Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
This isn't the best joke, but it's funny in it's own way, and it's not the worst joke either.
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."
ShuriyuCSI
Judge
Congestion as in nasal congestion. Dristan is an antihistomine(sp?) xD *finds both last jokes funny*
iwantboromir
CSI Level One
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, Kansas.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "if it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "that's why we ask." This happened in Birmingham, Alabama.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "what on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. She's a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.
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**They walk among us and REPRODUCE. Scary, isn't it ?
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "if it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "that's why we ask." This happened in Birmingham, Alabama.
_______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "what on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
_______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. She's a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.
_______________________________________________________
**They walk among us and REPRODUCE. Scary, isn't it ?
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
iwantboromir, those are the type of people comedian Bill Engvall talks about:
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Supermarket Problem
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
President and CEO of Supermarket Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of matches and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
---
Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take
your time. "Here's your question:
What type of animal lives in a set?" Is it:
A: Badger
B: Ferret
C: Mole
D: Cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and
see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants
to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal Lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. "Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris." "That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
:lol:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
President and CEO of Supermarket Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of matches and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
---
Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take
your time. "Here's your question:
What type of animal lives in a set?" Is it:
A: Badger
B: Ferret
C: Mole
D: Cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and
see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants
to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal Lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. "Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris." "That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
:lol:
Depth-Of-Love
Lab Technician
omg no one has ever thought this was funny except for me...wtf!
me : what do you call nuts on the wall?
you : what?
me : wallnuts!!!!!!!
hahahahahahahah omg do you get it !?!!?
and also..........what did sara say to grissom after there night in the hotel
....omg your old!
me : what do you call nuts on the wall?
you : what?
me : wallnuts!!!!!!!
hahahahahahahah omg do you get it !?!!?
and also..........what did sara say to grissom after there night in the hotel
....omg your old!
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."