Jokes Thread

ok, I dont think this one was posted:
# men were on an airplane, getting ready to go skydivig, an asian man, a mexican man, and an american man. The asian jumps, throwing down a banana peel in the process. The jumps the mexican, dropping an apple core. The final man, the american, jumps and, just like the others, drops something, he drops a bomb. When the asian, mexican and american men hit the ground they find a little boy crying, banana peel in sight.

"Why are you crying?" the asian asked.

The boy, sniffling, replied "I was walking down teh street when this banana peel fell from the sky and I slipped"

Later, they were walking around when they spotted a little girl crying. "Why are you crying?" the mexican asked.

"I was walking down the street when an apple core hit me in the head. Im never eating fruit again!" she replied.

Then, they crossed a little boy laughing like crazy.

The american asked him, "Why are you laughing kid?"

Through the busts of laughter the boy replied "I farted, and my house blew up!!!!" :)
 
Here's some funny cop jokes :cool:

Quotes By Cops:

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after
you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

Police Jokes:

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening
and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on
the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them
?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out
of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over
for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton
in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was
found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was
an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Pencil Pusher, do your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three turned to the Government Worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
dumped on the paper, sexually as*aulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and took the rest of
the day off, with pay.
 
Three women were discussing the supeiority of their various countries.

The dark haired Russian began. "My country is superior. We were the first ones to put a man into space."

The red haired American spoke next. "No, the United States is superior. We were the first ones to put a man on the moon."

The 21 year old blonde Finnish girl spoke up next. "No, my country is superior. We're going to be the first ones to put a man on the sun!"

The other two women looked at her with skeptical amazement, and finally they both spoke up. "That's ridiculous. You can't possibly land on the sun. It's way too hot. You'd burn up instantly."

The Finn looked at them impatiently. "Well, DUH... We're going to go at night.
 
Yeah, I probably should have mentioned that it was dedicated to your favourite moderator and mine, DaWacko. :lol:
 
Oh, your time will come, wibsy, your time will come! ;)

And remember that old saying: Don't wish for something too hard- you may get it! :p
 
Three women were discussing the supeiority of their various countries.

The dark haired Russian began. "My country is superior. We were the first ones to put a man into space."

The red haired American spoke next. "No, the United States is superior. We were the first ones to put a man on the moon."

The 21 year old blonde Finnish girl spoke up next. "No, my country is superior. We're going to be the first ones to put a man on the sun!"

The other two women looked at her with skeptical amazement, and finally they both spoke up. "That's ridiculous. You can't possibly land on the sun. It's way too hot. You'd burn up instantly."

The Finn looked at them impatiently. "Well, DUH... We're going to go at night.
Click to expand...

^That's not the original version :p

Oh shush ye old Baba :p
 
Ah, every "international" joke gets altered for convenience. That's nothing new.

And it's STILL funny! :D
 
Newt Gingrich, Dan Quale, and Bill Clinton are driving and a wind picks their car up and they end up in oz. When they meet the wizard of oz he syas he'll grant them one request each.

Newt Gingrch says I wish I had a heart.
Dan Quale says I wish I had a Brain
Bill Clinton says Where's Dorothy?

This Next joke takes place when Clinton is still president.
Intern enters oval office and Clinton is sitting behind his desk.

Intern: President Clinton I have some news for you
Clinton: What is it?
Intern: It's about the abortion bill
Clinton: Pay it.
 
ok, I dont think this one was posted:
# men were on an airplane, getting ready to go skydivig, an asian man, a mexican man, and an american man. The asian jumps, throwing down a banana peel in the process. The jumps the mexican, dropping an apple core. The final man, the american, jumps and, just like the others, drops something, he drops a bomb. When the asian, mexican and american men hit the ground they find a little boy crying, banana peel in sight.

"Why are you crying?" the asian asked.

The boy, sniffling, replied "I was walking down teh street when this banana peel fell from the sky and I slipped"

Later, they were walking around when they spotted a little girl crying. "Why are you crying?" the mexican asked.

"I was walking down the street when an apple core hit me in the head. Im never eating fruit again!" she replied.

Then, they crossed a little boy laughing like crazy.

The american asked him, "Why are you laughing kid?"

Through the busts of laughter the boy replied "I farted, and my house blew up!!!!" :)
Click to expand...

thats got to be one of the funniest jokes i have EVER heard... ahh, we are never too old for toilet humour.
 
Top 10 most stupid questions' that people usually ask in obvious situations :!!!

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you
try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter...
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big !!
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron!!

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist: when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke ?
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

They're all good but number ten had me in pieces :lol:!
-----

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top