DAVES TOP TEN

Oh I love no. 9. and oh 2 is just hilarious... :lol:

 

TOP TEN ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS, "HOW COLD IS IT?"

10..It's so cold, Donald Trump's hair was shivering and rubbing it's paws together

9..It's so cold, here in New York City, there are more polar bears than rats

8..It's so cold, Democrats are calling for an end to our dependence on foreign cocoa

7..It's so cold, ABC is debuting a new reality series, "Defrosting With The Stars"

6..It's so cold, Matthew McConaughey actually put on a shirt

5..No #5..writer suffering from hypothermia

4..It's so cold, Mitty Rommey changed his name to Mitten

3..It's so cold, Apple just introduced iScarf :lol:

2..It's so cold Barack Obama is campaigning in Puerto Vallarta

1.It's so cold, Roger Clemens is injecting hot soup in his ass

 

TOP TEN SINGS YOUR FILM IS NOT GOING TO WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD

10..It's 90 minutes of credits

9..Plot involves Matthew McConaughey's death-defying quest to find a shirt

8..It was directed by Stephen Spielbaum

7..Awkward 20-minute part where actor can't stop hicupping

6..To save money on special effects, film's monsters are stunt guys in green ping-pong ball covered leotards

5..During movie, you hear the sound guy grumble "Oh, come on"

4..No #4..writer still stuck on JetBlue flight..still a reference people


3..Only honor it recieved was "Most Graphic Depiction of Hot Raccoon Sex"

2..There's never been a Best Picture with the title "Hottie" or Nottie"

1..It was rated H.C.T.S. for "Holy Crap, This Sucks" :lol:

 

TOP TEN REASONS FIDEL CASTRO IS RETIRING

10..He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vasquez on "General Hosptal"

9..Achieved his goal of getting Cuba's unemployment rate under 83%

8..Wants to spend more time interrogating his family :devil:

7..Just got S/5 of "Gilmore Girls"

6..Caught injecting human growth hormones into his wife, Debbie Castro

5..Too many tacos

4..He was adopted by Angelina Jolie..honestly, how crazy would that be?

3..Always promised himself he'd quit torturing when it stopped being fun

2..Jane Fonda called him a blank-blank

1..49 years at the same job, who am I Letterman? :lol:

 

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS

10..I'm pretty sure Jack Nicholson is asleep under those sunglasses

9..Anther refill..Mr. Busey

8..The award for sound mixing..finally

7..Somebody tell Michael Moore the buffet is for after the show

6..Only 4 more hours, man this thing is flying by

5..Damn, I have "The Hottie and the Nottie" Academy Awards pool

4..Eddie Brill says there's too many foreigners in the audience

3..No #3..writer is still watching!

2..No, Mr. Fonda it's "No Country For Old Men" :lol:

1..Why can't more Academy Awards have stippers?

 

TOP TEN RALPH NADER CAMPAIGN PROMISES he's a fool!

10..Fund universal health care by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes

9..Give the presidency a rumpled, Walter Matthau qualtity

8..The freezing over of Hell should solve our global warming crisis

7..Get those people off that island in "Lost"

6..Send Gary Busey in to annoy and confuse our enemies

5..Can fill out a pantsuit better than Hillary :lol:

4..Will hover in polls between 1% and "Statistically Insignificant"

3..Force Starbucks to indentify their sizes as 'Small" "Medium" and "Large"..am I right people?

2..Will not sleep with lobbyists, or for that matter anyone else

1..Get Bush re-elected like in 2000

 

TOP TEN MARTHA STEWART AND EMERIL LAGASSE DINNER PARTY TIPS

10..Now thank's to Dominos 2 pzza deal.. I can host a full blown dinner for $14 bucks

9..Run out of cream? in a pinch you can substitute Martha's white-semi-gloss paint:rommie:

8..Before cooking, be sure to lick the poultry to make sure it doesn't taste "Salmonella-y":borg:

7..Keep Regis away from the cooking Sherry:lol:

6..BAM! sorry, I always wanted to do that:scream:

5..An apron is a great substitute for pants:alienblush:

4..For plump and juicy meat just inject that stuff Roger Clemens uses

3..Wait till the dishes have been cleared to tell the guests.. your just ate a monkey:guffaw:

2..Never let Jane Fonda make a toast:evil:

1..Whatever you do, don't invite Letterman

 

TOP TEN ELIOT SPITZER EXCUSES

10..Oh, come on like you've never been involved in a prostitution ring:scream:

9..Hookers are fun:thumbsup:

8..Just trying to help the economy

7..Have you ever been to Albany?

6..It's part of my new MTV prank show "Spitz'd":evil:

5..Haven't been myself since Toy Schieder died

4..Uh, tainted beef

3..Whether it's a hooker, or your wife, you're always paying for it.. am I right people?:borg:

2..wanted to be known as the Charlie Sheen of politics:wtf:

1..I thought Bill Clinton legalized it years ago

TOP TEN SURPRISES DURING ELIOT SPITZER'S RESIGNATION

10..Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z's 'Big Pimpin":rommie:

9..Opening line "Are you a Cop?:alienblush:

8..Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone

7..Reaffirmed the policy of "Bros before Hos":evil:

6..His decision to wear pants:lol:

5..Admitted he once made out with former Gov. Pataki:cardie:

4..Credited to his downfall to the lifestyle of Albany:lol:

3..He was kinda of pitchy, dawg:scream:

2..Said he thought the Emperor's club was a Chinese restuarant:vulcan:

1..When reporters asked how much he paid for an hour, his wife said "trust me he doesn't need an hour":wtf:

