DAVES TOP TEN

Status
Not open for further replies.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM A GUY IN A SPORTS BAR :mad:

10--Are you one of those annoyning people that insist on a clean glass :rolleyes:

9--I'm betting we stay in Iraq-and that you get violently ill from that Quesadilla :(

8--Before I take your order-I need a specimen :lol:

7--If your wondering-I get off at 10 :eek:

6--I don't know the dfference bwtween popcorn and peanuts :eek:

5--Sorry the team I bet on lost so I have to add $50 bucks on to your bill :confused:

4--Does that beer sting your throat :eek:

3--Can I see your bare chest-instead of your ID :mad:

2--We only have one 6-pack of Mountain Dew left- so drink slow :D

1--OOPS- Oprah is on :lol:
 
desertwind unfortunately your banner/icon is a bit too high for this boards requirements on signatures. Banners should be no larger than 220w x 75h. Could you please adjust it accordingly? Thanks.
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD :eek:

10--You're up against King Kong for best giant monkey :lol:

9--Instead of asking who you're wearing- Joan Rivers asks why your here :rolleyes:

8--Your film used to torture Gitmo detainees :(

7--Best acting you did this year was telling your wife you didn't sleep with Anelina Jolie :p

6--You're guy #5 in the Paris Hilton tape :confused:

5--Gretzkey's wife bet a grand against you :eek:

4-You're acting has been compared to Steven Segal :(

3--Played the coveted role of "man who gets kicked in the nuts" :mad:

2--George W. Bush has info. you're going to win :D

1--You spent months learning to become a gay cowboy-but you're not an actor :lol: :D
 
i dont' know if this has been mentioned but oh well:


Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

10. Gets winded purring :lol:

9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them

8. The Maury people call every damn hour

7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar

6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks

5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort

4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention

3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop

2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section

1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"
 
Lilbug- I luv those- hiliarious-my daughter has a big fat cat-Joe-- she trys to put him on a diet and he just gets mad and tries to sneak food- :eek: I've go to send that one to her- :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS I CAN SAY NOW THAT I LOST AMERICAN IDOL :D

10--If I had of won I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks :eek:

9--Honsetly, I thought I was auditioning for "The Apprentice" :confused:

8--Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV :(

7--If you want to see me perform again-I'll be working at Old Navy tomorrow" :D

6--George W. didn't win the popular vote either :mad:

5--Underneath the table Randy doesn't wear underwear :eek:

4--Who's David Letterman :)

3--I could take down Simon with one arm :eek:

2--I keyed Simon's car :eek:

1--I have one thing to say to all voters- what the hell is wrong with you people :devil:
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A VAMPIRE :eek:

10--Once a week a Domino's guy enters- but never comes out :devil:

9--Claims his back never felt better-since switching to Sealy Posturepedic Coffin :lol:

8--Always looks mad when you have a turtleneck on :(

7--You see him throwing a stake in the crotch of a guy on Transylvania's Funniest Home Videos :lol:

6--He's lived in the house since 1783 :eek:

5--Opens cans with his teeth :eek:

4--When you bring up the $200 he owes you- he turns into a bat and flys away :D :D

3--Has bottles of blood in his fridge :confused:

2--A 'Vampires Do It Upside Down" bumper sticker on his car :cool:

1--He's pale and creepy -but he's not Michael Jackson :D :lol:
Click to expand...

bwahaha, I love that one! I think it's the BTVS, Angel and Forever Knight fan in me coming out.
 
TOP TNE SIGNS YOUR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE IS ON THE TAKE :eek:

10--Begins every case with "We'll start the bribing at $10,000 :devil:

9--His written opinions always have several msntions of the thirst quenching taste of Mountain Dew???

