DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING WAY TOO MUCH "AMERICAN IDOL"

10..At confession, you say "Forgive me dawg, for I have sinned" :devil:

9..Each week, you vote one of your kids out of the house :eek:

8..After an amorous night with your wife, you say in a British accent.."Awful, just pathetic" :(

7..FOX switchboard operator knows you by name :D

6..When "Idol" comes on, you do the adult diapers thing :confused:

5..Had your stomach stapled like Randy and you weren't even overweight :cool:

4..You actually uinderstand what Paula is blabbling about :lol:

3..No number 3..writer watching "American Idol" :rolleyes:

2..Got Adam Sandler to guest host your talk show so you could stay home and watch Sanjaya :p

1..YOur TIVo recommends you get some serious counciling :D
 
TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE ONE MILLION DOLLAR LAPTOP

10..Goes with your $600,000 desk chair :lol:

9..If you hit Control-F-5, a kid shows up at your door with a meatball sub :p

8..Mouse is an actual mouse..WHAT? that doesn't make sense :rolleyes:

7..Play a 'Sanford and Son" DVD, smart techology cuts right to the funny part where Fred is having the "big one" :confused:

6..Pop ups tell you every time Paris Hilton is having sex on the internet :eek:

5..Pre-programmed with Craig T. Nelson's e-mail address :confused:

4..Documentation that explains what the "Scroll lock" key actualy does.. am I right people? let me hear you! ;)

3..High-defination licking screen that tastes like bacon :p

2..All I'm sayin' is, it better get me laid :eek:

1..Instead of "You got mail" computer says "You got screwed" :devil:
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR PROM THEMES

10..Enchanment Under House Arrest :eek:

9..A Night In Rome.. I mean, the Gymnasium :devil:

8..Nest Stop ..Teen Pregancy :eek:

7..A Magical Evening with O.J. Simpson :mad:

6..Save The Last Dance For The Creepy Shop Teacher :lol:

5..Tomorrow We Work At McDonalds :(

4..Welcome To The World Of Herpes :confused:

3..Eternally Seacrest :D

2..I Only Have Eyes For Your Foxy Friend :eek:

1..Prelude To A Hangover :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAR HAS TO BE RECALLED

10..Windshield wipers are on the inside :lol:

9..Salesman offeres to knock $500 off your funeral :eek:

8..To make a right turn, you have to physically get out and turn the wheels :D

7..You peel off the license plate and see "Sanjaya rules"

6..Feature that sets it apart from other vehicles.. it constanly starts fires :mad:

5..The "fan belt" spits venom and wraps around your neck :eek:

4..Buckets seats..are actually buckets :D

3..Dealer brags. "This is the car that Stephen King" use in "Christine" :eek:

2..Horn only audible to dogs :lol:

1..From the tramission you distantly hear the cries of James Brolin :devil:
 
TOP TEN THINGS I CAN SAY NOW THAT I'VE WON THE MASTERS

10..I'm going to spend the prize money of Mountain Dew and Beef jerky :p

9..I once beat a caddie to death with my 7-iron :eek:

8..I't so weird ...before this weeekend, I'd never broken 100 :rolleyes:


7..The jacket's OK, but I'm really excited about "The Worlds Greatest Golfer" key chain

6..Even I've never heard of me :confused:

5..If you like golf, you'll love the sleek look's and smooth handling of the 2007 Volkswagon Golf Sedan..I just made 50 grand :eek:

4..I just wrote down "3" for every hole..nobody checked :eek:

3..Maybe I can parlay this into a appearance on 'Dancing With The Stars" :D

2..What a magicial week.. first I win the masters, and now I'm on Letterman's top ten list :cool:

1..Thank's to global warming.. next year I'm playing without any pants :p
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE TAX TIME MORE FUN

10..Everything that goes to the IRS, I lick :confused:

9..Everytime I write the number "8" I draw a hat of the top, to make it look like a Snowman :lol:

8..I try to deduct items that don't exist like.. jimrod..they'll be trying to figure out what that is for years :D

7..With each tax return. include some of your favorite accountant "fat Jokes" ..like "Yo, accountant is so fat he claims his fat ass as a dependent" :lol:

6..This time of year, I don't wear underpants :eek:

5..I don't think it's possible to make tax time more fun :mad:

4..Aww, crap.. it's tax time? :rolleyes:

3..That big stack of papers on my desk..I just pour pancake syrup on em' and eat em' :p

2..Every year I get to leave my desk, to read these stupid top ten list ;)

1..When I finish my tax work, I go and find myself a whore :eek:
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN THINGS I CAN SAY NOW THAT I'VE WON THE MASTERS


6..Even I've never heard of me :confused:
Click to expand...

