DAVES TOP TEN
- Thread starter Desertwind
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Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
Pretty damn funny ones about Katie Couric- 
just curious-- which nite were these on Letterman-? I missed them
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN A PULITZER PRIZE
10--Your op-ed pieces are all the same--Cookies Are Tasty
9--Only thing you wrote all year was a letter to CBS asking not to cancel "Yes Dear"!!
8--Your scathing report on plagiarism was copied from someone else
7--Last book signing was held at Jiffy Lube :lol:
6--Your novel is sold exclusively at windowless bookstores along the interstate
5--You're the critic quoted in the ads for "Basic Instinct 2"
4-You think fact-checking is for sissies
3--Instead of covering the United States-Iraq war, opted to cover the war between 7-11 and Cumberland Farms
2--You're up against a New York Post reporter with a wallet full of bribin' money :devil:
1--Sports section has Knicks in first place :lol: :lol:
just curious-- which nite were these on Letterman-? I missed them TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN A PULITZER PRIZE
10--Your op-ed pieces are all the same--Cookies Are Tasty
9--Only thing you wrote all year was a letter to CBS asking not to cancel "Yes Dear"!!
8--Your scathing report on plagiarism was copied from someone else
7--Last book signing was held at Jiffy Lube :lol:
6--Your novel is sold exclusively at windowless bookstores along the interstate
5--You're the critic quoted in the ads for "Basic Instinct 2"
4-You think fact-checking is for sissies
3--Instead of covering the United States-Iraq war, opted to cover the war between 7-11 and Cumberland Farms
2--You're up against a New York Post reporter with a wallet full of bribin' money :devil:
1--Sports section has Knicks in first place :lol:
:lol:The Katie Couric list was the Top Ten Contest you can find those on cbs.com along with the top ten extras I somtimes post.
Top Ten Organized Crime Money Savings Tips
10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.
2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"
1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.
Top Ten Organized Crime Money Savings Tips
10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.
2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"
1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN OTHER ANNOUNCEMENTS MERDITH VIEIRA WOULD LIKE TO MAKE-AS PRESENTED BY MEREDITH VIEIRA
10--NBC promised me two assistants-and intern and a monkey
9--Six retired general advised me not to go to CBS :lol:
8--I once served time for running a cockfighting ring in Managua
7--I'm carrying Brad Pitt's baby
6--I haven't even started at NBC and already I'm getting creepy phone calls from Donald Trump :devil:
5--I'm thrilled to follow in the high heels of Katie Couric-Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel
4--A minute ago backstage I saw a rat the size of a Basset hound
3--The rumors are true-- I'm on steroids
2--I can smell Dave's cheap-ass cologne from here
1--If I seem disapointed-it's because I thought I was going on Jay Leno :lol:
10--NBC promised me two assistants-and intern and a monkey
9--Six retired general advised me not to go to CBS :lol:
8--I once served time for running a cockfighting ring in Managua
7--I'm carrying Brad Pitt's baby
6--I haven't even started at NBC and already I'm getting creepy phone calls from Donald Trump :devil:
5--I'm thrilled to follow in the high heels of Katie Couric-Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel
4--A minute ago backstage I saw a rat the size of a Basset hound
3--The rumors are true-- I'm on steroids
2--I can smell Dave's cheap-ass cologne from here
1--If I seem disapointed-it's because I thought I was going on Jay Leno
:lol:
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN STORES WHERE THE ROYAL COUPLE IS REGISTERED
10--Everything Scepters :lol:
9--Nothin' But Crumpets
8--The Tony Blair Image :lol:
7--Old Navy That Gets Deafeated In The Falklands
6--Inbreedingdale's
5--Queen Victoria's Secret
4--Nigel's World Of Solid Gold Toothpicks
3--I Can't Believe It's Not Blood Pudding
2--The Gap For People That Got Their Butts Kicked By The Americans
1--Hosie Cows 'R Us
10--Everything Scepters :lol:
9--Nothin' But Crumpets
8--The Tony Blair Image :lol:
7--Old Navy That Gets Deafeated In The Falklands
6--Inbreedingdale's
5--Queen Victoria's Secret
4--Nigel's World Of Solid Gold Toothpicks
3--I Can't Believe It's Not Blood Pudding
2--The Gap For People That Got Their Butts Kicked By The Americans
1--Hosie Cows 'R Us
Top Ten Signs Your Supreme Court Justice Is On The Take
10. Begins every case with, "We'll start the bribing at ten thousand."
9. His written opinions always have several mentions of the thirst-quenching taste of Mountain Dew.
8. Regularly convenes court at the dog track.
7. Asks, "Does either attorney plan on inviting me on any hunting trips?"
6. For a Supreme Court Justice he certainly is mentioned on "The Sopranos" a lot.
5. All the bling bling.
4. His last article in the "Law Journal" was about finding the right fence for your stolen goods.
3. When you have a meeting with him in chambers, frisks you for a wire.
2. He's on the Forbes 500 List between Bill Gates and Oprah.
1. Already declared Bush the winner of the November election.
10. Begins every case with, "We'll start the bribing at ten thousand."
9. His written opinions always have several mentions of the thirst-quenching taste of Mountain Dew.
8. Regularly convenes court at the dog track.
7. Asks, "Does either attorney plan on inviting me on any hunting trips?"
6. For a Supreme Court Justice he certainly is mentioned on "The Sopranos" a lot.
5. All the bling bling.
4. His last article in the "Law Journal" was about finding the right fence for your stolen goods.
3. When you have a meeting with him in chambers, frisks you for a wire.
2. He's on the Forbes 500 List between Bill Gates and Oprah.
1. Already declared Bush the winner of the November election.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
needmorecis
TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE YELL AT THEIR TV WHILE WATCHING THE "AMERICAN IDOL" FINALE
10--"Hey, it's that Ace kid whose ass I kicked in grade school" :lol:
9--"Awesome!! Another over-produced power ballad!!
8--"This is great>>> but couod that be the Candian beef talking"
7--"Has anyone seen the damn remote?" :lol:
6--"The show isn't even half over and I have already forgotten half these people's name" (excatly)
5--"Where's the remote?! for the love of God, where's the remote?"!
4--"Honey, we got any more Cheez Whiz?"
3--"We're screwed!" (CBS-NBC-ABC executives only)
2--"My tax cut plan can wait Kellie is singing"
1--"I was wrong, booze doesn't make this show better"
The Punch Line
Chinese Pres. Hu Jintao is visiting Pres. Bush- his first question was "What the hell happened to Kenny Rogers face' :devil:
Jay Leno
TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE YELL AT THEIR TV WHILE WATCHING THE "AMERICAN IDOL" FINALE
10--"Hey, it's that Ace kid whose ass I kicked in grade school" :lol:
9--"Awesome!! Another over-produced power ballad!!
8--"This is great>>> but couod that be the Candian beef talking"
7--"Has anyone seen the damn remote?" :lol:
6--"The show isn't even half over and I have already forgotten half these people's name"
(excatly)5--"Where's the remote?! for the love of God, where's the remote?"!
4--"Honey, we got any more Cheez Whiz?"
3--"We're screwed!" (CBS-NBC-ABC executives only)
2--"My tax cut plan can wait Kellie is singing"
1--"I was wrong, booze doesn't make this show better"
The Punch Line
Chinese Pres. Hu Jintao is visiting Pres. Bush- his first question was "What the hell happened to Kenny Rogers face' :devil:
Jay Leno
Top Ten Ways President Bush Can Raise His Approval Rating
10. Hire Jack Bauer to find Osama Bin Laden
Marty D., Oregon, OH
9. Reunite Nick and Jessica
Gregg G., Lincoln, NE
8. Announce his next big mission is to get those people on "Lost" home safely
Scott S., Hillsboro, WI
7. Replace Laura with the First Lady of Soul, Aretha Franklin
Caroline L., Philadelphia, PA
6. Get Eva Longoria to give his speeches for him
Emily U., Oakville, ON
5. Pass a bill that forces Ben Affleck to stop acting
Dan G., St. Louis, MO
4. Put brother Jeb in charge of counting approval ratings
Keith B., West Chester, PA
3. Free tacos when approval rating hits 40%
Marty M., Bassett, VA
2. Since that 2000 election was so darn close, let Gore be President for last two years
David J., Livonia, MI
1. Fire Cheney, hire Oprah
Marian S., Raleigh, NC
10. Hire Jack Bauer to find Osama Bin Laden
Marty D., Oregon, OH
9. Reunite Nick and Jessica
Gregg G., Lincoln, NE
8. Announce his next big mission is to get those people on "Lost" home safely
Scott S., Hillsboro, WI
7. Replace Laura with the First Lady of Soul, Aretha Franklin
Caroline L., Philadelphia, PA
6. Get Eva Longoria to give his speeches for him
Emily U., Oakville, ON
5. Pass a bill that forces Ben Affleck to stop acting
Dan G., St. Louis, MO
4. Put brother Jeb in charge of counting approval ratings
Keith B., West Chester, PA
3. Free tacos when approval rating hits 40%
Marty M., Bassett, VA
2. Since that 2000 election was so darn close, let Gore be President for last two years
David J., Livonia, MI
1. Fire Cheney, hire Oprah
Marian S., Raleigh, NC
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
#2- really- those were great- these writers are so talented and creative- aren't they
TOP TEN LEAST IMPRESSIVE DAVD COPPERFIELD TRICKS