8--Regurarly convenes at the dog track :lol:

7--Asks "Does either attorney plan on inviting me on any hunting trips"? :rolleyes:

6--For a Supreme court Justice he certainly is mentioned on "the Sopranos" a lot :devil:

5--All the bling-bling :cool:

4--His last article in the "Law Journal" was about finding the right fence for your stolen goods :eek:

3--When you first walk in his chambers- he frisks you for a wire :(

2--He's on the Forbes 500 list between Bill Gates & Oprah :D

1--Already declared George W. Bush a winner in October :eek:

THE PUNCH LINE
'The United Arab Emirates has agreed to give our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back" :D
David Letterman
 
TOP TEN PHRASES RYAN SEACREST REJECTED BEFORE "SEACREST OUT"

10--Seabiscuit out!!! :lol:

9--WOW- I'm gorgeous :p

8--Nest time bring your sister- "you hump" :(

7--All hail North Korea's brave leader- Kim Jong!!!!! :eek:

6--Don't let the bird flu get you :rolleyes:

5--I'm lactose intolerant :(

4--Don't have your pets sprayed or neutered :mad:

3--Where am I- "Am. Idol"- "Am. top ten"- or "On air with Ryan Seacrest" :D

2--Vote for anyone but BUSH :eek:

1--So long losers!!!!! :confused:

THE PUNCH LINE
"It's so cold here in new York City- that even the straight cowboys are snuggling"
Davd Letterman :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A CAB :devil:

10--My brakes are shot- so when we reach your place-could you just jump out :eek:

9--Why so shy cowboy- there's plenty of room up here :mad:

8--There's something wrong with the exhaust- so hold your breath :eek:

7--Watch this guys expression when I ram his car :devil:

6--Damn-without my glasses-I'm blind as a bat :lol:

5--Wanna see me drive with my teeth :eek:

4--Is your name Rick?- voices in my head keep telling me to kill you :devil:

3--Guess who's in the trunk :eek:

2-If you don't have your seat belt on- I;m gonna punch your face in :eek:

1--Next stop-BAGDAD :D :lol: :devil:

THE PUNCH LINE
'It's so cold her in NYC-that even straight cowboys were snuggling"
David Letterman :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS COLUMBUS WOULD SAY ABOUT AMERICA IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY

10--I discovered the New World-but who discovered these delicious Cinnabons :p

9--Hey my fo' shizzle thing finally caught on :eek:

8--Flu outbreak-political chaos-vermin-this place hasn't changed a bit :lol:

7--It's humbling to realize that because of me Americans are getting 20% off on a mattress :D

6--How did you come to choose the leader you call "Oprah"? :rolleyes:

5--It's nice to see that Cher is still around :eek:

4--As a fellow man of the sea-I join you in the mourning of Gilligan :(

3--The finest chefs in Italy can't compare to the Olive Garden :p

2--I discovered the continet & the only thing named after me is a city in Ohio :lol:

1--Those "Desperate Housewives babes are sluttier than Queen Isabella :devil:

THE PUNCH LINE
"The ports deal is off, in fact even Republicans called it the worst deal since the Lakers traded Shaq"
Jay Leno :D
 
Holy crap those last two lists that you published were f*cking hilarious. I just love the taxi driver one. Whoever writes this stuff is brilliant.
 
HEY Joran fan 86-congratulations- ;)on your new title ;)is there a tread naming you- didn't see it- and it's Daves writers-on the "Late Show" they are hiliarious :D there's so many- glad you enjoy them-- :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs The Government Is Running Out Of Money


10. State dinners are at IHOP :mad:

9. Country renamed United States of Ditech.com :rolleyes:

8. Had to fire Laura's sexy Dominican gardner :(

7. Witness protection program now issues informants a fake mustache :devil: :eek:

6. For ten bucks you can punch Rumsfeld in the stomach :devil:

5. Bush's awkward call to Mrs. Milosevich asking if he's in Slobodan's will :lol:

4. The original Constitution is on eBay :eek:

3. N.S.A. can only afford to tap phones during off-peak hours :)

2. Price of a stamp is now two grand :)

1. Cheney was spotted strolling into a bank carrying his 12-gauge :lol:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top