DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS HEADING FOR A BREAK-UP

10..Wakes up, rolls over and says "Damn you're still here"? :confused:

9..She's just hired a pool boy...and you don't have a pool :rolleyes:

8..You call her "Honey" she calls you 'Numb Nuts" :mad:


7..You overhear your wife on the phone saying, "How much would it cost to kill my husband"? :(

6..You come home to find her handling the UPS guy's package :eek:

5..You start sleeping in separate houses, in separate time zones :cool:

4..You're so unhapy together, that the only thing that cheers you up is seeing the hilarious movie "The Break Up" :D

3..You look back at the drunken bottle-throwing fights as "the good times" :rolleyes:

2..At your backyard barbecue she refers to your best friend as "Lover"... I mean "Larry" :eek:

1..Keeps asking "Why can't you be more like George Clooney :lol:
 
TOP TEN EXCUSES OF THE TUBERCULOSIS TRAVELER

10.."Calm down..most of the people I coughed on were foreigners :eek:

9..How was I supposed to know drug-resitant bacteria was a bad thing.. who I'm I 'HOUSE'? :D

8..When the doctor told me I had TB, I assumed he meant "Terrific Breath" :p

7..Of course my judgement was impaired, I had Tuberculosis you moron :lol:

6..If people with a dangerous communicable disease are not allowed to travel among innocent travelers, the terrorists have won :mad:

5..No number 5..writer infected by TB Traveler :(

4..Ha! you've been Tuberculosis'd :eek:

3..It's just a drug resistant TB, what harm can it do :rolleyes:

2..Surgical mask makes me feel like Spider Man :D

1..Hey, it's still better than flying JetBlue..am I right people?

:confused:
 
TOP TEN PRESIDENT BUSH GLOBAL WARMING SOLUTIONS

10..Instead of "Partly Sunny", have weatherman say "Pretty Cloudy" :rolleyes:

9..Stop using Air Force One for Texas barbecue runs :(

8..Replace dangerous CO2 in the atmosphere with more eco-friendly CO1 :D

7..Encourage people to walk more by distributing free Dr. School massaging gel inserts. "Are you gellin'" :cool:

6..Watch Al Gore movie one of these nights instead of "Dukes Of Hazzard" :lol:

5..Bob Barker's free. Get hin workin' on it :rolleyes:

4..Send more troops to Iraq :mad:

3..Reduce hot air emissions by cancelling "The View" :confused:

2..I dunno, tax cuts for the rich :(

1..RESIGN :devil:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS PARIS HILTONS ISN'T DOING WELL IN PRISON

10..Suffereing from insomnia because she's not used to sleeping in the same bed every night :eek:

9..Too depressed to parcipate in prison riots :D

8..Desperate for intimacy, she made a boyfriend out of a stuffed laundry bag :rolleyes:

7..She's ballooned to 93 pounds :confused:

6..Only time she said "That's Hot!" was during delousing :lol:

5..Knitted a tea cozy from rat fur... oh, sorry that joke was left over from Martha Stewart's list :rolleyes:

4..Only call she recieved was from Eddie Brill asking for her out cue :eek:

3..Was overheard muttering something about "I'm for Kucnich" :lol:

2..Started a pen pal romance with Phil Spector :devil:

1..At last night's conjugal, she seemed distant :D
 
TOP TEN SIGNS PARIS HILTON HAS FOUND GOD

10..Instead of pretending to read newspapers, now pretending to read the Bible :eek:

9..Been exchanging text messages with Pope Benedict XV1 :rolleyes:

8..New catchphrase, That's holy" :devil:

7..Begins each day with a prayer to Santa :D

6..Spent the last 10 hours trying to turn water into Cosmopolitans :p

5..Vowed to give up all earthly possessions that are no longer in style :lol:

4..Changed chihuahua's name form Tinkerbell to Ezekiel :rolleyes:

3..Now, only time she gets on her knees is to pray :confused:

2..Latest sex tape sponsored by the National Council of Churches :devil:

1..Often ask's herself, "where would Jesus shop"? :(
 
That's great that you met Rupert, Dave so ribs him, but I didn't see the pic/ on your photobucket :confused:

TOP TEN FLOYD LANDIS EXCUSES

10..High altitude in the Alps made daddy dizzy :D

9..Who can resist Balco's delicious 'spicy chipolte flavor' :confused:

8..I was trying to impress Sherly Crow :p

7.."Uh..global warming :eek:

6..The world hates Americans already, so does this really matter? :rolleyes:

5..French bastards must have dosed my quiche :eek:

4..Wanted to give "New York Post" excuse to run hilarious "Fink Floyd' headline :(

3..Hulk, no need excuse :lol:

2..Frankly, I'd rather be a disgrace, than a loser :eek:

1..Screw you..I'm Floyd *** damn Landis :devil:
 
Oops. guess I put it in my other photobucket...here is the pic
My friend who took the piture for me kept hitting the power button instead of the capture button, so this was the 4th time he had to stand with me :lol:
 
WOW :eek: that's pretty awesome, your a celebrity and a cutie ;) thank's for posting this, so are you a New Yorker?