 

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE NEW YORK CITY ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE

10..Is that green beer or New York City tap water?:scream:

9..50,000 people..200,000 beers..1 toilet:borg:

8..Put your shirt on Mr. McGreevey, this isn't the Gay Pride Parade:rommie:

7..When are they going to clean up the garbage from new years Eve?:lol:

6..Some guy just tried to sell me a bag of primo Mexican 'four leaf clover'

5..Larry!!!!:wtf:

4..Wanna grab a beer at O'sama's?:klingon:

3..No #3..writer drinking beer:evil:

2..Letterman's wearing his green hairpiece

1..That's not a Leprechaun, it's Mayor Bloomberg:guffaw:

 

Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of 'Battlestar Galactica'

10. Chief Petty Officer Tyrol (Aaron Douglas): In the dramatic season opening episode, we save 15% by switching our insurance to Geico.

9. D'Anna Biers (Lucy Lawless): You'll find out what's in the hatch and who gets off the island - *****, wrong show.

8. Dr. Baltar (James Callis): My character creates his own line of "honey roasted space nuts."

7. Lieutenant Sharon Valerii (Grace Park): What else are you going to do, read a book?

6. Number Six (Tricia Helfer): There's a good chance you'll see me naked.

5. Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan): There's a good chance you'll see me naked. :lol:

4. Captain Lee Adama (Jamie Bamber): New FTL drives will allow the colonial fleet to better adjust to gravitational variations and achieve maximum superluminal travel to outrun the pursuing cylon basestars - I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

3. Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff): We engage in a life-and-death battle against evil robots.you know, same **** as last year.

2. President Laura Roslin (Mary McDonnell): I take on the most challenging task of my political career - doing a lame top ten list on a third-rate talk show. :thumbsup:

1. Admiral William Adama (Edward James Olmos): Watch me lead us into war against the Cylons without an exit strategy.

 

Good ones Lucy:thumbsup:

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR DR. SEUSS BOOKS

10..Green Eggs and E.Coli:borg:

9..Osama's In Pajamas:lol:

8..How The Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilla Back At Gunpoint:rommie:

7..One Stae, Two State, Red State, Blue State

6..The Hump Known As Trump:vulcan:

5..If I Ran The Knicks :scream:

4..The Cat in The Hat That Fell In The Applebee's Deep Fryer

3..On The Places You Won't Go Because Of Tougher Immigration Laws

2..Horton Hayes A Who Via Illegal Government Wiretap:lol:

1..Hop On Spitzer:alienblush:

 

TOP TEN SIGNS THE GOVERNMENT IS SPYING ON YOU

10..You turn on the shower and see a live feed of your shower:rommie:

9..While you're ordering pizza, a mysterious voice on the phone tells you to forget the mushrooms:evil:


8..There's been an ice cream truck parked in front of your house for 9 months

7..Your dog has an antenna:lol:

6..You came home early and found an agent dusting your wife for prints:alienblush:

5..Your cat has an antenna:borg:

4..After eating a falafel, your name is added to the "No Fly List":scream:

3..CIA director calls and says "Judging by these survelliance photos, you should go to a doctor and have that thing on your ass looked at":klingon:

2.. Drudge report reports news about your breakfast

1..During his State of the Union address. Pres. suggests you ask your doctor about Levitra:vulcan:

 

TOP TEN U.S. AIRWAYS EXCUSES

10..Thought it would be fun to shoot empty liquor bottles:vulcan:

9..Air traffic controller's "Clear To Land" misheard as "Squeeze off a round":lol:

8..Media never reports when plane takes off and pilot's gun doesn't go off

7..Pilot thought he saw one of them "'Cloverfield Godzillas".. buy Cloverfield on DVD April 22nd:bolian:

6..Oh, like you've never fired a weapon on board a passenger plane before

5..Don't worry--the parole officer was in the cockpit:devil:

4..This is what happens when you let Dick Cheney fly a plane--did you see that one coming folks":lol:

3..If you didn't want gunplay, maybe you should have flown United

2..Chillax, bro:evil::evil:

1..Pilot distraught after picking Duke to win it all:rommie:

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR MONKEY IS TOO FAT

10..Tried to swing from a vine and brought the whole tree down

9..Only eats bannanas smothered in nacho cheese and butter:drool:

8..When wearing a baseball cap, is mistaken for Michael Moore:borg:

7..He knows 26 words, all of them Baskin-Robbins flavors:bolian:

6..Last Halloween, put on a pair of earrings and went as Kristie Alley

5..Kids been yelling.."There's a hippo in the monkey house":rommie:

4..Can no longer get around to solve crimes with his obbessive compulsive behavior..sorry that'a a sign 'Monk" is too fat..

3..At department stores, has to shop in the Husky Monkey dept.

2..He's used as the 'before' pictures in the monkey diet pills ad:alienblush:

1..Bill Clinton just hit that

 

TOP TEN SINGS NEW YORKERS ARE GETTING TOO FAT

10..Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one

9..The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake:thumbsup:

8..Drivers license now is bigger to show all double chins:lol:

7..Broadway's Shubert Alley is now renamed Kirstie Alley:evil:

6..Robotic voce in the subway says "keep clear of the doorway, lardass:wtf:

5..97% of all ATM's passwords are "fudge" or "Bacon":drool:

4..Thousands of 'potholes' are actually footprints:guffaw:

3..People are becoming Yankee fans just to wear the thinning pinstripes:rommie:

2.. Most populare store 'Gap for Tubbie Dudes"

1..New Yorkers are now winded by just giving the finger:vulcan: