DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN WAYS GEORGE BUSH CAN REGAIN HIS POPULARITY

10--Dip into socal security fund to give every American free HBO

9-Use diplomacy to bring peace to Brad-Jen and Angelina

8-Try fixing Iraq, creating some jos, reducing the deficit and maybe catching OSAMA

7--Figure out a way for the Yankees to win a game

6--Replace his "country simpleton" persona with more lovable "hillbilly idiot" image

5--Use weekly radio address to give Americans a U-2 twofer

4--Get Saddam to switch to boxers

3--Ditch the librarian and make Eva Longoria the first lady

2--Resign

1--Jump on Oprahs couch and profess your love for Katie Holmes
 
TOP TEN SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT OSAMA BIN LADEN

10--Plans to release next threatening tape in high definition :eek:

9--In the 70's he had a gay fling with the blind sheikh :devil:

8--Secretly likes Kosher pickles :D

7--Middle name--Duane :lol:

6-Stole "Death To America" from Fran Tarkenton :(

5--Got his cave hooked up with Sirus -so he can listen to Howard Stern :cool:

4-Knows all the words to the "Black Eyed Peas" song "My Humps" :D

3--After the Colts loss to the Steelers-he declared jihad on Mike Vanderjagt :( (coach)

2--Has a bumper on his camel that says "Don't Blame Me-I Voted For Kerry" :devil:

1--The son-of-a-bitch is still alive :mad: :eek: :( :devil:
 
i know that Jerry O'Connell jumped on Oprah's couch, but did her profess his love for Katie Holmes? If so, woo hoo!
 
TOP TEN SUGGESTED SHOWS FOR THE NEW "GAY CABLE NETWORK" :lol:

10--Everybody Loves Raymond--especially Steve :lol:

9--CSI-San Francisco--- :D

8--Inside the actors studio apt. in the West Village ;)

7--Law & Order--special Antiquing unit :eek:

6--King of Queens :lol:

5--Desperate Houseboys :confused:

4--Stone Phillips--unleashed :eek:

3--Malcolm in the middle :lol:

2--My wife & kids have no idea :eek:

1--Press the meat :D
 
lol, San Fransisco. We were just talking about that, me and my teacher, about if they were to make another spinoff, if it were to be actually good, what location it would be in. Not that Miami and NY are bed or anything.
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD BEACH :confused:

10--Everyone's competing for the same few feet of space among the rotting whale carcasses :(

9--Guy with metal detector keeps finding 55-gallon drums of medical waste :mad:

8--It's excatly like the first half-hour of "Saving Private Ryan" :D

7--Raftful of Cubans land-look around and paddle back to sea :eek:

6--David Hasselhoff gives you mouth-to-mouth and you're not drowning :rolleyes:

5--Sign for restorooms points to ocean :(

4--It's called "Stinky Beach" :confused:

3--Your kids give up on seashells--start collecting used Band-Aids :eek:

2--Beach is full of guys like that naked fat guy on Survivor :(

1--It's bring-your-own-sand :lol:
 
It's called "Stinky Beach"
Click to expand...

Calling it Revere Beach would make it much worse, than stinky beach.


Top Ten Signs Osama bin Laden Wants a Truce With the U.S.

10. His videotaped messages are now accompanied by flowers and a box of chocolates
Steve W., Reading, PA

9. He's tired of missing yet another season of "American Idol"
Matty S., New Haven, CT

8. Admitted he became a terrorist just to impress Jodie Foster
Bruce A., Fairfax Station, VA

7. Being snubbed from Elton John's wedding was the last straw
Marc B., Palm Desert, CA

6. Rent-controlled cave just went condo
Dick B., Boston, MA

5. His latest audio tape warns of upcoming "Big Mac Attack"
Jim W., Hopkins, SC

4. Instead of calling Bush the "Evil Infidel," now calls him "My Wacky American Friend"
KC C., Bemidji, MN

3. Tired of spending all his time with camels, if you know what I mean
Mark I., Santa Rosa, CA

2. Newest phrase during videotaped rants: "Mild discomfort to America!"
Matt B., Los Angeles, CA

1. Sent a personal message to President Bush: "I wish I could quit you."
Mike N., Arcola, IL
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AT A BAD CASINO :eek:

10--Your full house-loses to six of a kind :eek:

9--They're playing "Will It Float" in the lobby with a bag of fertilzer :lol:

8--There's a high-stakes table - a lo-stakes table and a kids table :(

7--Has strict- no-gambling rule :cool:

6--Advertizes that it's slots are as loose as your wife :eek:

5--Free-all you can eat lemon wedges :rolleyes:

4--One spin on the roulette table lasts 7-10 days :D

3--Their big headliner-the withered corpse of Mel Torme :mad:

2--No Rat Pack- but lots of rats :confused:

1--It has the word "Trump" in the name :eek:
 
My mom watched Oprah one time when Jerry O'Connell jumped up and down on her couch. just didn't get to see it. He's my FAVORITE actor.
 
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT WINNING THE OSCAR ;)

10--Mention Budweiser and they'll send you a case a year :p

9--I hid a house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame :lol:

8-Back in the old days-I had good luck with the line "wanna polish my Oscar" :devil:

7--Dangle it from your car mirror-no more traffic tickets ;)

6--No more of the "it's been an honor to be nominated crap :eek:

5--If you forget to rewind - Blockbuster generally looks the other way :lol:

4--On camping trips the Oscar is great for pounding tent stakes :D

3--A lot of people don;t know this-but the head of Oscar screws off & there's Bourbon inside :eek:

2--Do you realize that Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award :rolleyes:

1--There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you :p
 
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