Jokes Thread

Proof guys can't please woman :

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

:lol:
 
Hillary Clinton is talking with Chelsea and asks "Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea Relpies "Not according to Dad's standards."



Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached.
 
Bird Flu hits Florida Trailer Park


florida.jpg
 
^^^ HAH! Nice one. :D

I was just watching The Daily Show last night and they were flashing back over some of the news stories they'd had in the past about Florida, and they had a bit on a guy who was fighting a law against putting lawn ornaments out, and the interviewer said, "How are people going to know it's Florida if there's no tacky shit on the lawns?" Too hilarious.
 
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM!
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
 
I think this is funny...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
 
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
-----------

Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaaah...........thank you.
-----------

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
-----------

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer stil says it can't find it...
-----------

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
-----------

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Helpdesk: Ok, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
-----------

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
 
^I love that joke! Even though I've heard it multiple times.

Another dorky science joke...

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge." And there just happens to be an electron walking around the bar who protests, "That's not fair, it should be the same for everybody." The bartender, who just happens to be a proton, replies, "Must you always be so negative?"
 
I always liked:

Why is it good to party with a mushroom?
Because it's a fungi to be around.

:p Lame, I know! :lol:
 
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees

had not phoned in sick one day, as he hadn't shown up for work.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,

he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted

with a child's whisper. "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss

asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice w! hispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave

a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's

home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,"

came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded

like a helicopter through the earpi! ece on the phone,
the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss,

now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team

just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled

giggle: "ME!"
 
This is really lame, but I came across it today and it did make me giggle a bit. :lol:


A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
 
OK, I must be lame too because that one made me laugh out loud. I sit in a cubicle so that's not good! :lol:

Just goes to show ya- sometimes it's the simplest stuff that's the funniest! :D
 
Given that it's the anniversery/day before of her death, I thought I'd post a couple tasteless Princess Diana jokes.


Why did Elton John perform at the funeral?
The Crash Test Dummies were unavailable.

What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Princess Diana?
5 days.

What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes and a puppy?
The puppy eventually stops whining.
 
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