DAVES TOP TEN

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desertwind said:
TOP TEN SIGNS GAS IS REALLY EXPENSIVE
1--It's so expensive, Britney Spears' baby is driving a Prius- (don't know what that is)?
Click to expand...

A Prius is a Toyota hybrid that gets something like 40mpg city and 50mpg highway.

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Off The O.J. Jury


10. Ask for a conjugal visit with F. Lee Bailey

9. Giggle uncontrollably everytime someone says "subpoena"

8. Goose the bailiff

7. Everytime anyone even mentions the name O.J., yell "The Juiceman!"

6. Get a lift to the courthouse from Al Cowlings

5. Keep asking, "When do we get to meet the Menendez Brothers?"

4. Wear a "D'Amato for Senate" button

3. Dan, do you have one? (Dan Rather VT: stand up and yell "Wapner!")

2. Drop your pants and say, "dismiss this!"

1. Keep frisking yourself
 
^ :lol: That's a really hilarious top ten list. My favourites are numbers 9 & 7. Thanks so much for posting that :).
 
Top Ten Ways United States Automakers Can Increase Sales

10. "How 'bout a car horn that plays 'My Humps'"
9. "Rig GPS screens to display Cinemax after dark"
8. "Switch gas and brake pedals to make driving more exciting"
7. "Zero down! Zero interest! Zero payment until after the bird flu pandemic!"
6. "Cars come with monkey that keeps an eye on your blind spot"
5. "Less rack, more pinion"
4. "Bumpers that make comical 'boing' sound"
3. "Find a way to make objects in mirror appear even closer"
2. "Enhance lovemaking with vibrating backseat"
1. "Fill airbags with delicious butterscotch pudding"

The extras from the list.

Find a way to get them things to run on gravy"

"Goodbye Buick, hello Buick Regis"

"Rename the exhaust pipe the 'peppy' pipe"

"Install inflatable Burt Reynolds so drivers can re-enact scenes from 'Smokey and the Bandit'"

"When inserting gas nozzle into car have the car say sharky phrases like, 'That's what I'm talking about'"
 
In Malaysia recently a 33 year old man married a 104 yr.old woman- sweiously- it's in the paper :( soo following suit

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE MARRYING A 104-YEAR OLD WOMAN

10--Will I get along with her parents :D

9--What if the day after we get married I meet a hot 103-year-old?
:p
8--Will the wedding cake fit through a straw :eek:

7--Should I go on Springer or Montel? :eek:

6--Do I mind that her ex is Orville Wright? :lol:

5--Does Sunnyvale Retirement Home offer a honymoon package? :confused:

4--Would I be better off marrying two 52-year-olds? :lol:

3--Will this still be a good idea when the Tequila wears off? :devil:


2--How much longer can I make her think I'm Bob Barker? :D

1--When do we get to consummate this bad boy? :p
 
For all you Trekkies

Top Ten Ways To Make "Star Trek" Cool Again

10. Change Vulcan salutation from "Live Long and Prosper" to "Drop It Like It's Hot"
Tim G., Chicago, IL

9. Change the mission: "To boldly go where babes are aplenty"
Marshall P., Seattle, WA

8. To beat rising fuel prices, replace Dilithium Crystals with Hybrid technology
Chris M., Lexington, SC

7. In addition to "kill" and "stun," phasers can be set to "arouse"
Bruce L., Tempe, AZ

6. Have Uhura date Ashton Kutcher
Joe M., Denver, CO

5. Two words: Brokeback Planet
Larry S., Hollywood

4. Allow George Takei to take over set design and make everything fabulous
Jim M., Toledo, OH

3. Give Vulcans the same cool powers the Fonz has
Darin C., Cincinnati, OH

2. Captain Kirk follows all ultimatums to invading races with, "Deal, or no deal?"
Ben H., Boise, ID

1. Goodbye James T. Kirk; Hello, Katie Couric
Eric P., Syracuse, NY
 
TOP TEN PIECES OF ADVICE GEORGE W. BUSH GAVE TO RECENT GRADUATES :(

10--You can't expect to function on less than 16 hours of sleep per night :lol:

9--If you don't know a foreign leader's nmae just call hin "Pierre" :rolleyes:

8--If you're not making more than your professors two years from now, your doing something wrong :mad:

7--The internet is a great place to find speeches you can pass off as your own :D

6--Drinking and partying all the time will jeopardize your future ---just kidding :devil:

5--Wanna go to Iraq- it's lots of fun :eek: :(

4--If you're a male cheerleader, destroy all photographs of yourself :confused:

3--Do any of you want to be president---I'm sick of it? :( :rolleyes:

2--Don't challenge my mom Barbara to a fistfight--she'll kick your ass :lol:

1--Move to Mexico- why not=their all coming here :eek:
 
Top Ten Questions in the White House Press Secretary Job Interview

10. Can you repeat the same answer 50 different ways?
Anthony B., Kingston, Canada

9. Are you willing to be the designated driver for the Bush twins?
Alan S., Kelowna, Canada

8. Have you ever seen Sam Donaldson naked?
Andrew R., Atlanta, GA

7. You do realize you're not applying for "Big Brother," right?
Diana H., Kalamazoo, MI

6. If a train leaves at 10am traveling east at 100mph and another train leaves another station at 11am traveling west at 125mpg, waht are the chances that WMDs will be found in Iraq?
Glenn J., Tallahassee, FL

5. Do you know where Osama bin Laden is?
Michael S., Pt. Washington, NY

4. President Bush just accidentally dropped a hydrogen bomb on Canada. How can you blame Clinton?
Tim G., Chicago, IL

3. Hypothetically, if the vice president were to drink a few beers and then shoot someone in the face, how would you spin that?
Allen F., Roanoke, VA

2. Is there any chance Helen Thomas could seduce information out of you?
Mike N., Arcola, IL

1. How quickly can you start lying?
Jonathn B., Cambridge, MA
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET

10--Used to be called 'Larry"--now calls himself "Larry dot com" :rolleyes:

9--Every conversation turns into a sales pitch for low-interest mortgage rates :mad:

8--On his wall, poster of Jonathan Schwartz, presdent and chief operating officer of Sun Microsystems :lol:

7--You call it a cold--he calls it being infected with spyware :rolleyes:

6--Bought his prom date on eBay ;)

5--Only thing on his iPod--that dial-up modem connection sound :D

4--You found a stack of wired magazines underneath his bed :eek:

3--Sitting alone in a room has left him with the people skills of Dick Cheney :eek:

2--You have to move because he lost you house to a online casino :(

1--You catch him Googling himself :lol: :D
 
Questions George Bush Asked The New CIA Director.

10. How many national security threats can you ignore per minute?
9. Any chance the "A" in CIA stands for anchovies?
8. How many years experience do you have sitting on your ass doing nothing?
7. Do you prefer being called dude or dawg?
6. Can we speed this up I wanna see "RV"?
5. Is Cialis right for you?
4. Can you explain to me what the hell is happening on Lost?
3. So, do you speak Iraqian?
2. What would it take to make Letterman disappear?
1. Can you get me some surveillance photos of Jessica Alba sunbathing?
 
Top Ten Surprises In ABC's Bird Flu Movie (Presented By Britney Spears)


10. Thanks to sponsorship deal, flu is cured by delicious taste of Dr. Pepper

9. Humans attacked by pigeons with tire irons

8. 20% of population comes down with less dangerous "bird hiccups"

7. Every time someone says, "chicken," all the characters chug a beer

6. Hilarious scene in which Leslie Nielsen confuses his Tamiflu with his Viagra

5. Every single person in the world ends up at General Hospital

4. The big villain? Larry Bird

3. Sad conclusion in which Charlie Brown puts a bullet in Woodstock

2. Hilarious scene where the guy playing President Bush actually solves the problem

1. Sole survivors Michael Jackson and Rosie O'Donnell are forced to repopulate the earth
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Surprises In ABC's Bird Flu Movie (Presented By Britney Spears)

3. Sad conclusion in which Charlie Brown puts a bullet in Woodstock
Click to expand...

Makes me think of Old Yeller. :(
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR A BAD TALK SHOW HOST :devil:

10--Your typical workday--1 hour doing show- 4 hours apologizing :lol:

9--Instead of warm embrace by guests- they greet you with a swift kick to the kidneys :mad:

8--When you say, "we'll be right back," studio audience starts boing :rolleyes:

7--You spend entire show blabbing about your kids Cody and Cassidy :(

6--You only question for Ellen, is "how's your boyfriend" :eek:

5--Network president would rather hang out with Fidel Castro than you :eek:

4--Best part of the program is when audio guy shows you his naked vacation pictures :p

3--Instead of "Applause" lighted sign reads-"Laugh Or we Release The Bees" :D

2--You just don't make guest feel welcome :eek:

1--For you "monologue" you point out audience members you think might be gay :eek:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS BUSH IS DRINKING AGAIN

10--Begins every speech with "Dude, I'm so hungover" :D

9--Welcomed John Roberts with awkward, lingering hug :eek:

8--During recent speech, coughed up a swizzle stick :eek:

7--Now spells his name B-U-S-C-H :rolleyes:

6--Appointed Michael Brown head of Zima :lol:

5--He's been pronoucing words correctly :)

4--Next Supreme Court nominee--Johnny Walker Black :p

3--He's been asking Clinton for that heftys girl's phone number :cool:

2--Even the twins are urging to slow down ;)

1--Called a cabinet meeting to discuss "Laura's dynamite ass" :devil:
 
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