grissoms_gurl
Coroner
^^ :lol: :lol:
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
WARNING these jokes are in VERY poor taste.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
What the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?
Princess Diana wouldnt be caught dead in a Volvo.
How do you torcher a blind person?
Give them a cheese grater and tell them to read it.
How many babies does it take to paint a room?
It Depends on how hard you throw them.
What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
The Next jokes are much more offensive.
Whats black and blue and hates having sex?
The four year old girl in my trunk
Two brothers are opening presents at Christmas. The younger brother has 20 presents and the older one only has one. The younger brother says to the older one, "Haha, I have 20 presents you only have one!" The older brother replies "Haha, you have cancer."
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
What the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?
Princess Diana wouldnt be caught dead in a Volvo.
How do you torcher a blind person?
Give them a cheese grater and tell them to read it.
How many babies does it take to paint a room?
It Depends on how hard you throw them.
What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
The Next jokes are much more offensive.
Whats black and blue and hates having sex?
The four year old girl in my trunk
Two brothers are opening presents at Christmas. The younger brother has 20 presents and the older one only has one. The younger brother says to the older one, "Haha, I have 20 presents you only have one!" The older brother replies "Haha, you have cancer."
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
The Top 5 Things to Do Before You Die
5. Buy that poor Lindsay Lohan a sandwich.
4. Jump the Snake River Canyon in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, landing in a giant bun on the far side in a blaze of mustard-and-relish-splashed glory.
3. Swim with the dolphins. Better yet, hot tub with the Dolphins' cheerleaders.
2. Send away for a mail-order bride and move while she's in transit. Keep one jump ahead of her for 12 years and then refuse delivery because she doesn't look like her ad.
1. Go back in time and convince Subway's Jared Fogle to try the Krispy Kreme diet instead.
=========
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
5. Buy that poor Lindsay Lohan a sandwich.
4. Jump the Snake River Canyon in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, landing in a giant bun on the far side in a blaze of mustard-and-relish-splashed glory.
3. Swim with the dolphins. Better yet, hot tub with the Dolphins' cheerleaders.
2. Send away for a mail-order bride and move while she's in transit. Keep one jump ahead of her for 12 years and then refuse delivery because she doesn't look like her ad.
1. Go back in time and convince Subway's Jared Fogle to try the Krispy Kreme diet instead.
=========
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Ok I have one:
A woman sits crying, her husband just died last week. She sits at her computer and decides to read her e-mail.----------------->
Another woman and her husband had planned a trip the previous day but the airport screwed up and they ended up having to take different planes on different days. The husband decided to go to their destination first and told his wife he'd meet her there. When he arrives he finds out that the hotel he's at has internet, he decides to write her an e-mail. But in the process he accidently writes the wrong e-mail address and the e-mail goes elsewhere------------->
The crying woman opens her e-mail and reads "To my darling wife". Unbelivingly she opens her e-mail.
To my darling wife,
Well I just got here and I'll tell you the view is beautiful(the wife starts to belive she is actually reading her dead husbands letter), and guess what they have the internet here, pretty unbelivable for a place like this huh? Well I know it's pointless writing this because I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Well I guess I'll see you soon and I love you very much.
P.S.--It's really hot down here!
A woman sits crying, her husband just died last week. She sits at her computer and decides to read her e-mail.----------------->
Another woman and her husband had planned a trip the previous day but the airport screwed up and they ended up having to take different planes on different days. The husband decided to go to their destination first and told his wife he'd meet her there. When he arrives he finds out that the hotel he's at has internet, he decides to write her an e-mail. But in the process he accidently writes the wrong e-mail address and the e-mail goes elsewhere------------->
The crying woman opens her e-mail and reads "To my darling wife". Unbelivingly she opens her e-mail.
To my darling wife,
Well I just got here and I'll tell you the view is beautiful(the wife starts to belive she is actually reading her dead husbands letter), and guess what they have the internet here, pretty unbelivable for a place like this huh? Well I know it's pointless writing this because I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Well I guess I'll see you soon and I love you very much.
P.S.--It's really hot down here!
That one's great!
This one's kind of bad, but . . .
A man who worked in one of the Twin Towers was having an affair and was at his mistresses apartment the morning of September 11. The wife sees the towers crash on TV and frantically calls her husband on his cell phone. When he picks she says, "Are you ok? Where are you?" He replies "I'm at work and I'm fine."
This one's kind of bad, but . . .
A man who worked in one of the Twin Towers was having an affair and was at his mistresses apartment the morning of September 11. The wife sees the towers crash on TV and frantically calls her husband on his cell phone. When he picks she says, "Are you ok? Where are you?" He replies "I'm at work and I'm fine."