This year's Masters was surprisingly won by a relative unknown, Zach Johnson, who read off this list just a day after winning the Green Jacket. Many people, after seeing him win, were like "Who the hell is Zach Johnson?"
2..What a magicial week.. first I win the masters, and now I'm on Letterman's top ten list :cool:
Click to expand...

Um, I think you quoted this wrong. I think it was "What a magical week.. first I win the Masters, and now I get to do lame jokes on some third-rate talk show".

I do have to say that Zach is really handling this well, considering he just won the biggest golf tournament out there today. And, earlier in the show, they had a spoof message from the PGA: "We at the PGA would like to congratulate this year's Masters winner, Tiger Woo... oh, I mean Zach Johnson."
 
Happy birthday, desertwind!! Have a nice day and enjoy it to the fullest!

I never watch that show (i'm not at the US), but the top tens are very funny to read!
 
Thank's Mayte very thoughful ;)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BAD LUCK

10..For three months you've been sitting on the tarmac on a stranded JetBlue flight :eek:

9..When you play Roulette, you not only lose, but the wheel flys off and kills a guy :(

8..Instead of "The Luck of the Irish" you have "The Luck of the Kurds" :mad:

7..When ordering a matress, you forget and leave the "S" off disqualifying you from any discount :confused:

6..Your a member of the New York Knicks :rolleyes:

5..Highlights of your trip to New York was attending a taping of the Late Show :D

4..You purchased some of that tainted Kitty food.. kitty's alright.. you not so good :eek:

3..On your flight you were seated between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trunp :eek:

2..No matter how often you shower..you still smell like bacon :confused:

1..As unlucky as you are.. your wife is getting lucky every night :p
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS.. FOR NEW YORK..HOW RAINY IS IT

10..It's so rainy,. people are going to the Knicks games, just to stay dry :lol:

9..It's so rainy..Rosie O'Donnell, is fueding with the National Wheather Service :mad:

8..It's so rainy... I had to appy an extra coat of Scotchguard to my hairpeice :eek:

7..It's so rainy.. Regis guest host was the Gorton's Fisherman :D

6..It's so rainy..JetBlue delayed flights through Labor Day :rolleyes:

5..It's so rainy..Al Gore is planning a documentary on global wetness :confused:

4..It's so rainy..Tom Cruise is lecturing Matt Lauer on preciptation :cool:

3..It's so rainy.. Donald Trump has been seen using Miss USA as a flotation device :p

2..It's so rainy..President Bush is talking about sending FEMA here in 2010 :eek:

1..It's so rainy.. your stuck in here watching the Top Ten list :lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NBA REFEREE IS NUTS

10..Keeps nude pictures of NBA commissioner David Stern in his wallet :eek:

9..Refers to the ball as "Peggy"... now that's nuts :lol:

8..Refuses to let substitutes come out of the game unless they give two week's notice :rolleyes:


7..Puts ball under his shirt, claims he's carrying LeBrons baby :eek:

6..Every time someone makes a basket, he screams "Gooooaaalll"
:D :D

5..Think's the Knicks rebuilding plan is working :confused:

4..He has a 24-second clock over his bed..that's worse than calling the ball "Peggy" :devil:

3..Well, he's the only one out there on ice skates :lol:

2..Allows players extra time for free throw if they give him a cigarette ;)

1..Asks Kobe for tips on maintaining a monogamus relationship :p
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO AKK YOURSELF BEFORE BUYING THE POPE'S USED CAR

10..Will I be able to see through the stained glass window? :eek:

9..Can I keep the vanity license plate "Holydude"? :confused:

8..Will he throw in the Creedence tapes in the glove compartment? :confused:

7..What would Jesus do? :rolleyes:

6..Should I get somethng cheaper like Billy Graham's Jeep Wagoneer? :devil:

5..Will it offend my Jewish friends? :lol:

4..Does his Holiness know why we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? :eek:

3..When's the last time he washed this thing, the Reformation? Come on people..read a book :(

2..If I drive it, will God actually be my co-pilot? :lol:

1..Will this thing get me laid? :p
 
TOP TEN REASONS ROSIE O' DONNELL IS LEAVING "THE VIEW"

10..Couldn't maintain rigorous one-hour-a-day schedule :eek:

9..It's been awkward ever since she threw Joy Behar through a plate glass window :mad:

8..Gearing up for the Kucinich-O'Donnell 2008 campaign :confused:

7..Fed up with Elizabeth's Hasselbeck's being sweet :D

6..Taking tme off to be with her fiance Donald Trump :(

5..She feels she can get more feuding done by working at home :rolleyes:

4..No number two..writer too despondent after hearing the news :lol:

3..Can make more money wrasslin' gators in Florida :rolleyes:

2..Tired of tripping over empty Gin bottles in Barbara Walters office :eek:

1..Tested positive for steroids :devil:
 
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