DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS I'D RATHER BE DOING RIGHT NOW

10..Kniting sweaters for my bulldogs Paris and Lindsay

9..Calling Regis, and hanging up :lol:

8..Promoting my new line of jewerly on QVC

7..Horse play

6..Just coolin' with shorties, and drinking some forties

5..Laminating clips and old ticket stubs for my Carol Channing scrapebook

4..Wasting CBS airtime [oh wait, I'm doing that already]

3..Lecturing teens on the dangers of online poker

2..Enjoying a chuckle over "Jay's 'headlines' :lol:

1..Quietly sleeping, like our audience

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS DAVE'S MOM HAS LEARNED she just turned 86


10..Doing these lousy Top Ten lists is an easy way to make quick dough

9..Bacon makes everything delicious

8..I'm the only woman on my block who can dead-lift 200 pounds

7..Waiting four days in line for an iPod phone was totally worth it

6..Always spilt aces with eights

5..It's possible for your son to be successful and a disappointment at the same time :lol:

4..In a bar fight go for the legs..man can't walk, can't fight :devil:

3..No matter how many times I change my phone number, Dave always finds me

2..The key to a long and healthy life, Dr. Pepper and Ranch Doritos

1..If you want a good table in a restaurant, tell them your Pat Sajak's mom

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT SUMMER CAMP

10..By the end of archery we need enough squirrels for grillin'

9..My toothbrush, your toothbrush, what's the difference

8..That video of the bear, chewing on your leg is on YouTube

7..Welcome to Shaq's camp for kids

6..Good news..we're on the cover of "Lyme Disease" magazine

5..Children, please enjoy the comedy of Eddie Brill

4..Across the lake to the east is the girls camp, across the lake to the west, the state hospital for the criminally insane

3..Relax, this camp isn't haunted, despite the dozens of people who've been murdered here :devil:

2..Welcome to hell, punks :lol:

1..It's February, face it, your parents aren't picking you up

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS A REFEREE IS FIXING GAMES

10..He leads the league in blocked shots

9..When talking about the "Spurs, he says "we"

8..After 6 seconds, calls a 24-second violation

7..He's drawing up plays

6..Befores tipoff, scorecard reads 58 to nothing :devil:

5..Teams have scored a record number of two-pointers, three-pointers and eight pointers

4..Tossed one of the other officials out of the game

3..Has Eddie Brill's phone number on speed dial

2..Miami Heat hasn't lost a game since Shaq promised to help the refree's fat son

1..The Knicks are winning

 

[Desertwind]

TOP THE THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE NEW YORK METS

10..Team forfeited Sunday's game because they were all reading "Harry Potter" :lol:

9..Mets is short for Metrosexuals

8..We all carry Blackberries so we can blog each other on the field

7..During the month of May, all we did was bunt

6..Proud to be in the same city with talk show host Conan O'Brien

5..We alwasys give 100% except on Tuesday's when we give 111%

4..One season in the '80's' all the players were named Mookie

3..Our stadium nachos are made with pine tar

2..We blew our entire budget on Beckham

1..We've really bonded since we started watching "Oprah" as a team :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR MONKEY IS A GENIUS

10..Scored 1600 on a monkey SATS

9..Bought shares of Chiquita when they were under $2.00

8..Speaks both Chimp and Swedish

7..Scaled the Empire State Building to admire his architecture :lol:

6..Became one of them NASA monkeys to he'd get free booze

5..Some monkeys make movies with Clint Eastwood, he once starred with Sir John Gielgud

4..Defeated baboon and lemur on "Jeopardy's" primate week :lol:

3..Only animal in the zoo with a 401k plan

2..Leaned how to mute the TV when "The View" is on

1..Got himself Governor of California

 

[SunsetBoulevard]

0..His IQ is as high as George Bush's. In monkey IQ it's considered high... at least good enough.

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN TITLES OF MY RECENT BLOG ENTRIES

10..My big decision, hair plugs or hairpiece

9..A summary of today's hate mail

8..Fun places to take off your pants

7..101 reasons why chocolate is better than men.. am I right ladies?

