CHILI_PEPPERS
Pathologist
hahaha lol good one lol!
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
The Top 16 Rejected Commandments (Part I)
16> Thou shalt not credit the Lord thy God for thy team's victory.
15> Thou shalt not not park copies of these commandments in government buildings.
14> Thou shalt remember never to tell thy wife that her new tunic makes her ass seem large.
13> Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in Spain.
12> Honor thy poodles.
11> Don't be getting all up in my face about your petty wants all the damn time, you bunch of whiners.
10> Thou shalt not freely share of the MP3s.
9> 11. Goto 1;
8> Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's big-ass flat-screen TV.
7> Mock not the names of my hurricanes, lest ye be mocked yourself.
6> Thou shalt not wear Lycra if thy figure resembles the fruit of my apple tree.
5> Thou shalt pat thy belly. Thou shalt pat thy belly again. Okay, SIMON SAYS thou shalt pat thy belly. Hands on thy head. Christ, you Jews are sharp!
4> Molest not the innocent child, lest thy visage be blanched and thy nose crumble to dust.
3> Thou needest not see any movie by Mel Gibson to prove thou art devout.
2> Thou shalt not vote for false idols, like that Clay Aiken dweeb.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Commandment...
1> Thou shalt receive the first two stone tablets for only one shekel, then a new tablet will arrive each Sabbath. If thou wantest that tablet, do nothing....
-- Copyright 2004 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.
16> Thou shalt not credit the Lord thy God for thy team's victory.
15> Thou shalt not not park copies of these commandments in government buildings.
14> Thou shalt remember never to tell thy wife that her new tunic makes her ass seem large.
13> Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in Spain.
12> Honor thy poodles.
11> Don't be getting all up in my face about your petty wants all the damn time, you bunch of whiners.
10> Thou shalt not freely share of the MP3s.
9> 11. Goto 1;
8> Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's big-ass flat-screen TV.
7> Mock not the names of my hurricanes, lest ye be mocked yourself.
6> Thou shalt not wear Lycra if thy figure resembles the fruit of my apple tree.
5> Thou shalt pat thy belly. Thou shalt pat thy belly again. Okay, SIMON SAYS thou shalt pat thy belly. Hands on thy head. Christ, you Jews are sharp!
4> Molest not the innocent child, lest thy visage be blanched and thy nose crumble to dust.
3> Thou needest not see any movie by Mel Gibson to prove thou art devout.
2> Thou shalt not vote for false idols, like that Clay Aiken dweeb.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Commandment...
1> Thou shalt receive the first two stone tablets for only one shekel, then a new tablet will arrive each Sabbath. If thou wantest that tablet, do nothing....
-- Copyright 2004 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
why did the wog go to the hospital?
coz he was fully sick
:lol: sorry i find it amusing hehe
coz he was fully sick
:lol: sorry i find it amusing hehe
AlexxWoods
CSI Level Three
ohh....JF thank god I'm not blonde :lol:
Top ten things overheard at Ronald Reagan's birthday party
10 "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?"
9 "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!"
8 "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday"
7 "Mommy make me cake! Cake good"
6 "More coffee, Quayle!"
5 "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula"
4 "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you know what I mean"
3 "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!"
2 "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!"
1 "Am I still President?"
10 "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?"
9 "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!"
8 "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday"
7 "Mommy make me cake! Cake good"
6 "More coffee, Quayle!"
5 "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula"
4 "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you know what I mean"
3 "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!"
2 "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!"
1 "Am I still President?"
draig_goch
Lab Technician
lol :lol:
These are rejected Hallmark cards.
BIRTHDAY
Front: ``My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her.'' Inside: ``So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday.''
Front: ``I wanted to give you a body piercing for your birthday.'' Inside: ``But I didn't think I could get you drunk enough to where you wouldn't feel the stapler!''
WEDDING & ENGAGEMENT
Front: ``Did I hear wedding bells?'' Inside: ``Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!''
Front: ``Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population.'' Inside: ``But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope.''
MOTHER'S DAY
Front: ``When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride.'' Inside: ``At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again.''
BIRTHDAY
Front: ``My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her.'' Inside: ``So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday.''
Front: ``I wanted to give you a body piercing for your birthday.'' Inside: ``But I didn't think I could get you drunk enough to where you wouldn't feel the stapler!''
WEDDING & ENGAGEMENT
Front: ``Did I hear wedding bells?'' Inside: ``Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!''
Front: ``Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population.'' Inside: ``But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope.''
MOTHER'S DAY
Front: ``When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride.'' Inside: ``At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again.''
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Gender of inanimate objects
You may not know that many non-living items are actually male or female,
for example:
1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2. Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tires -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part ...
5. Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.
7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.
9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but handy to have around.
10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male
but consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
-----
Memory Problems
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
You may not know that many non-living items are actually male or female,
for example:
1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2. Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tires -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part ...
5. Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.
7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.
9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but handy to have around.
10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male
but consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
-----
Memory Problems
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
AlexxWoods
CSI Level Three
ohh...JF so funny
especially the ladies
especially the ladies
draig_goch
Lab Technician
Jf egg timers= women twt twt twt
the male ones are right though they just dont know the right buttons
the male ones are right though they just dont know the right buttons
iwantboromir
CSI Level One
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.
This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?!"
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.
This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?!"
Top ten Bill Clinton future plans
Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot
Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers!
Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen...with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance
Every morning check classifieds for job openings under "Presidents"
Get bitchin' Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives
Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything
Tell Bush, "No, you take over in 2004," stay President
Same thing he did back in Arkansas - eat Crisco while watching reruns of "Bonanza"
Call Al Gore, ask for "Lou Zer," hang up
Two words: Temptation Island
Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot
Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers!
Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen...with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance
Every morning check classifieds for job openings under "Presidents"
Get bitchin' Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives
Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything
Tell Bush, "No, you take over in 2004," stay President
Same thing he did back in Arkansas - eat Crisco while watching reruns of "Bonanza"
Call Al Gore, ask for "Lou Zer," hang up
Two words: Temptation Island
ShuriyuCSI
Judge
WHY CANADIANS ARE SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear-wax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. Now I've found out the real reason I'm tired - Because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of Canada is 30 million.
11 million are retired, which leaves 19 million to do the work.
There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.
Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work.
1 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with killing terrorists, which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.
Take that from the total the 7 milliom people who work for Provincial and city Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 81200 on Employment Insurance and Welfare.
That just leaves two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear-wax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. Now I've found out the real reason I'm tired - Because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of Canada is 30 million.
11 million are retired, which leaves 19 million to do the work.
There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.
Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work.
1 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with killing terrorists, which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.
Take that from the total the 7 milliom people who work for Provincial and city Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 81200 on Employment Insurance and Welfare.
That just leaves two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
trent_bowie
Rookie
OOOOh, good one. My turn.
A man and a woman were on a date and they had a really good time so there they were in the car, just talking, right? So the couple's going chat-chat-chat, some fumbling around with the hoo-hoos and the ha-has and all of a sudden bang-bang-BANG they have sex. Three minutes later they're smoking a cigarette and breathing hard. The guy says, "Wow, that was really hot. If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have slowed down." The woman gives him this nasty look and replies, "Well, if I had know you were in such a goddamn hurry, I'd have taken my pantyhose off!"
So this guy's sits down at a bar. He looks at something in his shirt pocket, looks up then yells, "Gimme a beer!" He drinks his beer. He looks into his shirt pocket again, looks up and yells, "Gimme another beer!" And so it goes until closing time. Finally, the bartender asks the guy "Say, I've been watching you all night and I notice that you always look into your shirt pocket and then order a beer. What's up with that?" And the guys explains, "Oh, that's apicture of my wife. She's ugly as hell and I'm trying to get drunk so she'll get cute and I can go home to her. By the way, she's still butt-ugly. Gimme a beer!"
Got mama jokes?
Your mama's so dumb when you told her it was chilly outside, she ran out the house with a spoon.
Your mama's so fat she's got her own zip code.
Your mama's so nasty that her crabs have got crabs.
Your mama's so ugly, even blind drunks won't schtup her!
Your mama's so stupid she sat in her car for days waiting for the stop sign to turn green.
Your mama's ass is so big, she accidently bumped JLo and sent the bitch flying.
And here are some really lame Star Wars jokes.
If you shave yourself with your light saber...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If you've got a gun rack on your X-Wing...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If your lightsaber starts whistling Dixie every time you turn it on...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If the force field collapses and more than 500 Clone Stormtroopers die...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If the bad guy goes out of his way to tell you "I'm yer PAPPY!!!"
You might be Jedi redneck.
If the hottest chick around turns out to be your sister, and you don't care...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If you tell a Wookie he's got a purty mouth...
You might be a dead Jedi redneck. :devil:
A man and a woman were on a date and they had a really good time so there they were in the car, just talking, right? So the couple's going chat-chat-chat, some fumbling around with the hoo-hoos and the ha-has and all of a sudden bang-bang-BANG they have sex. Three minutes later they're smoking a cigarette and breathing hard. The guy says, "Wow, that was really hot. If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have slowed down." The woman gives him this nasty look and replies, "Well, if I had know you were in such a goddamn hurry, I'd have taken my pantyhose off!"
So this guy's sits down at a bar. He looks at something in his shirt pocket, looks up then yells, "Gimme a beer!" He drinks his beer. He looks into his shirt pocket again, looks up and yells, "Gimme another beer!" And so it goes until closing time. Finally, the bartender asks the guy "Say, I've been watching you all night and I notice that you always look into your shirt pocket and then order a beer. What's up with that?" And the guys explains, "Oh, that's apicture of my wife. She's ugly as hell and I'm trying to get drunk so she'll get cute and I can go home to her. By the way, she's still butt-ugly. Gimme a beer!"
Got mama jokes?
Your mama's so dumb when you told her it was chilly outside, she ran out the house with a spoon.
Your mama's so fat she's got her own zip code.
Your mama's so nasty that her crabs have got crabs.
Your mama's so ugly, even blind drunks won't schtup her!
Your mama's so stupid she sat in her car for days waiting for the stop sign to turn green.
Your mama's ass is so big, she accidently bumped JLo and sent the bitch flying.
And here are some really lame Star Wars jokes.
If you shave yourself with your light saber...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If you've got a gun rack on your X-Wing...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If your lightsaber starts whistling Dixie every time you turn it on...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If the force field collapses and more than 500 Clone Stormtroopers die...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If the bad guy goes out of his way to tell you "I'm yer PAPPY!!!"
You might be Jedi redneck.
If the hottest chick around turns out to be your sister, and you don't care...
You might be a Jedi redneck.
If you tell a Wookie he's got a purty mouth...
You might be a dead Jedi redneck. :devil: