this she goes "And I'm going to jail for this, it isn't fair":(

And at the Oscars it had on Bob Hope like he was really there in person. That's the same technology they'll have at Hugh Hefners wedding:guffaw:

And this week Presdent Felipe Calderon form Mexico will be visiting the U.S. why is he here? So he can speak to the Mexican people:rolleyes:
 
Jay, March 4~

MONOLOGUE~

Here's a fascinating story..In a new book by Pope Benedict he talks about exonerating the Jews for the killing of Jesus.. well not a moment too soon. It's a good thing he nipped that in the bud, cause' these things can fester over the years, so thank gawd that's settled:rolleyes:

President Calderon from Mexico was in Washington & he told Pres. Obama he "must do more to reduce the demand for drugs". Obama said "hey we got Charilie Sheen off crack-cocaine, what more do you want"?:wtf:

Mike Huckabee is now attacking Natalie Portman for being pregnant, without being married. This could be a bit awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin "How's the kid":lol:

They found a meth lab in a day care center in N. Carolina. well good luck on getting those kids to take a nap:wtf:

A new research study says women who drink are less likely to be obese, then women who don't. All this time you've been on Jenny Craig, you should have been on Johnny Walker~
 
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