6..Ways to take down a gator

5..Tuesdays with Shecky

4..Rick the creepy intern who won't stop staring at me [shot of creepy guy staring at Dave.. psycho sting] :lol:

3..Are you there, God, it's me Dave?

2..Monkeys or kitties..which ones are cuter?

1..How is it that Scott baio is still single?

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT DEREK JETER

10..In 2002. I set a Major League record of 97 consecutive games without scratching myself :lol:

9..I can put five baseballs in my mouth

8..Remember I missed a game last year with a "pulled hamstring"? I actually had Streisand tickets

7..When Johnny Damon cut his hair, I put it in my scrapbook

6..I'd trade my four World Series rings for a spot on the Late Show's "Impressionist Week 2"

5..When the Red Sox fans shout "Yankees suck" it really hurts my feelings :lol:

4..The thing I love the most about being a baseball player is seeing a child's eyes light up when I give them my autograph...oh, and the crazy paycheck :devil:

3..Between you and me, I don't get all the ass-slapping either

2..So I'm not bothered by fans, when I check into hotel rooms, I sign in as "David Letterman"

1..Rosie quit "The View" so we could spend more quality time together

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS GOING THROUGH PEOPLES MINDS WHILE VISITING THE ZOO

10..Popcorn shrimp

9..Shark Week

8..Balm

7..Snake venom antidote

6..Tommy Lasorda

5..Telemundo

4..Cole Slaw

3..Season one of 'Magum P.I. on DVD

2..Fudge

1..Jessica Biel

 

[SunsetBoulevard]

Jessica Biel? Why? I don't get it at all.

 

[Desertwind]

Hey Sunset I don't get it either stupid!1 maybe their bored and thinking of her, and I know Letterman is smitten with Jessica.. sooo!

WEB EXCLUSIVE..TOP TEN REASONS TO BE HAPPY

10..Cookies

9..Pluto no longer a planet

8..The upcoming ABC sitcom, featuring those hilaarious Geico caveman

7..Mojitos

6..Thanks to technological advances, some Lenscrafters can now make glasses in about 15 minutes

5..Tony and Anna are one step closer to getting together on "Days Of Our Lives" :lol:

4..Only 3 more on the list

3..Bite-sized popcorn chicken shakers, for a limited time only at Arby's

2..Discount Mexican Viagra

1..Jessica Biel.. AGAIN

 

[SunsetBoulevard]

Ok, that's pretty annoying! I like Jessica, she's an awesome and beautiful actress, I think they should leave her alone. Why don't they do the same to Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears or Paris Hilton?

 

[Desertwind]

I know, tell the writers at CBS/Late Show

TOP TEN THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN PACKING AND SHIPPING YOURSELF

10..Clearly mark box "Handle with care..dumb guy inside

9..Make sure you're delivered to a Fed Ex location near a hospital

8..Bring a pen to sign for yourself when you get there

7..The "Etc, in "Mail Boxes Etc" stands for shipping live humans beings in crates

6..Traveling in box still more comfortable than flying America West :lol:

5..Styrofoam peanuts are not as tasty as real peanuts

4..It's quicker and cheaper to fax yourself

3..Headset rental is not available in the airplane's cargo hold

2..TiVo "CSI"

1..Be prepared to endure headlines like "Jackass In The Box" :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS THE EARTH IS TOO DAMN HOT

10..It's so 'hot', that Tom Cruise was screamming at Al Roker

9..It's so 'hot', Willie Nelson got caught with a kilo if Italian Ices

8..It's so 'hot', Mahmoud Almadinejad is enriching Gatorade

7..It's so 'hot', I saw Rachel Ray making soup..in the East River

6..It's so 'hot', Britney Spears baby is driving a convertible

5..It's so 'hot', Bobby Brown called Whitney Houston just to get the cold shoulder

4..It's so 'hot, Katie Couric is doing the news in a tankini

3..It's so 'hot, Al Gore has a new movie calle "An Incovenient Sweat Stain"

2..It's so 'hot', Paris Hilton was seen canoodling with Ted Williams head

1.. It's so 'hot' ,Kim Mc Greevey is having an affair with ben & Jerry