JAY LENO

He's been gone for a week so he's back~

Jay from April 25~

MONLOGUE

President Obama's approval raiting so bad that the egg roll on the White House lawn turned into the kids egging the WH. And it was a bit different this year, as when the kids found an egg they had to trade it in to first lady Michelle for egg-beaters:( Took the excitment right out of it:confused: And the ones who painted the eggs were ex-cons, so it's nice to see the WH reaching out to former members of Congress:lol:

And because of what happened in Japan, peole here are worried about ouor nuclear power plants. But, we've never had a complete meltdown, the closet was Charlie Sheen. And one of his goddess left him, he doesn't just "want to be friends" that's not "winning":rolleyes:

And Donald Trump keeps making false accusations against Obama, and we've now learned that he's never even voted in a primary election for 21 years. Of course he hasn't his name wasn't on the ballot. The next thing we'll hear is that "he doesn't like to hear himself talk":scream:

Gas prices are now $5.21 in Beverly Hills, so people are driving down to Mexico for their cheap gas. It doesn't matter that their cars might be riddled with bullets they get cheap gas. So who ever thought that to have a better way of life go to Mexico:confused:
 
Jay from April 29~

MONOLOGUE

As you all know today Prince William and Kate Middleton got married, which officially changes their status on FACEBOOK. Kate said a few hours later "King Me":confused: Kate's gown was a huge hit as was unanimously stunning. Prince William not so much he kinda of looked like Captain Crunch:rommie: Ad the queen was so loose many one to many gin and tonics. It showed a silly video [simulated] of her riding around on a vaccum cleaner:rommie: And all the crazy hats, one looked like a big jug, OH sorry it was Prince Charles head:rolleyes: You know why we're so fascinated by royal weddings and the monarchy here, cause' we have none. The closet would be if Larry King married Queen Latifah:lol: This wedding cost about $65 million, and with the bad economy even in Britain, how'd they pay for it? "sponsership" it showed a McDonalds sticker on PW lapel:lol: and on the Queen's hat a Subway sticker:rolleyes:

More bad news for Donald Trump, that racoon on his head was born in Kenya. The media is so obessed by him that they've put Charlie Sheen and Snookie on the back burner, nobody knows what their doing:rolleyes:

Casey who was nuked on "AI" was on and sang with the band~
 
Jay, May 2~

MONOLOGUE~

Well it looks like Obama has a new campaign slogan "YES I DID":bolian: The good news, Osama bin Laden is dead, the bad news, there is no bad news Osama bin Laden is dead:evil: Pres. Obama announced that he'd been killed by a group of highly trained NAVY SEALS, even Sarah Palin was impressed. "I've seen tham at Sea World, bouncing balls on their noses, I had no idea they were that skilled":rolleyes: John McCain is even thrilled, he hasnt' been this excited since they killed John Wilkes Booth:lol: Saw the pres. giving his speech and it was very eloquent and he was giddy, then it showed a simulated photo of him doing back flips:rommie: This whole plan started last August, bin Laden got behind on his rent and his bank turned him in:rolleyes: They just went right in his mansion and killed him, later that day Donald Trump sold his mansion didn't want to take any chances:wtf: Before they announced it, they wanted to make sure DNA wise it was him, so they called in Maury Povich he said "yes, it's him":lol: And he was shot in the face so it looks like maybe Dick Cheney was involved:alienblush:

I'm so mad I finally got my invitation to the Royal Wedding in the mail. Kate's dress was beautiful, but what did Prince William have on? It looked like something from the Sgt. Pepper collection:rommie: And what's with all the medals on his jacket? what did he get those for, beer pong, making his bed? or did he just grab a bunch from his grandmother the QUEEN, and just pin them on his jacket? And they won't reval their honeymoon destination, I think their in Pakistan:eek:
 
Jay from May 5~

MONOLOGUE:bolian:

It's Friday and this Sunday we get to honor the woman who raised us, who fed us, comforted and taught us right from wrong. As they call them in Beverly Hills.. The Nanny:lol: Lots of decisions on this day. You go to the ATM and draw out $200, should you buy roses, or use it to fill up your SUV and drive that 50 miles to see dear old mom?

Oil dropped to $100 a barrel & they should pass on the savings to us in 6 or 7 years:wtf:

Pakistan is still sticking with the excuse that they didn't know bin Laden was hiding there. he wasn't hiding there, he was living there. So blatant. Then showed some fake photos of him being a crossing guard, and in a resturant called bin Laden Place. And getting a star on the main drag in Pakistan:lol: And bin Laden's wife who was shot in the leg hadn't been out of the house for 5 years. Petty big clue right there "You never take me any place":guffaw:

Now their burning American flags..again, where are they buying them, How many places to you where you can buy a Pakistani flag?

They want [al-Quaida] to rename the Arabian Sea to "Martyer Sea" PLEASE, He stayed in a bedroom with the blinds closed for 5 years. How about "Chicken Of The Sea":evil:

And on Cinco de Mayo day the Mexicans were so drunk, they were sneaking into Guatamala:lol:
 
Jay from May 13~

MONOLOGUE~

Ashton Kucher has a new slogan "WINNING". It's official he's replacing Charlie Sheen on "Two And A Half Men". Charlie was so stunned that he fell off his porn star. Some thought he might be back, he just bought a new house for $7million, the most ever paid for a crack house:wtf:

Their now finding an extensive collection or pron in bin Laden's lair. That's got to be tough guys, hiding porn from 3 wives. What's his idea of porn anyway, women voting OOOOH, women driving WHOA. The it showed two camels doing it:lol:

The Minister of Intelligence in Iran said he's got proof that bin Laden was dead before our SEALs burst in. Did anyone know that Iran had a Minister of Intelligence? That's like Pakistan having a Minister of Truth:evil:

So I'm watching "American Idol" last night, don't know if you noticed this but in the audience [fake photo[ of Mommar Quadaffi sitting in the audience:guffaw:

Pres. Obama giving a speech in El Paso about immigration and it showed the wall behind him with illegals clmbing over the wall:eek:

Their thinking of making another "Mad Max" movie, where people steal and kill each other for gasoline. The movie takes place sometime in July:lol:
 
Jay May 15~

MONOLOGUE~

Glad you all having fun now!! Have you seen all the flyers/billboards around town saying the worlds gonna' end on Saturday it's "dooms day". well that sucks I just joined NetFlex. How may people believe this? How many can't wait till the after the "dooms day" sale at Macys:rolleyes:

Pres. Obama earlier today outlined his plan for peace in the Middle East. He said "we'll go back to the pre 1967 borders" Native Americans upon hearing this said "why stop there, lets go back to the pre 1492 borders":lol:

As you all know Queen Elizabeth is touring Ireland and it's historic sites. She went to the Guiness Brewery, and they poured her a glass of beer. The it showed a fake video [2 hours later] and them dragging her out drunk:guffaw:

Arnold S. jokes to tasteless to post:(

Custom agents in New Mexico found crates of illegal baloney the biggest haul ever. Who's smuggling in baloney? Have you ever been at a concert and someone goes "Hey do you know where I can get some illegal baloney":lol:
 
Jay May 23~

MONOLOGUE!

Thie world coming to the end thing:cardie: Hey I love Oprah, but it was only a TV show, and she'llbe back~

So I guess your weren't one of the chosen to go to heaven either huh? well the good news the world didn't come to an end on Saturday. The bad news, if you told your boss off and to go to hell, your in big trouble on Monday:wtf: So judgement day didn't come, but for Arnold S. getting his maid pregnant was a bad judgement day.. And the guy Harold who predicted this and raised $100 million, when asked what happened, didn't miss a beat saying "It was a miracle":rommie: He also predicted that bin Laden would be in a place with an ocean view:bolian:

And "The Voice", has turned out to be a huge hit for NBC. I bet that the preacher, that thought the world would come to an end, cause only once in a blue moon does NBC have a hit show:vulcan:

According to homeland security Al Quaida has been plotting attacks against oil tankers & refineries for years. Well good thing that didn't happen, the price of gas would have sky rocketed:rommie:

And according to bin Ladens dairies, he wanted to attack Los Angeles, but the car bombers just went home after getting stuck on the 405 for hours:(
 
Jay May 25~

MONOLOGUE~

I've been nervous and jittery all day, then realized I'm going through Oprah withdrawal. It's sad, as you know Oprah ened her show yesterday in Chicago And just like the Cubs:confused:

Now John Edwards being investigated for using campaign money funds for his mistress and love child & he could go to jail. If he does go to prison my advice, get rid of the pretty hair-do:lol:

Now XTRA is reporting that ex. gov. Arnond S., had yet another affair while in office and showed and photo of the British comedian Dame Edna:guffaw:

California will now have to release 46,000 convicts due to over crowding and no money for the prison system. The good news.. the Oakland Raiders will have more season ticket holders:rommie:

Pres. Obama arrived in France fr the G-8 summit. The meeting of the top leaders in power. To show how bad the economy is when Obama showed up the other leaders said "Uh, what are you doing here":confused: He made a fo-pah when he signed the British guest book and put in 2008. He's so popular over there he thought it was still 2008, like when he was campaiging:cool:

Now that minister that predicted the world would end last weekend, now says it'll be October. So GOD has picked us up for 22 more weeks:angel:

And still Air Controllers are falling asleep while on the job. I just read that there are over 22 million insomniacs, why don't they give these people those jobs?:lol:
 
Jay May 27~

MONOLOGUE!

Hope you all have a nice Memorial Day weekend. How many of you are going to pile the family in the car, drive down to your local gas station, see the price of gas, and drive back home?

The Supreme Court upheld the law that penalizes workers who hire illegal immigrants especially in Arizona?. In a related story the price of a head of lettuce is now $137 a head:eek:

The big G-8 summit wrapped up yesterday. A big enonomic combo. Do they know what their actually doing there? The whole world is having problems then it shows a simulated video of French president Zarkosy playing beer pong right there at the summit:lol:

And what's more exciting then Sarah Palin going on a bus tour across the U.S.? A really good idea, now she can learn the names of all the states. When asked what the audience thought of her running on the GOP ticket they all booed:( And just when we thought things were bad last weekend with the world coming to an end news:wtf:

More cheesy Newt Gringrich jokes and not funny to me:confused:
 
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