ckyprincess
Judge
Gotta love #2! Like the roid rage one too.
DAVES TOP TEN
- Thread starter Desertwind
- Start date
- Status
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PILOT IS DRUNK 
10--Introduces himself as Captain Morgan
9--You open the overhead luggage compartment- and find the pilot sleeping
8--Giggles anytime someone says "cockpit" :devil:
7--Your flight from N.Y. to Chicago takes 16 hours on the runway
6--Announces plane will be circling until he's sober :lol:
5--He agrees to go hunting with Dick Cheney
4--Hits turbulance & screams-"Damn I just spillesd the Tequila on my pants
3--Asks passengers to lock wndows and look for the "fuzz"
2--Keeps turning the intercom and yelling "WHEEEEEEEEEEE
1--He's flying the plane with Britney Spears baby on his lap :devil:
10--Introduces himself as Captain Morgan
9--You open the overhead luggage compartment- and find the pilot sleeping
8--Giggles anytime someone says "cockpit" :devil:
7--Your flight from N.Y. to Chicago takes 16 hours on the runway
6--Announces plane will be circling until he's sober :lol:
5--He agrees to go hunting with Dick Cheney
4--Hits turbulance & screams-"Damn I just spillesd the Tequila on my pants
3--Asks passengers to lock wndows and look for the "fuzz"
2--Keeps turning the intercom and yelling "WHEEEEEEEEEEE
1--He's flying the plane with Britney Spears baby on his lap :devil:
Top Ten Sayings You Don't Want To See On Your Valentine's Candy Hearts
10. "Be My Booty Call"
Jon S., Tempe, AZ
9. "You Owe My Pimp $300"
Ned F., Los Angeles, CA
8. "Chubby, Stop Eating"
Denise G., Helena, MT
7. "This Is a Real Piece of Dick Chaney's Heart"
Bill C., Germantown, WI
6. "Love Hurts...When I Pee"
Randy D., Addison, TX
5. "I Love You Almost as Much as 'According To Jim'"
Brad S., Westminster, MD
4. "Be One of My 72 Virgins"
Steve P., Allentown, PA
3. "Wanna Go Brokeback?"
Jeff G., Miami, FL
2. "I Love Leno"
Jon K., St. Cloud, MN
1. "Sorry I Shot You"
Andy H., Austin, TX
10. "Be My Booty Call"
Jon S., Tempe, AZ
9. "You Owe My Pimp $300"
Ned F., Los Angeles, CA
8. "Chubby, Stop Eating"
Denise G., Helena, MT
7. "This Is a Real Piece of Dick Chaney's Heart"
Bill C., Germantown, WI
6. "Love Hurts...When I Pee"
Randy D., Addison, TX
5. "I Love You Almost as Much as 'According To Jim'"
Brad S., Westminster, MD
4. "Be One of My 72 Virgins"
Steve P., Allentown, PA
3. "Wanna Go Brokeback?"
Jeff G., Miami, FL
2. "I Love Leno"
Jon K., St. Cloud, MN
1. "Sorry I Shot You"
Andy H., Austin, TX
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
funny 7. "This Is a Real Piece of Dick Chaney's Heart"
Bill C., Germantown, WI
6. "Love Hurts...When I Pee"
Randy D., Addison, TX
5. "I Love You Almost as Much as 'According To Jim'"
Brad S., Westminster, MD
4. "Be One of My 72 Virgins"
Steve P., Allentown, PA
3. "Wanna Go Brokeback?"
