I'm so glad everything's going well with Kerry
WEll, I've never had inlaws, so I have no idea
.
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Okay, so I came up with this while emailing
Mia, basically it applies to all women (okay, only the really annoying ones
; but it's so much funnier when you twist these into gay rules :lol
So anyway, here we go:
The 11 Rules to having stable relationships with Femmes
no1:
"When femme in question moans about not being equally good at sth, tell her that you love her. Then proceed to tell her that she's just as good as you are, if not maybe a little bit better.<-- This applies even when you think her skills suck. Remember: A femme is ALWAYS your no1 piority and the best thing there is in your life. Tell her this every day, multiple times even.
no2:
"When Femme in question moans about her weight, DO NOT
-tell her she looks fine to you
(she will twist that into "so just F I N E???*insert whiney voice*)
-tell her she is beautiful
(or be prepared for " You just say that to make me feel better" *insert VERY whiney voice paired with a sob*)
DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell her
-I love you no matter what
(she will bitchslap you and run out screaming "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy have I gotten sooooooooooooo
faaaaaaaaaaat???")
DO the following:
-wrap her in your arms, kiss her breathless and then, ONLY then tell her that she looks amazing and that you wanna *** on her right now
No3:
When Femme in question comes home and asks you with her
whiney-only-reserved-for-special-occasions-like-EVERYDAY voice whether you love her, DO NOT
-wonder what in the world might have prompted her question
(as Femmes just HAVE phases that prompt them to doubt anything, from their current clothes size ("I don't trust these pants, they say it's a size 6, but I'm positive it's at least a 10 *breaks down in hysterical tears*) to the color of their car ("Why did I buy that black car? WTF was I thinking? It does NOT match my blue dress *insert, as always, hysterical femmy whine*) and the reason for someone loving them ("How can you love me? I'm fat and ugly and you're so much more..." <--which does NOT mean you're so much fatter and uglier;
remember, a femme got through high school with her looks, NOT her
brains!)
DO
-proceed to tell her that you love her by listing all of the reasons you can come up with for loving someone (even if not all of them apply to your Femme, look at it more in terms of damage control than lying
No4:
"When Femme in question ask you something, ANYTHING, remember:
A grunt is never an acceptable answer to any question. "
No5
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. EVER!
(be prepared to tell her so every other week. Scratch that, tell her that whenever she asks, even if it is several times a day or whenever she walks past a mirror!)
No6:
Her cooking is ALWAYS excellent.
(That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. Remember, though:
-let her pick the dish, as there is a 50/50 chance of making an otherwise perfect evening go bad by either
-cooking something healthy
("Do you think I'M fat? DO you think I need
to diet?")
Or
-cooking something unhealthy ("I can't eat this, do you wanna make me
faaaaaaat??")
No7:
Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
No8:
Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
No9:
The following applies to EVERY situation your Femme and you disagree. It is essential to learn this by heart:
You're wrong.
Also:
You're sorry.
^Do NOT question this rule, ever
.
No10:
-No means No.
-Yes means Yes.
-Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment
in time, and it could change without notice.
No11:
Now, this only applies to the butchy dykes or the ones who got REALLY lucky:
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything. :lol: