DAVES TOP TEN

TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE JOB APPLICATION FOR NEW YORK KNICKS PRESIDENT

10..Are you deeply committed to sucking?:wtf:

9..Any suggestions for new ways to rip-off fans and overpay players?:vulcan:

8..Can you promise to deliver New York a winning team within 25 years?

7..Are you a cop?

6..Are you cool with Isiah Thomas calling you BITCH?:rommie:

5..Can you transform this team from laughing stock to loveable losers?:lol:

4..How much do you think we could get for a naked photo of Yao Ming?:evil:

3..Do you mind making this circus semll "Elephanty"?:borg:

2..Do you have any friends who can play center, powerforward, point guard or shooting guard?:scream:

1..Are you insane?

 

TOP TEN QUESTIONS BUSH ASKED THE POPE:guffaw:

10..Where's te little lady?:wtf:

9..How long have you been "Poping"?

8..Jessica Alba, or Jessican Biel?:alienblush:

7..Have you ever tried eggs Benedict?:rommie:

6..Could you perform an exorcism on Dick Cheney?:lol:

5..Are you on spring break?

4..What are you doing for Passover?:vulcan:

3..Can I come and visit you and Rudolph at the North Pole?:censored:

2..Could you recored a wacky VM for my recorder?:scream:

1..Could you do something about my aproval rating?:devil:

 

TOP TEN SIGNS PRESIDENT BUSH HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS

10..Spends most of his day looking for friends on Facebook:rommie:

9..Stops by Cheney's office every 5 minutes to see if he's still alive:devil:

8..Calls leaders of foreign countires yelling "Baba Booey Baba Booey" also listens to the "Howard Stern Show":scream:

7..Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars

6..THe man is a walking encyclopedia on "The Hills"

5..Gives the White House Tour:lol:

4..Earlier today, he washed and waxed Air Force One:thumbsup:

3..Doing a 3 episode stint as a sexy assistant on "How I Met Your Mother"

2.."President on the Trampoline" isn't the Secret Service code, he's actually on the damn trampoline:rommie:

1..Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos:evil:

 

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/

 

TOP TEN REASONS HILLARY CLINTON LOVES AMERICA

10..We have more Dakotas than any other country

9..Canadian bacon, soggy and chewy, American bacon, crisp and delicious:drool:

8..Thank's to our Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7..so there's your pantsuit joke Dave are you happy?:rommie:

7..232 years and not one cookie shortage

6..TiVo:vulcan:

5..Did I mention soup, MMMM, soup:lol:

4..Did you all know that Teddy Roosevelt was an American?:wtf:


3..Where else can you get your car painted for $29.99:bolian:

2..Is this the part where I say 'Live From New York, it's Saturday Night Live"

1..Apparently anyone can get a talk show:lol:

 

TOP TEN SIGNS THERE'S TROUBLE AT THE WEATHER CHANNEL

10..They're rerunning forecasts from 2004

9..Weathercasters giggle every time they say "Ball-lightning":lol:

8..Hours of programming devoted to footage of clouds that look like monkeys

7..Watercooler talk includes hilarious comments like "Doppler" "I don't ever know her":wtf:

6..Long rage forecast, "Winter cold..Summer hot":rommie:

5..CEO was caught selling anernometers out of the trunk of his car

4..Smiling graphic of the sun is giving the finger:evil:

3..From 6 to midnight, it's just a guy making wind noises with his mouth:guffaw:

2..They don't have a single magician on this week:cardie:

1..Satellite shot always seems to catch Jennifer Aniston sunbathing:thumbsup:

 

THus pertains to the guy who they stuck in the airplane bathroom for 3 hours:wtf:

TOP TEN JETBLUE EXCUSES

10..Pilots judgment was impaired for a whole day of drinking

9..Passenger never requested a non-lavatory seat:alienblush:

8..I wasn't just any toilet, it was the "Admiral's Toilet":evil:

7..That thar, seat countin' is hard:rommie:

6..It was either there, or the overhead compartment:thumbsup:

5..If we didn't lock him in the bathroom, he would have complained about that:vulcan:

4..Any publicity is good publicity..right?:vulcan:

3..We thought he was the Federal Toilet Marshall

2..C'mon, it's better thatn Amtrak

1..Honestly, we never thought the plane would take off:lol:

 

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW OSAMA BIN LADEN AUDIO TAPE

10..The tape begins with "Jihad, Jihad, 1,2,3...Jihad Jihad, 1,2,3:scream:

9..Kept promising weekly iTunes terror podcasts:evil:

8..Went nuts on caller who said Joe Giradi's doing a good job

7..He's a little "pitchy dawg":lol:

