Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
AlyssaluvsDanny
Coroner
jorja_fan those pics are really hilarious!! Sometimes, i have really blonde moments, like the dildo joke!!
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(the shoplifters dream)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
(oops too late)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.(not cold...awwww)
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.(I was hoping that it would me wired)
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(the shoplifters dream)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
(oops too late)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.(not cold...awwww)
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.(I was hoping that it would me wired)
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Blond Guy and HIs Lunch
There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this building.
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else." Finally, the blonde man's wife said ''I don't know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''
There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this building.
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else." Finally, the blonde man's wife said ''I don't know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''
snickerbug
Hit and Run
Another blonde joke.
Okay, a blond was sitting at a table trying to put together a puzzle. She couldn't figure it out so she called her friend, who was very good at puzzles. He asks her what it's supposed to be. She answers a, "a tiger." He comes over and he stares at the mess on the table. He stares back at her and says, "First off, there is no way I can make this into a tiger. Second off, I suggest you put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
Okay, a blond was sitting at a table trying to put together a puzzle. She couldn't figure it out so she called her friend, who was very good at puzzles. He asks her what it's supposed to be. She answers a, "a tiger." He comes over and he stares at the mess on the table. He stares back at her and says, "First off, there is no way I can make this into a tiger. Second off, I suggest you put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
onenightstand
Pathologist
Here's one I htink is awsome!!!
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
^^ I like that one a lot. :lol:
A blind man walks into a bar and asks another man, "Wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The guy said, "Ok, look. I'm a blonde, the bartender behind me is blonde, the champion wrestler to the left of you is blonde, the guy holding a lighter to the right is blonde, and the man that just walked in through the door is blonde. Still want to tell that dumb blonde joke?"
The blind man thought a minute and said, "No, I don't want to explain it 5 times."
A blind man walks into a bar and asks another man, "Wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The guy said, "Ok, look. I'm a blonde, the bartender behind me is blonde, the champion wrestler to the left of you is blonde, the guy holding a lighter to the right is blonde, and the man that just walked in through the door is blonde. Still want to tell that dumb blonde joke?"
The blind man thought a minute and said, "No, I don't want to explain it 5 times."
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
:lol: Thank you so much for posting that! I almost p!ssed my pants from laughing at the joke so much. I'm gonna tell everyone I know that joke. Good stuff!
onenightstand
Pathologist
Hah, i'm gonna tell everyone too :lol:
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
This is not intended to insult anyone...
Why do Mexicans have tamales on Christmas?
So they have something to unwrap.
---------------------------------------------------------
This one is sort of gross...
One day a boy and his father were at the park and the boy saw to dogs having sex.
"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?"
"They're baking cakes."
The next day the boy's mother took him to the zoo and the boy saw to bears having sex.
"Mommy, what are those bears doing?"
"They're baking cakes"
The same day the boys mother and father have sex.
The next day the boy told his parents, "I know what you two were doing yesterday."
"What were we doing son?" the mother replied.
"You two were baking cakes."
"How do you know?" the father asked.
"I just licked the icing off the sheets."
ewwwwww...huh?
Why do Mexicans have tamales on Christmas?
So they have something to unwrap.
---------------------------------------------------------
This one is sort of gross...
One day a boy and his father were at the park and the boy saw to dogs having sex.
"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?"
"They're baking cakes."
The next day the boy's mother took him to the zoo and the boy saw to bears having sex.
"Mommy, what are those bears doing?"
"They're baking cakes"
The same day the boys mother and father have sex.
The next day the boy told his parents, "I know what you two were doing yesterday."
"What were we doing son?" the mother replied.
"You two were baking cakes."
"How do you know?" the father asked.
"I just licked the icing off the sheets."
ewwwwww...huh?