DAVES TOP TEN

Status
Not open for further replies.
DAVES 24th anniversary show was last night- so

TOP TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN THE LAST 24 YEARS :D

10--If you want a month off- try quintriple bypass surgery :eek:

9--An exotic animal taking a pee on your desk equals= "comedy gold" ;)

8--Before makeup- Regis looks like an Arizona Drifter :lol:

7--Treat the audence to free iPods :rolleyes:

6--We can't afford free iPods :rolleyes:

5--The only thing funnier than a horny president- is an idiot president :D

4--#4 is never funny :(

3--Rehearsal is for sissys :mad:

2--Martha taught me no sex better than "I'm outta the joint sex" :devil:

1--CBS will tolerate a bad talk show longer than NBC :D :lol: :lol:
 
Top Ten Messages Left On Oprah's Answering Machine


10. "This is Martha Stewart. If you need it, I planted a box cutter in the guest chair"

9. "It's Paul Shaffer. So you know, Letterman's had a lot of work done since you last saw him"

8. "Hey, Oprah, it's Larry your neighbor. Can you get me Tony Danza's autograph?"

7. "Dr. Phil here. Cleared my schedule so we can have full session tomorrow"

6. "This is Dubya. If you need a presidential pardon to get you out of this, gimme a holler"

5. "Julia Roberts here. Letterman's all hands during commercial breaks"

4. "It's Jets coach Herm Edwards. Since you're in New York, we could use some help at quarterback"

3. "Regis here. Letterman's all hands during commercial breaks"

2. "Letterman thinks you're coming! This is gonna be the best 'Punk'd' ever!"

1. "It's Nick. Hey, have you seen Jessica?"
 
TOP TEN REASONS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE OLYMPICS ;)

10--I hear Italy has the best Olive Garden restaurant in the world :lol:

9--Olympics are an excellent predictor of who will win the Nobel Peace Prize for Snowboarding :rolleyes:

8--I can't wait to spread global harmony through bad-ass whoops kickers :mad:

7--I'm looking forward to leaning how to say "DUDE" in Italian :D

6--Could I make a living as a snowboarder? :cool:

5--Perfect way to get out of helping my friend Steve move :(

4--Free tote bags :lol:

3--I could become a houshold name ;)

2--I have no idea what I'm talking about :lol:

1--Bode Miller offered me $100 to be the desiginated driver :devil:
 
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN PRESIDENT BUSH'S PRIME-TIME ADDRESS :eek:

10--Claimed he had a plan to win the war- then switched on the bat-signal :D

9--Kept talking about how Scientology changed his life :rolleyes:

8--Ten minutes of new policy- 20 minutes of Karaoke :mad:

7--Imploring all Americans to support Master-P in the nex "Dancing With The Stars" :lol:

6--It was bascially a 50-minute informercial for the new BB-que grill :(

5--Kept looking at himself in the monitor :confused:

4--Most of his speech was devoted to his 4th of July "deviled-egg recipe" :eek:

3--Revealed he'll soon be giving uncensored weekly addresses on Sirius satellite radio :eek:

2--Midway through his speech- he got engaged to Tom Cruise :p

1--Finished by asking Kerry if he still wanted this gig :D :lol: :D
 
Top Ten Cool Things About Having The Super Bowl In Detroit

10. No need for Homeland Security as entire audience is armed to the teeth
Heidi H., Sault, Ste.

9. Every place you go are plaques stating "Madonna Slept Here"
Bob T., Westminster, MD

8. Commemorative bullet proof vests for all fans
David B., Brick, NJ

7. Finally, a chance for Lions fans to watch a professional football team
Peter O., Ames, IA

6. Burning cars in the street make it feel like Miami
Jim D., Sparta Twp., MI

5. Sounds of heckling fans drowned out by gunfire
Marty S., Oak Hill, VA

4. 30,000 Ford pink slips can be reused as confetti
Mike S., Spokane, WA

3. According to James Frey, "It's great to have the Super Bowl return to the Motor City where I quarterbacked the New Orlean Saints to their first World Championship in 1973."
Nick Y., Waynesboro, PA