TOP TEN SIGNS PARIS HILTON MIGHT BE HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

10..Can no longer make the obvious distinction between things that are 'hot' and 'not hot' :D

9..Keeps asking when the episode of "The Simple Life" will finish filming and how come Nicole's not in it :rolleyes:

8..Think's all the men in uniform are their for the strippers surprise party :lol:

7..Sobs uncontrollably, after watching re-runs of "The Jeffersons" :confused:

6..She's planning on relasing another CD when she gets out :(

5..Is hoping that she'll set a new fashion statement with her new ankle jewerly line :cool:

4..Convinced she's married to Brad Pitt and now wants to adopt Nicole Richie :rolleyes:

3..Hired Rosie O'Donnell to be her new image consultant :mad:

2..A bizzare display of improverished morality and hunble calm :cool:

1..Under that orange jumpsuit..Underwear :p
 
TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH PEOPLES MINDS on a whirly ride!

10..I never realized how beautiful Hot Springs, Ark. is upside down :D


9..Well it's better than flying JetBlue :eek:

8..Haipriece don't fail me now :rolleyes:

7..Why don't I notice the nmae of the ride "Power Outage" :mad:

6..Who's operating this thing, Lindsay Lohan :lol:

5..Where's Spider Man? :eek:

4..Am I being "Punked"?.. We know this is an old reference, but it's sumnmer, watch for new jokes in the fall :D

3..How long before I urp up the cheese fries? :confused:

2..Worst Al Qaeda plot ever :confused:

1..This isn't as disapointing as the "Sopranos" finale :mad:
 
TOP TEN SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT DICK CHENEY

10.Every morning eats a case of Slim Jims :eek:

9..Shares three heart attacks aniversary with Larry King :(

8..Sent Paris cigarettes and nylons while she was in lock-up :D

7..Went bald at age 12 :eek:

6..In 1983, accidently shot himself in the nuts :mad:

5..Wrote pilot for ABC's "Lets Torture Mick Jagger Show" :lol:

4..Is the only member of the Bush administration to see both Ford and Nixon naked :devil:

3..Banned from D.C's IHOP :D

2..He spends the majority of his time yelling to White House visitors "Get off the lawn" :confused:

1..Has made a half dozen adult films under the name "Chain Dickey" :cool:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS PARIS HILTON IS A CHANGED WOMAN

10..She's seriously thinking about looking for a job :eek:

9..Has learned the names of nearly all of her servants :(

8..Has a new catch phrase "that's unreasonable' :D

7..No more pretending to be sober, now pretending to be religious :rolleyes:

6..Proceeds from future sex videos go the "The Boys and Girls Club of America :eek:

5..Has started dating Shecky :confused:

4..Devoting all her free time to tracking down Bin Laden :lol:

3..Instead of putting out sub-par music and cheesy movies, she'll be putting out cheesy music sub-par movies :cool:

2..Constantly asking "What would Paula Abdul do"? :rolleyes:

1..Well, she's wearing panties :p
 
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN LINE TO BUY THE iPHONE

10..Finally I can talk on the phone while watching 'Laverne & Shirley' :rolleyes:

9..Can I call Mars with this thing? :D

8..Sorry folks, Apple just announced it's obsolete :(

7..I'll be right back, I have to take an iLeak ;)

6..The iPhone's OS X system and accelator, eh, I dont know what I'm talking about :confused:

5..This is why the terrorists hate us :mad:

4..iPhone buyers on the left, muggers stealing iPhones on the right :eek:

3..I'ts $499 for the 4GB model, or $599 for the deluxe model which makes waffles :lol:

2..I'm changing my name to iLarry :rolleyes:

1..I don't care about the features, as long as it vibrates :p
 
TOP TEN THINGS VENUS WILLIAMS WOULD LIKE TO SAY AFTER WINNING HER 4th WIMBLEDON TITLE

10..I blew my prize money ona sandwich and a medium soda at the snack bar! :rolleyes:

9..It always helps to tip the line judges :eek:

8..Frankly, I prefer racquetball :D

7..Al the rate I'm going, I'll have won 50 Wimbledon titles by the age of 120 :confused:

6..I own it all to my new iRacket :D

5..I'm taking some time off to polish my trophies :cool:

4..The secret to my forehand smash? I imagine the ball is Letterman's head :eek:

3..Imagine how I'd do if I practiced :lol:

2..Dont tell me how I did in the finals, I TiVo'd it :rolleyes:

1..Steinbrenner just signed me up to save the Yankees :D
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CONVERSATION STARTERS

10..Can you tell I have drug-resistant tuberculosis? :confused:

9..Hoe do you like my Al-Quaeda t-shirt? :devil:

8..Wanna see me drop my pants and fire a rocket? :eek:

7..I once lived across the street from Maury Povich :(

6..Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty :confused:

5..If you were a woman, I'd bet you'd be pretty :rolleyes:

4..Are you a cop? :mad:

3..Hi, I'm Shecky :lol:

2..Anyone watch Letterman last night? :cool:

1..Mind if I call you mommy? :lol:
 
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