Jeff G., Miami, FL
2. "I Love Leno"
Jon K., St. Cloud, MN
1. "Sorry I Shot You"
Andy H., Austin, TX
[/QUOTE]
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S FASHION WEEK IN NEW YORK
10--Local newscasters describe the national security level as "desert sunset orange" :lol:
9--Hans Blitz confesses he wears sexy underwear
8--Statue of Liberty showng more leg
7--Ryan Seacrest has been researching what he'll wear next season
6--P.Diddy is throwing a fashion party
5--Confused models strutting down run-way at La Guardia
4--Honey- in N.Y. it's always fashion week
3--Surge in restraining orders against Regis
2--3 words- rats in gowns
1--Subways smell like urine and perfume
10--Local newscasters describe the national security level as "desert sunset orange" :lol:
9--Hans Blitz confesses he wears sexy underwear
8--Statue of Liberty showng more leg
7--Ryan Seacrest has been researching what he'll wear next season
6--P.Diddy is throwing a fashion party
5--Confused models strutting down run-way at La Guardia
4--Honey- in N.Y. it's always fashion week
3--Surge in restraining orders against Regis
2--3 words- rats in gowns
1--Subways smell like urine and perfume
Tinkerbell
Head of the Swing Shift
desertwind please do not double post, when you can still edit your first post within 2 hours. Thank you.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
OOPS-this wasn't meant to be a double post but my feeble attempt at "QUOTING" got it wrong- e-mailed Destiny and she told me the correct way to do that--
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR OLYMPIC EVENT IS FIXED :devil:
10--Medal ceremony takes place before event
9--In the middle of your figure skating routine-you're run over by the Zamboni :lol:
8--You see 5 heads in the 4 man bobsled event
7--Instead of scores-the PA system announces bribes to the judges
6--Event judge former ENRON CEO Kenneth Lay
5--You hear the Child Of Light wants you to take a dive-or else
4--You see 6 judges and one figure skater check into a Holiday Inn :devil:
3--Curling is controlled by the Mafia
2--You lose to this-----video of people bowling on ice
1--It's being promoted by Don King
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR OLYMPIC EVENT IS FIXED :devil:
10--Medal ceremony takes place before event
9--In the middle of your figure skating routine-you're run over by the Zamboni :lol:
8--You see 5 heads in the 4 man bobsled event
7--Instead of scores-the PA system announces bribes to the judges
6--Event judge former ENRON CEO Kenneth Lay
5--You hear the Child Of Light wants you to take a dive-or else
4--You see 6 judges and one figure skater check into a Holiday Inn :devil:
3--Curling is controlled by the Mafia
2--You lose to this-----video of people bowling on ice
1--It's being promoted by Don King
speedmonkey2
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Hahah number nine had me rollin.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR THE NEXT GAY MOVIE
10--The good-the bad and the hunky
9--How the west was redecorated :lol:
8--The adventures of Frank and Jesse and James
7--Seven brothers for seven brothers
6--Butch Cassidy and the even butcher Sundance Kid
5--Rio Lesbo
4--Dances with Men
3--The Magnificent seven inches
2--Go west young man-now south-a little more south -a little more to the south- oh god yes-yes-right there
1--A fistfull of Wild Bill
10--The good-the bad and the hunky
9--How the west was redecorated :lol:
8--The adventures of Frank and Jesse and James
7--Seven brothers for seven brothers
6--Butch Cassidy and the even butcher Sundance Kid
5--Rio Lesbo
4--Dances with Men
3--The Magnificent seven inches
2--Go west young man-now south-a little more south -a little more to the south- oh god yes-yes-right there
1--A fistfull of Wild Bill
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN THINGS I- SADDAM HUSSEIN WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST
10--I swear I never had any lnks to Al Qaeda-but we had the same tax accontant :lol:
9--Of my 24 palaces- 19 were timeshares
8--Kim-Jong cheats at Scrabble
7--I got most of my medals off eBay
6--I used to spice up prisoners meals with Anthrax
5--Some time I ever get confused about where I am- Iraq or Iran :devil:
4--Do you think Michael Jackson is weird- or is it just me :lol:
3--Christiane Ananpour- call me
2--Never could find a parking space in downtown Bagdad-
1-I can't prove it- but I think Hans Blix took a leak in my pool
10--I swear I never had any lnks to Al Qaeda-but we had the same tax accontant :lol:
9--Of my 24 palaces- 19 were timeshares
8--Kim-Jong cheats at Scrabble
7--I got most of my medals off eBay
6--I used to spice up prisoners meals with Anthrax
5--Some time I ever get confused about where I am- Iraq or Iran :devil:
4--Do you think Michael Jackson is weird- or is it just me :lol:
3--Christiane Ananpour- call me
2--Never could find a parking space in downtown Bagdad-
1-I can't prove it- but I think Hans Blix took a leak in my pool
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE CURLING MORE EXCITING
10--How about calling it anything but "curling"
9--Instead of weird lookin' Norwegian dudes in sweaters- babes in lingerie
8--Only allow French judges
7--Sweep the stone toward the hog line and then---Ok, I don't know anything about curling :lol:
6--Is it to much to ask on curler to bite another curler
5--Throw in one of those minature golf Windmills
4--Instead of granite stone- the frozen head of Walt Disney
3--40% of final score comes from the swimsuit competition??????????
2--you don't find curling exciting-are you insane
1--First place gets gold medal- the rest are sent to Camp X-ray
10--How about calling it anything but "curling"
9--Instead of weird lookin' Norwegian dudes in sweaters- babes in lingerie
8--Only allow French judges
7--Sweep the stone toward the hog line and then---Ok, I don't know anything about curling :lol:
6--Is it to much to ask on curler to bite another curler
5--Throw in one of those minature golf Windmills
4--Instead of granite stone- the frozen head of Walt Disney
3--40% of final score comes from the swimsuit competition??????????
2--you don't find curling exciting-are you insane
1--First place gets gold medal- the rest are sent to Camp X-ray
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN CALLS TO THE OREO HOTLINE
10--Hi- I'm a fat guy and I was wondering if I can just buy a tub of the creme filling :lol:
9--Can you tell me how to est these just one more time
8--I'm a Keebler elf and I'm ready to talk
7--Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
6--My name is actually Bill Oreo
5--Hi- I'd like to plan a trip to Ore-gon
4--Can I use the creme filling as a shaving creme substitute
3--How many proofs of purchase for an angioplasty
2--How long will this back sutff stay in my teeth
1--Are Oreos waterproof :lol:
10--Hi- I'm a fat guy and I was wondering if I can just buy a tub of the creme filling :lol:
9--Can you tell me how to est these just one more time
8--I'm a Keebler elf and I'm ready to talk
7--Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
6--My name is actually Bill Oreo
5--Hi- I'd like to plan a trip to Ore-gon
4--Can I use the creme filling as a shaving creme substitute
3--How many proofs of purchase for an angioplasty
2--How long will this back sutff stay in my teeth
1--Are Oreos waterproof :lol:
Top Ten Things I, Peter Griffin, Would Like To Say To America
10. "If George Bush had Dick Cheney's first name, his name would be Dick Bush and I'll tell you I'd listen to a lot more of his speeches"
9. "Did the Patriot Act take care of Mujibur and Sirajul?"
8. "Shouldn't Crystal Bernard be in 'Playboy' by now... I mean we did our part and sat through seven seasons of 'Wings'"
7. "Laura Bush killed a guy"
6. "This is the best moment in television since Mr. Belvedere sat on his own nuts and fainted"
5. "Did you know Jim Belushi had a brother who was in TV, too?"
4. "Hey Ben Affleck and Matt Damon we're all still waiting on that second Oscar-winning script"
3. "I have always wanted to do this...ladies and gentlemen, the Max Weinberg Seven"
2. "If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don't care for you as a person"
1. "We should all buy more American-made products which at last check are down to porn and cheeseburgers"
Top Ten Rejected Winter Olympic Sports
10. Heterosexual Men's Figure Skating
Paul P., Pittsburgh, PA
9. Oprah Couch Jumping
AJ M., Albuquerque, NM
8. Pairs Ass-Freezing
Rod F., Meadville, PA
7. Vice Presidential Quail Hunting
Wayne M., St. John's, Canada
6. Men's Competitive Ted Danson Look-A-Like Contest
Joseph F., Brookfield, MA
5. The S**tfaced Downhill
Cupla F., Los Angeles, CA
4. Inflammatory Cartooning
Dan W., Greenfield Park, Canada
3. Four-Man Madonna
Jim M., Shiner, TX
2. Britney Spears' Baby Luge
David L., Heidelberg, Germany
1. NBC Downhill Ratings Race
Chuck C., West Palm Beach, FL
Top Ten Surprises In The Dick Cheney Interview
The Unaired Extras
The bandolier of bullets across his naked chest.
