JAY LENO

July 21~

MONOLOGUE

The streets of L.A area bit safer now that Lindsay Lohan is behing bars~

Becasue it's L.A. they didn't put her in handcuffs, just a herbal seaweed wrap:rolleyes:

Lindsay Lohan's dad's girlfriend just file a "domestic abuse" charge against him. This means they might be able to spend the day together at the prison picnic~

The economy is so bad that Mel Gibson is now calling his girlfriend collect.."pick up the phone you B....":scream:

Two guys boat capsized off the coast of Catalina, and they held on to a a "beer cooler" a guys version of "Titanic":lol:

Nobody's reading newspapers anymore, today I saw a guy sleeping ion a park bench with an iPad over his face:rolleyes:

Chelsea Clinton is getting married, the good news Hillary is planning the reception..the bad news, Bill the bachelor party~

Chelsea Handler was the guest, I think she's sleazy so didn't watch!

Jim Norton was at an invention convention. on item was a little speaker that one puts in a public bathroom that says "don't forget to wash you hands" and other wacky crap!
 
July 22~

MONOLOGUE

Lindsay Lohan still isn't getting it, in jail, when asked what she wanted for dinner she said "flaming flank steak"

This jail thing is not only hurting LL, but Columbian drug dealers as well. This is 1/3rd of their income:rolleyes:

Bob Doles B-day today he's 175, but still not the oldest living Repbulican that would still be John McCain:wtf:

Forbes magazine reported the highest paid sports figure #1 is Tiger Woods making $90 million, next 11 players the USC football team :confused:

Clevleand Browns Shawn Rogers has been hailed a hero for helping police subdue a drunk driver. Police say this is the 1st time a Brown defender has been able to stop anyone in years:wtf:

Shirley Sherrod was fired for making supposed racist remarks. She actually was telling a story and if you listen to the whole story on the tape one would realize that. Mel Gibson said "see you have to listen to the whole tape:rolleyes:

Police chased down a kid who was racing with his horse and buggy. His parents for punishment took away his butter churn:lol:

WANDA SYKES was his guest~
She was nominated for two Emmys. She talked about the show and the segment where they feature "those we've lost this year" She goes "this year it'll be those who went into rehab and jail"

She was stunned that they cancelled "The New Adventures Of Old Christine" sad and was surprised, and talked about how much fun it was.

She just got back from France where she vacationed, Jay asked her "if she spoke French"?, she goes "a little but I really get going after a few drinks. She's so funny~:guffaw:
 
Jay's monologue for Friday July 23rd~

The latest Gallup Poll says that only 11% don't approve of what Congress is doing. The other 89% is still waiting till Congress actually does something:confused:

What's the difference between the White House, and Donald Trump? when Donald says "your'e fired, he means it":eek:

Blue Cross has millions of dollars in their reserve, so when they raise your rates, it's not because of money, it's because their "mean bastards":klingon:

Lindsay Lohan in jail, and today her alcohol level was a .9 % so she's almost sober:rolleyes:

New Jersy announced the'r going to stop putting toilet paper in public restrooms. This is the worst thing to happen in Jersey, since "Jersey Shores":lol:

A study stated that "pear shaped" women have bad memories, unless you call them a "pear shaped" woman they'll never forget that:(

Some bad-ads from the 50's and 60's showing doctors and Santa smoking and advertising cigarettes:wtf:

And if you baby won't drink it's milk, mix it with 7-Up:(
 
Jay, July 26th~

MONOLOGUE

Joe Biden was talking about all the White House had accomplished so far, so the heavy lifting might be over, but the sholving is just beginning:lol:

iPhone said they only have the black one available, but the whilte one will be available next spring. The White House is calling for somone to be fired:confused:

BP claims that BP is not responsible for the oil leak, so I guess we all owe them a hugh apology, maybe they can blame it on Lindsay Lohan:eek:

They're giving Tony Haward [former BP CEO] $23 mill. upon his leaving. Why not just give him a hard-hat and a skimmer & he can keep all the oil:shifty:

He's rich, he's famous and he's hated, I think we just found the next replacement for Simon Cowell:rommie:

Levi Johnson says he wants to get his GED to become an ELECTRICIAN. People say if he gets either they'll be shocked:wtf:

Mick Jagger is 67, you know who jumped out of his B-day cake..Betty White:guffaw:

Everytime Mick thinks he's getting older, he just look's over at Keith Richards and goes "Hey, I'm not that bad":thumbsup:
 
Jay's monologue fro July 29th~

Because of the Arizoa imigration law alot of people are gone back to their homeland--Los Angeles:lol:

Obama was a guest on "The View", then later he went over to the Maury Povich show, he passed the "test" He was born in America.. now we can move one:rommie:

He like being on "The View", the ladies talked less than Joe Biden:eek:

Apparently it was leaked on another tape that Osama bin Laden has been seen in Pakistan attending meetings. They were Amway meetings he's trying to get a distributor~:rolleyes:

BP's ex CEO Tony Haward is still whinning about how "life isn't fair, you could step off a curb and get hit by a bus". "Too bad the driver of that bus wasn't a Louisiana shrimp boat owner":shifty:
 
Part of Jay's monologue from Friday July 30~

Obama said "things could be alot worse", well that's inspiring isn't it?

