DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN WAYS GEORGE W. BUSH CAN BOOST HIS POPULARITY

10..Hang Saddam again :devil:

9..Improve focus by removing Playstation 3 from Oval office

8..Develop steamy "Will they or won't they" relationship with Nancy Pelosi

7..Make people believe there's a waffle shortage, then when people see waffles in their supermarket, he'll be a hero :lol:

6..Turn weekly radio address into wacky morning zoo

5..Redcorate Oval Office to look like the set of "The View"..people love 'The View"

4..RESIGN YESSSSSSSSSSS

3..Covene blue ribbon panel to find out what the hell is wrong with Paula Abdul :lol:

2..Nail a heavy-set intern

1..Deploy 20,000 troops to put underpants on Britney Spears
:lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE BUYING A 108-INCH TELEVISION

10..Do I want the neighbors to know I watch 'Maury"?

9..Will I finally see al the rich detail I've been missing in "According To Jim"?

8..Is my living room roughly the size of Yankee Stadium?

7..Will a 108-inch Wolf Blitzer scare the dog? :lol:

6..Do I really need to spend ten grand to watch "Judge Joe Brown"?

5..Are these the same bastards that sold me the 108-inch toaster?

4.Do I need a TV that weighs more than I do?

3..What do I do with my old 103-inch TV?

2..If I don't buy it, the terrorists win :devil:

1..Can I still get the "Late Show" in low-definition?

 

[Tinkerbell]

desertwind by now you must know the rules on banners sizes! I'm starting to sound like a broken record. :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN MESSAGES LEFT ON FIDEL CASTRO'S ANSWERING MACHINE

10.."Yo, it's Raul, where's the key to the humidor?

9..It's Blockbuster, please return 'Girls Of The Revolution Gone Wild" :lol:

8..Which fatigues do you want to be buried in, the light olive green ones, or the darker olive green ones?

7..It's Kim Jong 11..when you're gone, can I have your Playstation?

6..Mel Gibson here, I think we all know who's responsible for this

5..Does this mean you're dropping out or "Dancing With The Stars"?

4..Holy crap, El, Nino's on Letterman

3..Hi, this is Paula Abdul, and I just want to say, hey wah..like..when..wow.. I heard...okay, later

2..It's Saddam, see ya soon!! :devil:

1..Wow, congratulations on having Cuba's only answering machine

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS PAULA ABDUL IS NUTS

10..Let Lindsay Lohan drive her home fro an AA meeting

9..Has started sleeping with 'Price Is Right" contestants

8..Whenever she watches "Two And A Half Men" she asks, "Which one was I married too"?

7..Keeps telling eveyone she loves being on "The Gong Show"

6..Let the cartoon cat from her music video 'Opposites Aattact" file her taxes

5..When "American Idol" contestants mention her hit, "Straight Up" instinctively blurts out "NO" with a twist

4..Thought Larry King was a contestant on the show, and slept with him

3..Oh, I don't know...the "Kucinch in 09" button maybe

2..She's leaving "American Idol" to revieve "Mananimal"

1..Hasn't slept with a "Idol" contestant in week's

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE EATING AT TACO BELL

10..Are my affairs in order?

9..Why is the kid at the counter wearing a Hazmat suit?

8..Will the hot sauce kill the bacteria?

7..Is this how they poisoned that Russian spy?

6..Do I really want to succumb to a taco-related death?

5..Should I go somewhere safer for lunch, like Fallujah?

4..Will this help me meet the recommended E-coli daily?


3..No number..writer ate a bad chulpa

2..What would Kristie Ally do?

1..Wait..when was taco Bell not tainted with E-coli?

 

[Dynamo1]

Gee, thanks a lot, desertwind. Guess where I just got back from eating dinner. Get the stomach pump ready.

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR MALL STORES

10..Big Tall and Gay

9..Ahmedinejad & Fitch

8..Denistry Shack

7..Burlington Goat Factory :devil:

6..Old Gravy

5..Fredericks of Trenton :lol:

4..Billy Dee-Sonoma

3..Just Croutons

2..Larry King's Suspenders World

1..Taco Bell

 

[Dynamo1]

Again with the Taco Bell. Letterman must hate that place. Too bad he didn't mention one that I once worked at: Radio Shlock. I wonder how many advertisers he loses from those lists.

 

[Desertwind]

All in jest, his writers compile them anyway.. and Taco Bell, is great!!!and he's flthy rich with other sponsers, don't think he cares!!!

TOP TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED WORKING FOR DAVID LETTERMAN from members of his staff!!

10..Heart bypass, is a good cover for a face lift and hair plugs

9..If Regis calls, Dave is in a meeting

8..It wouldn't be Monday, with out Dave's freshly bakced bananna-nut muffins

7..Just like Britney...never wears underpants

6..He may be demanding, he may be difficult, but at the end of the day, he's a real prick :lol:

5..I'm declining to comment on the advice of my attorney

4..Dave thinks everyone on the staff is named Doug :lol:

3..I love working for Dave, he's an honorable man :devil:

2..I've wasted my life

1..He'll always answer to "Hey, a..hole"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DN'T WANT TO HEAR IN THE HUDDLE

10..Let's get fired up by hearing tunes from 'Dreamgirls"

9..Hey, who's your wife kissing on the Jumbotron?

8..Is it bad that the defense is looking through our Playbook?

7..I think I put my cap on backwards

6..That's hilarious, some guy in the stands is holding up a "D and a "Fence" :lol:

5..Let's run a play that's shaped like a kitty

4..Anybody TiVo last week's "Ugly Betty"

3..I swallowed my mouth piece

2..After tonight, I'll really miss showering with you guys

1..Let's win one for Saddam :devil:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN VALENTINE'S DAY TRADITIONS IN THE MARINE CORPS

10..Instead of our usual Marine song, we sing 'Johnny Mathis

9..Show someone you like her, by showing her how to load her M-16

8..For one day minesweepers are called "your mine sweepers"

7..Going AWOL to see my gal in Georgia.. oh wait, disregard that

6..Eating those litle heart candies like read, "I love you, maggot"

5..Forgot to send flowers, just borrow a jet, and deliver them yourself

4..Chocolate-covered strawberries

3..For one day every unit gets to wear red & white camouflage :lol:

2..Using high-tech surveillance and intelligence-gathering methods to identfy secret admirers :lol:


1..Chocolates- hell, we eat ammo

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN BEARS EXCUSES

10..Too much pre-game paella

9..Hard to be motivated by a gy named "Lovie" :lol:

8..In every huddle talked about 'American Idol"

7..Peyton promsed to put us in a commercial if we let him win

6..Colts players were shoving us

5..We're not used to bad weather

4..We couldn't adjust the the time change

3..Like the rest of America we wanted to see Peyton win

2..Hard to play when your excited about Lettermans up-coming Ventriloquist Week :lol:

1..Worried about sharing the locker room with Prince

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS AN ASTRONAUT IS TRYING TO KLL YOU

10..Says, "This is a giant leap for minkind", then tosses you off a bridge

9..You turn on CNN to see the Hubble Telescope zeroing in on your house

8..She promises to take you out like 'Pluto" :lol:

7..It sounds crazy, but you have a sneaking suspicion that Mars if following you around

6..You're on the Maury show, talking about, "How An Astronaut is trying to kll you" :lol:

5..Her previous attempts to kill you, have been postponed, due to high winds

4..She poisons your Tang :devil:

3..Says she looks forward to being the first one to walk on your lifeless corpse

2..Been getting threating e-mails for International Space Station.com

1..She keeps stabbing you with a can that writes upside down

 

[Tinkerbell]

desertwind! Again your banner is too large. Before you add a banner make sure it's no larger than 75 in height and 220 in width, if your unsure how to do this just right click on the images then click on properties, this will tell you the size of the image.