First use of phrase "puttin' a cap in that old fool's ass" since Vice President Spiro Agnew.
Every 3 minutes Cheney needed a "Heart Attack Break"
Kept plugging "Big Momma's House 2".
Vowed to hunt himself down and bring himself to justice.
Wearing flannel shirt borrowed from lesbian daughter.
Robert Blake and O.J. called in to lend their support.
Deeply regrets not finishing the guy off.
10. "If George Bush had Dick Cheney's first name, his name would be Dick Bush and I'll tell you I'd listen to a lot more of his speeches"
9. "Did the Patriot Act take care of Mujibur and Sirajul?"
8. "Shouldn't Crystal Bernard be in 'Playboy' by now... I mean we did our part and sat through seven seasons of 'Wings'"
7. "Laura Bush killed a guy"
6. "This is the best moment in television since Mr. Belvedere sat on his own nuts and fainted"
5. "Did you know Jim Belushi had a brother who was in TV, too?"
4. "Hey Ben Affleck and Matt Damon we're all still waiting on that second Oscar-winning script"
3. "I have always wanted to do this...ladies and gentlemen, the Max Weinberg Seven"
2. "If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don't care for you as a person"
1. "We should all buy more American-made products which at last check are down to porn and cheeseburgers"
Top Ten Rejected Winter Olympic Sports
10. Heterosexual Men's Figure Skating
Paul P., Pittsburgh, PA
9. Oprah Couch Jumping
AJ M., Albuquerque, NM
8. Pairs Ass-Freezing
Rod F., Meadville, PA
7. Vice Presidential Quail Hunting
Wayne M., St. John's, Canada
6. Men's Competitive Ted Danson Look-A-Like Contest
Joseph F., Brookfield, MA
5. The S**tfaced Downhill
Cupla F., Los Angeles, CA
4. Inflammatory Cartooning
Dan W., Greenfield Park, Canada
3. Four-Man Madonna
Jim M., Shiner, TX
2. Britney Spears' Baby Luge
David L., Heidelberg, Germany
1. NBC Downhill Ratings Race
Chuck C., West Palm Beach, FL
Top Ten Surprises In The Dick Cheney Interview
The Unaired Extras
The bandolier of bullets across his naked chest.
First use of phrase "puttin' a cap in that old fool's ass" since Vice President Spiro Agnew.
Every 3 minutes Cheney needed a "Heart Attack Break"
Kept plugging "Big Momma's House 2".
Vowed to hunt himself down and bring himself to justice.
Wearing flannel shirt borrowed from lesbian daughter.
Robert Blake and O.J. called in to lend their support.
Deeply regrets not finishing the guy off.
Desertwind
Head of the Day Shift
TOP TEN H & R BLOCK EXCUSES
10--Instead of CPA training-employees get CPR training
9--Forgot to carry the one 32 million times
8--For years we've been secretly funding Humas :devil:
7--H was out sick and R was on jury duty :lol:
6--We're using Martha's guy
5--We're testing the world's first accounting monkey
4--Come on-it's a couple of dollars- it's not like we shot a guy in the face
3--Hard to focus when you've been drinking since April 16
2--32 million-we lose that on a good day
1--Hope for hot make-up sex with the IRS
THE PUNCH LINE
"An Arab country in charge of our ports? That's like FEMA in charge of diaster relief"
David Letterman
10--Instead of CPA training-employees get CPR training
9--Forgot to carry the one 32 million times
8--For years we've been secretly funding Humas :devil:
7--H was out sick and R was on jury duty :lol:
6--We're using Martha's guy
5--We're testing the world's first accounting monkey
4--Come on-it's a couple of dollars- it's not like we shot a guy in the face
3--Hard to focus when you've been drinking since April 16
2--32 million-we lose that on a good day
1--Hope for hot make-up sex with the IRS
THE PUNCH LINE
"An Arab country in charge of our ports? That's like FEMA in charge of diaster relief"
David Letterman
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