DAVES TOP TEN
- Thread starter Desertwind
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Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS GEORGE W. BUSH IS DEPRESSED
10..Speaks wistfully of the days when his approval rating was 33%
9..Barely musters a smile when catching Dick Cheney torture detainees
8..Smug, arrogant smirk, replaced by smug, arrogant frown
7..Barely laughs anymore during "Happy Days" re-runs
6..Falls asleep during intelligence briefings..actually, he always did
5..He no longer pretends he quit drinking :lol:
4..Sits in the Oval Office, listening to Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide" over and over
3..When Rumsfeld left, he begged him to take him with him
2..At lunch with speaker Nancy Pelosi, he hardly touched his fish sticks
1..Asked Bubba if he still had the bicg chick's phone number
10..Speaks wistfully of the days when his approval rating was 33%
9..Barely musters a smile when catching Dick Cheney torture detainees
8..Smug, arrogant smirk, replaced by smug, arrogant frown
7..Barely laughs anymore during "Happy Days" re-runs
6..Falls asleep during intelligence briefings..actually, he always did
5..He no longer pretends he quit drinking :lol:
4..Sits in the Oval Office, listening to Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide" over and over
3..When Rumsfeld left, he begged him to take him with him
2..At lunch with speaker Nancy Pelosi, he hardly touched his fish sticks
1..Asked Bubba if he still had the bicg chick's phone number
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN PIECES OF FATHERLY ADVICE FROM GEORGE BUSH SR.
10..You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one
9..Do as I saying, not as I doing did
8..At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off of them
7..You can't go through life getting arrested and making an ass out of yourself..just kidding
6..Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up just like Al Gore
5..If you ever get in a jam, call my dad...it's always worked for me
4..Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says tou're a disgrace to this family..no, wait, that's what they said about me
3..Remember the motto of my predecesoor..it's only a crime if you get caught
2..Never use a fake ID to buy hooch..that's what the secret service guys are for :lol:
1..Keep up the good work son, at this rate someday you might be famous
10..You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one
9..Do as I saying, not as I doing did
8..At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off of them
7..You can't go through life getting arrested and making an ass out of yourself..just kidding
6..Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up just like Al Gore
5..If you ever get in a jam, call my dad...it's always worked for me
4..Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says tou're a disgrace to this family..no, wait, that's what they said about me
3..Remember the motto of my predecesoor..it's only a crime if you get caught
2..Never use a fake ID to buy hooch..that's what the secret service guys are for :lol:
1..Keep up the good work son, at this rate someday you might be famous
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN DR. PHIL WEIGHT LOSS TIPS
10..Stop eating, your fat load
9..Changing you life is difficult..changing the dial on your scale is not
8..Don't waste an hour of your life every day by sitting in front of the TV
7..Build your own self-esteem by making fun of people who are even fattter than you
6..Bully your staff into saying how skinny you look
5..Do what I did..borrow money from Oprah and get yourself a personal trainer
4..No hair equals less weight :lol:
3..Start a hobby.. like manufacturing you own psychology degree
2..Reslove to spend no more than $1,500 a week on food
1..Once you find your authentic self, haul it's ass in and get some liposuction
10..Stop eating, your fat load
9..Changing you life is difficult..changing the dial on your scale is not
8..Don't waste an hour of your life every day by sitting in front of the TV
7..Build your own self-esteem by making fun of people who are even fattter than you
6..Bully your staff into saying how skinny you look
5..Do what I did..borrow money from Oprah and get yourself a personal trainer
4..No hair equals less weight :lol:
3..Start a hobby.. like manufacturing you own psychology degree
2..Reslove to spend no more than $1,500 a week on food
1..Once you find your authentic self, haul it's ass in and get some liposuction
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM A GUY DRESSED AS SANTA
10..All I want for Christmas is a handful of "Vicodin"
9..Maybe this Christmas someone will give me a shirt I like
8..What do you want for Christmas...Ah, I really don't care
7..Feel my beard..it's 100% squirrel
6..My rabbi said I'm going to hell for wearng this :lol:
5..Ho..Ho..Ho pointing to 3 fat women
4..I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you sleeping :devil:
3..Enjoy the last Christmas beofre we get nuked by Iran
2..Hey, handsome meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes
1..For $100 bucks, I'll let you un-wrap me
10..All I want for Christmas is a handful of "Vicodin"
9..Maybe this Christmas someone will give me a shirt I like
8..What do you want for Christmas...Ah, I really don't care
7..Feel my beard..it's 100% squirrel
6..My rabbi said I'm going to hell for wearng this :lol:
5..Ho..Ho..Ho pointing to 3 fat women
4..I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you sleeping :devil:
3..Enjoy the last Christmas beofre we get nuked by Iran
2..Hey, handsome meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes
1..For $100 bucks, I'll let you un-wrap me
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN LEAST RENTED CHRISTMAS MOVIES
10..Twas' 243 Nights Before Christmas
9..Frosty, The Anatomically Correct Snowman
8..Duece Bistletoe.. Male Mistletoe
7..The Grinch Who Sold Christmas On eBay
6..The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Uninary Tract Infection
5..Yo Ho Ho! David Letterman's Rappin' Christmas
4..Discovery Channel Presents:: Elf Autopsy :lol:.
