Jokes Thread

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
 
Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly, "I know that carrying a torch with keep lions away."
"True," the guide replied. "But it depends on how fast you carry the torch."


And yes, I love those Garfield comics! He's just too funny.
 
Shine said:
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh, I'm using that one!
 
The Creation of West Virginia

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days .Eventually, Michael the Archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to different countries."This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's West Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and mountains. The people from West Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Kentucky, Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maryland.


Only someone who is from West Virginia will forward this!!!
 
David Beckham was at a press conference and was answering a question:

"Yeah, I like 'em. You can get mint ones, orange ones, lime ones and the lemon ones make Cruz's face go all wrinkled.

The reporter then said "I asked about TACTICS, ya pratt!"
-------
Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful daughter. The king agrees to give them a chance, but they must perform three difficult tasks: defeat an ogre, turn lead to gold, and screw a cow. The first man dies fighting the ogre, the second fails at turning lead to gold, but the third man successfully completes all three tasks.
"Congratulations!" says the king. "You may now have my daughter's hand in marriage."
"Screw that," says the man. "I want the cow."
 
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
----------------------------

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.

"So, Chelsea," says her mother, "you've been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"

"Well," says Chelsea, "not according to Dad."
 
ROTFLMAO @ needmorecsi :lol: Very true.

The one I'm sharing with you is from my fool brother :D

*at school* The teacher asks:
-If there's 25 birds on a tree and you shoot one, how many stays there?
Aaron says:
-All of them flies away.
Teacher:
-No, 24 stays there, but I appreciate your logic, Aaron.
Aaron:
-May I ask something, madam?
Teacher:
You may.
Aaron:
-3 women walk on the street eating ice cream. One licks it, one sucks it and one bites it. Which is married?
Teacher:
-The one who sucks it.
Aaron:
-No, the one who wears a wedding ring, but I appreciate your logic ;)
 
I've heard that one before as a little johnny joke. I actaully just rememberd this little jhnny joke. This takes place at school.

Little Suzie asks the teacher "Could my grandmother have another child?"

The Teacher replies "No she's too old."

Little Suzie then asks "Could my mother have another child?"

The teacher replies "Yes but it would have to be soon, since she's getting older"

Little Suzie then asks "Could I have a child?"

The teach replies "No you're much too young."

Little Johnny says "See Suzie, I told you there was nothing to worry about."
 
I put this in the baseball thread, but I figured it could be appreciated by all:

The Minnesota twins are in Chicago to play the World Champion White Sox and in the Red Eye today here are 5 Compliments for Minnesotans:
1 – Your mosquitoes are bigger than US Steel
2 – Minnesota – America’s Manitoba
3 – Nobody blames you for Jesse Ventura
4 – That big mall you got? Amazing pretzels
5 – You’re not North Dakota
 
Being a Canadian, I sort of dug "Minnesota- America's Manitoba". :lol: But they're all pretty good. :)
 
A mushroom walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry man, can't serve you here."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

fun guy = fungi.
XD
 
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