2. Sudden death a real possibility
Dan L., Superior

1. Buy two hotdogs, get a free Ford Focus
Pat P., Fairmont, WV
 
TOP TEN CHANGES CBS IS MAKING TO THE GRAMMYS ;)

10--Best country album is determined by old fasioned leg wrasslin' :lol:

9--Only live performance of the evening-a Bill O'Reilly crazed rant :mad:

8--New category-song most illegally downloaded :eek:

7--To encourage people to watch CBS-changing the title to Grammys-CSI :D :lol: ;)

6--For safety reasons-"Earth-Wind may perform but "Fire is prohibited :(

5--Mariah's dress will be even shorter :eek:

4--To draw fans of the Latin Grammys all participants will wear sombreros :lol:

3--Opening number- a musical tribute by the FCC :cool:

2--Only Jackson permitted at the ceremony is Marlon- working backstage as a grip :D

1--If your acceptance speech is longer than 30 seconds- P. Diddy starts shooting :eek: :devil:
 
I saw the top 10 "slogans" for the sex soda last night.

My brother (who was working in the other room) took a peek in my bedroom to see why I was laughing so loud.

Can someone provide the list? I only remember a few :D
 
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR THE NEW SEX SODA :eek:

10--Have a glass for your fine ass ;)

9--Soft drink- I don't think so :mad:

8--Goes down nice and easy-just like you :eek:

7--Get fizzy-get bizzy :lol:

6--Makes more than your taste buds tingle :p

5--Available in Classic- or Brokeback :D

4--Why not put a kitty in your pants :eek:

3--Have a coke-a smile-a smoke and a nap :)

2--It's like a carbonated lapdance :confused:

1--Get it in the can :p
 
I like that, get it in the can!! :lol: TOO funny.

My fav. though, was the Top Ten Cool Things About Having The Super Bowl In Detroit!! Those are SO funny!! :lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAR HAS TO BE RECALLED :(

10--Wind-shield wipers are on the inside :eek:

9--Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral :lol:

8--To make a right turn- you have to get out of the car an physically turn the wheel :confused:

7--You peel back the license plate & see "I Love Saddam"' :(

6--It's always catching on fire :eek:

5--The "fan belt" spits out venom & coils around your neck :mad:

4--Horn only audible to dogs :D

3--Bucket seats- are actually buckets :lol:

2--Dealer brags "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote "Christine" :devil:

1--From the tramission you hear the un-mistakable cries of James Brolin :D :lol:
 
2--Dealer brags "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote "Christine"
Click to expand...
Please Explain :confused:

Top Ten Surprises in Paris Hilton's Stolen Diaries

10. Her monkey has a larger vocabulary
Umberto S., Baltimore, MD

9. Loves that city in France that they named after her
Karen S., Tampa, FL

8. Could never be a humanitarian: "Eating humans would be gross!"
Russell G., Somers, NY

7. The hundreds of entries with depictions of the Prophet Mohammed
Matt S., Los Angeles, CA

6. Dreams of serving on a hung jury
Mike N., Arcola, IL

5. Has, on occasion, actually had sex with the same guy twice!
Kenneth B., Linesville, PA

4. At the age of 18, learned her real father is Howard Johnson
Mike A., Suwanee, GA

3. Believes that lowering the prime rate is counterproductive to the economy
Scott S., Bountiful, UT

2. Doesn't consider herself a slut; just slut-ish
Mike W., Castle Rock, CO

1. She may be a Hilton, but she sure spends a lot of time at Motel 6
Jim W., Hopkins, SC
 
"Christine" the movie was a horror film- where every thing was creepy and horrible- :(written by Stephen King-- if you want to see a complete description of this movie you can go to IMDB and put the name in--- and it'll give you the description ;)hope this helped clear that up :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top