Firstly:
EGGG!!!!! Yay, you're back!!! And safe! YAY!
Secondly: Thanks for all the compliments.
I'm just another GSR dweeb!
Thirdly: "I don't know what to do about this."
It was an interesting conversation, and an interesting insight into their reltionship, especially considering the context of the episode.
I mean, at the beginning Sara had been chasing Grissom through the lab, trying to grab a moment to talk to him, but work kept getting in the way.
It was the perfect illustration of how he was selectively blocking his emotional attachment to Sara at that stage in the game. It was almost a physical representation of their current situation, inwhich she was chasing him, trying to get his attention, but he had his back turned, too focused on work to even notice she'd been tailing him around the lab.
When she's injured, he lets go of all that drama, and through the sea of people all he can see is her. His eyes focus on her, and he kneels down to her, so they're eye-level, so they're on the same plane. The rest of the world melts away, and in that moment we get a glimpse of his true emotions as he lets slip a term of endearment. "Honey." It sent chills down my spine the first time I heard that, because the fact that he said it made their "meant to be status" even more inevitable.
By the time they get to the end, it’s been a trying day for all. Sara’s taken her chasing one step farther, and instead of chasing after Grissom, she chased after a bad guy. She got in trouble, and she wasn’t all there.
Coming back to where she started seems like the best way to ground her, to bring her back to reality, for her to go after what she really wants. When she shows up at his door, she’s determined, and he’s probably confused. Their relationship has been comfortable, for the most part, and easy. He likes that it’s easy because it means he doesn’t have to let her in too much, he doesn’t have to push past his fears.
Now, remember that when she comes to his door, he’s in the midst of fear. He’s already overcome by the fear that he might lose his hearing, that his way of life will have to change. We didn’t know it at the time, but growing up with just his mom was tough because she had a difficult time letting go of his father when he died… And, he grew up watching her having to deal with being deaf.
When Sara shows up in his doorway, he’s already dealing with so many fears, and her invitation throws him. He initially says a simple, “No,” hoping that she’ll accept it and move on, but she pries deeper, and that throws him for a loop.
I know, you’re sitting there going “I was wondering when she’d get to the point, darnit.”
Well, he says, “I don’t know what to do about this.”
He takes a breath, and you can tell he really doesn’t want to deal with this right now. He’s already dealing with so many fears, and here’s another one staring him in the face. She’s standing there and telling him that she’s interested and that she wants more, and his deepest fear is of opening up and then being let go. He’s standing there with the business card to one of his fears in one hand, and in she comes, this beautiful woman who takes his breath away, but who he believes could be his undoing.
He can’t label their relationship at this point. He just can’t. He’s already told her, “No” hoping she’d let it go and move on. She doesn’t.
“I don’t know what to do…” He doesn’t. He likes things as they are, but he acknowledges that she doesn’t. And, they’ve been through so much as it is. He wants to stay comfortable. She wants more. He wants to maintain their distance so he can avoid being hurt. “I don’t know what to do,” he tells her. And it’s honest. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s acknowledging it exists, but he’s clueless because deep down he’s reluctant to change the ease with which they coexist.
Grissom wants to stay on his side of the playground while Sara stays on hers, but she’s more adventurous and aching to see what’s over the fence, but Grissom’s stuffing all his fears in front of the jungle gym so he can’t climb over to be with her. It’s a kneejerk reaction. He has to say something to her, but the right words are failing him. He can’t admit that he likes keeping her at arm’s length, that he likes being in control.
And he calls their relationship “this.” He doesn’t know what to do about “this.” He can’t give it a name because that makes the demon have a stronger hold on him. Like the kids in Harry Potter who refuse to say the name of “You Know Who,” Grissom fails to label it, afraid that it might have a stronger hold over him.
I really think that’s the heart of his statement. He has to say something, but he can’t label it because then his anxiety only increases, and it’s so beautiful to watch him react to her reply… because, he was hoping, once more, she’d just drop it and let it be as it always has been, but she gives him the opposite. She gives him a heavy dose of reality letting him know, she’s not going to be around forever waiting on him.
And that sucks for him, because he’s tried so desperately to mask his true feelings and to maintain control of the situation by not identifying it, by not giving it a name, by keeping it, and her at arm’s length. And, he failed.
We know he failed by the way he reacts when she walks away… She affects him, even when he doesn’t want her to… She affects him. She touches him. She hurts him… even when he tries so desperately to keep it vague and lock her out, even if it’s only to protect himself, he fails… Because, she’s the one person he can’t block out, no matter how hard he tries. Her face, her voice, her hair and eyes and tears are all tied into him, and I don’t think he was prepared for that. I think that was a small wake-up call for him, just the way he reacts, the way he watches her go, it’s all about the way she touches him.