Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
what do you call an elephant in a phone box?
stuck :lol:
stuck :lol:
Moses and Jesus decided to play a round of golf.
Jesus teed off and his ball sailed high out across the lake and came down right in the middle of the water, landing on a lilly pad. Moses snickered. Jesus just smiled. He walked out across the lake, squared off on the ball, took his swing and the ball flew up over the green and dropped right into the hole for an eagle.
Moses teed off and his ball sailed high out across the lake and came down almost in the same spot that Jesus had landed, but Moses' ball missed the lilly pad with a kerplunk and sunk into the lake. Jesus snickered. Moses just smiled. He walked to the edge of the lake, parted the waters, walked out to the middle of the lake and squared off on the ball. He swung true and the ball sailed up over the green and dropped right into the hole for an eagle.
Just about then a third party joined them. He teed off and landed almost precisely where Jesus and Moses had landed, but like Moses he missed the lilly pad and sunk with a kerplunk into the lake. Then suddenly a frog hopped up on the lilly pad with the golf ball in its mouth. Almost as instantly a big bird swooped down and lifted the frog in its talons, flying away. Just as they flew over the green the frog dropped the ball from its mouth, the ball hit the green, bounced twice and popped right into the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "You know, I really hate playing golf with your dad."
Jesus teed off and his ball sailed high out across the lake and came down right in the middle of the water, landing on a lilly pad. Moses snickered. Jesus just smiled. He walked out across the lake, squared off on the ball, took his swing and the ball flew up over the green and dropped right into the hole for an eagle.
Moses teed off and his ball sailed high out across the lake and came down almost in the same spot that Jesus had landed, but Moses' ball missed the lilly pad with a kerplunk and sunk into the lake. Jesus snickered. Moses just smiled. He walked to the edge of the lake, parted the waters, walked out to the middle of the lake and squared off on the ball. He swung true and the ball sailed up over the green and dropped right into the hole for an eagle.
Just about then a third party joined them. He teed off and landed almost precisely where Jesus and Moses had landed, but like Moses he missed the lilly pad and sunk with a kerplunk into the lake. Then suddenly a frog hopped up on the lilly pad with the golf ball in its mouth. Almost as instantly a big bird swooped down and lifted the frog in its talons, flying away. Just as they flew over the green the frog dropped the ball from its mouth, the ball hit the green, bounced twice and popped right into the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "You know, I really hate playing golf with your dad."
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Bob and Joe were playing a round of golf. Bob sliced the ball and it went into the woods.
Bob cries out "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
"Careful," warns Joe. "You should not take the Lord's name in vain. Please watch your language or you will be punished with. He could strike you down with lightning."
On the next hole, Bob misses an easy putt by several inches.
Again, Bob cries out "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
Joe says, "I warned you. Watch what you say. God might strike you down with lightning if you do that again."
Later in the game, Bob is in a sand trap. He swings and the ball hits a tree and bounces back into the sand.
Again, he cries out "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
Suddenly, the skies get dark with clouds, and a lightning bolt flashes out of the sky and hits Joe instead of Bob. Then a loud voice echoes all over the land. "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
Bob cries out "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
"Careful," warns Joe. "You should not take the Lord's name in vain. Please watch your language or you will be punished with. He could strike you down with lightning."
On the next hole, Bob misses an easy putt by several inches.
Again, Bob cries out "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
Joe says, "I warned you. Watch what you say. God might strike you down with lightning if you do that again."
Later in the game, Bob is in a sand trap. He swings and the ball hits a tree and bounces back into the sand.
Again, he cries out "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
Suddenly, the skies get dark with clouds, and a lightning bolt flashes out of the sky and hits Joe instead of Bob. Then a loud voice echoes all over the land. "$#%# $#%#&(@%*, I missed."
GilandSara
Lab Technician
There was one on here like this:Nick: *starts to walk in to the interrogation room in GD* *slips on gum* OW!
Cassie: *Giggles*
Director: Who left their gum on the ground?? (Cassie) was that you??
Cassie: No. It was him. *points to Paul*
Paul shakes his head
Director: Lets try that again
Nick does the same thing
Director: Who did that? Why, God, do I deserve this? I go to churuc every sundy, I pray, read my bible, everything!!
A thunder claps and a booming voice says: But you said my name in vein during rush hour yesterday!!
Cassie: Ooooh! *scolding*
Just got this email; an oldie but a goodie:
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you…
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you…
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna.
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving b*****ds at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna.
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving b*****ds at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna.
Catherinesmyidol
Coroner
OMG Chez, that was on hysterical! :lol:
Yo Momma so fat, she got hit by a bus and said "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma so stupid, she saw a yellow bus full of people and yelled "Stop that twinkie!" :lol:
I'm not trying to offend anyone with those; I just think those two are really funny.
Yo Momma so fat, she got hit by a bus and said "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma so stupid, she saw a yellow bus full of people and yelled "Stop that twinkie!" :lol:
I'm not trying to offend anyone with those; I just think those two are really funny.
^^^ My fave was:
"Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep."
:lol:
"Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep."
:lol:
G
Guest
Guest
Yo Mamma's so STINKY....
She made "Right Guard" turn Left.
She made "Right Guard" turn Left.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee."Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee."Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."