DAVES TOP TEN

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3. Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become president.


1. Life, liberty, and Oprah





8. I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?



:D :D :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN CENTRAL PARK

10--Put your shirt back on, or I'll have to ask you to leave the park :eek:

9--Would you mind rubbing sunblock on my hard-to-reach places? :mad:

8--I just ate a bad hot dog and now I see dancing monkeys :lol:

7--Can you direct me to where all the hookers hang out :p

6--I took a leak on that exact spot about an hour ago :eek:

5--Don't take your pants off. Remember-remember, don't take your pants off-don't take your pants off :rolleyes:

4--I just came in from the resevoir-do you know how to make a body sink? :devil:

3--The boss sent me down here to see if you guys were really home sick today, man is he gonna be pissed :D

2--Can you check me for ticks :eek:

1--Nothing protects you from the sun like a good coating of mustard :confused:
 
Top Ten Questions On The Application For Doorman At Osama Bin Laden's Cave Complex


10. Do you have references from maniacal terrorists you've worked for?

9. Mind signing for exploding packages?

8. You're not taking this job so you can kill Osama and get the $25 million, are you?

7. Do you mind being drugged, knocked out, blindfolded and driven 200 miles to and from work every day?

6. List three references who can vouch for your beard

5. Can you make balloon animals? Osama loves balloon animals

4. Will you contribute to the 401(K) even though there's not a chance in hell you'll see 65?

3. Are you okay with some light typing and filing?

2. List the schools where you received your fanatical, hate-filled "education"

1. May we pay you in sand?
 
the Osama ones- HILARIOUS :D why the H can't they find him?

TOP TEN SIGNS THE ACTOR PLAYING HARRY IS TOO OLD

10--Uses magic spell to convince store clerk to sell him beer and cigarettes :devil:

9--Characters trademark lightning bolt scar is now obscured by liver spots :(

8--He flies around on a magic walker :eek:

7--New movie includes several scenes of Harry shouting at neighborhood kids to get off his lawn :lol:

6--Title of his next movie 'Harry Potter and the quest to see Cameron Diaz naked" :p

5--Harry won't shut up about how baseball hasn't been the same since the Dodgers left Brooklyn :rolleyes:

4--Demi Moore has stopped visiting the set :D

3--He's the new spokesman for lipitor :confused:

2--70 percent of his lines --"What'd you say! :lol:

1--He's often mistaken for Letterman :lol:
 
Top Ten Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline


10. "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow"

9. "Do you make one for rain?"

8. "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?"

7. "Can you use it to make sno-cones?"

6. "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?" - My personal favorite :lol:

5. "Can I use it to make cole slaw?"

4. "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?"

3. "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?"

2. "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to Mars?"

1. "Can I blow myself?"
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Top Ten Questions Received By The Chap Stick Hotline


10. "Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?"

9. "Okay, I removed the cap -- now what?"

8. "Can I use it to highlight passages in books?"

7. "Is it safe for my kitty's lips?"

6. "Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?"

5. "I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?"

4. "Is it available in a spray?"

3. "I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I send it?"

2. "I lost my Chap Stick -- did anyone turn it in?"

1. "Is Wilford Brimley dead?"
 
TOP TEN PHRASES THAT SOUND COOL WHEN SUNG BY A BLUES SINGER

10--That Leonardo diCaprio is one hunky son-of-a-bitch :p

9--OOOWWWWWW manma, I just spilled McDonalds coffee in my lap :mad:

8--MMMBop :cool:

7--Bovine spongifoam encephelopathy is primarily transmitted through contaminated livestock feed :rolleyes:

6--Tell me, darling, do these pants make my ass look fat? :devil:

5--If you could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise :lol:

4--Tomorrow on Oprah, actor Tony Danza :(

3--I've been working harder than a Clinton lawyer :eek:

2--Turn your head and cough :eek:

1--If I hear that damn Kelly Clarkson song again, I think I'll slit my throat :eek: :D
 
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Teacher On The First Day Of School


10. "Your grade will be determined by how well you wash my car"
(Pre-kindergarten teacher, Laurie Kesselman)

9. "Parent-teacher conferences at 3:00pm; if your mom's hot, it's dinner and drinks"
(Tenth grade teacher, Keith Allene)

8. "If my methods seem unconventional, it's because I forged my teaching credentials at Kinko's"
(Ninth and tenth grade teacher, Paul Frisch)

7. "I'm not good with names, so I'm going to call all of you 'Skippy'"
(High school teacher, Tracy Morena)

6. "Is it just me, or is chalk delicious?"
(High school teacher, Anna Piquero)

5. "Study, don't study -- honestly, I only care about tonight's Lotto numbers"
(Elementary school teacher, Mary Nicolas)

4. "I'm just a substitute -- your teacher is being detained at Camp X-Ray"
(First grade teacher, Danielle Capeck)

3. "Screw math -- just cheat off the exchange student"
(High school teacher, Chris Couglin)

2. "Hey everybody! Looks like we got a bed-wetter!"
(High school teacher, Mike Cannone)

1. "I was George W. Bush's English teacher"
(College professor, Robert Kaplan)
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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School


10. I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp

9. The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy

8. Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be going out with you again this year

7. Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass"

6. Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class

5. The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler room

4. Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?

3. Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow

2. My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me from last year as Mr. Rosenblum

1. I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler
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Top Ten Signs Your Elementary School Principal is Nuts


10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules"

9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with his pet monkey Earl

8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust

7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet blanket

6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets

5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play

4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking textbooks

3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always turns to `Nam

2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the freeway

1. His vice-principal is Pat Choate
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD PROM

10--Your date's hairstyle is best described as early Barbara Bush :confused:

9--You're slow-dancing next to your science teacher and he's dressed up as a lab skelton :eek:

8--It's scheduled for Tuesday at 10:00 AM :rolleyes:

7--Not only is the D.J. playing Bryan Adams, the D.J. is Bryan Adams :lol:

6--Instead of ice-punch bowl is chilled by the frozen head of Ted Williams :mad:

5--Principal interrupts festivities with a short film on Scientology :confused:

4--The janitor is mixing the punch with his wrench :(

3--Prom givaway is a handful of last week's sloppy-joe meat :eek: :eek:

2--It's chaperoned by Whitney Houston :cool:

1--The prom queen is named "Glenn" :lol:
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD PROM
7--Not only is the D.J. playing Bryan Adams, the D.J. is Bryan Adams
Click to expand...

Who :confused:

Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts


10. Because of paperwork, his rescues generally take 3 to 5 business days

9. That white stuff on his nose? Ranch dressing

8. When waves destroy a sand castle, frantically searches for tiny people

7. If swimmers go out too far, gets their attention by firing a spear-gun at them

6. When sitting in the lifeguard stand, insists on wearing a bib

5. Will only come to the rescue of people named "Larry"

4. Has a paralyzing fear of terry cloth

3. He's engaged to his whistle

2. Last week someone needed assistance and he said, "Ah screw it - - let Aquaman take this one"

1. Keeps trying to give himself CPR
 
TOP TEN WORST SUMMER JOBS

10--Deposed Iraqi dictator :mad:

9--The New York Times fact checker :rolleyes:

8--French ambassador to the United States :(

7--Sidewalk Santa :lol:

6--Any job where you wear a uniform that reads "Mets" :)

5--Siegfried and or/Roy :confused:

4--Hillary Clinton for president campaign manager :D

3--Satellite dish salesman in Amish country :D

2--James Brolin?????

1--The Late Show staff member :lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE HEADED FOR SUMMER SCHOOL

10--You failed the Pledge of Allegiance :(

9--You take notes with the eraser end of the pencil :lol:

8--You identify more than half of the state capitals as "Funkytown" :rolleyes:

7--Principal's final words before summer break--"See ya tomorrow" :confused:

6--For your civics class project-you brought in several photos of Honda Civics :D

5--Whenever you enter the room-your family suddenly stops talking about Disneyland :(

4--Your history report was on President Martin Sheen :rolleyes:

3--In your physics final-you keep referring to "gravity" and "gravy" :p

2--Latest report card includes several G's :eek:

1-You threw a phone at the principal :mad:
 
Top Ten Signs You've Had A Lame Summer


10. Instead of sunburn, you have large red mark where you accidentally leaned against stove

9. Your only summer fling was kissing grandma during visit

8. That "Alan Keyes in 2000" tattoo

7. Only fireworks you saw were when your Firestone tires blew up on the highway

6. You just woke up with a vicious hangover and a "Happy New Year" hat

5. Your big summer trip -- when the guards let you out of solitary for a smoke

4. Went on a trip to West Nile and caught the New York virus

3. Only time you saw sunshine was when "Survivor" was on

2. Your phone number is one digit off from the Firestone recall hotline

1. You're a pro golfer and your name ain't "Tiger"
 
TOP TEN WAYS THE MAFIA CAN IMPROVE IT'S IMAGE

10--After whacking guy-stick around to help with the cleanup :mad:

9--Appeal to the younger generation by changing the spelling of "Mafia" to "Maphia" :lol:

8--Goodbye cement shoes-hello comfortable Rockport ;)

7--Rub out that annoying kid in the Dell commercials :rolleyes:

6--Gala "Mafia Awards" cermony hosted by Hollywood's brightest stars :D

5--New strong-arm tactic-take somone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again!

4--Oh I don't know-maybe stop killing everybody :devil:

3--Three words- Mafia Book Club :lol:

2--Don't just say you're dumping a body in New Jersey-say you're dumping a body in New Jersey-home of the soon to-be-world-champion METS!!! :D

1--Every once in a while-make someone an offer they CAN refuse :lol: :D
 
TOP TEN SIGNS GAS IS REALLY EXPENSIVE

10--It's so expensive, Batman is patrolling the streets on a Schwinn :lol:

9--It's so expensive, mobsters are dousing snitches with olive oil :eek:

8--It's so expensive, Domino's only delivers within walking distance :p

7--It's so expensive, moviegoers flock to "RV" just to see someone driving :D

6--It's so expensive, Tom Cruise agreed to be a guest for 5 gallons of unleaded :lol:

5--It's so expensive, you're actually willing to carpool with Regis :mad:

4--It's so expensive, Starbucks is seliing Gasaccino :p

3--It's so expensive, it's negatively influencing our foreign policy, hurting millions of hardworking Americans and threatning to throw our economy into absolute chaos :eek:

2--It's so expensive, Anna Nicole Smith married the night manager of a Texaco :D :lol:

1--It's so expensive, Britney Spears' baby is driving a Prius- (don't know what that is)?
 
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