DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THE MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2006

10..You're 37, but still answer the phone, "Hello, mommy" :lol:

9..Only person who'll interview you is Barbara Walters nephew, Duane Walters :eek:

8..You spend your paycheck on strippers and Slim Jims :p

7..Favorite topic of conservation? Thumbtacks :(

6..Al Gore told you to stop drinking :confused:

5..Proudest day was when you unscrambeled "dgo" in the "Jumble" :rolleyes:

4..Your catchphrase is "Can't, I'm allergic"

3..The public adores you..The public being your garage full of racoons :D


2..You convened the Iraq study group to determine the state of your underpants :eek:

1..You're in charge of onions at Taco Bell :(
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR MALL STORES

10..Big, Tall & Gay :eek:

9..Ahmedinejad & Fitch :rolleyes:

8..Dentistry Shack :lol:

7..Burlington Goat Factory :confused:

6..Old Gravy :p

5..Federick;s of Trenton :D

4..Billy Dee Williams-Sonoma :cool:

3..Just Croutons :p

2..Larry King's Suspenders World :)

1..Taco Bell :(
 
Top Ten Signs You Have Radiation Poisoning

10. Your only capable blood donor is Spider-Man
John A., Anaheim, CA

9. You find that you now have the ability to cook a Hot Pocket simply by holding it in your hands
Regis W., Milwaukee, WI

8. You've been given your own number on the Table of Elements
Rae W., Springtown, TX

7. Your eyes are watering, your ears are bleeding, and you just want to die -- no, wait, that's a sign you just watched Kevin Federline perform
Jon S., Milwaukie, OR

6. You actually paid money to see the new movie "Deck The Halls"
Greg H., Ellicott City, MD

5. Iranian government wants to buy your nuclear waste
Dave B., Lethbridge, AB

4. Sex before: wife in sexy lingerie. Sex now: wife in Hazmat suit.
Chris C., Park Ridge, IL

3. You jump-started your car by attaching jumper cables to your ass
Jim Y., Cocoa, FL

2. You suffer a complete gastro-intestinal meltdown, and you haven't eaten at Taco Bell
Joe T., Pennington, NJ

1. Even Richard Simmons is jealous of your new glow
Steve B., San Carlos, CA
 
Calihan said:
7. Your eyes are watering, your ears are bleeding, and you just want to die -- no, wait, that's a sign you just watched Kevin Federline perform
Jon S., Milwaukie, OR
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Lmoa! :lol:

That gave me a giggle this morning.
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD OFFICE PARTY

10..Santa hired for party arrives handcuffed to his parole officer :eek:

9..Eggnog tastes like Gatorade mixed with white-out :mad:

8..This year, it's your turn to be the pinata :rolleyes:

7..Everyone's arressted for listening to illegally downloading Bing Crosby CD :confused:

6..Instead of "The Night Before Christmas," boss recites employees' personal e-mails :eek:

5..Party expensed are deducted from your 401K :eek:

4..It's held in August :eek:

3..The caterer..Chef Boy-ar-dee :p

2..Your boss insists on reading one of his lame top ten lists :D

1..Party consists of you, Martha, Regis, and a whole lot of mistletoe :lol:
 
It's been recently discussed that Miss USA may be disqualfied. for "behavior un-befitting" a Miss USA, whatever that means!!!! :( seems she's been hitting the "sauce" and sleazing around!!

TOP TEN MISS USA EXCUSES

10..Thought a slutty Miss USA could help make America popular again :eek:

9..Haven't been myself since I heard Rumsfeld was retiring :(

8..Cracked under the pressure of having to smile and wave at people for a "year" :rolleyes:

7..Russians drugged my sushi :lol:

6..If a hot babe can't get drunk, sleep around and make out with her female roomate, the terrorists have won :eek:

5..I told them my talent was beer pong :confused:

4..It's Isiah Thomas' fault :cool:

3..Too drunk to do #3 :eek:

2..Wanted to skip straight to the has-been portion of my career :D

1..Why should Paris Hilton get all the 'drunken whore' ink? :p
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS CAROLS..PRESENTED BY THE LATE SHOW CAROLERS

10..Here comes Ron Artest, here comes Ron Artest, ready to punch us all out :confused:

9..You're beginning to look alot more attractive/and I've had too much egg-nog :p


8..Have another dose of steroids/try the cream/ad try the clear/ keep it up a few more months/and you'll break Aarons record!! :eek:

7..I saw mommy kissing Letterman :eek:

6..I bought no gift, my kids are sad, the house look's like a dump/we can't afford Christmas because I got fired by Trump :mad:

5..O Tannebaum, O Tannebaum/why does your name sound Jewish? :confused:

4..He's lost Ascroft/Powell/Rumsfeld Evans/and Vememan/ Abraham/Paige/Ridge/and Thompson, can Bush forestall/losing his cabinet one and all? :lol:

3.What happend to Kirstie Ally? she's still as big as a house :rolleyes:

2..I'll be home for Xmas, cause Martha's out of the pen ;)

1..Chestnuts roasting by and open fire and Cheney's daughter is preggie :lol:
 
Top Ten Little-Known Facts
About Santa Claus

10. Called the cops complaining about loud parties next door at the Fortress of Solitude
Jim K., Salisbury, MA

9. As a result of global warming, now makes his rounds wearing only a Speedo
Paul P., Ossining, NY

8. Briefly married to Cher in the mid-70s
Gavin B., Lawrence, KS

7. Often mistaken for Kirstie Alley
Luke S., Teaneck, NJ

6. Was once shot in the face by Dick Cheney during a Christmas Eve "misunderstanding"
Greg T., Frisco, TX

5. Stockings aren't the only thing that are "hung"
Jackie B., Mount Morris, PA

4. Thinks Regis Philbin's Christmas album sucks
John M., Peabody, MA

3. 75% jolly, 25% malt liquor
Paul N., Mt. Pearl, NL

2. Has a permanent case of Snowballs
Stanley B., Chattanooga, TN

1. Britney Spears isn't the only one who likes to go clubbing in Las Vegas without underwear
Tommy W., Columbia
 
Good ones Calihan :lol:

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM A GUY DRESSED AS SANTA

10..All I want for Christmas is a handful of Vicodin :eek:

9..Maybe this Christmas, someone will give you a shirt tha'ts not so ugly :mad:

8..What do you want for Christmas..Ah, I really don't care :lol:

7..Feel my beard--it's 100% squirrel :eek:

6..My rabbi said I'm going to hell for wearing this :D

5..Ho..Ho..Ho.. points to 3 old women :(

4..I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while your sleeping :confused:

3..Enjoy the last Christmas before we get nuked by the North Koreans :eek:

2..Hey handsome, (to a guy} meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes :eek:

1..For a 100 bucks, I'll let you unwrap me :p
 
Top Ten Lines In the New "Rocky" Film

10. "You wouldn't hit a guy with a colostomy bag, would you?"
Greg H., Ellicott City, MD

9. "I can take his punches, but that old man smell is overwhelming"
Dave S., Ankeny, IA

8. "Can we make this fight quick? It's 'Bingo Night' back at the nursing home"
Buddy H., Winston-Salem, NC

7. "No hitting below the enlarged prostate"
Megan C., Sparta, NJ

6. "Have you tried my new 'Rocky Balboa Grill'?"
Tony A., Hammond, LA

5. "Yo, Ambien!"
Casey K., Golden, CO

4. "Rocky just lost his mouthpiece -- oh wait, it's his dentures"
Carlos V., Charlotte, NC

3. "You're never too old to pound on your meat, Paulie"
Gene S., Glassboro, NJ

2. "He not out, he's napping"
Eli F., Chicago, IL

1. "It's no more ridiculous than Letterman having a kid at his age"
Michael S., Port Washington, NY
 
Top Ten Other Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World

10. Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's.

9. According to the latest letter from Ed McMahon, he may be the winner of ten million dollars!

8. New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock.

7. Can eat as much as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as much as he wants.

6. He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never found out about her.

5. Nobody knows he killed Jacques Cousteau.

4. As president, receives copies of the "Garfield" comic strip several days in advance.

3. Portrayed in movie by John Travolta, not George "Goober" Lindsey.

2. The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat ass back to Arkansas.

1. Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns.
 
7. Your eyes are watering, your ears are bleeding, and you just want to die -- no, wait, that's a sign you just watched Kevin Federline perform
Jon S., Milwaukie, OR
Click to expand...

LOL i wonder if any of us got that watching Fannysmackin'

Gary's Anatomy
Click to expand...
Oooh ooh I'll take it if it's the right Gary :D Sinise or Dourdan, either will do.

Sorry, i just couldn't resist hehe.
 
MacsGirlMel said:
7. Your eyes are watering, your ears are bleeding, and you just want to die -- no, wait, that's a sign you just watched Kevin Federline perform
Jon S., Milwaukie, OR
Click to expand...

LOL i wonder if any of us got that watching Fannysmackin'
Click to expand...

Happened to me during Fannysmackin'
 
TOP TEN WAYS THE KNICKS CAN IMPROVE THEIR IMAGE

10..Donate one dollar to charity for every punch thrown this season :lol:

9..Get the Russians to poison opponents :eek:

8..If a player falls into the stands during a brawl, you get to keep him :confused:

7..Every night head coach Isiah Thomas calls some lucky ticketholder an "a**hole" :eek:

6..Do what Kobe does..start handing out diamond rings ;)

5..Change team namd from Knickerbockers to something more whimsical like Snickerdoodles :D

4..Fifty percent more congratulatory ass-patting :lol:

3..Free time to fans who feel dyspetic :(

2..Add hilarious cartoon sound effects to game..time beat downs :rolleyes:

1..Replace KNicks City Dancers with drunken slutty Miss USA :eek:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10..Brand of champagne..Dom Deluise :lol:

9..At eight everyone gathers around to watch Uncle Earl drop his pants :eek:

8..You wake up the next morning wearing a medallion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that says "I'll call you" :eek:

7..You hear a guy from your bathroom doing the countdown :D

6..Barbara Walters is trying to get herself drunk :(

5..It's eleven o' clock at night, and your watching Regis play Twister :rolleyes:

4..Six time in a row the champagne cork gets stuck in your throat :mad:

3..The so-called 'Party Hats" are really Letterman's old hairpieces :confused:

2..Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that old geezer from "American Bandstand" :cool:

1--It's all over by 9:30 :eek:
 
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