DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

This is in regards to the latest rumor that MJ may be geeting married again GROSS

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE MARRYING MICHAEL JACKSON

10..Are O.J Simpson, Phil Spector and Robert Blake spoken for?

9..Does the hyperbaric chamber fit two?

8..Technically, is Michael the bride or groom?

7..Is the best man a llama?

6..Will it bother me when he uses my make-up?

5..If I do this, which one of us will people call "the crazy one"? :lol:

4..Can I put up with being a 'football widow' during the NFL seson?


3..What would Liza Minnelli do?

2..Will he let me raise our monkeys Jewish? :devil:

1..How long can I put off consummating this thing?

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN WAYS GEORGE W. BUSH CAN BOOST HIS APPROVAL RATING

10..Play comical slide- whistle every time he screws up :lol:

9..Release NSA wiretapes of Jessica Biel's hot phone conversations

8..Tell everyone "W" stnads for "Whoa", this guys awesome

7..Help O.J. find the real memorabilla

6..Send 20,000 troops to help Michael Jackson's wedding

5..Devote weekly radio adress to discuss what's happening on "The Hills"

4..What do you mean "boost"? everything's great!

3..Co-star in a movie with a monkey

2..Go on TV, and say "you know what? I did lose in 2000, hand over the keys to Gore :lol:

1..Appoint blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the Mets

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEAM ISN'T GOING TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES

10..Team falls behind during the National Athem

9..You're leading the league bypasses

8..Arrive in Anaheim..game is in Philadelphia :lol:

7..Team is on Letterman parallel parking

6..Clubhouse pep-talk from Larry David has left team nervous and insecure

5..Only pre-game stretching comes in the form of a "wide bathroom stance"

4..Players frequently miss at bats because they're in line for beer :lol:

3..Your first baseman is actually named "Who" [Just think of the confusion]

2..Insert New York Mets joke here

1..Manager leaves after 7th inning to beat the traffic

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN NEW FALL SHOWS ON AL-JAZEERA

10.."The Love Goat"

9.."Third Rock From The Sunni"

8..Jihadin With The Stars" :lol:

7.."Bionic Camel"

6.."Two And A Half Mullahs"

5.."Betty Who May Or Not Be Ugly As She's Concealed By A Burka"

4.."Wings"

3.."The Abdul Van Dyke Show"

2.."Lets Rob Cat Stevens"

1.."Pimp My Turban"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS HILLARY CLINTON IS GETTING COCKY

10..Already selected her victory pantsuit

9..Canceled today's campaign appearances, went to see
"Good Luck Chuck"

8..Spent most of the last debate listening to her iPod..just a reminder, the new iPod Touch is now in stock at your local Apple store

7..Hired Faith Hill to beat up women who've hit on Bill

6..Assembled a Las Vegas crew to steal her football memorabilla

5..Calling Guilani during speeches to say she loves him

4..Alreay issuing memos about putting White House toilet seats down .. the ladies know what I'm talking about :lol:

3..Responds to difficult questions with "Oh no you didn't

2..Greeted Obama yesterday by saying "wanna be my bitch"?

1..Told Bill he can start dating again

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS THERE'S A GHOST IN THE WHITE HOUSE

10..White House staffers have sensed a cold presence that's not Condoleeza

9..Rattling chains and agonized screams make the place sound like Gitmo

8..Someone's been reading the intelligence memos

7..Mysterious force keeps pulling Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne's pants down :lol:

6..Bush looks scared even when he's not looking a poll numbers

5..Halliburton has offered a $1 million contract to the Ghost Whisperer

4..Medical documentation proves Cheney's been dead since '96'

3..Actually, with Bush on vacation every two weeks, it's like having a ghost in the White House..am I right America?

2..Laura saw Saddam Hussein wearing underpants and eating Doritos

1..Mysterious banging and moaning noises in the Oval Office, but Bubba aint' there :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN REASONS JOE TORRE QUIT

10..Yankees wanted to pay him in Radio Shack gift certificates

9..Got caught stealing Rosin bags

8..Joining cast of the Broadway musical "Legally Blonde"

7..Wants to manage a winning team like the Colorado Whatever-Their-Name-Is

6..Couldn't bear the grind of sitting on his butt watching baseball another second

5..Looking to focus on managing his fatansy baseball team

4..Wants to go someplace more peaceful..like Fallujah

3..$5 Million dollars a year...how's the man supposed to live?

2..Doesn't want to be working when he's 90 like Letterman

1..Even Yogi Berra told him "It's over"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN MESSAGES LEFT ON AL GORE'S ANSWERING MACHINE

10..Hi, this is Mandy from The Cheescake Factory, you left your credit card here

9..George W. Bush here, Congratulations on your Latin Grammy

8..It's Larry from Toyota, this global warming paranoia it great for our business

7..Put Letterman on, some idiot is going to jump over some interns

6..This is Hillary, if you run for president I'll snap your neck

5..It's Jets coach Eric Mangini, can you play quarterback?

4..Ann Coulter here, any way we can blame global warming on the Jews?

3..I'm calling from EPA. Turns out there is no global warmng, you're just sweating, because your fat

2..This is Jimmy Carter, want to use our medals to score some babes?

1..It's Cheney, "Watch your back, Jack" :devil:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN MOVIES PLAYING IN TIMES SQUARE

10..Ride My Broomstick

9..Return of the Trouser Mummy

8..It's the Great Pumpkin Bobby Brown

7..Frankenstein Meets the Swedish Exchange Student

6..The Aliens From 'Independence Day Doin' It!

5..Jack O' Lapdance

4..Friday the 13th Part 7..Jason Comes Out Of The Closet :lol:

3..I Was A Teenage Werewolf Hired By A Wealthy Widow To Do Some Yardwork :devil:

2..Tom Brokaw's Halloween Sexfest :lol:

1..Poltergist In My Pants

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN COLORADO ROCKIES EXCUSES

10..Even we've never heard of most of our players

9..Didn't want game 5 to prempt "HOUSE"

8..Relax, there's still alot of baseball to be played

7..The curse of the Bambino :lol:

6..At that altitude, the beer really knocks you on your ass

5..No number 5..writer preparing to go on strike

4..Turns out our Flaxseed oil really was Flaxseed oil

3..O. J. stole the equipment

2..Manager distracted by Joe Torre walking around with his resume

1..Forget us..someone want to explain the JETS?

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD DURING DICK CHENEY'S HUNTING TRIP

10..Has everyone updated their insurance?

9..THe crisp air gives me goose-bumps..no wait, it's another heart attack coming on

8..This can't end well

7..My pacemaker also makes bird calls :lol:

6..I want that quail taken alive.. lets see what the son-of-a-bitch knows

5..Bush was supposed to come, but his father got him out of it

4..Condi, grab a shotgun, and get youself a man

3..No #3, writers making picket sign for up-coming strike

2..You shoot an old guy in the face, avoid talking to authorities, delay taking a blood test, and they label you a bad guy :devil:

1..DUCK

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DOG HATES YOU

10..You tell him to "sit" and he tells you to "eat it"

9..Only time he kisses you is after he drinks from the toilet

8..His favorite chew toy is your iPhone


7..Leaves a dead bird in your slipper with a note reading "Your next"

6..Convinces Leona Hemsley's dog to evict you

5..You dragged him all the way to New York City to perform some dumb trick on the Late Show

4..He gnawed a soup bone into a shiv

3..No number 3..writer shot by his dog

2..Leaves you to go live with Michael Vick

1..He paid Bob Barker $100 to neuter you :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WON'T WIN THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON

10..You frequently hear "Outta of my way lard ass"

9..Every couple of miles you stop and ask directions

8..You pulled a hamstring filling out the application

7..Before the race, you eat a Powerbar with extra cheese

6..You still haven't finished the 2006 NYC Marathon :lol:


5..In trying situations, you ask yourself, "what would Rosie O'Donnell do?


4..Some runners are sponsered by Addias..you're sponsored by Chips Ahoy

3..You're frequently mistaken for the fat guy from "LOST"

2..Made your own steriods out of Red Bull and Super Glue

1..You've been carbo-loading for 30 years :devil:

 

[Desertwind]

Beacues of the writers strike, I had to pull this from an older file

TOP TEN LEAST OPULAR HALLOWEEN CANDIES


10..Bit-O-Monkey

9..Lice Krispie Treats

8..Good N' Clammy

7..Malted Meat Balls

6..Mullahmars

5..They-Might-Be Raisinetes :lol:

4..Al Gore's Melted Sno Caps

3..No number 3..writer on strike

2..Mr. Goodbar..who used to be Mrs. Goodbar

1..Tootsie Roids

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR THE WAL-MART WINE

10..When K-Mart Wine Just Won't Do

9..I Can't Believe It's Not Wine

8..Show Your Friends How Little You Care

7..Kills Germs On Contact

6..Recommended by 4 Out Of 5 Drifters :lol:

5..Crack Open A Can Today

4..Fresh From The Vineyards of Aisle 6

3..Here's To Making' Bail

2..Feeling Down After Being Thrown Out By Britney

1..Goes Great With A $20 Dollar Hooker