DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN REASONS I LOVE BEING DAVES MOM (PRESENTED BY DAVES MOM)

10--When I see him on his show-I know he's not in jail :lol:

9--He gets me celebrity autographs which I sell on eBay

8--I don't have to wait for a table at Red Lobster :lol:

7--He lives 700 mils away

6--He keeps his mouth shut about my illegal cable box

5--He's too modest to mention his Olympic ice dancing medals

4--He sends me all the unclaimed items from the audience lost and found

3--It's nice that he look's older than I do

2--The crisp $10 bill I get on my birthday :lol:

1--Well, I honestly don't know if there are ten reasons

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Impossible Missions

10. Watching an entire WNBA game
Scott M., Austin, TX

9. Getting that fifth dentist to recommend Trident Sugarless Gum for their patients who chew gum
Jason Q., Baraboo, WI

8. Trying to make cupcakes even more delicious
Shaun K., North Delta, BC

7. Figuring out exactly what Willis is talking about
Raymond C., Toronto, ON

6. Stealing a cookie from Kirstie Alley
Gene B., Lisbon, ME

5. Finding a copy of "O" magazine without Oprah on the cover
Paul V., San Francisco, CA

4. Trying to figure out the plot of "Lost"
Ryan P., Hudson, WI

3. Persuading birds that Donald Trump's hair is not a nest
Kelly S., Bridgman

2. Finding someone willing to go hunting with Dick Cheney
Bruce S., Warminster

1. Keeping Tom Cruise's couch cushions clean
Eileen G., Wilmington, DE

 

[Desertwind]

needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Impossible Missions

Getting that fifth dentist to recommend Trident Sugarless Gum for their patients who chew gum
Jason Q., Baraboo, WI







5. Finding a copy of "O" magazine without Oprah on the cover
Paul V., San Francisco, CA




2. Finding someone willing to go hunting with Dick Cheney
Bruce S., Warminster

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD SUMMER CONCERT

10--It's held on the median of I-95

9--You can't hear the music over the plane spraying for bird-flu

8--Every song is either about pancakes or Tom Cruise

7--The big "encore"--a 20 minute apology :lol:

6--It's an intimate evening with the late Bing Crosby

5--90% of the seats are "obstructed view"

4--Biggest crowd response is when lead singer announces that's there's a white Ford Taurus with it's lights on

3--Britney Spears is sick so her heavy set uncle Larry is filling in

2--Only thing on key---the feedback

1--Lead singer screams---"Are you ready to rock"? and the audience replies "Absoutley not!!

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate


10. "I'm studying viruses... Wanna see my West Nile mosquitoes?"

9. "Hope you like toothless drifters..."

8. "Good news! Everything we do will be broadcast live on the Internet"

7. "Sorry this plastic bubble I live in takes up so much space"

6. "Do you want to be on the top or the bottom, and I know we don't have bunkbeds"

5. "How much do you know about the fine products made by the Amway corporation?"

4. "Me no like roommate... Me wait til roommate sleeps, then no more roommate"

3. "We can conserve water if we shower together"

2. "Can my dad crash with us after Gore kicks his ass in November?"

1. "Anne Heche is wandering around your bedroom"

 

[Desertwind]

FUNNY- # 9-

TOP TEN PIECES OF FATHERLY ADVICE FROM GEORGE W. BUSH

10--You're comng to me for advice? OK-that's mistake #1 :lol:

9--Do as I say, not as I doing did"

8--At achool, sit nex to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off them :devil:

7--You can't go through life getting arrested and making an ass out of yourself----just kidding :lol:

6--Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up like Al Gore

5--If you ever get in a jam---call my dad-your grampa--it's always worked for me

4-Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says you're a disgrace to the family---no--wait that's what she said about me

3--Remember the motto of my predecessor--it's only a crime if you get caught :devil:

2--never use a fake ID to buy hooch--that's what the secret service guys are for

1--Keep up the good work girls--at this rate you'll be president someday

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH OBSERVATIONS ABOUT EUROPE

10--Europeans speak worse English than I do :lol:

9--That Eiffel Tower would make on mother of an oil well

8--Austria looks nothing like it looked on "Survivor"

7--The time difference screws up your nap schedule

6--British beef not only tasty-it gave me a buzz I haven't had since college

5--The Polish people tell some great "Bush is dumb" jokes

4--In France, you don't have to say, "French Fries" you can just say "Fries"

3--Due to the metric system-my ten-gallon hat is a whopping 37.84 liters :lol:

2--The Irish drive on the left side of the road, like I used to

1--One of these countries is where my dad urped on the kino?????

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN "AMERICAN IDOL"

10--Only got two phone votes last week,and one was a wrong number

9--Sang only one note and your car's already loaded with parting gifts :lol:

8--The only other time you dan in public, you recieved a $50 dollar fine

7--Amish sect forbids you to appear on cameras or use any sudio equiptment

6--Russian mob strong -armed the French judge into voting against you

5--You look like a teenaged Henry Kissinger :lol:

4--While you sing, you chain smoke Kools

3--The "studio"--your basement--the "Judges" your kitties

2--Your ill-advied song "I Love You Osama" :devil:

1--The only words you can make out from screaming audience members are "microphone" "shove" and "ass" :lol:

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Surprises in George W. Bush's Speech