6..It's just an informercial for his new "Lean, Mean Goat Grillin' Machine"

5..Complains "Grey's Anatomy" has totally 'Jumped the shark":devil:

4..He's interrupted 3 times by the blind sheik yelling "Baba Booey":guffaw:

3..Background noise suggests he's clearly in a bowling alley

2..Announced his engagement to Star Jones

1..Even he can't believe Bush hasn't caught him:klingon:

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN "AMERICAN IDOL"

10..Judges harshly critique performance before you sing:wtf:

9.Most of the votes received, wrong numbers

8..When you sing, that "thing" on Amy Winehouse's head starts yelping:lol:

7..Producers refuse to tell you where the finale is being held

6..Even Dick Cheney think's what you do is cruel and inhumane:klingon:

5..While talking to Ryan Seacrest, you nervously yell "No deal, Howie!:lol:

4..Every time you hit a high note, your pants fall down

3..No #3..writer playing Grand Theft XBox..promises jokes tomorrow:rommie:

2..Even Hillary admits you have no chance:evil:

1..You're so desperate, you skipped Paula and slept with Randy:alienblush:

 

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN LINE TO SEE THE NEW INDIANA JONES MOVIE:lol:

10..Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs "Cialis":rommie:

9..$185 million budget-there better be some damn monkeys

8..Dude, why the hell are you dressed like Spock?:wtf:

7..I can't wait for the next one in 2027:evil:

6..Is this the movie about those 4 chicks who go slutting around in New York City?

5..If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies--zing:scream:


4..Yes, Harrison, your eligible for a senior citizen discount:lol:

3..No #3 writer waiting in line to see the new Indiana Jones movie:vulcan:

2..If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally:borg:

1..Shouldn't you be at the White House Mr. President:guffaw:

 

TOP TEN REVELATIONS IN THE SCOTT McCLELLAN BOOK

10..Thought it was safe to write a tell all book because the president doesn't read:evil:

9..Resigned from press secretary job because Helen Thomas kept flashing him:wtf:

8..Due to clerical error, CIA spent two years fighting Al Jarreau:lol:

7..When things are busy, the president will stay as late as 4 pm

6..White House has an illegal cable hookup:alienblush:

5..Each time McClellan lied about Iraq, Bush have him a barrel of oil:scream:

4..Before politics Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was a drummer for FOGHAT:guffaw:

3..Still appears at conventions as "Chachi" [oh, soory that's revealed in Scott Baio's book]

2..No #2..writer at screening of "Sex and the City"..and lovin' it:drool:

1..Beneath sunny exterior, Cheney's kind of a jerk:klingon:

 

TOP TEN MESSAGES LEFT ON BARACK OBAMA'S ANSWERING MACHINE:lol:

10..I'ts Eliot Spitzer..lets get some girls and celebrate:alienblush:

9..John McCain here, I..crap, I forgot why I called

8..This is AL Gore, don't make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote:vulcan:

7.It's John McCain again, what is this some kind of machine that answers the phone?:lol:

6..This is John Kerry, are you interested in a subscription to "Sports Illustrated":rommie:

5..You've just made a powerful enemy of the Pantsuit Mfgs. of America:scream:

4..It's Randy Jackson..your last speech was a bit pitchey:cardie:

3..No number 3..writer stuck on plane with Scott McClellan:evil:

2..Hillary Clinton, I'm still prepared to offer you the VP position

1..Oprah, hey I helped you get the nomination, now will you help me get rid of Dr. Phil:guffaw:

 

TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE BARACK OBAMA RUNNING MATE APPLICATION

10..How much expierence do you have doing nothing?:alienblush:

9..Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?:lol:

8..Will you help your oil company buddies achieve recent profits by screwing consumers?

7..How many friends do you have on Facebook?:rommie:

6..Can your charisma and vitality match the high standards set by Dick Cheney?

5..Why the hell was Billy Crystal on Letterman talking about 'SOAP' the Complete Series, now available on DVD?

4..Do you think the Yankees should move Joba back to the bullpen?:borg:

3..Any idea what happened on the season finale of 'LOST"?:wtf:

2..Ever sleep with Barbara Walters?:drool:

1..By any chance to you know where Osama bin Laden is?:evil:

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

10.Your blood type has been reclassified as "expresso":lol:

9..Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog:wtf:

8..As soon as as California legalized gay marriage, you get engaged to Mr. Coffee":rommie:

7..Your after shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer

6..You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room stall

5..A Starbucks just opened in your basement:lol:

4..Your last words before bypass surgery, "Tell Juan Valdez I love him":guffaw:

3..Average blink, 80 per minute

2..You named your kids "Tall" "Grande" and "Venti":bolian:

1..Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show"