10--Sitting through an entire XFL game
9--Spelling "Kryzyzewski" :lol:
8--The slowly disppearing throat lozenge
7--The backwards-aging magician thanks to plastic surgery
6--Levitating "Little David", if you know what I mean
5--The tweed sport coat that still smells like granpa
4--Explaining how "Basic Instinct 2" ever got made :lol:
3--Getting really baked and making a entire box of Twinkies disappear
2--Making relationship with Claudia Schiffer -it never happened
1--Pulling Siegfried out of Roy
The Punch Line
Two Irishman walk out of a pub in Dublin---It could happen :lol:
Shecky Greene
really- those were great- these writers are so talented and creative- aren't they TOP TEN LEAST IMPRESSIVE DAVD COPPERFIELD TRICKS
10--Sitting through an entire XFL game
9--Spelling "Kryzyzewski" :lol:
8--The slowly disppearing throat lozenge
7--The backwards-aging magician thanks to plastic surgery
6--Levitating "Little David", if you know what I mean
5--The tweed sport coat that still smells like granpa
4--Explaining how "Basic Instinct 2" ever got made :lol:
3--Getting really baked and making a entire box of Twinkies disappear
2--Making relationship with Claudia Schiffer -it never happened
1--Pulling Siegfried out of Roy
The Punch Line
Two Irishman walk out of a pub in Dublin---It could happen :lol:
Shecky Greene
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Possessed By The Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln
10. Only chases cars with Illinois license plates
9. Wags his tail excitedly when there's a Lincoln Day sale at The Wiz
8. His face is covered with fur, except right under his nose
7. Two dogs in sunglasses and ear pieces follow him around
6. He's the only dog in neighborhood wearing stovepipe muzzle
5. Damned if he didn't build himself a log cabin doghouse
4. Your dog loves chicken (a little-known fact -- Abraham Lincoln loved chicken)
3. You ask Miss Cleo whether your dog is possessed by Lincoln, she says, "Uh...yes"
2. Always honest about taking a leak on the rug
1. He hates the theater
10. Only chases cars with Illinois license plates
9. Wags his tail excitedly when there's a Lincoln Day sale at The Wiz
8. His face is covered with fur, except right under his nose
7. Two dogs in sunglasses and ear pieces follow him around
6. He's the only dog in neighborhood wearing stovepipe muzzle
5. Damned if he didn't build himself a log cabin doghouse
4. Your dog loves chicken (a little-known fact -- Abraham Lincoln loved chicken)
3. You ask Miss Cleo whether your dog is possessed by Lincoln, she says, "Uh...yes"
2. Always honest about taking a leak on the rug
1. He hates the theater
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
Top Ten Reasons the U.S. Is the Best Country on Earth
10. No dress code
9. We've invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff.
8. Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show.
7. Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year? France? Think again, buddy!
6. Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby.
5. You can go to any Gap and try on as many pants as you want.
4. In other countries, you have to choose between breakfast and lunch. In America, we've got a little something called "brunch."
3. Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become president.
2. We're on the cutting edge of Thighmaster technology
1. Life, liberty, and Oprah
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Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig!
9. You need some I.D.? How 'bout this dollar?
8. I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?
7. Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?
6. No, I'm not Barbara Bush.
5. I'm the first president of the U.S.; what do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets?
4. Did you see 'Seinfeld' last night? That Kramer is a riot!
3. Ben Franklin? Gay.
2. Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?
1. My god -- Sam Dondaldson is annoying!
10. No dress code
9. We've invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff.
8. Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show.
7. Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year? France? Think again, buddy!
6. Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby.
5. You can go to any Gap and try on as many pants as you want.
4. In other countries, you have to choose between breakfast and lunch. In America, we've got a little something called "brunch."
3. Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become president.
2. We're on the cutting edge of Thighmaster technology
1. Life, liberty, and Oprah
-----------------------------------------
Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig!
9. You need some I.D.? How 'bout this dollar?
8. I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?
7. Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?
6. No, I'm not Barbara Bush.
5. I'm the first president of the U.S.; what do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets?
4. Did you see 'Seinfeld' last night? That Kramer is a riot!
3. Ben Franklin? Gay.
2. Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?
1. My god -- Sam Dondaldson is annoying!
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