10. Immigration crackdown began after he caught Laura hitting on the White House pool boy

9. Referred to Mexicans as "people of the sombrero"

8. Onscreen ticker kept track of his rapidly falling approval rating

7. Frequent references to "my good friend Cheech"

6. Not enough time discussing border patrol, too much time discussing the new "Facts of Life" DVD box set

5. In retaliation, Mexico may forbid American girls from going wild in Cancun

4. Stirring moment when he declared, "Ich bin ein chalupa"

3. Appealed to Zorro for help

2. Instead of "My fellow Americans," began speech with, "Sup bitches"

1. Important points punctuated by a shotgun blast from Cheney

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS THE GOVERNMENT IS SPYING ON YOU

10--Post office wall has several photos of you

9--Your houseplant occasionally sneezes :lol:

8--Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7--Birthday card from you mom has several words blacked out

6--You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Survelliance Video"

5--Your dishwasher functions are "Wash, 'Rinse" and 'Record"

4--Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3--Every tme you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico"

2--You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house :devil:

1--Suddenly discover there's an atenna bolted to your ass :lol: :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR MONKEY IS A GENIUS

10-Won 30 grand on Jeopardy's monkey week :lol:

9--Only guy in your house that has any idea what's happening on "Lost"

8--Got 1600 on the monkey SAT's

7--Bought Chiquita at $1.50 a share

6--Banned from all Casinos for card counting

5--Will only eat bananas if they've been flambeed with rum

4--Uses his tail to make adorable shadow puppets of today's hottest stars

3--Knows the recipe for a dynamite banana daiquiri

2--The NSA hired him to wire all of your fruits and vegetables

1--Long ago, he warned his cousin Bubbles to stay the hell away from Michael Jackson :devil:

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Things Overheard During Keith Richards' Hospital Stay

10. "What aren't you currently taking, Mr. Richards?"
Scott G., Elgin, IL

9. "Visiting hours are over, you'll have to ask the strippers to leave"
Robin G., San Francisco, CA

8. "That explains it. His MRI shows three livers"
Darron D., Tallahassee, FL

7. "According to our tests he's been dead for the past 30 years"
Jorge M., Toronto, ON

6. "First time an organ rejected the body"
Frank A., Los Angeles, CA

5. "His blood type is Jack Daniels"
Dana S., Austin, TX

4. "Haven't seen anything this close to death since Letterman's hairpiece"
Sean P., Alameda, CA

3. "You mean he looked like that before the fall?"
Rick O., Grand Marais, MN

2. "I just listed his beadpan on eBay"
Jim S., Boca Raton, FL

1. "We need to find a perfect match for his blood -- somebody call Whitney Houston!"
Karin P., Billerica, MA

 

[Desertwind]

needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Things Overheard During Keith Richards' Hospital Stay

10. "What aren't you currently taking, Mr. Richards?"
Scott G., Elgin, IL



8. "That explains it. His MRI shows three livers"
Darron D., Tallahassee, FL



6. "First time an organ rejected the body"
Frank A., Los Angeles, CA

5. "His blood type is Jack Daniels"
Dana S., Austin, TX



3. "You mean he looked like that before the fall?"
Rick O., Grand Marais, MN


:lol: Fell out of a coconut tree - I love him but what an silly fool -

 

[Guest]

Top Ten Questions People Ask When Shopping For An Umbrella

10. "What kind of trade-in can I get on my old umbrella?"

9. "Can you give me references from satisfied customers?"

8. "Do you carry those smart-looking umbrella hats?"

7. "How long until I accidentally leave it in a cab?"

6. "Is it all right if I take one home and try it in the shower?"

5. "Do you offer umbrella lessons?"

4. "Can you tell me about your anti-umbrella-theft options?"

3. "Is it waterproof?"

2. "Do you have a restroom?"

1. "Do you mind if I pretend to shop for umbrellas until it stops raining?"

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Perks Of Being Osama Bin Laden's Son

10. Sometimes lets you work the camera for his videotaped rants

9. Touching moment when he teaches you how to torture an infidel

8. As busy as he is, Osama always makes time for Jihad Father and Son Day

7. Drop the old man's name at Kandahar TGI Friday's and you're looking at complimentary popcorn shrimp

6. Always asked to be celebrity judge at wet burqa contests

5. Has a surprisingly good collection of early 70's Dylan records

4. Fast-track membership process at the Tora Bora Country Club

3. Would be great for picking up babes if you were allowed to talk to babes

2. You are one United States airstrike away from running the damn business

1. At butcher shop, you always get the tastiest cut of goat


Top Ten Suggestions The Public Made To Fight Terrorism


10. "If you meet Osama Bin Laden -- sucker punch the bastard"

9. "Special hotline to report anyone who looks 'shifty'"

8. "Offer Taliban free HBO, instead of cable guy send Jackie Chan"

7. "Two words: spy monkeys"

6. "Go to every K-Mart and announce over P.A.: 'Will Osama Bin Laden report to the manager's office?'"

5. "What are we waiting for -- call Batman"

4. "Give terrorists brightly wrapped fruitcake, but inside there's a skunk!"

3. "Make Taliban leaders easier to spot by sending them all bright orange hats"

2. "Fight terrorism with love!" (the guy who suggested this was beaten to a pulp by an angry mob)

1. "Do another 'Hands Across America' -- that worked before"



Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson


10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

9. People never refer to you as "The crazy one in the family"

8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction

7. Don't want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad's exact location

6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you'll be torturing the Iraqi people

5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close

4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather

3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors

2. You can get first pick of the police auction's seized and repossessed camels

1. Get to call Bin Laden "Uncle Osama"