The Rant & I Cannot Say This Out Loud Thread

To my family (again)
Why is me being here so strange? Who do I have to hide everything and make up lies? Cause I know you'll never respect and accept my way of living.
I have to hide my scars, lie about my friends, fight about them with you, fight even more with mom when it comes to the club and you just keep comparing me to my freaking sister!
Forget it.. I will never be good enough! I will never be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough! She is always better and mom, no matter how much weight I'll loose you'll still call me overweight. Does the word obsession ring a bell to you?!
You're ruining everything I have left, which isn't much to begin with!

 

Awwe, thanks *hugs back*
To my dance teacher: Grrr. You make me want to scream! you took over my whole weekend last weekend and now you want to again this weekend. It's not my fault if you don't have a life and have to call in all your dancers on a sunday so you have something to do. I had plans. I couldn't friay because I had to baby sit last minute for veronica, I can't tonight because i'm dancing, i might not be able to tomorrow because i'm dancing! why make us all come in. none of us want to be there. i can't have a life of my own if i'm always dancing!! just don't make us practice all weekend again. if we're not good enough yet then wwe'll never be. so leave us alone, or at least leave me alone!

 

to my friends:
I'm NOT here to entertain you, stop taking advantage of how nice and caring I am of your feelings. One day it's going to run out and I'm going to be an ass hole like all of you.

 

To the big man: Thanks a whole lot. I have been asking for you to help me get over him and I asked you to do it in the nicest possible way (e.g. to just spontaneously lose interest in him, like all the other men I have been interested in), but you could not do that, could you? You had to go and hit me with information that could just possibly be the hardest thing possible for me to deal with right now. I don't know much about love, but I feel like my heart has been ripped straight out of my chest and the pain is unbearable. I don't even have any idea how to handle this because I have never felt for someone like this guy.

To myself: Here you go again not listening to yourself. Your conscious told you not to do it, but you had to go and do it, didn't you? You did wonder a lot how awfully suspicious that someone that wonderful was not taken. Boy, were you wrong! And seeing the fiancee didn't help much. It only reminded you more of how you are not good enough for him or pretty enough or enough of anything for him. Just give up already! You always lose anyway!

 

:lol: I do that too, sometimes... Okay, so alot. So...

To myself: Stop staring at him in geography and religion class. I'm surprized no one has noticed. And for gosh sakes get up the nerve to talk to him! If you want him to notice you then freaking talk to him. Why do you have to be so shy around the people you like? You hate B so much for being all over him but you won't even talk to him very much? GAH, just open your damn mouth.

To B: Why do you have to be such a b*tch! That was so rude to ask me that. And not only that, but you lied so you could get what you want. I know it's just seat but still, it's rude. And like I'm not always on the end. Just because I'm the shy person who doesn't talk in that class doesn't mean you can push me around like that.

To self: Don't let her push you around like that! You should have said no. Even J said you should sit there.

To mom: WHY did you have to fall asleep? I mean is 11:30 really too late for you to stay up till? That was so ebarrassing to have to get my friend's mom to drive me home, and even when I was there you didn't hear the phone or the doorbell! Ugh! Then I have to go back to her house and THEN you show up like 20 minutes later saying you fell asleep. *sighs*

I feel better now. Bad week.

ETA: I almost forgot.

To teacher: You are seriously SO stupid. The only reason you got the job was because of your daughter, and now I'm probably going to do sucky in religion because you're a sucky teacher. I miss my original teacher or the nun. Go away. OH, and you *totally* were racist on Friday. I can't believe you kicked him out of class for speaking up. I'm so glad he did, because you were so wrong to say that. Then, even after we all say you definatly were racist, you just go on saying its okay for you to say that because it's your race you were talking about. IT IS NOT okay to do that. And what are you talking about us being nice Canadians or something? You said all Canadians were nice? WTF is wrong with you? How do you know all Canadians are nice? Oh and then you get your daughter (aka vice principal) to lucture him that it was okay for you to be racist because some stories need details! There is a line between details and racial comments, dumba$$! And stop saying that my class is going to turn around and like you, because we never will. So don't get your hopes up.

 

To myself:
Don't let anything else influence the choices you're making right now. Keep listening to your heart cause only it knows what is right for you. No one can tell me.

To my mother:
You keep making up idiotic reasons to start another fight with me. And if we're not fighting, you ignore me as if I don't exist. I don't know what hurts more. I really wanna get out of this house now and can't wait to leave you. I should probably feel good about having a mother but at these moments, I rather see I had none at all. It already feels that way anyway.

to my beloved teacher
Damn! Still two and a half weeks before I get to talk to you again. I might be around you on Wednesday. I hope you're coming too. It would be nice.
Or else I will just be hanging around the classrooms I know you're in. I tracked down your schedule again and I know where you are. I found your phone number and I found your adress. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it..

*Edit* You got me.. I lost this battle.. You made me do it again. And now I gotta deal with the pain and the scars again. I betrayed my own beliefs. Thanks for making me fall. So much for friends or family if you make me hurt myself again. Its that obvious. No one cares.

 

Dear Evil Flatmates.
Gah, I hate you all so much! Every single one of you! You do all your little fun things together and tell me all about it afterwards. Never beforehand because then you would have to invite me. You all made a roast dinner today and didn't ask me if I wanted any, then sat down and ate it at the table right beside me, like the lovely little nuclear family that you are. I don't care that you don't accept me as one of you because then at least I don't have to be like you.

Art College is a bugger. It's half past three and I am handing in my portfolio tomorrow. If I don't get into Illustration then this whole year will have been a big waste of a lot of time and money. If I don't get in I am going back home, to Northern Ireland. I like Scotland, but Dundee makes me want to slit my throat. If it weren't for Sandy, Arron, and Graeme I don't know what I would do. I miss my mum. I miss my cats. It will absolutely kill me if Daisy gets a place on the course and I don't. She doesn't deserve it. She is one of the evil flatmates team. I have worked so hard for this.

I have worked so hard this year and everything that could have possibly gone wrong for me has.

Tricky, you are my shining light. I know you hate it when I call you that but you are my boy nursie. I can't wait to get our pet rat and the new flat in June.

 

Awwe Tuffel21 said: I care *Gives the biggest hug ever*

To Mom: I phone you today and all you can talk about is your boyfriend. What you two did today and such. Yes it's gerat that you're happy, But I don't want to hear every minute of it! I will never be old enough to joke aroung about sex with you. Mom's arent supposed to even think about sex, let alone make jokes and whatever else!

To Dad: You're so stupid! What kind of person goes up against the grand jury without a lawyer! yes, you plead guilty, that's great, but why are you so arrogant. 'no, i don't need anyone, i don't need a lawyer' I thought you wanted to be home soon. You already missed my Grad, do you want to miss my sister's? Hell, you haven't been in my life for years, I haven't seen you in years. I try so hard, and I hope so much. My dreams are always crushed. a lawyer cou;d have gotten you less time. I would have been able to see you before I forget you...

To law people: I HATE you! You said that my dad would be in canada in the first 6 months. Then you said in the first year, then by summer, then by september, then by two years. It's been over two and a half years. What are you doing? My littlest sister hardly remembers her dad. She jokes about him being locked up. Is that what you want? I know you haven't been giving him any of my letters since december. What is the harm in me telling him when I have a bad day? I'm trying to be normal. pretend that everythings okay. I haven't had any contact with him since January 12. How is he doing? is he hurt? how did his trial with the grand jury go? I don't know because you won't let us have any contact with hi. You wont even give him the pictures I drew of my sisters. Please just do something...

 

^^ hugs for the thing with your dad. I have dad issues too and I hope yours get sorted out soon.

Keep smiling!

 

To myself..

You're gonna make it. Its gonna be May 9th.. You'll do great. You did a great job writing your essay, you'll do a great job taking the oral test and defending it. You know you're gonna be good. You're gonna graduate You'll be fine.

I just gotta believe it yet.

 

To my roommate: I am going to seriously hit you! Okay, I'm not actually going to hit you, but you should sushh your stupid guitar. It's all like "I sound like crap and I'm really loud and annoying" yeah, you shoudl shut it.

To lover boy: You are my friend. But you are weird. You avoid me, then you stare at me, then you call me, at 10PM, after you ditch me. :lol: You are one weird person.

To Allie: You laugh annoyingly. And you get tangled in a web of skin!!! Bahahaha! Seriously, you are sooooooo annoying. But I love you. OH yeah, next time you call yourself stupid when you're 9% away from perfect, I'm not going to talk to you for like, a month (no joke).

 

Thank you I am doing better now. Thanks for caring..

 

To this guy:
Perhaps there's a reason why I don't reply to your emails. Ever thought that I might not feel the same way and I couldnt' care less what do you feel? No, I don't want to meet you, I've moved on and mostly left everyone behind who I knew back then. Yeah, we had funny moments during the math classes but move on y'know. I simply don't care.
As simple as that.

To one of our teachers: You are a bitch, you know that? This education is planned from student's point of view and how it works the best in their own life and work and you totally ignore it because one written text is two days late. I've never liked you but now I hate you. Too bad I still have to deal with you and I know you are not going to like how we handle things here and will probably give me a bad grade but you know what? I don't fucking care. Thanks to you and your "i won't change my mind and I don't give chances to people" my friend won't graduate. For two years she's been at school as well as she can be because has two little kids and work at home and now, because of you she won't graduate. I'm sure you get some kind of satisfaction over this.

 

To Lieske:

I know i dont tell enough about me or my true feelings. But i am so happy you get and understand me. But this is also very scary because i cant hide any more. I know I am afraid to show my feelings or take myself serious. Its is scary because I dont know how I will react i've i let my feelings be real to real. I dont know i've i exployd or be afraid of myself. I dont control them yet. But I will try to get better and accept my feelings and take myself serious. I will try it but i dont know i've I can get there. Its to scary to take my mask of and being myself.

To my neighbour business:

Dont scare me so much, i totaly schocked by seeing this firetruck stopping next to my window and seeing people run.
I am totaly scared now and wondering what happend I hope everything is okay and nobody is hurt or something like that. I really am scared I hate those sirenes and now I am afraid to get to bed later on this evening. Arggg I hate my own thougts.. They drives me crazy.. I am so in panic now that i dont know how to get less scared or restless..

 

I have said this out loud, trust me.

To those 5th and 6th graders with the exam thing, why the hell did you flatten my tires? I am so mad, this bike was brand new and what the hell gives you the right to touch my bike and flatten my tires? I am so mad, seriously. Especially now when the whole tire is broken and I need to cycle to work tomorrow. I did too, today. Blahblah blah. I know it's childish of me but I am so mad. Stay off my stuff!