A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
A little boy was walking down the street with a roll of duct tape when an old man saw him. The man asked, "Hey son, what do you plan on doing with that roll of duct tape?" The kid replied, "I am going to catch some ducks, sir." "You are not going to catch any ducks with that," the old man said. About 20 minutes later, the boy came back with a sack of ducks. The next day, the kid walks by with a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Hey son, what do you plan on doing with the chicken wire?" "Catch me some chickens, sir," replied the boy. The old man said, "You are not catching any chicken with that." About 20 minutes later, the boy walked by with a sack of chickens. The next day, the boy walked by the old man's house with a pussy willow. The old man said, "Hey son, hold on—let me get my jacket. I'm coming with you!"
Joe is walking down the street when he sees Neil Armstrong coming toward him. Joe says, "Hey, you're Neil Armstrong, aren't you?" Neil says, "Yes, I am." "Man, you're my biggest hero," Joe says, "and that speech you gave about one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind was just awe-inspiring." "You have to understand something about that speech," Neil says. "Back then, communications weren't that good and that's not what I said." "Well, what did you say?" Joe asks. "I said, 'That's one small step for man and one giant leap for Dan Rind.'" Joe is confused and asks, "Who the hell is Dan Rind?" "Well, he's my next-door neighbor," Neil says. "What the hell has he got to do with anything?" Joe asks. "You see," Neil says, "about three months before the launch, I was walking past Dan's open bedroom window when I heard his wife exclaim, 'They'll put a man on the moon before you stick that in my mouth.'"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A little girl and her mother are walking through the park one day when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates, then quickly replies, "Ummm…they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response: "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, huh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How did you know?" The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
A little boy was walking down the street with a roll of duct tape when an old man saw him. The man asked, "Hey son, what do you plan on doing with that roll of duct tape?" The kid replied, "I am going to catch some ducks, sir." "You are not going to catch any ducks with that," the old man said. About 20 minutes later, the boy came back with a sack of ducks. The next day, the kid walks by with a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Hey son, what do you plan on doing with the chicken wire?" "Catch me some chickens, sir," replied the boy. The old man said, "You are not catching any chicken with that." About 20 minutes later, the boy walked by with a sack of chickens. The next day, the boy walked by the old man's house with a pussy willow. The old man said, "Hey son, hold on—let me get my jacket. I'm coming with you!"
Joe is walking down the street when he sees Neil Armstrong coming toward him. Joe says, "Hey, you're Neil Armstrong, aren't you?" Neil says, "Yes, I am." "Man, you're my biggest hero," Joe says, "and that speech you gave about one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind was just awe-inspiring." "You have to understand something about that speech," Neil says. "Back then, communications weren't that good and that's not what I said." "Well, what did you say?" Joe asks. "I said, 'That's one small step for man and one giant leap for Dan Rind.'" Joe is confused and asks, "Who the hell is Dan Rind?" "Well, he's my next-door neighbor," Neil says. "What the hell has he got to do with anything?" Joe asks. "You see," Neil says, "about three months before the launch, I was walking past Dan's open bedroom window when I heard his wife exclaim, 'They'll put a man on the moon before you stick that in my mouth.'"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A little girl and her mother are walking through the park one day when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates, then quickly replies, "Ummm…they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response: "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, huh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How did you know?" The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
The Rabbi and the Priest met at the town's annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This ham is really delicious", the priest teased the rabbi, "you really ought to try it" I know it's against your religion, but you haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, when are you finally going to break down and eat some"? The rabbi looked at his old friend with a slight grin and said "At your wedding"--LOL-
Oh jokes I love silly jokes...
A frog with a sock over its head hopped into a clinic. The doctor turned and saw the frog with the sock covering its head. He looked concerned and asked, "Oh my little froggie what happened to you?"
The frog said, "Shut up! This is a robbery!"
A frog with a sock over its head hopped into a clinic. The doctor turned and saw the frog with the sock covering its head. He looked concerned and asked, "Oh my little froggie what happened to you?"
The frog said, "Shut up! This is a robbery!"
Golden_Smile
CSI Level One
Q. What's grosser than gross?
A. Two siamese twins joined at the tongue
Q. What's even grosser than that?
A. When one of them pukes!
I laughed my head of for hours at that joke and tell it whenever I get a chance I know it's a pretty rubbish joke but it appeals to me. Another rubbish one that I like:
Q. How do you get the flies out of the kitchen?
A. Put a bucket of manure in every other room
hehe, lol :lol:
A. Two siamese twins joined at the tongue
Q. What's even grosser than that?
A. When one of them pukes!
I laughed my head of for hours at that joke and tell it whenever I get a chance
I know it's a pretty rubbish joke but it appeals to me. Another rubbish one that I like:Q. How do you get the flies out of the kitchen?
A. Put a bucket of manure in every other room
hehe, lol :lol:
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
omg that tongue one is hillarious ROFL man im getting mental immage of that, hehe, too funni
how do you confuse a blonde?
put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
oh and another fave coz its so crazy.
how do you confuse and idiot?
purple :lol:
how do you confuse a blonde?
put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
oh and another fave coz its so crazy.
how do you confuse and idiot?
purple :lol:
G
Guest
Guest
guys thnx
those jokes are the funniest i've ever heard(most of them)
those jokes are the funniest i've ever heard(most of them)