Guess it's better than saying "The end isn't that near":wtf:

The immigration patrol was taking a few immigrants back to the border, and then picked jup 200 in the Home Depot parking lot, so it was a clean sweep and a good day for the patrol~

Chelsea's wedding supposdly cost $3.5 million. Runor has it that Chelsea will be wearing Hillary's old wedding gown. Bill doesn't remember it, but he does remember the bridesmaids' dresses:rolleyes:

Seating was precarious, no CNN reporters sitting next to FOX reporters, and don't sit Al Gore next to a message thearpist:confused:

A guy in N.J. set his wooden leg on fire with his crack pipe. That's when you know your smoking too much crack:evil:

Some other comments that I don't care to post!
 
From Jay's August 2nd show
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Chelsea's weddig.. Hillary word a dress of course it was over a pantsuit, but she gave the couple a great gift..New Zealand:wtf:

Our national nightmare is over Lindsay Lohan is out of jail.. she was released at 1:35 am, she goes "great I can still make last call" she still isn't getting it:(

She went straight to rehab, she she wasn't allowed to go home first she might connect up with the wrong people..like her parents:lol:

People in New Jersey are sick of being asked about 'Jersey Shores", they'd rather go back to the original question "what's that smell":alienblush:

$8.7 billion of our money is mssing in Iraq, "I didn't know they had a Goldman Sachs over there":lol:

And Goldman Sachs will now not allow any of their employees to use obscene words that would include Integrity, trust, fairness~

Three murderers escaped from prison in Arizona. Officials said not to worry, they were all Americans:rolleyes:

A 16-yr. old girl is being called a hero. While on her cell phone she tackled a thief who was running away from a store. She held him down till mall security came. The amazing thing was while holding him down, she never stopped texting:guffaw:

On this day the govt. [in history] bought an airplane from the Wright Brothers for $39,000. You can still see that plane today and fly on it, it's called Southwest:rommie:
 
From Jay's Aug. 3rd show~

MONOLOGUE

The University of Georgia was named the #1 party school, to give an idea how much of a party school they're mascot is Lindsay Lohan~

Rumor has it that Brett Lavere [spelling] maybe not correct, is retiring, you know what that means, he's till going to play. He can spend more time with his great-great grandchildren:lol:

There were signs, like when he was in the huddle scratching his head going "why am I here":confused:

Sarah Palins' daughter and Levi have broken up, who cvould have seen that coming. If they can't make it what chance do the rest of us have? :rolleyes:

BP has a new A..hole I mean CEO~

The book we've all been waiting for, Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs, I hope he doesn't forget the "early years":lol:


There's a new ice cream for adults w/Vigara in it..that's a little creepy, dad chasing the ice cream man ..hey..hey wait:rolleyes:

BETTY WHITE[/] was his guest, she's almost 89, and still so sharp so delightful. she looked stunning wore a matching aqua outfit. She took some time off from her busy schedule--3 days in Carmel by the sea. she said she "get antsy" when she's not working unless she's got her animals around her. She's going next to Chicago, Chatanooga and Atlanta, then she'll be doing a Hallmark Movie. She's had 17 Emmy nominations, and said she "takes nothing for granted", and loves working, amazing. She's now got her own clothing line, sopme really cute T-shirts. It also showed a clip from days gone by with her and her mom. She looks just like her.. What a sweet charming lady~
 
From Jay's Aug. 6th show~

California has a new slogan "Go ahead & ask, we'll tell". A Judge shot down the Prop. 8 saying it was unconstitutional. Remember when we used to say "all the good ones are either gay or married. now their both"

Elena Kagan was sworn in as the new Supreme Court Justice, so she's got a job for life, just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer:lol:

Saddam's mistress of 35 years has written a book, it's called "Bagdaddy":rolleyes:

New Jersey has now for the time being closed down 3 libraries. The one place your safe from "Jersey Shores" & they closed them down:(

Ther town in Colorado the council closed down a little 7-yr. old girl's lemonade stand cause' she didn't pay the $128 vendor fee. So what does this teach her? Your told "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade", well she did and got shot down:confused:

They now have an add for "rent a goat", to cut you lawn grass in one day. Doesn't that sound like a Taliban dating service?
 
From August 9th~

Movie critics and movie goers alike are still trying to dicipher "what the hell was going on in "Inception", my comments.."what the hell was going on in "Inception" the most confusing, perplexing, befuddled movie ever":rolleyes:

The good news here in L.A. it's been in the 70's and 80's, the bad news was also Tiger Woods score, 18 below par, the last time he was trying that drive was out of his driveway:( So bad that Nike changed their title from "Just Do It", to "Just Get It Over With". So bad that Tiger called Charles Barkley for tips:confused:

Sarah Palin said she thinks that President Obama "is in over his head' well she would know:lol:

The post office lost $3.5 billion dollars last year seems it's the most successful enterprise we have~

The little girl who had to close her lemonade stand, for not being able to pay the fee, has now opened a more successful business, she's opened a "medical Marijuana dispensary~
 
From 8-10~


I guess "Jet Blue" has a new slogan "Screw all of you":lol:
There was more on this guy, but I'm sick to death of this story:rolleyes:

One funny comment, however was "This guy went so crazy, terrorists are now afraid to fly on "Jet Blue":rommie:

The New Orleans Saints visited the White House, well that's a switch visiting another disaster area. Reggie Bush was there, so it was like the old days. A mess in New Orleans, a weak economy and a Bush in the White House:lol:

They're running out of sperm donars in Britain at the Fertility Clinics. Finally a job Levi Johnson is qualified for:rolleyes:

Tiger Wood's is doing really bad. Some are blaming it on his swing, and others on his "swinging":(


A man in Barcelona, Spain. who had a face trasnplant made his first public appearance and took questions. The most asked question "Have I seen you before":lol:

Jaywalking.. Idiots.. Jay asked people on the steet about where famous monuments across the world were. Like "Old Faithful" woman goes "is that a dog"?:rolleyes: "Big Ben" Another moron "is that a bear", Where the Canals were. Panama.. uh, how about Venice. And "the city of brotherly love" man didn't know that either. Amazing that people go to school and just reading and have no idea where certain famous places are:eek:
 
From Friday night, August 13~

Happy Fri. the 13th- this is a bad luck day. I was walking down Hollywood Blvd. and accidently stepped on a crack-head..not good:(

Sly Stallone's new movie shows Sly dragging a guy out of the movie theater watching "Eat, Love & Pray". It's R rated which means RUN:confused:

If we pull out of Iraq, no one will be watching the borders, sound familiar? welcome to our world:(

Teenagers all over the world are finding it difficult to find a job. In China it's so bad 7-yr. olds are moving back in with their parents~

The economy is so bad, today I saw a sign on a Meth-lab "going out of business":wtf:

A guy at the .99 cent store asked if he could try something on first?:confused:

So bad the Obama's are thinking of taking a vacation rght here in America:confused:

So bad two straight guys applied for a 'gay' marriage license just to get the wedding gifts:alienblush:

And Glenn Beck said "get down on your knees and pray", I tired that, but he's still on the air:lol:

A woman in Florida was arrested in a drug store for shoplifting, she had condoms, KY jelly, dog food and a dog chain. She was on her way to the worst date ever:eek:
 
YEAH,:thumbsup: finally after two weeks of repeats.. he's back in full force. Rickey Minor and the band are doing a great job, and great music:bolian:

Monologue

The Emmys were on Sunday, and what a shame "Jersey Shores" shut out again.. I couldn't believe it":rolleyes:

Jimmy Fallon did a good job~

It then showed pre-posed photos of Jay's face in the audience kissing all the girl winners.. hilarious:lol:

Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, not because she finished, they just needed to make room for Paris Hilton:rolleyes: My comments. Why would anyone be driving at 11:35 at night on the Vegas strip, cops are crawling all over the place there. When the driver was drunk, [her boyfriend] and she had cocaine in her purse.? like go to the hotel room and do that stuff.. really stupid. She got arrested and said the cocaine "wasn't her's" Yeah OK. Got released at 3:45 am after posting a $2,000 bail:(

The economy is so bad that President Obama was seen playing golf on a public golf course:lol:

The Martin Luthur King, Jr. rally on the "I have a dream" speech
I have a dream, to, that both Glenn Beck and Al Sharpton will both go away:guffaw:

The Dodger owner divorce is really getting nasty, but one thing is certain, they won't have to fight over "World Series" tickets anymore:wtf:

Don Johnson and Cyndi Lauper were the guest, I passed on both of them~
 
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