DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS OSAMA BIN LADEN IS ALIVE AND WELL :mad:

10..FBI has indicted him for funding an illegal goatfighting operation :rolleyes:

9..On recent Al Qaeda audiotape, he says some kind words about Merv Griffin :(

8..The new US Weekly has photos of him in a hot tub with Britney :lol:

7..The congratulatory phone call to Barry Bonds :cool:

6..He's booked with Regis and Susan Lucci at Foxwoods Resort & Casino :rolleyes:

5..His MySpace page was updated this morning :eek:

4.Starring in a new series about a bunch of misfits who try and rob Ayman Al-Zawahini :devil:

3..Al Jazeera reports he's endorsing Mitt Romney :confused:

2..Afghanistan moviegoers report a 7-foot guy laughing his nuts off at "Superbad" :D

1..Seen house hunting in L.A. with Posh Bin Laden :cool:
 
TOP TEN SENIOR CITIZENS PICK-UP LINES

10..Wanna swap teeth? :(

9..Are you a model, or were you one during the Truman Administration? :lol:

8..Ever done it in a Craftmantic adjustable bed? :eek:

7..What's a nice girl like you doing in...wait, where are we? :eek:

6..Much like high sodium foods, you send my blood pressure skyrocketing :p

5..Excuse me while I slip into something more orthopedic :D

4..How'd you like to be in my will? :confused:

3..Wanna see my cane? :rolleyes:

2..My arteries aren't the iny things that have hardened :eek:

1..HI, I'm David Letterman :lol: :lol:
 
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT MARRYING INTO THE BUSH FAMILY

10..Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon :D

9..You'll inherit President Bush's extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilla :eek:

8..It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar :cool:

7..Might see Cheney shoot an old guy..still a reference, folks :confused:

6..Learning from grandma Bush how to spit chaw :rolleyes:

5..Every Wednesday is Taco night :p

4..What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick :lol:

3..If half the family hates you, you still have a better approval that George Bush :D

2..W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in your bathroom :mad:

1..Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family :lol:
 
TOP TEN REASONS ALBERTO GONZALES RESIGNED

10..Felt he wasn't imcompetent enough for the Bush administration :mad:

9..Secretly ordered himself fired :D

8..Was offered the John Travolta role in the touring production of "HAIRSPRAY" :eek:

7..Trying his hand at failing miserably in the private sector :D

6..Didn't want to be around for the transition to the Kucinich administration :rolleyes:

5..Instead of terrorism, trying to keep Lindsay, Paris, and Britney off the streets :lol:

4..Got a sweet new job offer at Kinko's :D

3..Letterman has a guy making sand sculptures of Biff Henderson :confused:

2..Ran out of laws to circumvent :cool:

1..Why not go out on top? :(
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS HIDING OSAMA BIN LADEN

10..He's turned the backyard jungle gym into Taliban training camp :mad:

9..You call over there and someone answers "Death to America...oh, I mean "Hello" :eek:

8..There's a large "No Infidels" sign on the front porch :mad:

7..In his latest video, behind Osama is you mowing the lawn :D

6..Neighborhood suddenly reeeks of figs and goats :lol:

5..Just had delivered issue of Peoples "25 Sexiest Mullahs" :rolleyes:

4..Got invited to summer block party..this years theme.."Sun, Fun and Jihad" :devil:

3..Mail box now reads "Rutherford/Bin Laden"

2..Car in the driveway has a hilarious "Martydom or Bust" bumper sticker :(

1..Last Sunday Kim Jong 11 dropped by for brunch :confused:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN THE WRONG COLLEGE

10..Brochures read "As Advertised on Maury" :D

9..You school is in Pennsylvania, your dorm is in Oklahoma :confused:

8..Cafeteria meals contain tainted Chinese dog food :mad:

7..Popular fraternity is ""Sigma Alpha Danza" :lol:

6..Only paper a professor published was a letter in "Penthouse" :eek:

5..School's motto is "Truth, Scholarship & Pudding :confused:

4.."Homework" always seems to involve sweing running shoes in a sweatshop :rolleyes:

3..Tuition can be paid in Camel Cash :confused:

2..Most famous alum? David Letterman :devil:

1..Roommate keeps telling you how much nicer it is than the joint :lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GOT A BAD JOB

10..Some people chare an office, you share a chair :(

9..Each day have to find a new way of saying "29% is a wonderful approval rating, Mr. President :confused:

8..You're in charge of licking Chinese toys to check for lead paint :eek:

7..The name on your uniform is "Devil Rays" :rolleyes:

6..At least once a day, you get kicked in the butt by a goat :eek:

5..You get paid in gum :(

4..You're Michael Vick's dog walker...boy this Vick story is getting stranger and stranger :confused:

3..Question you're most often asked "You still work here"? :D

2..Office policy states you must wear a tie..but no pants :eek:

1..Your boss insists on keeping the office incredibly cold :confused:
 
TOP TEN NEW YOUR CITY CABDRIVER DEMANDS

10..Increase legroom by removing brake pedal :eek:

9..Option to overcharge foreigners :cool:

8..Wi-Fi-turbans :confused:

7..If a passenger finds any food in the back seat, driver gets half :rolleyes:

6..Satellite radio so we can listen to Arabic shock jock Mahmoud Stern :D

5..Beaded seats upgraded to even beadier :mad:

4..Better selection of DVD's to watch while driving :lol:

3..Finally make mirrors in which objects are not closer than they appear..are we living in the stone age, people? :eek:

2..Bonus, if we go a whole week without ramming into a Starbucks :lol:

1..No pants, no problem :confused:
 
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED WORKING AT THE LATE SHOW

10..It's more fun to watch TV than work in TV :rolleyes:

9..All the Late Show merchandise is made with toxic lead paint :D

8..Nothing

7..Getting your own show has very little to do with talent :lol:

6..When Regis calls, Dave's in a meeting :D

5..I've worked her for 15 years and Dave still thinks my name is Brenda [it's Joan] :eek:

4..Martini's before the show, makes everyone ditzy :cool:

3..For a man who just turned 60, dave is surprisingly senile :(

2..It helps to have a high tolerance for bull**** :lol:

1..Dave's hair...the plugs I mean :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN BRITNEY SPEARS EXCUSES

10..You try and perform after 8 Margaritas :eek:

9..I haven't been myself since Phil Rizzuto died :(

8..Too much soup :confused:

7..I was distraught after reading General Patraeus's report on Iraq :D

6.Fighting a nasty case of wig rash :mad:

5..How can people focus on this when Lenore Hemesley left $12 million to her dog :rolleyes:

4..Eddie Brill said the audience was people from out of town :confused:

3..Uh..global warming :lol:

2..Preoccupied looking for my next guy :p

1..Wanted to get myself on the Oprah like Dave :D
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN AN EMMY

10..You've been described as Hasselhoff esque :confused:

9..It's a reality show about people looking for a good deal on patio furniture :rolleyes:

8..There is no "OUTSTANDING CSI CORPSE" category :lol:

7..Oncde a week you get your butt kicked on one of the Mexican talk shows :D

6..Only luagh you;ve heard all year was when the judges recieved your ballot :D

5..Hoping to get nominated for writing Osama's latest hate-fuled rant :devil:

4..Show is just YouTube video of you getting hit in the N...s :(

3..Your show is even more confusing than "LOST" :eek:

2..Your only appearance on TV was on Maury, claiming you were the 'daddy' :eek:

1..Your name is Regis :lol:
 
Hooray for mentioning CSI in the list, Dave! :lol: (BTW: Do you know why he's always picking on Regis? Some inside joke I don't get?)
 
Him picking on Regis, is an inside joke, their best friends in real lfe , it's all BS, and just for laughs :lol:

TOP TEN THINGS BILLY BOB THORTON WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO AMERICA

10..I was drunk when I agreed to do this :eek:

9..Fact..If it's not bacon, then get it off my plate :p

8..I hope all that money doesn't change Leona Hemsley's
dog :)

7..It's not easy being the most famous guy on the planet named Billy Bob :rolleyes:

6..I based my character in "Sling Blade" on Letterman :lol:

5..I always split aces and eights :cool:

4..Even I find myself strange :(

3..I have a tattoo of Martha Stewart on my a.. :devil:

2..I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty :confused:

1..People ask if there are any projects I've done that I refret..you're seeing it!
 
TOP TEN THINGS OVER HEARD DURING AHNADINEJAD'S TRIP TO NEW YORK

10..Being here makes me realize how much I miss torturing dissidents" :eek:

9..I would like to meet Whoopi :D

8..For a blood-thirsty madman, I dress pretty sharp :devil:

7..Lets go to Mahoumad on the car phone who wants to talk about Notre Dame football :confused:

6..He look's more like "Ahmadinejad-1" in person :(

5..Yes, Mahumad, I got it.. In America you watch TV, In Iran we watch you :eek:

4..Death to overpriced parking garages :lol:

3..Instead of dealing on terror, maybe we should look into the sugar business :eek:

2..You call this Times square..where's the porn? :rolleyes:

1..I thought I was a prick, then I met Donald Trump :confused:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BABY IS TOO FAT

10..It has your eyes, and Barry Bonds head :D


9..Doctor says..."Good Lord" :eek:

8..Baby carriage is a forklift :D

7..The kid's got more chins than fingers :eek:

6..Incubator littered with baby back ribs :p

5..Local TV crews shows up, thinking a baby elephant has been born :rolleyes:

4..His pacificer is a stick of butter :confused:

3..Nevermind a c-section, you've had a d-section.. I'm tellin' ya' folks, it's a big baby :eek:

2..First word BACON :p

1..It's already been mistaken for Rosie O"Donnell :mad:
 
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