Jokes Thread

Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
 
Little Johnny caught a butterfly in his hands and was about to kill it for his collection.
Butterfly: Pleeeaaassee...please don't kill me!!!
L.J.: Why not?
B: Bb...bbe..because today...is...today is my birthday!!!
L.J.: Oh I see! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...*sings and claps his hands*

and the butterfly dies...
 
Sensitive Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

:lol: :lol: :lol: I couldn't stop laughing when I read that!! haha!
 
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "La casa". "Pencil” however is masculine: "el lapiz".

A student asked what gender is "computer".

Instead of giving the answer the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for it recommendations.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is impossible to understand.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem and;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

:lol:
 
Okay this one is old and if its been posted i apologise, i just thought it was still funny and Still my favs.

(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. :lol:

(2) Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years.. And, we're not using it anymore." :lol:

(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. It creates a hostile work environment. :lol:
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.


As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.


He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."



Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.



It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"



"Very well," said the voice! . The light went out. And the sounds of the
forest resumed.



And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:



"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.
 
HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON ONLY!

On the second day she heard the door bell ring. She opened the door
and much to her dismay, saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said " You're not really asking me to consider you?
You have no legs."

The Old Man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you."

She snorted, "You don't have any arms either." Again he smiled,
"Nor can I beat you."

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?
With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and
said, " I rang the doorbell didn't I."
 
At first I didn't get the joke that jazzfan posted but now I can't stop laughing. Ahaha oh god that's priceless.
 
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says "And so here you face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest soccer players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe soccer to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."

God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo. "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."

God, moved by the passion of his speech, offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham: "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?".
 
:lol: Ouch! Poor Becks!

Millions of young Japanese girls would take offense at that joke! :lol:
 
Big Mac

David and Brooklyn are walking down the street when they see a sign in a fast food restaurant saying "Free Big Mac"

"Why?" David asks his little boy. "What did he do?"
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Marriage Counsellor

David is a bit worried about his marriage, so he goes to see a marriage counsellor.

"Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" she asks.

"No," replies David. "I let her sleep."
----
Speaking English

A new player was coming over from Afghanistan to play for United, after signing from Kabul FC.
It was the first day of training

Fergie: Ok....this is a balll... that is the goals....and you use your foot (points to foot) to kick the ball into the goal, got that? Kick.....Ball......Goal.

Not wanting to be rude the player interupts fergie. "I can understand english sir" he said

Fergie replied with "Shut up a second im talking to David Beckham"
 
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