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Top Ten Things Monica Lewinsky Can Do To Mend Her Reputation


10. Appear on "E.R." as woman who keeps getting stuff caught in her throat.

9. Hire PR firm that improved Charles Manson's reputation.

8. Rejoin her old band The Go-Gos.

7. Become the U.S. Ambassador to Grabasslavia.

6. Help "straighten out" that Teletubby.

5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee).

4. Break up N'Sync the way Yoko broke up the Beatles.

3. Perform Heimlich Maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp's face.

2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by flashing her thong.

1. Stop the damn smirking.
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOUR LIKLY TO HEAR IN A MEETING WITH LES MOONVES :lol:

10--I just had a great idea for next season "Surviror' forever :eek:

9--What's the name of the actor who plays Dan Rather on the news"? :mad:

8--If it's an idea for the new Tony Danza show- I don't want to hear it :lol: :lol: :lol:

7--OK grandma- I'll try to bring back "Dignosis Murder" :D

6--That teminds me of someting Saddam once said when we were water skiing :devil:

5--I'm the most powerful guy named Les in the world :confused:

4--Last week I finally realized why CSI is #1 :eek: :eek: :eek:

3--Hey that's good- can I give it to Letterman :cool:

2--Forgive me I pulled a muscle laughing at "Two And A Half Men" :eek:

1--You got a problem with me? :rolleyes:

The Punch Line
'The Senate was evacuated today after a suspicious substance was found in the Senate office. Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt"
David Letterman
 
TOP TEN DICK CHENEY EXCUSES :devil:

10--Heart palpitations cause my trigger to spazz out :(

9--Wanted to put the Iraq mess off the front page :mad:

8--Not enough Jim Beam :lol:

7--Trying to stop the spread of bird-flu :eek:

6--I love to shoot people :eek:

5--Guy was making cracks about my lesbiasn daughter :rolleyes:

4--I thought the guy was trying to go "gay cowboy" on me :confused:

3--Excuses??? I hit him didn't I? :devil:

2--Until Democrats approve Medicare approval reform-we have to make some tough choices for the elderly :eek:

1--Made a bet with Gretzky's wife :D

Punch Line
"Good news-we found Weapons of mass destruction-Dick Cheney-and we can't find Bin Laden-but we nailed a 78-yr.old attorney"
David Letterman ;)
 
desertwind said:

The Punch Line
'The Senate was evacuated today after a suspicious substance was found in the Senate office. Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt"
David Letterman
Click to expand...

I love that quote I was cracking up when I first read it, that was one of if not the funniest thing I've heard in a while :lol: :lol:
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ON VALENTINES DAY :(

10--I gave you the wrong necklace honey-that ones for my mistress :eek:

9--Wait!!! is Valentines day in Feb. this year :D

8--Mom-dad- I want you to meet my new boyfriend-Ayman-al-Zawahir :mad:

7--Hmmm-thought IHOP would be more crowded :lol:

6--Uh--you know that moive "Brokeback Mountain" :eek:

5--Sure a diamond is forever-but this copy of "Dianetics" will change your life for eternity :eek:

4--You're not a cop are you :devil:

3--Table for one :D

2--Sorry Mr. Letterman- we're all out of Viagra :(

1--Damn-I thought you were a quail :D :lol: :D

The Punch Line
"Robert Blake has filed for bankruptcy. Blake said if he had it to do all over again-he would have shot his accountant" :D
Jay Leno
 
Top Ten Historical Inaccuracies in Peter Jennings' The Century


10. Lincoln was not assassinated at a "Phish show"

9. Dogs were not "invented in 1963"

8. Prior to invention of the airplane, people did not "fly around by flapping their arms"

7. Eleanor Roosevelt never competed in a wet T-shirt contest

6. World War I did not start because Fabio was hit in the face by a goose

5. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were not the neighbors on "I Love Lucy"

4. Lyndon Johnson known as "LBJ" not "LL Cool J"

3. Turning point of World War II not "that part where Tom Hanks finds Matt Damon"

2. Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were not, "Pretty fly for a white guy"

1. Person of the Century probably not "Peter Jennings"
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Historical Inaccuracies in Peter Jennings' The Century


10. Lincoln was not assassinated at a "Phish show"

9. Dogs were not "invented in 1963"

8. Prior to invention of the airplane, people did not "fly around by flapping their arms"

7. Eleanor Roosevelt never competed in a wet T-shirt contest

6. World War I did not start because Fabio was hit in the face by a goose

5. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were not the neighbors on "I Love Lucy"

4. Lyndon Johnson known as "LBJ" not "LL Cool J"

3. Turning point of World War II not "that part where Tom Hanks finds Matt Damon"

2. Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were not, "Pretty fly for a white guy"

1. Person of the Century probably not "Peter Jennings"
Click to expand...
 
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT WINNING THE GOLD MEDAL-BY-CHAD HEDRICK-WINNING SPEED SKATER ;)

10--It holds 10,000 songs :lol:

9--Complementary meatballs ;)

8--For one week- the govt. doesn't wire tap my phone :lol:

7--It's accepted as a $100 chip at any Trump Casino :eek:

6--Flash this baby-no jury duty :lol:

5--Makes one kick-ass belt buckle ;)

4--It goes good with my 8th grade chess torphy :D

3--I've already been approached by "Skating With The Stars" :lol:

2--I won a prestigious award without having to play a "gay" cowboy :eek:

1--It deflects stray gunshots from Dick Cheney :D :D
 
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE DICK CHENEY INTERVIEW- these are a riot- :D love 2-3

10--Admitted he's the guy who popped a cap in Suge Knight :eek:

9--Sentenced himself to a week at Gitmo :rolleyes:

8--He's engaged to Katie Holmes :lol:

7--Reavealed list of the next ten old guys he plans to shoot :mad:

6--Pinned Brit Hume to the wall with a Ninja throwing star :devil:

5--Chalked up the whole thing to "roid rage" :eek:

4--Spent most of the time talking about who's going to win "American Idol' :D

3--His clumsy attempt to pin the entire thing on Michael Brown :lol: :lol: :lol:

2--Claims it was all part of the plan to make Bush look smarter :D

1--Stunning admission--The gun was loaded-and so was I :D :lol:
 
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