3..Lets See What Bing Crosby Looks Like Now
2..Tiny Tim::Big Where It Counts
1..Yenti :devil:
10..Twas' 243 Nights Before Christmas
9..Frosty, The Anatomically Correct Snowman
8..Duece Bistletoe.. Male Mistletoe
7..The Grinch Who Sold Christmas On eBay
6..The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Uninary Tract Infection
5..Yo Ho Ho! David Letterman's Rappin' Christmas
4..Discovery Channel Presents:: Elf Autopsy :lol:.
3..Lets See What Bing Crosby Looks Like Now
2..Tiny Tim::Big Where It Counts
1..Yenti :devil:
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE MACY'S DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA APPLICATION
10..Do you mind checking your gun at the door?
9..Have you ever been accused of hiding stolen goods in your beard?
8..Can you pretend to be jolly making $6.25 an hr.?
7..Would your cheek's be red without that Scotch?
6..Are you prepared to lie about our Playstation 3 availability?
5..Any Reindeeer allergies?
4..Can you disarm a kid who comes at you with a sharpened candy cane?
3..Will your lap support today's obese children?
2..Do you own urine-proof pants? :devil:
1..Are you a cop?
10..Do you mind checking your gun at the door?
9..Have you ever been accused of hiding stolen goods in your beard?
8..Can you pretend to be jolly making $6.25 an hr.?
7..Would your cheek's be red without that Scotch?
6..Are you prepared to lie about our Playstation 3 availability?
5..Any Reindeeer allergies?
4..Can you disarm a kid who comes at you with a sharpened candy cane?
3..Will your lap support today's obese children?
2..Do you own urine-proof pants? :devil:
1..Are you a cop?
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
10..Santa hired for party arrives handcuffed to his parole officer
9..Eggnog tastes like Gatorade mixed with White-Out
8..This year, it's your turn to be the pinata
7..Everyone's arrested for listening to illegally downloaded Bing Crosby CD
6..Instead of "The Night Before Christmas", the boss recites employeees personal e-mails :lol:
5..Party expenses are deducted from you 401K
4..It's held in August
3..The caterer..Chef-Boy-ar-dee
2..You boss insists on reading one of his lame top ten lists
1..Party consists of you, Bill Clinton, and a whole lot of mistletoe
10..Santa hired for party arrives handcuffed to his parole officer
9..Eggnog tastes like Gatorade mixed with White-Out
8..This year, it's your turn to be the pinata
7..Everyone's arrested for listening to illegally downloaded Bing Crosby CD
6..Instead of "The Night Before Christmas", the boss recites employeees personal e-mails :lol:
5..Party expenses are deducted from you 401K
4..It's held in August
3..The caterer..Chef-Boy-ar-dee
2..You boss insists on reading one of his lame top ten lists
1..Party consists of you, Bill Clinton, and a whole lot of mistletoe
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS CAROLS
10..Elmo roasting n an open fire
9..Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance with you
8..Every Christmas my uncle Louie throws up in the kitchen sink
7..I'm addicted to nasal decongestant
6..On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order
5..May we see Richards Simmons, bite Santa's arm..again
4..A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably 'cause we're all so full of Gin
3..Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents that your gay
2..Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison
1..Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more :devil:
10..Elmo roasting n an open fire
9..Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance with you
8..Every Christmas my uncle Louie throws up in the kitchen sink
7..I'm addicted to nasal decongestant
6..On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order
5..May we see Richards Simmons, bite Santa's arm..again
4..A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably 'cause we're all so full of Gin
3..Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents that your gay
2..Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison
1..Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more :devil:
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY
10..Brand of champagne..Dom Deluise
9..At mighnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8..You wake up the next morning wearing a medalliion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that says "I'll call you"
7..You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom :devil:
6..Jocelyn Elders is there, trying to get drunk
5..It's 11 o' clock, and you're watching Roger Ebert playing Twister
4..Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea
3..The so-called "Party Hats" are really all of Letterman's old hair pieces
2..Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American Bandstand"
1..It's all over at 10:00
10..Brand of champagne..Dom Deluise
9..At mighnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8..You wake up the next morning wearing a medalliion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that says "I'll call you"
7..You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom :devil:
6..Jocelyn Elders is there, trying to get drunk
5..It's 11 o' clock, and you're watching Roger Ebert playing Twister
4..Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea
3..The so-called "Party Hats" are really all of Letterman's old hair pieces
2..Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American Bandstand"
1..It's all over at 10:00
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A LAME NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY
10..To give a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
9.."Party hats" look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
8.."Ball drop" at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does, when he's loaded :lol:
7.."Champagne really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer
6..You notice a "Happy 1999" tag on the package of shrimp you've been eating all night
5..The host kicks everyone out at 11:58 so he can go to bed
3..The Amish can do many things well, but throwing a NYE party ain't one of them
2..It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave
1..It's held in March
10..To give a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
9.."Party hats" look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
8.."Ball drop" at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does, when he's loaded :lol:
7.."Champagne really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer
6..You notice a "Happy 1999" tag on the package of shrimp you've been eating all night
5..The host kicks everyone out at 11:58 so he can go to bed
3..The Amish can do many things well, but throwing a NYE party ain't one of them
2..It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave
1..It's held in March
Letterman's first Top 10 after return
Striking television writers delivered David Letterman's Top 10 list, "Demands of the Striking Writers," on his show Wednesday:
10. "Complimentary tote bag with next insulting contract offer" -- Tim Carvell, from "The Daily Show."
9. "No rollbacks in health benefits, so I can treat the hypothermia I caught on the picket lines" -- Laura Krafft, from "The Colbert Report."
8. "Full salary and benefits for my imaginary writing partner, Lester" -- Melissa Salmons, writer for daytime TV.
7. "Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP stands for" -- Warren Leight, writer for "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."
6. "No disciplinary action taken against any writer caught having inappropriate relationship with a copier" -- Jay Katsir, from "The Colbert Report."
5. "I'd like a date with a woman" -- Steve Bodow, from "The Daily Show."
4. "Hazard pay for breaking up fights on `The View'" -- from writer and director Nora Ephron.
3. "I'm no accountant, but instead of us getting 4 cents for a $20 DVD, how about we get $20 for a 4-cent DVD?" -- Gina Johnfrido of "Law & Order."
2. "I don't have a joke. I just want to remind everyone that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for this lame list" -- Chris Albers from Conan O'Brien's "Late Night."
1. "Producers must immediately remove their heads from their -----" -- author Alan Zwiebel.
Striking television writers delivered David Letterman's Top 10 list, "Demands of the Striking Writers," on his show Wednesday:
10. "Complimentary tote bag with next insulting contract offer" -- Tim Carvell, from "The Daily Show."
9. "No rollbacks in health benefits, so I can treat the hypothermia I caught on the picket lines" -- Laura Krafft, from "The Colbert Report."
8. "Full salary and benefits for my imaginary writing partner, Lester" -- Melissa Salmons, writer for daytime TV.
7. "Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP stands for" -- Warren Leight, writer for "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."
6. "No disciplinary action taken against any writer caught having inappropriate relationship with a copier" -- Jay Katsir, from "The Colbert Report."
5. "I'd like a date with a woman" -- Steve Bodow, from "The Daily Show."
4. "Hazard pay for breaking up fights on `The View'" -- from writer and director Nora Ephron.
3. "I'm no accountant, but instead of us getting 4 cents for a $20 DVD, how about we get $20 for a 4-cent DVD?" -- Gina Johnfrido of "Law & Order."
2. "I don't have a joke. I just want to remind everyone that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for this lame list" -- Chris Albers from Conan O'Brien's "Late Night."
1. "Producers must immediately remove their heads from their -----" -- author Alan Zwiebel.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
HILARIOUS I saw the beginning with his grey beard and now he look's 10 years older then he is, and his comment about why the writers really went on strike, they were sick of having 'no pencils' or something to that effect! but then turned over to Leno, who's also back on
I saw the beginning with his grey beard and now he look's 10 years older then he is, and his comment about why the writers really went on strike, they were sick of having 'no pencils' or something to that effect! but then turned over to Leno, who's also back on
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IS IN TROUBLE
10..When asked about what you'd do about Iraq, you say "Do I Rock"? :lol:
9..You're often described as "John Kerry without the charisma"
8..Many of your supporters have been hospitilized because you ordered your campaign buttons from China
7..You've been running negative ads about yourself
6..Only endorsement you;ve received is from "Burrito Affcionado"
5..When reporting caucus results, media refers to you as "other"
4.."Meet The Press" appearance turns ugly when you put Tim Russert in a headlock
3..Budget director blew most of your camapign funds betting on the KNICKS
2..You've primiarily been campaigning in Canada
1..You often ask, "What would George W. Bush do"
10..When asked about what you'd do about Iraq, you say "Do I Rock"? :lol:
9..You're often described as "John Kerry without the charisma"
8..Many of your supporters have been hospitilized because you ordered your campaign buttons from China
7..You've been running negative ads about yourself
6..Only endorsement you;ve received is from "Burrito Affcionado"
5..When reporting caucus results, media refers to you as "other"
4.."Meet The Press" appearance turns ugly when you put Tim Russert in a headlock
3..Budget director blew most of your camapign funds betting on the KNICKS
2..You've primiarily been campaigning in Canada
1..You often ask, "What would George W. Bush do"
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