DAVES TOP TEN

Status
Not open for further replies.
TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT DEREK JETER

10..In 2002, I set a Major League record of 97 consectitive games, without scratching myself :lol:

9..I can put five baseballs in my mouth :eek:


8..Remember when last year, I missed a game because of a pulled hamstring?.. I actually had Streisand tickets :D

7..When Johnny Damon cut his hair, I put it in my scrapbook :confused:

6..I'd trade my four World Series rings for a spot on the Late Shows "Impressionist week" :D

5..When Red sox fans shout "Yankees SUCK" it really hurts my feelings :(

4..The thing I love the most about being a baseball player is seeing a childs eyes light up when give them an autograph.. oh, and the crazy paychedk :lol:

3..Between you and me I don't get all the ass slapping either :rolleyes:


2..So I'm not bothered by fans, I check into hotels and use the name "David Letterman' :lol:

1..Rosie quite "The View" so we could spend more time together :lol:
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR PROM

10..The theme is "A Night in Gitmo" :eek:

9..The janitor is making a fresh batch of punch :confused:

8..I couldn't afford a corsage, so I bought some iceberg lettuce..who wants to hear that :eek:

7..For the next dance, I want you all you Sunnis to grab a Shite :rolleyes:

6..I plan on having sex tonight.. of course not with you :mad:

5..Would you like to go somplace quiet and discuss the joys of Scientology :rolleyes:

4.."Surprise"..I wore my Spock ears" :lol:

3..Are you a cop? :(

2..Paris Hilton will attend anything :cool:

1..Nice dress, Carl :p
 
TOP TEN SIGNS FIDEL CASTRO IS FULLY RECOVERED

10..Every morning, 45 minutes of torture, followed by 45 minutes of cardio :eek:

9..His coat is shiny and his nose is wet :D

8..Organized six guerillas to rob Mick Jagger's apartment :lol:

7..His 1959 Chrysler Imperial was soptted at an IHOP :p

6..In NFL draft, was picked by Brady Quinn :rolleyes:

5..Recently pimped out his MySpace :cool:

4..Returned to favorite hobbies of his youth like tennis and kidnapping :mad:

3..Tried to get on Late Show Impressionist week 2. doing Pacino in "Sscarface" :lol:

2..He's put on 30 pounds, he's wearing fatigues, he's spewing propaganda..wait a minute, that's Rosie O'Donnell :eek:

1..Hasn't had a "Cuban Missle Crisis" in some tme, if you know what I mean :eek:
 
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN "SPIDER-MAN 3"

10..Spider-Man must stop an angry, un-employed Rosie O'Donnell :lol:

9..Becasue of promotional tie-in, instead of webbing, shoots Mountain Dew :eek:

8..Spider-Man's secret is leaked by Dick Cheney :rolleyes:

7..New black consume comes with matching pumps and handbag :D

6..Crime rises while Spider-Man is home enjoying Late Show Impressionist week 2 :confused:

5..Plost centers around negioations surrounding Spider-Man 4 ;)

4..Spider-Man passes out, becaus he forgot to punch hole in his mask :D

3..The professor can make a radio out of a coconut, but can't build a raft to get them off the island :eek:

2..Well, the ending where Spidey dies, was kinda of surprising :rolleyes:

1..Tingly spider sense, as a result of a night with Paris Hilton :confused:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS A BASEBALL PLAYER IS GETTING TOO OLD

10..Gets winded just putting on his socks :eek:

9..Hard slide into second base triggers life-alert pendant :rolleyes:

8..While playing in the outfield, yells at his team mates to "get the hell off my lawn" :lol:

7..When buying the performing-enhancing drugs, gets the ARRP discount :cool:

6..Claims he killed President McKinley with a line drive :mad:

5..Often begins sentences with "As Shoeless Jackson once told me" :confused:

4..He's almost as old as the hot dogs.. seriously, have you eaten those :eek:

3..Lost part of his foot fighting in WW1 :rolleyes:

2..During his speeches, he thank's the Lord and the makers of Super Polygrip :lol:

1..When he's on the deck-circle, he asks the bat boy. "what am I here for"? :D
 
TOP TEN PIECES OF ADVICE I'VE GIVEN DAVE OVER THE YEARS.. BY HIS MOM

10..Be yourself..but less annoying :lol:

9..Ease up on the aftershave :rolleyes:

8..At Christmas, remember to tip your parol officer :confused:

7..Stick to it..don't give up, and someday you'll have a thrid-rate talk show :D

6..Quit bothering Oprah :eek:


5..If anyone asks, tell them were not related :lol:

4..Let America see what a wonderful dancer you are :rolleyes:

3..Never give Regis your home phone :mad:

2..I prefer Leno :lol:

1..You're not fooling anybody with that hairpiece :confused:
 
TOP TEN WAYS PARIS HILTON IS PREPARING FOR JAIL

10..Asking Martha for "shower fight" tips :D

9..Meeting with Revlon to market signature delousing spray :confused:

8..Looking up reciepe for making Cosmopolitians in the toilet :eek:

7..Attending Tampa Bay Devil Rays games to get used to solitary :(

6..Seeking permission to videotape her conjugals :p

5..No number 5..writer to upset by verdict to write a joke :lol:

4..Seeing what Prada has in orange jump suits :eek:

