JAY LENO

Jay June 13~

MONOLOGUE~

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks, the first champion NFL to beat the Miami Heat. Their planning a huge parade in Dallas, almost as big as the one in Cleveland. And remember the beginning of the season when LaBron went down to Miami. Apparently his psychic abilities are about as good as his free throw:eek:

The Air-Force One had to intercept two little planes that flew over Camp David while the president was there. Apparently they were just lost.. like the economy:(

According to the Wall Street Journal. economic experts fear there might be a 2nd recession, so when did the 1st one end, does anybody know? Remember the great day we all celebrated when the 1st one ended:confused:

The economy is so bad that bed-bugs are now infesting sleeping bags in tents, because they can't afford hotel roooms:lol:so bad that Arnold S. is cleaning his own house, so bad that LaBron James can't even make excuses:rolleyes:

On Anthony Weiner, 56% of all New Yorkers say he shouldn't resign, the rest say he should give up his cell phone camera:rolleyes: He's now going into a treatment center for chronic sexual problems. He's already there, it's called Congress:wtf: And during this crisis he called Bill Clinton for advice. In fact their calling it the first case of the pot actually calling the kettle:rommie:

Which makes me wonder where the H is Charlie Sheen during all of this:confused:
 
Jay from June 20th~

MONOLOGUE~

It was fathers Day this past weekend, and I see that Arnold S. got one more bottle of Old Spice. You know what game Arnold played on Fathers Day? "Old Maid". So we've got him, John Edwards and Anthony Weiner, who would have guessed that Charlie Sheen would end up Father Of The Year:rommie:

President Obama and speaker of the House John Boehner had a "golf game" on Saturday:rolleyes:Know what Obama's handicap was.. Joe Biden:lol: One awkward moment in the club house when Anthony Weiner was handing out the towels:rolleyes: He's leaving Congress with a million bucks, so he's leaving with a bigger package then he came in with:borg:

People in Greece rioting turning over cars, starting fires, you know how hard it is to put out a Greece fire:rolleyes:

Did you all see the couple making out during the uproar in Vancouver? How smooth is this guy, when I was his age, I couldn't even score a kiss on a sunset beach, yet this guy is kissing a gal next to a burning car.. good job:bolian:
 
After a week off and on tour, Jay returned last night:bolian:

MONOLOGUE

Hope you all had a nice 4th of July. Becasue of the economy, alot of cities were sutting back of firework displays. Here in Burbank, not good they all just did Diet Coke and Mentos:confused: Now Barstow the place to go. Everyone gathered around to see the Meth labs explode, very colorful:lol:

Sarah Palin spoke about Independence Day and said "Can you imagine if the British won the war, we'd all be speaking English":rolleyes: So that's something to think about:rommie:

PHEWW, the heat 104 here so hot that President Obama had to install a 'ceiling fan'. So hot that jurors in Florida were delirious and incoherent..what is with that? More sick jokes about Casey Anthony not funny but one. Apparently the retired jurors form the O.J. trial retired to Florida and caused this injustice:eek:

According to records Osama bin Laden cell phone had numbers directly to the Pakistan Intelligence Agency [ya' think]:rolleyes:

Scientists are predicting that eventually people will live to be 1,000, and their SS benefits won't start till their 965:lol:

And they claim that it costs $300 million yearly to keep the royals and the palace running the way it does. Thank goodness the Queen hasn't updated her wardrobe, think how much that would cost, she's still wearing hats from 1957:vulcan:

And Prince William and his new bride Kate will visit L.A. this week, and would like to also visit Mexico. Their in Canada now. That should be interesting, their so much alike:confused:
 
Jay from July 8-

MONOLOGUE~

Very exciting news, Prince William and Kate have arrived here in L.A.. They came across the border from Canada in true tradition, hiding in the trunk of a '91' Nissan:lol: Very nice couple. While their here in L.A. they're going to visitSkid Row, they want to visit Sarah Ferguson:wtf:. The British have different names for the same thing. An elevator is called a 'lift', they call the subway 'the tube', and Denny's a 'gourmet restuarant':lol:

Pres. Obama said in negotiations over the debt limit he and Congress are ready to roll up their sleeves & get to work. Ever notice that when Congress rolls up their sleeves, the rest of us drop our pants and bend over:eek:

The economy is so bad today 3 Astronauts had to use Priceline.com, so bad steven Tyler was forced to borrow clothes from Jennifer Lopez. So bad today I saw Calvin Cline wearning pajama jeans. So bad I saw Roger Clemmons & Barry Bonds at a needle exchange:eek:
 
Jay from July 15~

MONOLOGUE~

Mass jokes about the closure of our 405 freewaay in L.A. over the weekend, for 53 hours. and most are going WTF:wtf: Kelsey Grammar had marriages that lasted longer then that. Everyday on our local TV stations they had newscasters reporting alternate routes. It showed silly videos of people climbing through canyons, climbing up rocks, going through tunnels ets. It's up and running now~

There's no a move to divide California into 2 states. The state of poverty and the state of bankrupcy:cardie: There's already a New Mexico so that's out~

The price of gold at an all time high, $1,600 an oz. In fact today I saw Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend digging for gold in his teeth:evil:

John McCain critized Michele Bachman for wanting the raise the debt ceiling, saying it wolud be a big mistake. And if anyone knows about big mistakes, it's John McCain:lol:

Here's the difference between govt. employees and regular ones. A Government agency in Dallas is giving counceling to 38 employees for spending to much time on FACEBOOK, in a reg. job they'd be fired:eek:

A man on Southwest Airlines going to Salt Lake City was arrested for pelting peanuts and pretzels at an airline pilot. My question "when do you ever get peanuts or pretzels on Southwest?
 
Jay from July 25~

MONOLOGUE~

Soem good news, the 2 sides have finally come together, the crisis is over..wer'e gonna have some football..YEAH! It was pretty tense there for a while, between the owners and the players. Some of them were X-ing out parts of the contract, come to find out, they were just signing their names:lol:

The #1 movie last weekend was "Capt. America", it made $68 million, the bad news now Capt. America owes China $14 trillion:wtf:

And there's still not deal on the stupid "debt ceiling deal" One plan the American people will get hosed, the other they'll get screwed:eek: And house speaker John Boehner said "it might be hard to put Humpty Dumpty back together again" Why is he "quoting" children's books, he's not Bush:rommie:

We are literally running out of money.."I wanna see reciepts"

And the heat, whew, it's been 106 in Newark N.J. now people have 2 reasons to leave that city. It's so hot, people are sweating like a reporter covering the Rupert Murdoch story~
 
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