JAY LENO

[Desertwind]

From Friday nights show, a few quips from his monologue~

I'm so stupid all this time I've had Lindsay Lohan's passport in my pocket , I thought it was mine"

The judge ordred to stop drinkin and doing drugs and made her wear a ankle monitor. When her mom heard she goes "WHAT" , now who am I going to party with:wtf:

Now the BP are saying the oil leak is greater than they estimated, and we realize that BP are bigger idiots then we estimated!

On the economy it's so bad that people that are drowning under water now have to deal with the oil as well.. I saw Bill Gates shopping at Radio Shack

A recent poll found that beauty and money don't bring happiness, but then being ugly and broke really doesn't get it either~

I passed on Keifer Sutherland..... but Carrie and Bruno form "DWTS" were delightful, he had on tight jeans and a black leather jacket her a black dress with a white top. They picked Nicole and said she "was the best dancer they ever had on the show" they showed a clip of Carrie from "In Living Color" dancing, very young & then Bruno from a Italian show wearing skin tight slinky red one piece outfit, singing and dancing from way back when. He cracked up everyone laughed. On "AM Idol" he said that Simon had a trailer like Taj Mahal, but he can't sing or dance:lol: and that their ratings were equal... And on Kate Gosslin Bruno said "she was cataonic, awful and got up and imitated her:scream:

Adam Lambert was the last guest and came out in silver and black lame pants and silver boots and a black top with scads of silver jewerly. Sang '"If I Had You" He's so gliztzy and so confidant and so good, and he knows he is, a natural talent~

 

[Desertwind]

Last nights show~

Some tid-bits from his monologue~

Last night I taped "LOST"and got the Lakers instead, in Phoenix OUCH, they treated them like illegal immigrants~

The "LOST" finale was just a hallucination in Lindsay Lohans brain

The oil spill in the gulf is so bad, I check the oil in my car, and it had seaweed in it:wtf:

It's even going up the coast to the Carolina's the folks there said, "they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since John Edwards":shifty:

President Calderon visting Pres. Obama at the White House called for a weapons ban and wants to know why we call "Taco Bell" Mexican food

A guy shot a bald eagle and said he thought it was a porcupine, how blind do you have to be to mistake those two? Then he went back to his job fixing oil rigs:lol:

HEADLINES~

Drinking snail mucos will make you sick

Visit the Davy Crockett cabin, w/ a pic of Davy Crockett accompanying it. Jay 'Davy Crockett died in 1837, that's Fess Parker, who played him on TV"

Kids on "what their mom taught them" one girl said "How to hold my liquor":wtf:

Ad..feeding troth galvanzed:can be used for baptisms:vulcan:

Guy runs into liquor store, steals a 12 pk. of warm beer, a 1/2 later his buddy, comes in and steals a bag of ice.. IDIOTS.. both caught

 

[Desertwind]

Last nights monologue and other events~

Good news, BP executives say the TOP KILL is working, the bad news, they're a bunch of lying weasels:lol:

THey're still trying to put a good spin on this "all the oil that spilled this month is on the house"

Trying to jam it with mud and cement, or as they call it in Hollywood, a "butt lift"

Pres. Obama is agitated on the woman who was in charge and said he "didn't know if she quit or was fired" how about arrested:shifty:

The Stock Market is so bad Warren Buffet is selling his own blood

Sarah Ferguson said she'd like to be on "DWTS' and if the price is right, she'll even have Prince Andrew come along"

She has a new book out called "Cash In The Hat"

Kate Gosslin was so bad, that a judge made her wear a ankle bracelet that goes off if she dances:lol:

Kevin Eubank's last night is tonight , I sure will miss their silly, funny banter.
Besides doing new music career things, he'll be visiting schools to telling children the importance of music in their schools. One kid who played the sax, was so honored to meet him, and came on the show and sat in with the band:thumbsup:

 

[Desertwind]

From Friday nights show, and Kevin Eubanks' last hurrah

Monologue
The oil spill, the worst in U.S. history--the biggest national disaster since the state of New Jersey

The Stock Market is so bad that Pres. Obama had to lay off two tele-prompters:lol:

So bad that Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar~

So bad that the Gov. of Arizona was eating at a Taco Bell~

So bad that Hollywood Stars were playing themselves at the Hollywood Wax Museum~

Instead of an alcohol monitor, they just handcuffed Lindsay Lohan to a Mormon

David Hasselhoff allgedly went on a 3 day drinking bender. He was so drunk that Lindsay Lohan's ankle bracelett went off:wtf:

So, this was Kevin's last show after 18 years, I had no idea he'd been on this long. He spoke and honored, and introduced his whole band, & I was choked up The connection between him and Jay was so strong, they're just long time buddies, they crack each other up:rommie: and they showed silly, crazy, funny clips of the past 18 years together, hilarious:guffaw: One time he goes to Kevin" he will continue to play songs that no one has ever heard of except the band":lol:Kevin them tried to imitate Jay and failed miserably LOL. Good luck to him and his band and may all his future dreams come true, He will certainly be missed

 

[Desertwind]

All re-runs last week.. all new now. And congratulations to the new band leader RICKY MINOR and his band their great, and he sings too

Monologue A few tid-bits~

June gloom, the Lakers lost to Boston Jack Nicholson was so bored he was watching Hockey on his iPad~

Scientific news the slowest thing on the earth, The White House responding to the oil spill

BP says the oil spill could last till the fall: it's their campaign: dirty, slimy and never seems to end

Next contestant on The Bachelor. Al Gore

Who knew that Billy and Hillary would be Washingtons happiest couple:shifty:

Drug dealers are now selling hard-core Heroine, called Black Tar Heroine, has BP now merged with drugs dealers, how low can you go:scream:

Teens say they can text with their eyes closed, and it doesn't affect their driving at all. MU-HA-HA:lol:

Headlines all funny, just a few~

Dentures for sale only missing two teeth $50 bucks

Two idiots stole a big/wide screen TV from a Walmart, and put it on the top of their car, so stupid they had no room in their trunk, saying to the police "they found it there when they came out to their car"

Nail caps for kitties, multi-colored. Jay: "Your cat is not going to wear those":lol:

Sausage stolen if returned, no questions asked

Howie Mandel was on, he got a backpack as a gift in his dressing room, w/ a blanket and dishes like for a picnic and goes "I haven't gone on a picnic for ages, just what I wanted":rommie: He talks so fast I couldn't keep up with his comments~

 

[Desertwind]

From Wednesday night~

Monologue

Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, and Jay predicted this when they were on in March:bolian:

USC, banned from playing for two years, now they have to start going to classes for real. Even O.J. is distancing himself from them

Soccer and why Americans don't watch. It showed a British announcer and you couldn't understand a word he said:lol:

The Argentine coach said it was OK to have sex during Soccer practice Jay goes "just don't shout GOAL afterwards"

British coach said NO sex during practice and we'll be monitoring you in your hotel room--"too bad they don't do this to the oil rigs"

BP stands for Born Polluters"~

They've hired Helen Thomas in Arizona to yell at illegal immigrants "Get out, go back to Mexico"

Hall and Oates have threatend to cancel a concert if this isn't resolved, yeah "that'll teach em, see how long you can go without an Hall and Oates concert":lol:

Arizona threatend them and make them go back where they came from "the 70's"

Jay:: "I'm not going to weigh in on this till I hear what "Flock Of Seagulls" is going to do":guffaw:

Guest was Dennis Leary, which we missed

 

[Desertwind]

From Friday night~

Monologue

"What's the difference between Obama dn the Lakers? The Lakers know who's a.. to kick"

Obama on Tony Haywire, how he would have fired him & kicked some a.. That's Washington for ya' 1/3 kick a.. 1/3 kiss a.. and 1/3 grab a..:lol:

BP says Louisiana isn't the only state that sells shrimp. Well excuse me BP isn't the only com. that sells oil so "up yours"

Meg Whitman former CEO of eBay spent $81 million in California [Rebublican candidate] she sold crap on eBay, at the rate California is going, we may have to sell it on eBay

Gore divorce may be very costly, now Al will only be talking about saving 1/2 of the planet~

They just found many dead Gladiators in a Rome graveyard, now at last the Spartacus family can have some closure~:lol:

 

[Desertwind]

LENO'S FUNNY, FAMILIAR STANDUP ACT DOESN'T FAIL:thumbsup:

Lets cut to the chase. Jay Leno, who appeared last Saturday nigh at The Show at Agua Caliente Resort and Casino, did not talk about Conan O'Brien, or his abortive 10 p.m. show on NBC. Or his embattled return to "The Tonight Show", or O'Brien's ancsesion to basic cable. He did, however, address such topics as Bill Clinton, George W.Bush, crooked attorneys, condoms, the Playboy channel, and why dogs are better than cats. So, for the full house at the show, Leno provided a crisp, albeit familiar, 90 minutes of well, Leno. Amid all the media hubbub over NBC's bungling attempt to reinvent a cheaper version of primetime, Leno was cast as a megalomaniac, who snatched argubly TV's most plum gig from poor 7-month short timer O'Brien. Yes, it's been a most turbulent year since Leno first opened The Show a year ago. As accusations flew, what got obscured was an inarguable fact--at approximately 11:35 p.m. each night America LOVES som Leno. At The Show, Leno re-established his warm, fuzzy cred. He isn't edgy and inventive like 'Brien. He isn't unpredictable and acerbic like Letterman. he isn't testosterone-steeped like Jimmy Kimmel. Leno is safer, solid and reliable. so an extended version of his "Tonight Show", monologue with a healthy doses of "my wacky family" humor from his old stand up act tossed in, was exactly what the Agua Caliente crowd was looking for. Leno didn't disappoint. His first gig was vintage Jay: "Good evening BP stockholders" He followed that by expressing his shock at seeing "endless news footage of oil-covered birds-until he realized it wasn't the Guilf oil spill coverage, but a KFC commercial":lol:
While Leno touched on recent headlines, much of his topical material trekked back to comic pay dirt from years hence-Bill Clinton's wandering eye, George W. Bush's intellect, even Bjork's ill-fated swan gown. The crowd didn't seem to mind that Jay was tilling familiar fields. He broke them up over and over again. NO mater whose troops you back in the after-your-local-news wars, one has to admit-Jay's still charming, comfy and couldn't offend anyone even on his crankiest day. More satisfying than his evening news barbs were Jay's pokes at his relatives, his pets and his own mortality. These jokes reminded us how he got the best job on TV in the first place. He's an affable guy and America, when programming it's long-running traditions, oft prefers affable. The most rewarding gag of the evening was Leno coming to terms with his 6 decades on the planet-half of that telecast nightly Peacock network. He recalled how, half a life ago, he was injured in a much publicized motorcycle accident. Three days later, he was back on the air. Now, he bemoaned, he cannot turn his head and yawn at the same time without pulling a muscle, all of him turning 60. That's about the age of the "elderly relatives' he often makes fun of in his act. He hinted, turrning into his own jokes. It's not the material that's going to kick start contemporary comedy. But it's funny, familiar stuff that clicks millions of remotes over to the rekindled "Tonight" each and every night. And it's the stuff that filled Jay's show on Saturday~

TOM BRAY..PRESS ENTERPRISE!

 

[Desertwind]

From Friday night~

MONOLOGUE

Finally they've found a way to plug the oil leak..stuff it with Celtic T-shirts:lol:

L.A. went nuts so crazy they even pushed Charlie Sheen's car back out of the canyon to his drivway

Soccer vidoes of people/fans getting slammed in the face with the Soccer ball

BP Tony Hayward known as "The Lying King", he took no blame and acted vague. He went back to England to watch a Yacht race

Cuba can't wait for the oil to get there, they can use it it as a 'slip and slide' to get to Miami:rommie:

Southwest Airlines flight attendant found a box w/ 60 heads in it. [Medical Research, on it's way to a hospital] Jay: "know how they died, waiting for a connecting flight":guffaw:

A inmate in Utah choose a firing squad as his way to be executed..2nd choice watching "The Bachelorchette":lol:

 

[Desertwind]

From Monday night

MONOLOGUE some funny quips~

The first day of summer and also the longest day of the year, especially for the Celtics who had to suffer the long Lakers parade

"Toy Story 3", this time the toys try to renuite with the children in China who made them:lol:

New Nemo movie a sequel to BP "Try and find Nemo now"

Tony Hawards yacht is calld BOB. "British Oil Bastard":scream:

Where are those Somali priates when you need them

Now SouthWest Airlines charges a passenger for early boarding, Jay: "I wonder if they reimburse you if the flight is late"

Sarah Palin admitted to smoking pot, "but didn't like it" why is it that politicians who smoked pot always say that? Is that what John McCain was smoking when he picked her?

HEADLINES just a couple~

BP's motto: "If at first you don't succeed, try another half-assed scheme":alienblush:

Rabies clinic If you don't have a cat carrier, put you cat in a pillow case, it won't mind" Jay "YES IT WILL, it'll RRRRRW PSSST and scratch you eyes out"

Dakota Fanning was one guest, delightful, charming, adorable and sweet 16. She's a hugh Laker fan, loves Pal and Kobe, Jay gave her an autographed basketball, she was thrilled:thumbsup: She showed pics. of when she was little and played Tennis and Soccer, and then they showed a clip of her new movie "Eclipse"~

Crystal Bowersox was the musical guest and sang "What's Up", with a whole gang of singers backed by Rickey's band. She still sings great, but still has her rag-mop hair, and those two missing teeth:wtf: The "AI" goes on tour starting July 1st and I would have thought she'd have taken care of those things by now. She's so cute

 

[Coco Chanel]

This isn't exactly positive...But it's pertaining to Leno's show so I'm gonna take the risk and post it? apologies in advance and I'll leave my biases out of it.

I was reading an article online today which stated that, as of recent weeks, Jay Leno is officially the lowest rated and therefore least watched host of the Tonight Show ever. The good news is that it's only a few points of a percent! but nonetheless..

I won't post the original article because it's very Conan-positive with a few (hilarious) jabs at Leno's 10pm show

Just thought it was worth knowing, eh?

 

[Desertwind]

Hey ratings are all over the place and here's a site that say RATINGS HAVE SKYROCKETED since Jay took back his old time slot. Lets see if Conan can do this for as long as Jay has, and still fill nightclubs here [Agua Caliente] and in Las Vegas, which he does:bolian: He's got millions of faithful fans, and he's one of the most sweet, charming, delightful & FUNNY guy in the world~

LINK

 

[silentdisco]

LINK

I don't know if you noticed, but that article is from April. Here's one posted on June 17th: Letterman Ties Leno, As Jay Falls Well Below Conan’s "Tonight Show" Ratings Trend

a follow-up to the previous one (posted yesterday, June 24th): Leno’s "Tonight Show" Ratings Stay Below Conan’s; Will They Ever Top Them?

Jay Leno's ratings may have skyrocketed at first, but they do seem to be leveling out. While it is true that "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno almost always beats "The Late Show with David Letterman", viewing trends are what matter more to networks (in terms of business and ad revenue potential), and fewer people are watching Leno this year than Conan O'Brien last year.

 

[Desertwind]

That's fine, I will repeat my earlier post! Ratings come and go, don't they just like CSI? Jay still gets the fans, everyone I know watches him, and I haven't heard of or know anyone who watches Conan. I have two family members however that watch Letterman. Your either a Jay Leno fan or you aren't, and obviously I am, and will continue to always watch him. My bet is that Conan will die on the vine, sooner than later. Lets see if he can keep doing this for 18 some odd years. That's the test of time~

 

[Desertwind]

Jay's show from 6/25~

MONOLOGUE

We all knew it would happen, Gen. McChrystal cancelled his subscription to "Rolling Stone Magazine":lol:

He made one comment that was to be his demise, about the first meeting with Obama "It felt like a 10 minute photo opt" Biden upon hearing this, goes "WOW, you got 10 minutes, what was it like"

After that Justin Bieber was summoned to the White House about some comments he made about the president in "Tiger Beat":lol:

Mexico not only calling for the stopping of the Immigration bill, but to also stop calling "Taco Bell" Mexican food

A guy in Florida was run over by his own dog, who put his truck in neutral. At first it seemed like an accident, but upon furthur investigation , come to find out the dog was texting:wtf:

A big scuffle broke out between fans waiting in line for the new iPhone, and fans waiting in line to get tickets for the new movie "Twilight" major geek on geek violence:lol:

RIDICULOUS 911 CALLS

Woman calls: "There's a possum in the tree outside my window"
Dispatcher:: "Mam it'll go away"
Woman:: "What should I do, it's staring at us and it's scary"
Dispatcher:: "Mam, it'll go away"
Woman:: "OK"

Guy at car wash: "I put in $8 bucks and the water won't come on, I need somebody to come down here and fix this or give me back my $8 dollars" 10 minutes later. "Nobody has showed up so I'm leaving my car here, and going over to the McDonalds across the street till someone comes and fixes it, or gives me back my $8 bucks" [Moron}

Guest the fabulous Tom Cruise, it showed some clips of his famous movies~
He's so cute, so nice and as always Jay brought out the best in him, what a wonderful trait. The audience went nuts. He talked about his kids and when they watch some of his older films goe "gosh dad you were so young":It showed his dance number on the MTV Awards show with Jennifer Lopez. he's a good dancer and how his wife Katie Holmes was impressed with his dance moves. It then showed a clip of his new movie "Knight And Day" with Cameron Diaz~