3..I dunno..getting drunk, and acting like a tramp?..seriously young people..keep it clean :rolleyes:

2..Telling herself "Heck, 45 days, that's not even a month" :rolleyes:

1..Giving guards a list of how she likes to be searched :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS BOB BARKER CAN SAY NOW THAT HE'S RETIRING

10..We get the prizes cheap, because they're stolen :eek:

9..The actual retail price of the retirment watch CBS gave me... $17.95 :D

8..Before we gave them away, I personally try out every hot tub :rolleyes:

7..Slip daddy some cash and the Showcase Showdown wheel lands of whatever you want :cool:


6..Sleeping till noon and playing golf all day? Come on down :)

5..Howie Mandel may be younger but at least I still have my hair :D

4..I only wish Regis was alive to see this :lol:

3..Oh my last show I'm going to tell people "Go neuter your selves :eek:

2..I'm not only a game show host..I'm also Spider Man :lol:

1..Some older people have the good sense to retire unlike Letterman :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A LAME NUDIST COLONY

10..At least once a day, the bartender gets his deal caught in the blender :eek:

9..It's crawlin' with fire ants :(

8..The women look less like Jessica Alba and more like Jessica Tandy [rent "Cocoon" on DVD at Blockbuster today] :rolleyes:

7..Larry King shows up wearng only suspenders :p

6..Colony's slogan...EWWWWWWWWWW :confused:

5..Hottest woman ther is wearing a "Worlds Greatest Grandmother" hat :D

4..No number 4..writer at lame nudist colony :confused:

3..It's two naked guys in a tent :eek:

2..Dinner finds you on the bathroom floor eating next to David Hasselhoff :(

1..Everybody sort of looks like "Shrek" :lol:
 
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN AL GORE'S NEW BOOK.. PRESENTED BY CHARLES BARKLEY

10..Dedicated to my "soulmate" Lindsay Lohan :eek:

9..52 chapters..to match my waist size :D

8..Chatises Bill Clinton for not sharing the 'hot' intern :(

7..After the 2000 election, shaved his head and checked into rehab :D

6..All proceeds go to Paris Hiltons' defense fund:eek:

5..The threat that keeps him up at night a massive Fritos shortage :p

4..In his opinion there's no species more endangered than the New York Yankees :lol:

3..Besides the internet, he claims to have invented Keno :rolleyes:

2..If Blake loses "Am. Idol" he plans to appeal to the Supreme Court :lol:

Brgas now that he's written more books than Bush has ever read :eek:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD PIRATE MOVIE

10..Parrot infects entire cast with Bird Flu :eek:

9..The swashbuckling character is named "Gilligan" :D

8..Pirate wears eye patch because of nasty racquetball injury :(

7.."Ship" is really a 1992 Toyota Corolla :lol:

6..It stars Johnny Depp's cousin Carl Depp :mad:

5..Long discussions about which is the best over-the-counter seasickness remedy :confused:

4..It chronicles the hero's attempt to open a Long John Silver's franchise :D

3..Instead of the hook, pirates hand is replaced by a "we're #1 foam finger" :lol:

2..Pirates square off against those hilarious Geico caveman :mad:

1..I'ts basically "Brokeback Mountain" on a boat :lol:
 
TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT MITT ROMNEY

10..Name is short for "Mitzi" :D

9..In favor of tax-cuts for hunky, white dudes :p

8..Starts each day wrasslin' a gator :eek:

7..Made his fortune selling counterfeit Prada handbags :rolleyes:

6..Won NBA endorsement by vowing to shoot as many old guys as Cheney :mad:

5..Once defeated Chuck Lidell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title :rolleyes:

4..Is the model on the packages of Jockey underwear :devil:

3..When he leaves politics, plans to spend his golden years with his hair :lol:

2..Would be the first be the first Mitt in the White House since Mitt Quincy Adams :lol:

1..Besides Hillary, only candidate to wear a bra :confused:
 
TOP TEN THINGS I CAN SAY NOW THAT I'VE WON THE MASTERS

10..I'm going to spend the prize money on Mountain Dew and Beef jerky :D

9..I once beat a caddy to death with my 7-iron :eek:

8..It's so weird.. before this weekend, I'd never broken 100 :rolleyes:

7..The jacket's okay, but I'm love the "Worlds Greatest Golfer" key chain :cool:

6..Even I've never heard of me :confused:

5..If ou like golf, you'll love the sleek looks and smooth handling of the 2007 Volkswagon Golf Sedan.. I just made 50 grand :D

4..I just wrote dwon "3" for every hole.. and nobody checked :eek:

3..Maybe I can parlay this into an apperance on "Dancing With The Stars" :lol:

2..It's a magical week..first I win the Masters, and now I get to be on a 3rd rate talk show :confused:

1..Thank's to global warming, next year I'm playing without my pants :p
 
TOP TEN REASONS WHY I, HOMER SIMPSON, SHOULD BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT

10..I'm smarter thatn that last guy :D

9..With an oval office, I can't bump into anything ;)

8..FOX news is alredy on my side :eek:

7..I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job :p

6..I have enormous expierence apologizing for failed decisions :lol:

5..I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts :p

4..My middle name isn't Hussein..anymore :eek:

3..I will be secretary of Donuts :rolleyes:

2..My vice president will be Mayor McCheese :p

1..Kick-ass inauguration party! bring a six-pack and your're in :D
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top