JAY LENO

[Desertwind]

From Jay's Friday night show~ His monologue was so hilarious:lol:

One line, he goes "I was almost a hero today I saw a woman with her arms flailing, and almost falling down" So I went over to help her and realized it was Kate Goselin rehearsing for "DWTS":lol:

India, a guy who was 96 and started bungee jumping, His funeral is Tuesday

"Hugh Hefner is 84, he had 84 candles & an hip replacement":lol: His request a bed with rails~

BRAIN SCAN A fake scale to see what audience members are really thinking. Zeroing in on one guy he's thinking "Wow, Letterman looks different in person":lol:
Other guy "Boy these seats really suck"
And yet another one "Sure I cheated on my tax return, but who will know -Ha-Ha-Ha~:lol:

And one was thinking "I can't believe that a scalper charged a $100 bucks for these seats"

Then on his band leader Kevin Eubanks "I can't believe that guy paid $100 for those seats":guffaw:

Guest Julie Sardina from the San Diego Zoo, with furry critters~

A baby black bear who was only 9 weeks old and so darling. he took a liking to Jay and put his head underneath his jacket. He'll grow to 500 lbs. she said then Jay fed him a bottle, which he drank like a trooper~

A Wam-bat, strange little creature looke like a giant rat, and wandered around the studio~

Some turtles who were just swimming!

A Bearcat and he got on Jays head and messed up his hair, so funny~:guffaw:

 

[Desertwind]

Last nights monologue was so funny, a couple of lines from it~

"After Tiger Woods didn't win 1st place he said the F word, who does he think he is, the VP of the U.S."?

"AL Quada is going broke, those perminums for being a suicide bomber are way to high"~

Headlines!
"4 sale used sized 4x panties, they make great pillow cases"

"Police were called to a mans house, cause he thought he found a bullet hole in his garage, but on closer inspection, they decided it was a woodpecker, who was gone"?:lol:

"Woman called police becasue she saw a squirrel wealking around in circles"

Kevin Eubanks came out in the stars chair to announce he was 'leaving" He's been on the Tonight Show with Jay for 18 years, and said "it's time to move on" Wants to do other things, including more music and see family members more" I actually cried, I love him and his and Jay's banter always so funny, and their real life friends, and hugged I wish him all the best:bolian:

Russell Crowe was his guest and talked about his new movie "Robin Hood", and his two little boys 6 and 3-1/2 who he took to see it, and they asked after 5 minutes "can we go now" He'd just come from getting his Hollywood Star on the walk of fame. Very charming and likeable, and raved about his co-star Cate Blanchette, who plays Maid Marion in the flick. And his musical guest SADE, still sings great and is so smooth~

 

[Desertwind]

Parts of Jay monologue from Wed.~

On April 15 and taxes he asked "it is easier to go online and showed people beating up their computers":lol:

Eliot Spitzer spent $100,000 on hookers in two years "more bucks for the bang" geez:wtf:

Al-Qaeda is going broke the reson the CFO is Osama bin Bernake:lol:

Now airlines are charging $1.50 to use the bathroom and then the stewerdess is asking "Would you like a 44 oz. of coffee"

Tracy Morgan was one of his guests, and talked about Brooklyn and his growing up with Jay-Z, Jay goes "did you really know him" he goes "No" he lived across the street though. He was nominated for an Emmy, and he's funny~

 

[Desertwind]

Some tid-bits from his monlogue on April 16~

Al Qaeda, in financial trouble were were seen shopping at PayLess shoe stores :lol:

Volcanic ash from the volcano eruption, or here in .A. called "fresh air"

Kids today are so fat, I saw a kid putting butter on a Tootsie Roll~

So fat that now they have escalators going up to their tree houses~

Kate Goslin was his guest, what a ditz. Jay was cool and asked her how she thought she was doing on "DWTS", OMG, she actually thinks she doing good then she started her whinning again, she never talks about her kids, how cute they are, what they like, how their doing in school etc. always about her poor sad plight in life, and I couldn't stand it and deleted it~

 

[Desertwind]

Another great show, his opening monologue, some tid-bits~

'I sent my taxes to Russia and the adopted kid to the IRS'~

'Al Qaeda is running out of moolah'~

'All of Larry King's wife's are in the audience tonight, and rumor has it she has left him for a younger man, John McCain':lol:

HEADLINES
Fly attendants can refuse to fly is pilot is sucidal

For Colonoscopy:location matters~

Diapers:0-9 months. fits up to 250 lbs:lol:

Brooke Shields was his guest, she's still so beautiful. She fond her roots on the new show and always thought she was from an Italian background and found she had French roots that dated back to Louie 14 . Showed a clip of her new flick "Furry Creatures" look's funny~

 

[Desertwind]

A brief summary of last nights show:thumbsup:

Monologue~

A deer video taped running through a Rite-Aid and then a hotel and then a swimming pool. It was, of course different animals, but they way they simulated it, it looked like the same one.. funny:lol:

Leagalzing Marijuana, some think will lead to heavier drugs like Cocaine or Heroine, but really it will lead to Ben & Jerry's and McDonalds:lol:

Unemployment in California is now up to 12%, the only way to make money is to marry & divorce Larry King confused:

Jennifer Lopez was his guest, she showed pictures of her two yr. old twins. They both look exactly like Marc Anthony~ She is part owner of the Miami Dolphins. I can only take so much of her, so I deleted the rest of the guest spot~

 

[Desertwind]

From the new TV Guide, April 26-May 2~

TONIGHTS NEW MUSIC MAN

After 6 seasons, "American's Idol's", music director Rickey Minor is leaving the FOX hit and taking his band to "The Tonight Show", replacing Kevn Eubanks. "I wouldn't have left "Idol" without this great job opportunity", says Minor, who has worked on such shows as the Grammys and the Super Bowl. 'what musician wouldn't want to do "The Tonight Show"? It's an institution like apple pie. "I've been on the show so many times and Jay always made a point to say 'hello' to every band member, it's a very welcoming show", says Minor, who will still be consulting with "Idol" creator Simon Fuller, saying has "has a long list of ideas", including adding music to Leno's skits and having famous friends like Jennifer Husdon, Rascal Flatts and Alicia Keys sit in with his band. His new gig starts June 7~
Iileane Rudolph~ TV Guide writer~

 

[Desertwind]

Some tid-bits from last nights show~

Monologue~
SEC employees found looking at porno on their computers, & Goldman Sachs were screwing the whole country~

Obama and Biden flew on separate planes on Earth Day, due to security reasons, at least that's what Obama said I'd like to fly with you, but...:lol:

Immigraton law in Arizona means the rich people who live there, will now have to start watching their own children~

Headlines~
Larry King loses his glasses and starts flirting with a hat rack

Cops see crack in hemorhoid story..He was hiding crack cocaine in his "butt"

If your 100 lbs. overweight call your doctor, if you heart stops beating, call you doctor immediately:lol:

Drunk man calls 911 in the back of a squad car

Grads complaining that math tests are too hard, so now their passing them if you pass once or fail three times

Guys call police, cause' he saw two guys with baseball bats in their car. Cops stop them and they were on their way to play baseball

 

[Desertwind]

This from Wednesday's monologue, trying to catch up, and BTW it was Jay's 60th Birthday so Happy Birthday Jay a Taurus birthsign:bolian:Kevin Eubanks got him an iPad with some silly photos of him and Jay:alienblush:


"If your thinking of celebrating Cinco de Mayo in Arizona, you might want to think about a change in plans":lol:

"Goldman Sachs, just the sound of it "Gold/Sachs" like a bunch of thieves"

"Scientists think they've found Noah's ark on Mt. Ararat in Turkey. Of course it's Noahs' ark, who else's would it be "Larry's ark"?, and finally some closure for Noah's family":rommie:

Most stressful jobs~
5..Policer officer~
4..Surgeon~
3..Kate Gosselin's dance instructor:lol:
2..Arizona's Walmart Store Manager~
1..Muslim cartoons~

 

[Desertwind]

From Jay's Friday show~

Some funnies from his monologue:guffaw:

On the horrible oil slick down in Louisiana, he goes "it's the worst diaster since Bush was in New Orleans":thumbsup:

The L.A.Dodges are now in last place, even the Clippers are making fun of them

Immigration law is so bad, the police are asking people for their papers coming out of El Pollo Loco:scream:

Some ridiculous 911 calls 'dealing with the public'~

Guy calls 911 and goes "I was going 60 mph in a 30 mph zone, and a police care drove by and didn't evern care, he was on his freakin' cell phone" Jay goes: "what an idiot"

Woman calls 911 and says "I was upset, so I bought a couple of bottles of berr, to calm down" operator goes "What's the problem mamm"? she goes "I can't open the bottles, can you send someone over to open them"

Guy calls 911 and goes "This is an emergency, operator goes "what's the problem sir" he goes "I've got my penis stuck in a bottle" she goes "We'll send someone over" he goes "Can you send over Dr. F-U-C-H-S, he resovled a similar problem a few years ago" [what's going on with him?] talk about weird and bizarre

 

[Desertwind]

A few quips from last nights monologue:bolian:

The suspected bomber lived in Conn. what would have happend if he lived in Arizona?

How did he make it through security? A one way ticket to the Middle East he paid cash and reeked of fertilizer:scream:

He told neighbors he worked for Wall Street, what a relief when they found out he was just a terrorist

A 72 yr. old woman in Britain is in love with her 26 yr. old grandson and wants to become a surrogate mother so when the baby is born the it will be the grandsons grandfather. Their registered at "Bed Bath And Beyond Creepy:rommie:

Reille Hunter sources say that she lied to Oprah about her affair to John Edwards. Now you can lie to the police and to the court, but lying to Oprah, so un-American

There's a new thearpy for men to teach them how to be more caring and loving, we've had that for years, it's called BEER "Hey man I luv' ya'":lol:

Two guests I didn't care about were on so I deleted this after his monologue~

 

[Desertwind]

Last nights monologue, with Jay always so funny:lol:

New tactic, now the homeland security is making changes to the "no fly list", asking them to be on the honor system is not working"

This N.Y. City bomber was flying back and forth to Pakistan, even though he was on the "don't fly list" I think the gov. got this mixed up with the "don't ask, don't tell" list

Obama administration has over 5,000 warhead missles, some for China some for Russia, and the rest for FOX news:lol:

Oil spill so bad, their thnking they'll now have to drill for water

Thie volcano is destroying our air, the oil spill is destroying the ocean, Greece is destroying the ecomony, with all that Tiger Wood's is still out their winning golf tournments~

Lettuce is now being recalled, it's always the healthy stuff, when have you ever heard of them recalling Twinkies or Slim Jims:lol:

 

[CSI_Kat]

I was at the taping last week Wednesday when Kristen Stewart was on promoting the Runaways. It was really interesting being in the audience and seeing how it all comes together!

OMG, I'm so envious lucky you,:bolian: how was the whole show?, How exciting for you. Does Jay come out and talk to the audience first? How was it being in L.A. traffic wise? Congratulations to you. I did see Dakota Fanning on, talking about this movie~

The whole show was cool....parts were really funny. Jay does come out to speak with the crowd and explains the whole process and how it works. then he goes off stage and then after it starts he does shake hands with a few people that are sitting up in the front.

Traffic is pretty much a nightmare in LA but we managed to get around with little problems.

 

[Desertwind]

Thank's for sharing CSI_Kat:bolian:Here's a few tid-bits from last Thursday's show w/ Betty White as his guest~

MONOLOGUE

Is everybody looking for the finale of "Lost" but enought of Cleveland and the Cavilers, geez haven't seen one of their teams lose except the Brown's and the Indians

There hasn't been that much booing, since ABBA, was inducted into the "Hall Of Fame"

On the oil leak BP and others are all calling each other wrong and their all right, it makes it look like Goldman Sachs is responsible:lol: And now they want to pour garbage into the leak OH yeah, they haven't screwed it up enough, now lets fill it with garbage

A man in India claims he hasn't drank or eaten anything for 70 years he exists on breathing in the air, he came to L.A. and was dead in 3 days:rommie:

BETTY WHITE
Unbeliveable, she's 88 & sharp as a tack, plus charming, sweet, down to eath and sooo funny:lol: I showed clips of her long career and her timing on her dialogue is perfection what a delight she is. Jay congratulated her on her SNL gig, the biggest ratings since 1984. She said she didn't sleep for 3 weeks and her knees were shaking and was she did 14 skits and wig and costume changes and was grateful to the "cue card" guy who printed her lines in large letters. Jay goes "did Jay-Z get fresh"? She goes "Well I don't know about fresh, maybe desperate":lol: her next new endeavor a new sit-com series. She's pretty incredible. And she praises everyone she's so positive, something to be admired:bolian:

 

[Desertwind]

Jay last night:thumbsup:

Some tid-bits from his MONOLOGUE

Boycott in Arizona on the Lakers their doing so bad, theyre threating to deport them

Eric Holder has said he might sue Arizona for their new immigration law, although he admitted he hadn't read it. That didn't stop the Health Care Reform Care from passing nobody read that either

Top oil executive resigned ya' know how the news got out? It leaked

The oil slick might even go up the east coast past New Jersey, could they get any slimier

The gov. might now ask parking lot attendants, to look for terrorists, any car that seems suspicious, to reported it, unless their a good tipper, then were all screwed

Michael Douglas was his guest, he looks great, for 66, no lines what-so-ever on his face ah, the magic of laser. He's the image of his dad. He's making "Wall Street 2" and a new flick called "Solitary Man". He just got back from the Canne Film Festival. he said the French love movies. He also talked about his gorgeous wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, who got nominated for a Tony for her Broadway performance in "A Little Night Music" very charming guy~