DAVES TOP TEN

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE EATING PEANUT BUTTER

If I die, will I stick to the roof of the coffin?

9..Do I really want thre word "chunky" in my obituary? :lol:

8..How can I get samonella, when I didn't even eat salmon?

7..Is this what killed the mummified guy in Long Island?

6..Should I just stick with tainted spinach?

5..No #5..sick with tainted peanut butter

4..What would Britney do?

3..Does Smuckers make an antibotic jelly?

2..What will my kids think, knowing their father was killed by Peter Pan

1..How can I blame JetBlue for this one?

 

Every night on the David Letterman late night talk show- his writers compile a list of the "top ten" mostly topical on news events of the day- some just plain silly- but usally all funny- so here goes

Top Ten Ways To Cheeer Up Saddam Hussein

10--Let him oppress just one Kurd a few hours a week

9--Suprise him with a year's supply of mustache dye

8--Bring him his old "World's Greatest Dictator" mug

7--Laugh at his impression of Syrian President

6--Give him a collection of hilarious "Yo mullah's songs"

5--Remind him his on permitted phone call saved him 15% on his car insurance

4--Membershsip in the "Falafel of the Month Club"

3--Let him watch "Two And A Half Men"

2--Package of new underwear

1--Three words-Los Angeles Jury

 

Those are great!!!

 

Damn, that #1 made me laugh. Putting him in front of an LA jury would have him dancing around in his new underwear, the bastard.

 

TOP TEN WAYS TO CHEER UP GEORGE W. BUSH

10--Fully loaded Tex-Mex fixins' at every cabinet meeting

9--Use wacky sound effects for weekly radio address

8--Replace Oval office bust of Teddy Roosvelt with bust of Kenny Rogers

7--Keep reminding him, "Dukes Of Hzzard" is out on DVD

6--Talk to him about things he holds dear-Health-family & shady Halliburton Contracts

5--Speech writers sprinkle occasional "you might be a red-neck" jokes

4--2 words- free gum

3--Get Air Force One pimped

2--Suprise him with invasion plans for every country on earth

1--Remind him-in a few years, Iraq will be Hillary's mess

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE KID IS WORKING WITH AL QAEDA

10--Greets you everyday with "Good Morning" infidel

9--Spent all day at the mall looking for turbans

8--His paper route includes the mountanous Tora Bora region

7--Keeps mocking you for only having one wife

6--Blind Shiek always coming over to play Grand Theft Auto on his X-Box

5--You're getting gas for 12 cents a gallon

4--Says he's saving his allowance for a camel

3--Find yourself saying "No Al-Jazeer" till your finish your homework

2--Bedroom wall covered with posters of Osama

1--At dinner-he angrily declares -death to meatloaf

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

10--Fluffy white beard is heavily soiled with "chaw" stain

9--Lectures each child on the wonders of "Scientology"

8--The elves have a difibrillator in the wings

7--Tries to snort fake snow

6--The suit is orange & reads "Auburn Correctional Facility"

5--Every nite he fills his bag with iPods

4--Instead of saying Ho-Ho-Ho- he keeps mumbling something about Jihad

3--Tells every kid who climbs on his lap "careful of Santa's flask"

2--Because of earlier incident-can't go within 50 feet of Victoria Secret salesgirl

1--Points out what kid he thinks will be gay

 

^Hahaha that one is brilliant. Usually Dave's top ten lists features one or two funny things but all of them managed to make me laugh. That's gold!

 

TOP TEN DUMB GUY TIPS FOR AVOIDING THE BIRD FLU

10--Before eating chicken-soak it in Lysol

9--Don't lick un-familiar pigeons

8--Frighten birds by constantly meowing

7--Stay away from basketball great Larry Bird

6--Anti-bacterial smoothies

5--Move to a place where there are no birds

4-Avoid birds that look like their up to something

3--Go down in the basement and start drinking

2--Fill bird feeder with Sucrets

1--If you have chicken-check it for swollen McNuggets

 

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR THE "GAY" DETECTIVE SHOW

10--CSI-Fire Island

9--Starsky & Butch

8--The Touchables

7--Minelli Vics

6--Manhunt

5--Mike's Hammer

4--Jake & the Fat Gay Man

3--Misson Impossibly Fabulous

2--Cagney Loves Lacy

1--Studio 54-Where are you

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE TOO FAT

10--Your belt size is 32-but you wear 3 of them

9--Everytime you leave the house-people of Tokyo are alerted

8--You butter your margarine

7-Co-workers often ask if you were created by George Lucas

6-You are the actual "Momma from "Yo Momman's So Fat" jokes

5--Word you say the most is "McGriddle"

4--NASA hopes to land on you by 2018

3--Everytime there's a problem you think "what would Emerile do"

2--When feeling down-friends remind you to keep your chins up

1--You ask your wife to come to bed dressed like Sara Lee

 

TOP TEN NEW PRESIDENT BUSH'S STRATEGIES FOR VICTORY IN IRAQ

10--Make an even larger "Mission Accomplished" sign

9--Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave & Oprah did

8--Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge

7--Launch slogan "It's not Iraq, it's Weraq"

6--Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama

5--More vacation time on his ranch-to clear his head

4--Pack on a quick 30 lbs. and trade places with Jeb

3--What!!! you mean it ain't going well

2--Boost morale by doing his "locked door" routine/gag

1--Place Saddam back in power & tell him--it's your problem again 'DUDE"

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AIRPLANE IS ABOUT TO GO BANKRUPT

10--When boarding-gate attendant asks "your sure about this"?

9--200 passengers-1 bag of peanuts

8--Instead of a pillow-you're told to rest your head on the guy next to you

7--You notice your landing is being covered on the local news

6--Flight delayed until attendants finish shredding important financial records

5--Complimentary head sets are $50 bucks

4-Naviagator uses the 1983 Hammond Road Atlas

3--Provides daily non-stop service from gate 54 to gate 53

2--Instead of movie-you watch video of co-pilot doing it

1--Pilots ask to borrow money for cocktails

 

This is in reference to the new cowboy movie "Brokeback Mtn"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A GAY COWBOY

10-Your saddle is Versace

9-Instead of "Home On The Range" you sing "It's Raining Men"

8-You enjoy ridin'-ropin' & redecoratin'

7-You sold your livestock to buy tickets to "Mamma Mia"

6-After watching reruns of "Gunsmoke" you have to take a cold shower

5-Native Americans refer to you as "Dances With Men"

4-You've been lassoed more tmes than most steers

3-You're wearing chaps-yet your "ranch" is in Chelsea

2-Instead of a saloon-your prefer "salon"

1-You love riding-but don't have a horse

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: