Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
OMG those are all hiliarious- 
DAVES TOP TEN
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Thanks desertwind
Top Ten Signs You've Had A Bad Summer
10. Your name includes words "Gary" and "Condit"
9. You don't know who Juanita is, but her name is tattooed on your back
8. You hold the Disney World record for most times throwing up inside a costume
7. This is your swimming pool
(footage of a bear in a swimming pool)
6. You play for the Boston Red Sox
5. You don't sell ice cream, but your girlfriend calls you "Mr. Softee"
4. This is your pool
(footage of a moose in a swimming pool)
3. You live in a country where the economy is tanking and your idiot President decides to take a month off
2. You finally visit the Hamptons and you wind up under a Mercedes SUV
1. In the Anne Heche office pool, you had "lesbian"
Top Ten Signs You're Talking To A Bad Phone Psychic
10. Only thing she can predict: last night's winning lottery numbers
9. Her rate: 25 cents for the first minute, 75 dollars each additional minute
8. It took her three questions to determine your sex
7. Insists you put all of your money on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
6. She starts asking you about her future
5. Tells you your name is Eli W. Thornburgh but your name is actually Eli S. Thornburgh
4. On the phone you hear the unmistakable rattle of a magic 8 ball
3. Told President Clinton, "Go for it, honey. No one will find out"
2. Answers phone, "Larry speaking, I mean Ms. Cleo"
1. Predicted tonight's "Late Show" was going to be the best ever!
Top Ten Signs You've Had A Bad Summer
10. Your name includes words "Gary" and "Condit"
9. You don't know who Juanita is, but her name is tattooed on your back
8. You hold the Disney World record for most times throwing up inside a costume
7. This is your swimming pool
(footage of a bear in a swimming pool)
6. You play for the Boston Red Sox
5. You don't sell ice cream, but your girlfriend calls you "Mr. Softee"
4. This is your pool
(footage of a moose in a swimming pool)
3. You live in a country where the economy is tanking and your idiot President decides to take a month off
2. You finally visit the Hamptons and you wind up under a Mercedes SUV
1. In the Anne Heche office pool, you had "lesbian"
Top Ten Signs You're Talking To A Bad Phone Psychic
10. Only thing she can predict: last night's winning lottery numbers
9. Her rate: 25 cents for the first minute, 75 dollars each additional minute
8. It took her three questions to determine your sex
7. Insists you put all of your money on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
6. She starts asking you about her future
5. Tells you your name is Eli W. Thornburgh but your name is actually Eli S. Thornburgh
4. On the phone you hear the unmistakable rattle of a magic 8 ball
3. Told President Clinton, "Go for it, honey. No one will find out"
2. Answers phone, "Larry speaking, I mean Ms. Cleo"
1. Predicted tonight's "Late Show" was going to be the best ever!
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD OUTSIDE "THE DA VINCI CODE"
10--So what other movies has Da Vinci done? :lol:
9--Would Jesus prefer Good & Plenty or Raisinets?
8--I've seen a fair number of codes in my day, but that was the Da Vinciest!
7-- I couldn't see anything over the Pope's crazy hat!
6--They want us to believe fishsticks were served at the last supper
5-Can I get a discounted ticket if my name is Vince?
4--Nine bucks a ticket, now that's blasphemy---am I right people? :devil:
3--They could have done without the cameo by Larry The Cable Guy :lol:
2--Are you sure L. Ron Hubbard didn't have anything to do with this?
1--One senior citizen ticket, Mr. Letterman?
10--So what other movies has Da Vinci done? :lol:
9--Would Jesus prefer Good & Plenty or Raisinets?
8--I've seen a fair number of codes in my day, but that was the Da Vinciest!
7-- I couldn't see anything over the Pope's crazy hat!
6--They want us to believe fishsticks were served at the last supper
5-Can I get a discounted ticket if my name is Vince?
4--Nine bucks a ticket, now that's blasphemy---am I right people? :devil:
3--They could have done without the cameo by Larry The Cable Guy :lol:
2--Are you sure L. Ron Hubbard didn't have anything to do with this?
1--One senior citizen ticket, Mr. Letterman?
Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend
10. Camping alone outside the theater.
9. My force is no longer with me.
8. The Death Star is not yet operational.
7. The Empire's striking out.
6. Shaking hands with the wookie.
5. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet.
4. Oiling the droid.
3. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe.
2. Spending the night with Han Solo.
1. Tractor beam not powerful enough.
Love to make fun of Star Wars.
10. Camping alone outside the theater.
9. My force is no longer with me.
8. The Death Star is not yet operational.
7. The Empire's striking out.
6. Shaking hands with the wookie.
5. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet.
4. Oiling the droid.
3. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe.
2. Spending the night with Han Solo.
1. Tractor beam not powerful enough.
Love to make fun of Star Wars.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
:lol:
TOP TEN SIGNS THERE'S TROUBLE IN THE CLINTON MARRIAGE
10--During sex, Bill's been calling out the name of divorce lawyers
9--She's voting for Taylor Hick's, he's voting for Katherine McPhee
8--ABC's fall line up features Bill as the next bachelor
7--Their last public appearance was on Maury
6--Forget Africa, when Bill's loooking for a troubled region-he goes to their bedroom
5--Wistful way Bill talks about happier times---like the impeachment
4--Everywhere you look in the house, interns
3--There have been a lot of "fact finding" trips to Stiletto's Gentlemen's Club
2--It's gotten so bad even Hillary's cheating
1--Bill's calling Charlie Sheen for advice :devil:
TOP TEN SIGNS THERE'S TROUBLE IN THE CLINTON MARRIAGE
10--During sex, Bill's been calling out the name of divorce lawyers
9--She's voting for Taylor Hick's, he's voting for Katherine McPhee
8--ABC's fall line up features Bill as the next bachelor
7--Their last public appearance was on Maury
6--Forget Africa, when Bill's loooking for a troubled region-he goes to their bedroom
5--Wistful way Bill talks about happier times---like the impeachment
4--Everywhere you look in the house, interns
3--There have been a lot of "fact finding" trips to Stiletto's Gentlemen's Club
2--It's gotten so bad even Hillary's cheating
1--Bill's calling Charlie Sheen for advice :devil:
So funny, God I love Clinton Jokes.
Top Ten Possible First Lines For Monica Lewinsky's Book
10. "Even as a baby, my parents noticed I had an unusual attachment to my pacifier."
9. "'Give me all your hot, intern love,' said the big creep."
8. "It was a dark and windowless corridor."
7. "Dear Penthouse: I never thought I would be writing one of these letters..."
6. "I knew someday I'd go down in history."
5. "Like, I hate hate hate hate hate hate Linda Tripp."
4. "Does this font make me look fat?"
3. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times -- na, it was mostly bad."
2. "By the time you read this, I'll be on to my next president..."
1. "Me and my big mouth!"
Top Ten Possible First Lines For Monica Lewinsky's Book
10. "Even as a baby, my parents noticed I had an unusual attachment to my pacifier."
9. "'Give me all your hot, intern love,' said the big creep."
8. "It was a dark and windowless corridor."
7. "Dear Penthouse: I never thought I would be writing one of these letters..."
6. "I knew someday I'd go down in history."
5. "Like, I hate hate hate hate hate hate Linda Tripp."
4. "Does this font make me look fat?"
3. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times -- na, it was mostly bad."
2. "By the time you read this, I'll be on to my next president..."
1. "Me and my big mouth!"
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
FUNNYTOP TEN WAYS TO DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP'S HAIR
10--Odd
9--Pecuilar :lol:
8--Windswept
7--Trunpy
6--Strangely hypnotic
5--Wiggy
4--Stylish (dumb guys only)
3--Unbe-weave-able
2--Proof money can't buy everything
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN WAYS GAS STATIONS ARE TRYING TO KEEP CUSTOMERS HAPPY
10--Buy 10 gallons, get 11th gallon for only $8.50
9--Rest room keys now on even bigger cumbersome sticks :lol:
8--Finally admitting "Ultra" is exact same crap as "Regular"
7--Want to smoke by the pumps? Go nuts :devil:
6--Allow customers to pay for tank of gas in just 15 easy payments
5--Kids can jump around in a pit full of old sparksplugs
4--Doesn't paying $40 for gas make you feel sort of like Bill Gates? :lol:
3--Texaco features fas pumped by one of the dorks kicked off 'Survivor" Island
2--Many attendants learning to say "Thank you, dumbass" in Arabic
1--On request, they'll squeegee you
10--Buy 10 gallons, get 11th gallon for only $8.50
9--Rest room keys now on even bigger cumbersome sticks :lol:
8--Finally admitting "Ultra" is exact same crap as "Regular"
7--Want to smoke by the pumps? Go nuts :devil:
6--Allow customers to pay for tank of gas in just 15 easy payments
5--Kids can jump around in a pit full of old sparksplugs
4--Doesn't paying $40 for gas make you feel sort of like Bill Gates? :lol:
3--Texaco features fas pumped by one of the dorks kicked off 'Survivor" Island
2--Many attendants learning to say "Thank you, dumbass" in Arabic
1--On request, they'll squeegee you
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR STORES AT THE MALL
10--The Country's Best Unrefrigerated Yogurt
9--Gap For People Who Have Been Suspended By Kenneth Starr
8--Uncle Earl's Old Tyme Appendix Exchange :lol:
7--Neil's Diamonds
6--Big and Tall and Gay Shop
5--Mrs. Field's Chocolate Chip Sheep Intestines
4--Everything For $230,000
3--Bed-Bath and Bea Arthur :lol:
2--The Warner Bros. Studio Whorehouse :devil:
1--Nenetton
10--The Country's Best Unrefrigerated Yogurt
9--Gap For People Who Have Been Suspended By Kenneth Starr
8--Uncle Earl's Old Tyme Appendix Exchange :lol:
7--Neil's Diamonds
6--Big and Tall and Gay Shop
5--Mrs. Field's Chocolate Chip Sheep Intestines
4--Everything For $230,000
3--Bed-Bath and Bea Arthur :lol:
2--The Warner Bros. Studio Whorehouse :devil:
1--Nenetton
G
Guest
Guest
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In A Supermarket
10. "My uncle ate that crap once. Two weeks later, he was dead"
9. "Wanna feel me to see if I'm ripe?"
8. "Did I ever tell you about the time I nailed Sara Lee?"
7. "I can give you a good deal on some bald eagle meat"
6. "J. Lo engaged? That two-timing bitch!"
5. "This'll be perfect to hide that hitchhiker I killed"
4. "If I count more than 10 items, so help me, I'll beat you with a French bread"
3. "Security! It's Winona!"
2. "Does this taste funny?"
1. "Clean-up, aisle 4!"
10. "My uncle ate that crap once. Two weeks later, he was dead"
9. "Wanna feel me to see if I'm ripe?"
8. "Did I ever tell you about the time I nailed Sara Lee?"
7. "I can give you a good deal on some bald eagle meat"
6. "J. Lo engaged? That two-timing bitch!"
5. "This'll be perfect to hide that hitchhiker I killed"
4. "If I count more than 10 items, so help me, I'll beat you with a French bread"
3. "Security! It's Winona!"
2. "Does this taste funny?"
1. "Clean-up, aisle 4!"
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
5. "This'll be perfect to hide that hitchhiker I killed"
2. "Does this taste funny?"
:lol: :lol: :lol: good ones
TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NEW YORK CITY
10--That rat's big enough to wear a saddle
9--You can get a cab from JFK to midtown for only $250
8--When are they going to start drilling for oil in Central Park? :lol:
7--The city seems to have solved it's King Kong problem
6--New York is the city that never sleeps and I'm the president who sleeps 15 hours a night
5--Too many Clintons
4- Giuliani gets rid of all the strip clubs and people say I'm dumb :lol:
3--Foreign guys always buy yellow cars
2--There's a giant green lady with a torch!!! run for your lives!!
1--What a friendly town---5 ladies in Times Square asked if I'd like to have sex!!! :devil:
2. "Does this taste funny?"
:lol: :lol: :lol: good ones
TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NEW YORK CITY
10--That rat's big enough to wear a saddle
9--You can get a cab from JFK to midtown for only $250
8--When are they going to start drilling for oil in Central Park? :lol:
7--The city seems to have solved it's King Kong problem
6--New York is the city that never sleeps and I'm the president who sleeps 15 hours a night
5--Too many Clintons
4- Giuliani gets rid of all the strip clubs and people say I'm dumb :lol:
3--Foreign guys always buy yellow cars
2--There's a giant green lady with a torch!!! run for your lives!!
1--What a friendly town---5 ladies in Times Square asked if I'd like to have sex!!! :devil:
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BASEBALL ANTHEMS
10--Take Me Out To The Corporate-Sponsored Megaplex :lol:
9--Scratch My Groin For The Cameras
8-Trade Me Off To Toronto
7--Buy Me Some Expensive Counterfeit Sports Memorabilla
6--Why's My Girlfrind Kissing Jeter?
5--Puffy Shoots-Shoots-Shoots At The Night Club :devil:
4--My Ass Looks Slimmer In Pinstripes
3--Let's Root-Root-Root For The Cubbies, If They Don't Win---Actually, That Won't Be A Big Surprise!
2--Sex Is Fun At The Ballpark-Buck Naked In The Stands!
1--For It's One-Two Strikes You're Out 'Cuz The Ump Is A Drunk!
10--Take Me Out To The Corporate-Sponsored Megaplex :lol:
9--Scratch My Groin For The Cameras
8-Trade Me Off To Toronto
7--Buy Me Some Expensive Counterfeit Sports Memorabilla
6--Why's My Girlfrind Kissing Jeter?
5--Puffy Shoots-Shoots-Shoots At The Night Club :devil:
4--My Ass Looks Slimmer In Pinstripes
3--Let's Root-Root-Root For The Cubbies, If They Don't Win---Actually, That Won't Be A Big Surprise!
2--Sex Is Fun At The Ballpark-Buck Naked In The Stands!
1--For It's One-Two Strikes You're Out 'Cuz The Ump Is A Drunk!
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Cruise Ship
10. Ports of call are Fiji, Tahiti and that island from "Lost"
Joshua D., Oklahoma City, OK
9. You overhear the captain saying, "The steering isn't as responsive as on my old Valdez"
Paul D., Halifax, NS
8. Crew members are always wearing their life vests
Roger H., Redmond, WA
7. Passengers must adhere to complete silence and be willing to eat placenta
Barbara C., Washington, DC
6. Passengers asked to leave DNA samples at the consierge desk
Gary W., Los, Gatos
5. Onboard entertainment headliner is a Kevin Federline impersonator
Bill S., Federal Way, WA
4. The dinner buffet is "All The Shrimp You Can Catch"
John McG., Pitcairn, PA
3. You're invited to sit at the captain's table and the only seat left is on his lap
Randy J., King, NC
2. The Minnesota Vikings are on board
David Y., Portland, OR
1. "Hello, I'm Captain Billy Joel"
Bruce A., Fairfax Station, VA
10. Ports of call are Fiji, Tahiti and that island from "Lost"
Joshua D., Oklahoma City, OK
9. You overhear the captain saying, "The steering isn't as responsive as on my old Valdez"
Paul D., Halifax, NS
8. Crew members are always wearing their life vests
Roger H., Redmond, WA
7. Passengers must adhere to complete silence and be willing to eat placenta
Barbara C., Washington, DC
6. Passengers asked to leave DNA samples at the consierge desk
Gary W., Los, Gatos
5. Onboard entertainment headliner is a Kevin Federline impersonator
Bill S., Federal Way, WA
4. The dinner buffet is "All The Shrimp You Can Catch"
John McG., Pitcairn, PA
3. You're invited to sit at the captain's table and the only seat left is on his lap
Randy J., King, NC
2. The Minnesota Vikings are on board
David Y., Portland, OR
1. "Hello, I'm Captain Billy Joel"
Bruce A., Fairfax Station, VA
AlyssaluvsDanny
Coroner
:lol: Those are funny. I really like number seven!
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